In Laws issue.

balletshoes

minimacka wrote: »

I completely agree with you arbroath lass, we obviously are very lucky to have a family that we love.
I live less than 5 minutes drive from every member of mine and dh family, we are always at each others house for some reason or another and we absolutely love it. There is nothing nicer than having all your family round, but that is just my opinion.

yes, it is your opinion - however, whats the bold bit about? You don't have to live 5 minutes from all your family and be happy with a complete open-house to everyone and their dog to love your family and be loved by them.

thegirlintheattic

fluffnutter wrote: »

There have been a few posts on here that suggest (a little snidely I thought) that the wife will soon change her tune once she's back at work and wants some childcare.

My parents are way too busy to look after my child all the time! They've got busier social lives than I have. I can't help but think the parents are being a little vicarious; of course they want to see their grandchild, but don't they have their own hobbies and commitments as well?

Each to their own. Some grandparents have lots of activities to do, others don't (or don't want to). It probably doesn't help the that OPs parents have moved to a new area.

I do think childcare is a consideration. If the situation isn't handled delicately it could lead to a family dispute and the OPs wife could find herself without the help of the in-laws for babysitting/picking up sick child from school/offering a taxi service in years to come. Sometimes you have to compromise - a few hours a week for the grandparents then the rest of the time the OPs wife is lef in peace.

lostinrates

balletshoes wrote: »

yes, it is your opinion - however, whats the bold bit about? You don't have to live 5 minutes from all your family and be happy with a complete open-house to everyone and their dog to love your family and be loved by them.

Exactly.


Perhaps i love mine more because one lives with me, not so much a five mins a way, or i love that one more than the other? Or more than dh loves his father, who lives overseas? What silliness and childishness, perhaps the sort of behaviour indulged when not forced to be a little independant and respectful of others boundaries and differences?

coolcait

minimacka wrote: »

I completely agree with you arbroath lass, we obviously are very lucky to have a family that we love. I live less than 5 minutes drive from every member of mine and dh family, we are always at each others house for some reason or another and we absolutely love it. There is nothing nicer than having all your family round, but that is just my opinion.

Whoa! Lots of people have a family that they love, but have a different approach to visiting!

This is not as simplistic as "loving families means never having to call to see that a visit is convenient".

It is certainly not as simplistic as "making me call means you don't love me".

I hope the OP doesn't take your comment out of the context of this thread. That would be adding another layer of emotional blackmail to his wife

(along with the 'MIL is in floods of tears every day' and 'better let her see the baby - she could die soon, and then you'll regret it' approaches to the problem).

I agree with all the posters who say that the OP has to listen - really listen - to how his wife feels, and take her views into account. Not impose other people's preferences on to her.

nickj_2

my in laws have moved to the same village as us , and they have their lives to get on with and we have ours , they come round with my mum for dinner and tea once a week and very rarely turn up unannounced. admittedly our kids are in their mid teens so the impulse to drop in won't be the same .
i personally wouldn't want my in laws or my own mother to feel they could drop in whenever and however many times they wanted to .
we've flown the nest , we don't need looking after any more . we can cope on our own ,and have our own lives /friends to get on with but if we need a hand we can ask for it.
why don't you suggest to your wife that if she wants to go out shopping or to the gym etc then your parents can look after your child , or they can come round for tea once a week or you can go to them .
your parents need to get on with their own lives and get involved with things that don't involve your family which i'm guessing that is how your wife is seeing things

daska

Different strokes for different folks

My parents would never dream of turning up without prior agreement - even to the point that they didn't go to the wake after a close friends funeral because the widower had assumed that everyone attending would walk back to the house and therefore hadn't issued specific printed invitations. My mum never turned up unannounced, even when we lived within minutes of each other, but at the same time she never minded if I popped in, whether or not she was there LOL.

But both my ex husbands have families with open door policies. It took me a long time to get used to it, especially as I loathed my first husband's mother and she had a knack of arriving just as we were sitting down for a meal! She wouldn't even knock or call hello, just creep in and hover! However, my second husband and his family still turn up unannounced several times a month and let themselves in with a cheery hello and I'm always glad to see them.

I am assuming, as you admit you basically came on here to rant, you weren't expecting so many people to feel your wife has a valid point of view. Personally I think it was highly insensitive of your parents to move to the same close if they knew she was apprehensive about them moving to the local area. And tapping on the window and/or calling unannounced when you've been asked not to is just plain rude, whoever's parent you are. And you're siding with them?!

Unfortunately, because no one bothered to take your wife's feelings seriously in the first place you are now in fire-fighting mode, you can't expect her to be willing to compromise when you've treated her feelings with such contempt - regardless of how unreasonable you believe them to be them to be they are her feelings and they are genuine, and you and parents trampled on them with hob nailed boots. You cannot force someone to feel comfortable with an open door policy and it's quite reasonable of her to expect to feel comfortable in her own home rather than under siege. It's also reasonable of her to expect your support and understanding. Of course, ideally, this runs both ways - but because you didn't start from a position of support and understanding you can't demand that from her.

I suspect this may well have got to the point that the only solution is for someone to move - I suggest that you take urgent action to make sure that it's you with your family rather than just your wife and child.

I_try

The wife can't feel comfortable in her own home. If she is breastfeeding I doubt very much that she feels comfortable enough to sit in her own living room with a boob out to feed baby without the likelihood of her father-in-law suddenly appearing at the window and she is being unreasonable??

Add to that I bet a lot of the conversations from the in-laws involve a variety of "oh, I see you went out today, did you go anywhere nice/what did you do" etc although well meaning that would make me feel like I was being stalked or had to account for my every move.

The harder the push to just accept and enjoy or tolerate with a smile this situation, the harder the push against it will be.

jenhug

It's getting my back up just imagining what it must be like for the OP's wife. I do hope that they come back and let us know her thoughts on these replies, and how they plan to move on with this as a couple.

Reminds me of a book i read years ago "the little house" Subsequently made into a tv mini series.

I wish I could give OP's wife a hug. x

Abbafan1972

I hope this gets sorted out soon.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with the situation at all. My parents or in-laws would never just drop in unannounced and I would always know when to expect them.

I can't comment on my in-laws because we don't speak to them now anyway (long story), but my own parents live locally (about 3 miles away), the house next door to them was up for sale about a year ago and my Mom said a few times that she would love us to buy it so we would live next door (it was out of our price range, so not an option anyway!). But me, I would hate this, as much as I love them, I couldn't live next door!

I would get the constant feeling that I couldn't relax and feel like my every move would be watched. My Mom would no doubt comment on how often I hang out washing/the lawn needs mowing and she would be clocking what time I/dh got in from work etc.

If I was the OP then my house would be up for sale asap!

The father in law peering through the window is unacceptable.

lady1964

I do feel sorry for the OP's wife here but I also feel a bit sorry for the OP - yes he probably has helped cause this situation but I'm wondering the following:

Did his parents know his wife was apprehensive about them moving to the same village? Maybe no-one told them so they just assumed tht it would be ok.
How does your wife get on with your parents OP? If they've always got on ok, it's not unreasonable to assume that your parents didn't forsee any problems with them moving so close - which I agree with most people, is too close!
Did your parents discuss moving to your village prior to doing so? Did they just announce that they had bought a house in the same close as yours?
Regarding the FIL rapping on the window; I note he's been asked to stop but has he?
OP, how close to your parents are you?

The OP is a bit 'piggy in the middle' here, this happened to me & my OH years ago. I'd always got on with my in-laws quite well, then OH & I had a somewhat huge row at their house and from then on, FIL decided he didn't like me. He barely spoke to me, barely acknowledged me (unless other family were there) and generally treated me like I didn't exist. I put up with this for a while as we didn't live near them and could put it out of my mind. Until we moved overseas & they wanted to come & stay, I told OH that unless FILcould be polite & civil to me in our home, he wasn't welcome. FIL did visit and was polite & civil but then went back to his old ways. It then began to bother me as we'd moved back to the UK and we saw more of them. I used to go on at OH to sort it out & consider my feelings and say that we wouldn't see them if his dad couldn't be civil and acknowledge me. His response was that his dad would say 'ok, fine, we won't see you then' which would have meant neither he nor my MIL (who I got on very well with) would see their 3 grand-children. What a situation to be put in. Reluctantly, I conceded defeat as I didn't want my kids to miss out on their grandparents and we lived 60/70 miles away so didn't see them regularly. So, I just treated him like he treated me whenever we saw them as I realised my OH was in an awkward spot and I didn't want to make it worse. Then, about 10 years ago, FIL changed his attitude towards me and now things are fine. Please don't let this happen to you & your family.

I think OP, that you have to find a middle ground here. You need to find out exactly why your wife appears to want to cut them out totally. I can fully understand her wanting her privacy and to not feel like she's being watched and doesn't want people dropping in whenever they feel like it, but equally, I can understand your parents wanting to see their grand-daughter, it must be hard for them living so close and not being able to see her. There must be a middle ground here, there have been some very helpful suggestions already, some which will benefit all of you. Boundaries need to be set and must be respected by everyone for any compromises to work.
I'm not sure your moving house is such a great idea, it's stressful and probably not practical and if I were your parents, I would be mortally hurt that my son/dil and grand-daughter moved to get away from me. Easy for me to say though as we live nowhere near my parents or in-laws, however, I would have been grateful to have lived closer to either of them when my kids were little for the support and help they no doubt would have given us. By closer, I don't mean in the same street!!