Is my husband being unreasonable or is it me ?

Lexxi

My mum would carry me to the shop in the pouring rain for shoelaces.
She didn't want me not being able to get home to stop me from going out, as I got older and started earning I was able to get taxes or felt more comfortable getting the last bus. She still does an awful lot for me but I do buy wine and things for her.
My dad was of the attitude that I shouldn't go out if I can't get home. I get lifts occasionally, if he's going that way or if I have lots to carry but generally it's no.

Why not let the boyfriend walk half way then you meet your daughter on the next street or something. Once you've all done it a few times you might feel better her walking with her boyfriend all the way. Especially with the lighter nights

Mara69

emmalinestephen wrote: »

I think the crux of the matter is if my daughter asked me to get up at 5 am and walk to the next town in the pouring rain for shoelaces for her I would do it. That is, I would do anything for her.

I don't agree with this attitude at all - nor do I think your husband is being unreasonable. An occasional lift yes, but not a regular arrangement. What if he wants to have a drink in the evening? Put on comfy clothes, relax and doze off in front of the TV?

If you are happy to be at your child's beck and call, then you learn to drive. Failing that, pay for taxis, have the boy come round your house or even have the boyfriend walk her home. We live in the UK, not Iraq - I am sure it is not that dangerous.

jellyhead

emmalinestephen wrote: »

Really appreciating your replies. It's good to get others perspective.

Yes, he is her father not step-father and yes I really should learn to drive. It's not that I can't be bothered I've just never got round to it.

The bus/walk options are viable ( it's only a 30 minute walk ) but if the boy's mum gives her a lift I feel we should respond likewise.

I think the crux of the matter is if my daughter asked me to get up at 5 am and walk to the next town in the pouring rain for shoelaces for her I would do it. That is, I would do anything for her. Why doesn't her Dad feel like that ?

Glad you said that was an exaggeration There doesn't seem to be any real reason why your daughter couldn't walk and buy her own shoelaces.

My son's gf lives a half hour drive away, so walking isn't an option. They are both around a 20 minute walk from the nearest bus stop too. Gf's mum said she didn't want him getting the last bus home. We'd said it was ok and that I would meet him at the bus stop our end, but gf's mum has a better idea of what the last bus is like, I suppose.

So, the options are a lift home from a parent, or to come home earlier than 11pm. She's at our house a lot, but he's only been there once. She lives in a little village so she comes to our town to see all of her friends and do things like swimming, cinema, etc. in addition to seeing my son.

Her parents will pick her up when it's convenient for them - so it's often as soon as they finish work, or it's whenever they are already coming out to pick up her brother after a sports lesson etc.

She doesn't get to dictate the time when they provide the lift unless it's a special occasion. Fair enough.

My husband has followed suit, and says he will give a lift but it has to be when he's on the way somewhere else, or while I am cooking dinner, etc. and is at the time when it's convenient for him to go out, not just when the teenagers click their fingers. They usually get the bus, so they just have to plan it so that it's not the last bus and that my son is not in danger when walking back from the bus stop (so, not at pub chucking out time, or I go with him).

Sometimes the gf spends the night with a female friend in our town, after spending the day with our son. She can't spend the night here because there's no room and at 15 she is too young to sleep in our son's room.

My husband has a bad back and can't drive after he has taken his pills, and also has to time having a bath etc. so that he won't have to go out in the cold afterwards.

It's not just weekends - we've found that in school holidays she comes over during the week too but my husband goes to bed before 11 on work nights so they just have to think about it and plan how she will get home, and negotiate with the adults who drive.

They don't HAVE to spend until 11pm together, if it's not convenient for the adults. Would your husband be willing to take his turn on a Saturday if it was at 10pm, for example?

Penny-Pincher!!

I think its only fair for you to do your share. If his parents have been bringing her home regularly, then I think it would be a kind gesture for your husband to act gratefully and help in return....splitting the burden.

You've been very lucky that his parents have thought so much of your daughter to safely bring her home. Most wouldn't!

As a good parent we have a responsibility to prioritise our children's safety. Im very shocked that your husband can't be ars$d to collect his own daughter but CAN be bothered to ask all his mates their advice on the subject.

DD is 17 and she generally gets the train to her BF who lives 25 miles away through the day and they will give her a lift home. When he stays here, he gets the train here and OH usually drops him home. They each offer to pay for petrol money.

PP

FatVonD

I agree with those that say that statistically it's actually riskier for your DD's boyfriend to be walking back alone at midnight than your DD.

January20

I really cant believe that some posters didn't realise your post about the shoelaces was an exaggeration! I can't believe some took it literally! I despair sometimes. :wall:

I think your husband is being unreasonable because when you have a child you have responsibilities. When my dd was that age, I was always the parent that would be called out at night if she was at a party and a lift was needed, or there was a crisis, because she knew I was the only parent who wouldn't have been drinking :eek: I could never understand how 2 parents could let their child go out and then both of them drink so that in the case of an emergency, they would be unable to help!

It's not like he is being asked to do every Saturday night, and it's not a great distance either! But learn to drive, for your dd and for yourself, for your independence.

renegade

Mara69 wrote: »

I don't agree with this attitude at all - nor do I think your husband is being unreasonable. An occasional lift yes, but not a regular arrangement. What if he wants to have a drink in the evening? Put on comfy clothes, relax and doze off in front of the TV?

If you are happy to be at your child's beck and call, then you learn to drive. Failing that, pay for taxis, have the boy come round your house or even have the boyfriend walk her home. We live in the UK, not Iraq - I am sure it is not that dangerous.

Yes it is, muggings are on the increase sometimes fatal, drunken gangs of yobo's who attack loner walkers for no reason other than to rob and maim them. The husband should make an effort and take turns to ensure his daughter arrives home safely, sod the cost or inconvenience.

jellyhead

January20 wrote: »

I really cant believe that some posters didn't realise your post about the shoelaces was an exaggeration! I can't believe some took it literally!

Some parents are like that though!

I remember going to visit a boyfriend when I was at uni, and it was the first time I'd met his sister. Their dad was ill and the mum was tired from caring for him, but she'd cooked dinner for us all. It was snowing and very windy and cold. The daughter, who was 20 years old, turned up her nose at what her mum had cooked and asked for a chinese, from a shop in the town which had it ready made, so that she wouldn't have to wait for delivery (even though it took just as long for her mum to make the journey!).

The mum went out to buy the chinese, and wouldn't even eat her own meal first. It caused a big argument between my boyfriend and the mum and sister, and woke up the dad who was in bed. The mum truly would have done whatever the daughter commanded, and it never occurred to her that the daughter could fetch the chinese for herself, and had been looking after herself through 2 years of uni.

balletshoes

January20 wrote: »

I really cant believe that some posters didn't realise your post about the shoelaces was an exaggeration! I can't believe some took it literally! I despair sometimes. :wall:

I think posters (including me) did realise it was an exaggeration - but the sentiment behind it may not be. That was the point I was making.

Jinx

My tuppence worth - hubby is being a tad unreasonable - staying off the plonk and disturbing a weekend evening once a fortnight is not the end of the world. Equally in the summer and nice evenings perhaps they could walk depending on where you all live.

The OP should learn to drive asap, the freedom is worth it all (I passed in early 30s) and finally I think the OP should start saving for the daughters driving lessons for when she turns 17 or even doing some offroad ones - I think its onboard training near us that do lessons for age 12 upwards.