Is my husband being unreasonable or is it me ?

martinthebandit

There appears to be two distinct schools of thought in this thread, those that see a 16 year old as a child and therefore the parent must assume full responsibility, and those that see a 16 year old as a young adult who should be shouldering responsibilities for herself.

I suppose it very much depends on the 16 year olds maturity, although maturity tends to come from taking responsibility.

If she is old enough to stay out late at her boyfriends house then I know which 'school' I would place her in

jellyhead

emmalinestephen wrote: »

Just to clear a few things up. It's not because OH wants to drink on a Sat night but he does like to relax & watch a few things on TV.

But, then again I accept it is not me getting out of my comfy chair on a Sat night to do the driving.

Why aren't you getting out of your chair? Do you have younger children to look after, or could you go with him?

Does your TV have pause or record functions?

(that wasn't meant to sound grumpy, I was just wondering if there were other options like the two of you going for the drive together, and him pausing his TV programme or recording it to watch when you get back)

jellyhead

themull1 wrote: »

Why can't she stay over and come home in the morning?

It sounds like they are in year 11, which many people would think is too young to have an adult relationship. I wouldn't want my son's 15 year old girlfriend sleeping here, even if her parents allowed it.

Spendless

At 16 my parents weren't coming to pick me up from my then boyfriends house, and his parents didn't have a car, but neither did my parents think that

emmalinestephen wrote: »

he is not a taxi although he would be happy to give her a lift to/from a special occasion like a party/concert he said he does not want to be dragged out generally for lifts and says the boyfriend should walk her home.

Instead I was expected to catch the bus home. It was 2 buses, so I was expected to leave at a reasonable hour in order to do this, or if my family were out nearish by I was expected to get to them so I could cadge a lift back. It's that bit that smacks of selfishness on your husband's part to me. Not that he doesn't want to go out at all, but that he doesn't want to go out for 20 mins but expects a 15yo boy to do an hours walk between 11 and midnight. I see in a later post that you've put that he has run the boy home when this happens, so surely if the boyfriend walks daughter, he'll still have to get up. :huh:

BTW - His workmates who are reckoning that they wouldn't go out either. Dp they have children of the same age and in the circs?

sallypalma

I can't believe some of the replies I am reading here. My son was attacked when he was 16, less than 5 minutes from home, walking from the train station. We don't live in a big city but in a small village in Cheshire that has a reputation as being one of the most affluent and best places to live in the North West ! My son is over 6ft and a big strong lad and he had a knife pulled on him by 3 youths, it was only because he shoulder charged one of them and then ran like crazy that he was not seriously hurt or worse. Children do need to learn independence but there is absolutely no way I would let my daughter walk alone for 30 mins or even walk from a bus stop. I could understand it if your husband, say worked nights and had to get out of bed to pick her up but that is not the case. I think alternating weekends is a good idea and you could also arrange to prepay a taxi if your husband is adamant he will not pick her up. I would tell him that is not called being a taxi service to help keep your child safe - its called being a parent.

emmalinestephen

jellyhead wrote: »

Why aren't you getting out of your chair? Do you have younger children to look after, or could you go with him?

Does your TV have pause or record functions?

(that wasn't meant to sound grumpy, I was just wondering if there were other options like the two of you going for the drive together, and him pausing his TV programme or recording it to watch when you get back)

I don't really think both of us going together would solve the problem but I am happy to suggest it to him. He had to record his programme last night hence the grumps. I have a younger daughter (14 ) but she would be okay in the house for 10 mins.

emmalinestephen

Spendless wrote: »

At 16 my parents weren't coming to pick me up from my then boyfriends house, and his parents didn't have a car, but neither did my parents think that

Instead I was expected to catch the bus home. It was 2 buses, so I was expected to leave at a reasonable hour in order to do this, or if my family were out nearish by I was expected to get to them so I could cadge a lift back. It's that bit that smacks of selfishness on your husband's part to me. Not that he doesn't want to go out at all, but that he doesn't want to go out for 20 mins but expects a 15yo boy to do an hours walk between 11 and midnight. I see in a later post that you've put that he has run the boy home when this happens, so surely if the boyfriend walks daughter, he'll still have to get up. :huh:

BTW - His workmates who are reckoning that they wouldn't go out either. Dp they have children of the same age and in the circs?

I know. I don't like the boy walking home on his home either. In some ways boys are more vulnerable than girls in this situation. Yes, he ran the boy home a couple of times in the early days but now the mum is giving her a lift every week and I feel we should reciprocate.

I take your point about the work mates. I don't think I believe OH when he says they wouldn't give their kids a lift.

I just feel sad he feels like this. I feel he's gone down in my estimation. Is that too harsh ? Am I overeacting ?

God ! I wish I had learnt to drive. DDs will def be learning.

emmalinestephen

sallypalma wrote: »

I can't believe some of the replies I am reading here. My son was attacked when he was 16, less than 5 minutes from home, walking from the train station. We don't live in a big city but in a small village in Cheshire that has a reputation as being one of the most affluent and best places to live in the North West ! My son is over 6ft and a big strong lad and he had a knife pulled on him by 3 youths, it was only because he shoulder charged one of them and then ran like crazy that he was not seriously hurt or worse. Children do need to learn independence but there is absolutely no way I would let my daughter walk alone for 30 mins or even walk from a bus stop. I could understand it if your husband, say worked nights and had to get out of bed to pick her up but that is not the case. I think alternating weekends is a good idea and you could also arrange to prepay a taxi if your husband is adamant he will not pick her up. I would tell him that is not called being a taxi service to help keep your child safe - its called being a parent.

Sorry to hear about your son. I was attacked myself in my 20s so may be that is why I am a bit churned up about this. I like your last sentence very much & will be using it on OH

ska_lover

I think, in my opinion that parents are going a bit OTT here and need to get a grip.

At 16, they are young adults.

The husband works all week and he is expected to collect his daughter at 11pm every saturday night - or run the risk of being called unreasonable. So the hardworking husband can never make plans to do anthing on a Saturday night again, ever. It actually sucks.

The current situation is confusing and contradictive in terms of:-
a) You can stay round your boyfs house till 11pm - Being treated like a adult yet:-
b) You are not mature enough to get yourself home - Being treated like a child

Either she is old enough to be out that late, or she isn't.

Yes, there is always an outside remote chance that something bad could happen, but every time you let your teenager (or you yourself for that matter) step outside of the front door, you are at risk of something bad happening.

My son was attacked/robbed in the street when he was 18 - walking home from a shift at work around 9pm one night. While he was upset about it, he said that he wasn't going to live his life in fear - what kind of life would that be? He is more aware of people around him when he is in the street these days, but he certainly hasn't stopped going out after dark - and I for one think that is a very mature attitude.

Us as parents can 'accidentally' instill a lot of fear into our kids. When what we need to be doing, is show them the dangers, explain about being aware of your surroundings, who is around you, not flashing valuables etc, and then .....(gasp)....we have to stand back and let them live their own lives.

ska_lover

clays_mummy wrote: »

if anything happened to your daughter he would regret not going to pick her up....every other weekend is fair

Emotional blackmail?:rotfl: