Is my husband being unreasonable or is it me ?

Scrapaholic

At 16 DD's boyfriend lived 30-40 mins drive away + sometimes she stayed over in a spare room + he stayed at ours in a spare room . I sometimes drove but mostly DH did . It was for a short time as she learned to drive . She was young + we wanted her to be safe so we did a bit of taxi driving . I suppose a lot depends on the distance , the area etc . We picked her up , took her to various places when she was young for her safety and our peace of mind .

ska_lover

karen23 wrote: »

Not wanting to make any waves here, but I would be genuinely interested to know if those that are of the mindset that children should be more independant and parents less over protective, have ever been attacked or in a situation where they were seriously worried for their safety?

I only ask because I had several terrifying experiences when I was a child (and one as an adult) and I believe that is what makes me over protective of my children. I just wondered if it is the same for others?

I am one of those mothers with that mind set, and tbh I do have to reel myself in from being over - protective with it all.

As I said in my earlier post, my son was attacked/robbed on his way home from a workshift - so that made me worse, and I do have to stop myself from wrapping him up in cotton wool. I won't have my teenager living in fear - and he absolutely refuses to do so, too. I don't want to be that kind of parent that is embarrasing, hanging around in the background etc.

I remember at 16 years old, me and a friend went to the funfair, and her dad insisting on acompanying us, and waiting in the car. It was un-neccesary and embarrasing for us. Having said that, I do understand why he did it, but at some point parents have got to let go a little, and keep their fingers crossed.

As parents, we have got to teach teenagers to be independant, it is normal and it is healthy. I do worry though, every single time he steps out of the door, day or night

Northern_Princess

emmalinestephen wrote: »

Hello, I wonder if I could have your views on a small problem that is causing a quite a bit of friction in this household.

I have a 16 year old daughter who has a boyfriend who lives about half an hour away. Most Saturday nights she goes to his house, usually to watch a film/have something to eat. His mum is there. She is a single mum & says she enjoys their company.

The mum has been kindly dropping daughter back home about 11 0'clock. I asked my husband that he should collect her this week ( I don't drive but do plenty of other things to make up for this ) but he was not happy to do this. Infact, he is generally reluctant to give her a lift anywhwere. He says he is not a taxi although he would be happy to give her a lift to/from a special occasion like a party/concert he said he does not want to be dragged out generally for lifts and says the boyfriend should walk her home.

I cannot understand this attitude. My dad was always happy to give me lifts although I did not abuse the situation & I feel the parents in our circle of friends would do the same for their kids. Husband says he has asked around at work & his colleagues agree that they would not be dragged out on a night time to give a lift for a short distance on a regular basis.

I'm just not sure now if I have got it wrong or it is husband who is wrong and unreasonable. My parents would have done anything for me & my sisters, I would do anything for my daughters but it seems husband has a different view & I must say I feel disappointed in him.

How do other people manage lifts ? I would be pleased to hear your opions to give me some perspective. Thanks.

We have a 17 year old daughter and always pick her up on a weekend. We wouldn't have it any other way.

motherofstudents

The taxi thing doesn't last forever. I can now get lifts from my kids and even sometimes get to drive my son's BMW. I would always pick them up when they were younger and it was always me who ferried their friends home too as I didn't want them to walk home late at night.

It's one of those difficult decisions for parents of teenagers, when do you let them do things totally on their own. I think it has to be a gradual thing. They don't get to 16 and you leave them to it but gradually you have to let go

I still sometimes give my kids a lift somewhere but it's not the same as when they were younger and I felt I had to do it. I'd also agree that it is not safer for the boyfriend to walk as statistically he would be at more risk.

daviecol

emmalinestephen wrote: »

I appreciate your point but it is not every day. It's once a fortnight for a total of about 10 minutes. What about the laundry/making packed lunches/preparing tea I do EVERY week day at 6am before leaving for work whilst OH is in bed. It's give & take surely ?

Yes it's only once a fortnight for 10 mins, but it's at 11pm on a sat night!

The fact that you get up early to make packed lunches bares no relevance whatsoever.

Spendless

karen23 wrote: »

Not wanting to make any waves here, but I would be genuinely interested to know if those that are of the mindset that children should be more independant and parents less over protective, have ever been attacked or in a situation where they were seriously worried for their safety?

My 12yo son was jumped on by 3 children out of a group during Feb 1/2 term who all were hitting him round the head whilst another little charmer filmed it on his mobile phone. The kids were his age or a year younger and he'd been at school with them all since the age of 3/4. It was 4pm in the afternoon and he was a few streets away and we don't live in a rough area. After the initial shock of it when I wanted to keep him in forever more, it hasn't changed me wanting him to be independant, in fact I think it is because he was 'streetwise' that gave me the courage and common sense to shake all 3 of them off and go and seek help from an unknown adult who he could see passing nearby. This man who had witnessed some of it, went to the parents of one of the children who had been hitting my son and told them what had happened. The only thing I have changed since it happened is to tell DS not to wander in the same area, which is next to open space so there's not always people about and to be more 'on guard' of gatherings of children (even if he knows them) if he's outnumbered.

dibuzz

My son was jumped by a gang when he was 16, if a passer by hadn't helped him get away he'd have been in the canal, as it was he was badly bruised and traumatised.
For the next 5 months I took him everywhere, even to and from his girlfriend's who only lived 500 yds away because he was terrified to go out as the lads were local.
After a couple of months he ventured out to the local chippy and rang me in a panic because one of the lads was outside.
Quite often I'd be watching something on TV when he needed picking up but my son was far more important than any program. If I hadn't been prepared to run him around he would have just stayed in the house.
My ex used to say I was a mug but I'd rather know my son is safe and not worrying about getting home.
Luckily my son learned to drive as soon as he was 17 which gave him a bit more confidence.

Obviously we don't know what sort of area the OP lives in and what her situation is. A few people have mentioned spare rooms but not everyone has one.
My son shared a room with his 2 brothers and his girlfriend shared with her sister so staying over wouldnt have been a good idea.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, some kids are more confident, some live in better areas.
I'm happy that my kids know they can call me anytime if they need a lift and I will be there.

jellyhead

Spendless wrote: »

My 12yo son was jumped on by 3 children out of a group during Feb 1/2 term

Little sh1ts

I'm glad he managed to get away. Mine is 15, in year 11 but is very small and I do worry that he may get attacked, especially for the way he dresses. I tell him to avoid certain areas and certain times, but other than that I don't want to wrap him in cotton wool.

I know there can be problems in broad daylight though. At 16 I was attacked coming home from my Saturday job on a market stall.

But pub chucking out time is a bad time for fights here, and we live near the town centre, which they need to cross to get to bus stops, friends houses etc.

I think if I were the OP I might actually tell them that she has to come home at 10pm, that way they can avoid the pub closing, and therefore most of the bad behaviour.

Dunroamin

karen23 wrote: »

Not wanting to make any waves here, but I would be genuinely interested to know if those that are of the mindset that children should be more independant and parents less over protective, have ever been attacked or in a situation where they were seriously worried for their safety?

I only ask because I had several terrifying experiences when I was a child (and one as an adult) and I believe that is what makes me over protective of my children. I just wondered if it is the same for others?

I was attacked once when I was about 15 and accepted a lift from a stranger:o although not in any major way and I was flashed at a couple of times as well.

I certainly wasn't terrified, I didn't change my behaviour and it wouldn't make me over protective of my own child.

Life goes on.

Judith_W

Any chance the girl could get a scooter, I think you are allowed them at 16?