Is my husband being unreasonable or is it me ?

martinthebandit

In my opinion, and I know we are all different so my opinion may not count for much, one of the most important things a parent can teach their child is independence and self reliance.

So a regular lift to and from the boyfriends is a no no to my mind, if she wants to spend Saturday evening at the boyfriends then it is her responsibility to get herself home safely.

If she cannot organise getting herself home safely then she doesn't go, simples

That said if it was peeing down with rain etc then I would (happily) nip out and fetch her, as a one off.

So I suppose it depends on the reasons why he is refusing as to if he is being unreasonable.

er not sure I have helped much

paddy's_mum

emmalinestephen wrote: »

I think the crux of the matter is if my daughter asked me to get up at 5 am and walk to the next town in the pouring rain for shoelaces for her I would do it. That is, I would do anything for her. Why doesn't her Dad feel like that ?

So do I take it that her father is not protesting against giving the girl a lift and keeping her safe but is taking exception to the fact that you do far, far too much for her.

Is he actually trying to show her a valuable lesson - that she has an obligation to stand on her own feet, when and as she can?

Dunroamin

emmalinestephen wrote: »

Thank you for this Anna. You have done so well. It gives me hope and inspiration:T

I learned to drive in two months (in an automatic) when I was 51, having never wanted to before. When my husband lost his licence and I finished work after the buses stopped running there was no choice. Within 18 months I was driving round Europe.

By the way, although I think lifts are fine as a treat or in bad weather, I don't see anything wrong with her boyfriend walking her home.

Dunroamin

emmalinestephen wrote: »

I think the crux of the matter is if my daughter asked me to get up at 5 am and walk to the next town in the pouring rain for shoelaces for her I would do it. That is, I would do anything for her. Why doesn't her Dad feel like that ?

I do so hope that this is an exaggeration!

I expect her father wants to be a decent, responsible parent rather than a doormat!

CH27

I think you need to learn to drive ASAP then you can pick her up if you choose to.

I think doing alternate weekends is reasonable enough to ask him.

heretolearn_2

'I think the crux of the matter is if my daughter asked me to get up at 5 am and walk to the next town in the pouring rain for shoelaces for her I would do it. That is, I would do anything for her. Why doesn't her Dad feel like that ?'

I doubt many people feel like that about their 16 year children, you are the one with a bit of an odd attitude, not her dad, who just wants her to grow up normally and start to be a bit independent.

I can see both your points of view. It might be a bit embarrassing if her boyfriend's mum is happy to run her home, but her own parents tell her 'walk'. I think that's what you are thinking about.

But then if it's only a 30 minute walk I don't see any problem really in saying 'walk', unless you live in a high risk inner city area. You don't do your kids any favours long-term by treating them like little princes and princesses. A healthy 16 year old can walk for 30 minutes (or 60 minutes if her boyfriend does the two way trip).

I was lucky enough to have a dad who regularly taxi'd me around as most of my friends lived in a different town and he would go there and back twice a night to drop me off and pick me up. I really appreciated this. However, I would never even asked if it was in walking distance or fairly local, it was my responsibility to get myself there and back safely. and I was happy to do that as, well, only babies got run around by their mums and dads locally. At 16 I was staying weekends in this other town with my boyfriend and we all walked everywhere (none of any of friends parents ran us around at all, we walked, biked, skateboarded (one boy) or got the bus/trains). there was nothing odd in that. that's normal.

Likewise my own son got a lift gladly if they were going some distance - and I was the 'taxi mum' for his group of friends, but otherwise they all walked/bussed where possible, right from about 14 or so.

So I don't think dad is being difficult or uncaring, it's normal to get yourself around and about at age 16. But I can also see why you feel that as a lift has become the norm for these visits, you should carry on. On that I think that there is a difference here in that she is your daughter, and not the daughter of her boyfriends mum. Oddly, we often feel more responsible for other people's children and treat them differently to our own. the mum feels she needs to deliver the girl back home safely as it's not her decision as to whether she should be allowed to walk home. But it is yours. And there's nothing wrong with deciding, yes, walk home.

But again if it's only now and then it wouldn't kill your oh to pick her up as long as she doesn't generally expect to be taxi'd around for short distances. That's just lazy.

And it is time to learn to drive yourself. PErhaps OH is fed up with having to ferry around the two of you all the time?

LittleMrsThrifty

Is it because on a Saturday night he wants to relax, have a couple of drinks and watch MOTD? My dad was a taxi service and would go to the end of the earth for me, but was always a little reluctant to have his Saturday evening disrupted. It's not just the 10mins in the car, it's the impact on your whole evening.

But, for what it's worth, I think he is being a little unreasonable!

emmalinestephen

Dunroamin wrote: »

I do so hope that this is an exaggeration!

I expect her father wants to be a decent, responsible parent rather than a doormat!

Yes, this is a bit of an exagerration:) but just an illustration about how I feel - that (within reason ) I would do anything be to help my kids. I don't think I'm a doormat & I don't do everything for her. I don't think my husband thinks I do everything for her. She has her chores & responsibilities & is currently helping out in a family situation looking after her young cousin for an hour after school,helping with a bit of homework and making him a snack. She's not a pampered princess. It's my husband's attitude I just can't understand.

mumps

To people saying boyfriend should walk her home, it would be a 60 minute walk for him ending at midnight, maybe in foul weather. If he the same age I would not see this as appropriate. Boys of that age are at higher risk of attack than girls and I can imagine the disapproving comments if his mother let him do this and he got hurt (or worse). I absolutely understand where his mother is coming from and I think alternating lifts is reasonable. If she is getting there on her own I don't see she is expecting to get a taxi service everywhere.

balletshoes

emmalinestephen wrote: »

Really appreciating your replies. It's good to get others perspective.

Yes, he is her father not step-father and yes I really should learn to drive. It's not that I can't be bothered I've just never got round to it.

The bus/walk options are viable ( it's only a 30 minute walk ) but if the boy's mum gives her a lift I feel we should respond likewise.

I think the crux of the matter is if my daughter asked me to get up at 5 am and walk to the next town in the pouring rain for shoelaces for her I would do it. That is, I would do anything for her. Why doesn't her Dad feel like that ?

oh dear - you know OP I was agreeing with you right up until you posted this in bold. Does your daughter know this is how you feel, at 16? What I mean is, if she expects that you'll do that, she may not ever strive for independence (ie learning to drive, jumping on the bus etc) herself. We can't and shouldn't do everything for our children as they get older, they need to learn to do things themselves, otherwise how will they cope in the adult world?

I'd say, if the bus is an option pretty much door-to-door (so what? a 10-minute bus journey?) then I don't think thats unreasonable at 16.

Your "I'd walk across hot coals at 5am because she asked me to" attitude, and your OH's complete opposite view, is probably whats causing this stand-off .