Is my husband being unreasonable or is it me ?

balletshoes

I wouldn't expect the lad to walk his gf home for an hour at all - but I think the OP said a bus was a viable option?

gilly1964

emmalinestephen wrote: »

Thanks for your helful replies so far. You are right Marisco I really should have learnt to drive. It's a huge regret. We wouldn't have had this problem with DD as I would have been more than happy to collect her and also it would have been great to help my parents get around now they are getting on. Although, hubby will help them no problem I hate asking all the time. I feel I'm a bit long in the tooth now to learn . 50 next year !!

Don't let this be a regret - let it be an a achievement at a stage in your life when you should be doing some things for you.

My friend's Mum never learned to drive and then at 57 her husband became ill and unable to drive. She had many friends for lifts for shopping, hospital runs and so on, but we encouraged her to learn - it took 5 tests - she failed the first 4 for speeding :rotfl:.

She is now 76 and has been driving for the last 19 years without any accidents and unbelievably no points considering her speeding history:T

You can do this

emmalinestephen

Thanks so much for all your replies. It seems everyone has a different view and that's good as it means there is no right or wrong answer.

Just to clear a few things up. It's not because OH wants to drink on a Sat night but he does like to relax & watch a few things on TV.

As to everyones comments about me being a non-driver. I take those comments on board & I do regret not learning. However, as I said in my first post I do plenty of other things to make up for this i.e. tea on the table every night, I've always been the one to do the doc/hospital/school appointments, etc.

DD is not a slacker. She walks to school 35 mins there & back every day in all weathers. She has already started to save for her driving lessons from birthday money etc.

I would not want the boy to walk home on his own either late at night and if he has walked her back home OH has given him a lift back.

But now it's becoming more of a regular thing.I don't think the mum minds but it's not in my nature to take advantage. Staying over is a no-no. At least at this stage. They've only being going out 4 months. He is 15, she is only just 16.

I just can't help remembering what my dad was like with us and I feel resentful that OH seems to have a selfish attitude. But, then again I accept it is not me getting out of my comfy chair on a Sat night to do the driving.

Thanks for all your great suggestions. I am going to talk to OH about it before next weekend and yes I will consider driving lessons.

the_cat

emmalinestephen wrote: »

Just to clear a few things up. It's not because OH wants to drink on a Sat night but he does like to relax & watch a few things on TV.

In that case, then yes he is being incredibly selfish. Why does 20 minutes max out of his time preclude him doing exactly what he wants for the rest of the evening if he isn't bothered about a drink or two as part of it?

Perhaps he knows that this boys parents are going to take up the slack and he is a little less bothered about taking advantage than you?

Savvy_Sue

Only read the first page ... but

emmalinestephen wrote: »

Thanks for your helful replies so far. You are right Marisco I really should have learnt to drive. It's a huge regret. We wouldn't have had this problem with DD as I would have been more than happy to collect her and also it would have been great to help my parents get around now they are getting on. Although, hubby will help them no problem I hate asking all the time. I feel I'm a bit long in the tooth now to learn . 50 next year !!

If you want to make life a bit easier for yourself, learn to drive an automatic car! But learn to drive: never too old!

emmalinestephen wrote: »

I think the crux of the matter is if my daughter asked me to get up at 5 am and walk to the next town in the pouring rain for shoelaces for her I would do it. That is, I would do anything for her. Why doesn't her Dad feel like that ?

I'm another who probably WOULDN'T do that: as a responsible parent, by that age I'd be saying "why didn't you think of this earlier, and sort out your own shoelaces? If you'd asked me yesterday I could have done it, but you'll have to go without today."

If it was a matter of life and death, yes I'd do it. But serious negotiations take place before I run trivial errands for teenagers.

Mojisola

emmalinestephen wrote: »

I think the crux of the matter is if my daughter asked me to get up at 5 am and walk to the next town in the pouring rain for shoelaces for her I would do it. That is, I would do anything for her. Why doesn't her Dad feel like that ?

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

by that age I'd be saying "why didn't you think of this earlier, and sort out your own shoelaces? If you'd asked me yesterday I could have done it, but you'll have to go without today."

If it was a matter of life and death, yes I'd do it. But serious negotiations take place before I run trivial errands for teenagers.

In answer to the main issue, I probably would go and collect at that time of night. If it wasn't convenient, she would have to rearrange the time of her visit so she could get back by public transport.

However, what you say in the quoted section strikes me as being unhealthy. I'm with Sue - I'd be asking why she didn't sort it out herself in good time. If she had to take the consequences of not having organised herself this time, she'd be better prepared in the future.

How is she going to manage in a couple of years time when she might be away at uni if you are sorting out all her trivial problems?

emmalinestephen

Can I just point out that fetching shoelaces at 5am is an exaggerration. I have already said this in an earlier post. I have never done this:D. I was just trying to highlight the difference between my attiude & OH's attitude. I would have no problem in putting myself out for her. OH seems to be putting his needs first. But I'm not saying I'm right & he's wrong. Just, that was the way my parents were with us & I find OH's way alien.

Savvy_Sue

OK, read the rest of it now ...

heretolearn wrote: »

Oddly, we often feel more responsible for other people's children and treat them differently to our own. the mum feels she needs to deliver the girl back home safely as it's not her decision as to whether she should be allowed to walk home.

Absolutely, I went ballistic when I discovered that DS3 and a friend had decided to walk 6 miles home from another friend's house, at chucking out time, without telling me OR the friend's mum, because I felt VERY responsible for the friend!

Mind you I was a bit :mad: that any responsible parent could allow two 14 year old lads to LEAVE the house without checking they had a sane way of getting home, but that's another story.

When we have their friends round, I do check how people are getting home and I will give lifts if I'm concerned. I don't necessarily expect other parents to do the same for mine, not now they're students / proper grownups.

VfM4meplse wrote: »

I would also suggest that there is a better reason for your husband offering a lift: the bf's mum is providing your daughter with a safe environment and an element of supervision if she is in their company. I don't know how old your DD is, but I would not be happy at any suggestion of hanky-panky. I too don't think it's appropriate for your DD to walk home late at night, if you don't share your responsibilities with lift sharing it will eventually occur to your DD that it's safer to stay at her bfs at night and walk home in the morning.

I think that's very true.

karen23 wrote: »

I have been in this situation with my ds whereby I was taking his gf home several nights a week. I started doing it when I discovered that gf wasn't being picked up by her mum as I had thought, but had actually been telling her that my ds was walking her home! I was horrified to say the least! I told her there and then that I would ALWAYS run her home (along with a little chat about why she shouldn't lie to her Mum!).

Yes, in the story above, the lad stayed at our place overnight but I said he should tell his Mum next day. He didn't: I did, because I felt bad that they'd started the walk home.

I told DS3 he'd better not keep secrets from me that that friend's Mum knew, because I'd find out!

pimento

I wouldn't let my 16 year old daughter get a bus home at 11pm on a Saturday night.

balletshoes

pimento wrote: »

I wouldn't let my 16 year old daughter get a bus home at 11pm on a Saturday night.

I would - thats exactly what I did when I was 16 (it was a lot longer than a 10-15 minute bus journey too).