Is my husband being unreasonable or is it me ?

emmalinestephen

Hello, I wonder if I could have your views on a small problem that is causing a quite a bit of friction in this household.

I have a 16 year old daughter who has a boyfriend who lives about half an hour away. Most Saturday nights she goes to his house, usually to watch a film/have something to eat. His mum is there. She is a single mum & says she enjoys their company.

The mum has been kindly dropping daughter back home about 11 0'clock. I asked my husband that he should collect her this week ( I don't drive but do plenty of other things to make up for this ) but he was not happy to do this. Infact, he is generally reluctant to give her a lift anywhwere. He says he is not a taxi although he would be happy to give her a lift to/from a special occasion like a party/concert he said he does not want to be dragged out generally for lifts and says the boyfriend should walk her home.

I cannot understand this attitude. My dad was always happy to give me lifts although I did not abuse the situation & I feel the parents in our circle of friends would do the same for their kids. Husband says he has asked around at work & his colleagues agree that they would not be dragged out on a night time to give a lift for a short distance on a regular basis.

I'm just not sure now if I have got it wrong or it is husband who is wrong and unreasonable. My parents would have done anything for me & my sisters, I would do anything for my daughters but it seems husband has a different view & I must say I feel disappointed in him.

How do other people manage lifts ? I would be pleased to hear your opions to give me some perspective. Thanks.

robpw2

no your not being unreasonable and yes he is

benb76

He's not being unreasonable, but neither are you. It's not a bad thing that your daughter can't rely on dad for a taxi on a regular basis, it will teach her a bit of independence and responsibility.

Marisco

If it's only now and again, I'd say it was reasonable. If it's every weekend then no it's not reasonable IMO. What about doing it turn about with bf mother? Or better still, learn to drive - problem solved!! My oh's daughter thinks her dad is a taxi as well and she's in her early 20's!!! We soon put a stop to that!! What the hell is wrong with walking or using public transport.

When my kids were younger, I'd drive them if they were going somewhere special, but not just to go and see friends etc. It's really not worth causing problems with your oh about it though. If it's too far to walk, could bf not "walk" her home on the bus? But I'd seriously give some thought to leaning to drive, not only to run the kids around, but for the freedom for yourself. It was the best thing I did *cough* years ago!

emmalinestephen

Thanks for your helful replies so far. You are right Marisco I really should have learnt to drive. It's a huge regret. We wouldn't have had this problem with DD as I would have been more than happy to collect her and also it would have been great to help my parents get around now they are getting on. Although, hubby will help them no problem I hate asking all the time. I feel I'm a bit long in the tooth now to learn . 50 next year !!

Seanymph

Is he her father or step father?

Not that it alters your question - but it may make a difference to how you feel about his refusal.

I don't drive at night - I take medication which makes me not want to to be honest - so OH tends to, and he doens't like it at all.

So generally my kids would get lifts with others, share taxis, I'd take them out and the other child's parent would bring them home....... at three months after her 17th birthday eldest passed her test (we provided the car and insurance) and so she drove, her sister is on track to do the same in June. So now they drive each other, have friends who drive.

This is a short period of time - personally I think he should do half the driving, that's fair.

Why doesn't she stay over? then she can get back however she got there on a bus or whatever?

globetraveller

Sorry- that's just an excuse. You are not too old to learn. Perhaps you are being the unreasonable one, expecting your OH to do all the driving? What an incentive you have - with your parents getting on and your daughter needing lifts all the time. But then- could you be bothered??? Think about it truthfully.
For your main query- do you mean half an hour's walk away? If so, then she is old enough at 16 to get herself back. And perhaps bf could come to yours every second week??

kingfisherblue

I agree with Marisco, alternate weekends with the boyfriend's mother would be fair.

I also think that the area has to be taken into consideration. Before my daughter learned to drive, I picked her up if possible - but with two much younger children, one disabled, it wasn't often possible. Instead, she would get the bus and ring me. Her best friend lived 30 minutes walk away, but although it is mostly walking along the main road, there are few pedestrians. She also had to pass one pub and one social club, which were fine, but a bit rowdy if our local rugby team had played that day.

On the bus, she was always the last person to get off as we live on the far edge of the village. She talked to me all the way home if she was on the bus as well.

Even now, there are times that she doesn't drive. If she is going on a night out, she leaves the car at home. She then gets a taxi home, but before getting into the taxi, she texts me the registration number. She also uses one local firm only, and books directly with the office.

I appreciate that this isn't your query, but if your daughter is walking home any time, remind her that she cannot 'flag down' a taxi on the street - except for the Hackney cabs. It may be unlikely for her to do this, but many people don't realise that minicabs have to be ordered directly fromt he office, either by phone or in person. The vast majority of minicab drivers are legitimate, but there have been incidences in the past when girls have been attacked after minicabs have picked them up in the street.

Getting back to your post, 50 is not too old to learn to drive, but if you decide to do this, do it for you, not so that you can be a taxi service for your daughter. It won't be long before she is old enough to learn herself, or decides to go away to university.

An alternative for the time being is for your daughter to catch the bus home. Her boyfriend could walk her to the bus stop and wait with her until the bus arrives. Presumably she will be able to catch a bus to a stop fairly near your home. She'll just have to make sure that she doesn't spend all her bus fare

Marisco

emmalinestephen wrote: »

Thanks for your helful replies so far. You are right Marisco I really should have learnt to drive. It's a huge regret. We wouldn't have had this problem with DD as I would have been more than happy to collect her and also it would have been great to help my parents get around now they are getting on. Although, hubby will help them no problem I hate asking all the time. I feel I'm a bit long in the tooth now to learn . 50 next year !!

Rubbish!! Get yourself down to the driving school and book some lessons! Don't go with your oh though!!! Next stop - divorce courts!!:D Me and my ex nearly came to blows on a busy bridge when I stalled!! I took "proper" lessons, but went with him for practice. Not a good idea, unless he has the patience of Job, which mine didn't!!:rotfl: But I came out unscathed, and passed first time!!:beer:

paddy's_mum

I wouldn't be wanting my 16 year old daughter to be "getting herself back" by walking home late at night. Equally (from her willingness to drive them) the boy's mother may not want him out and at risk either.

I think the husband may not be completely unreasonable but he is being grumpy and unhelpful. Surely a compromise could be reached where (as others have already suggested) the adults take turns, or the boy comes to your house, or the occasional taxi is paid for.

So often, when a girl is attacked or assaulted, people ask "what was she thinking of, being out alone at that time of night...?" Perhaps your husband should be thinking of where his duty and responsibility towards an inexperienced young woman lies and put his annoyance to one side for a year or two.

Hope you get it sorted out to everyone's satisfaction.

busiscoming2

I agree with the people who are saying learn to drive. I'd also go for the alternate weekend here/there arrangement.

Once my kids got to 16 and found Saturday jobs, we used to charge them £1 per trip and saved the money towards their driving lessons. It worked well.

BTW I think he is being a tad unreasonable.