Don't know what to do

ItchyFeet

The last time he actually ended it - he promised that he'd changed and could we try again. Two days later and i was really upset because it became clear that he hadn't. I also had pms and depression and sent him a quick text saying as much (hoping for some reassurance) and he texted back that we should end it. He then wouldn't answer my calls or reply to any texts.

He had some quite deep rooted personal problems from his past that played a big part in his behaviour. Because his problems were so serious he seemed to think that i didn't have any and used this as an excuse not to talk to me or see me if he wasn't in the mood.

Because he ended it and without the chance for any closure, it has been quite difficult for me to come to terms with it. Ending a relationship is one way of regaining control (something i'd been doing because it was the only control i could have which sounds like the position you're in).

Recently though i've been coming to terms with the fact that rather than us being meant to be together and thinking that he really needs me to look after him, the only person that can change anything for him is himself. And if he's not prepared or ready to see that, there's no chance he's going to be able to give me what i need from a relationship.

Keep thinking about the things you need from a relationship and whether he is fulfilling that NOW. It doesn't count if you think he can provide it in the future. (Sorry for the essay and hope i haven't hijacked things!)

emtsuj

I agree Itchyfeet that my 'dumping him' was my way of trying to regain some control and was my stupid, angry way of dealing with the sheer frustration of him constantly 'taking his ball home' every time we had a disagreement.

It was still wrong of me and I shouldn't have done it. It hurt him greatly even though I apologised and has added to his insecurity about our relationship. At the time though I just couldn't see any way forward. I know that this is something I will have to work on in the future if/when I ever have another relationship.

ItchyFeet

Emtsuj don't beat yourself up about it too much - it sounds like you didn't have many options! Okay if you both understand that you both behaved badly and agree to do better next time, but not much good if that only goes for one of you.

Constant power plays are tiring and are not normal in a healthy relationship and i agree with the other posters that what we should be looking for is a partnership where you can relax and have some stability.

emtsuj

You're right of course, a good relationship is a partnership. It's what I had with my ex and what I was hoping for with my partner.

He hasn't replied to my last text (I wasn't checking honest, was arranging my son's time with his dad) and I actually feel ok about it.

ItchyFeet

I don't know what your last text said, but i found that sending a grown up final text helped me with closure i.e. something along the lines of..."Sorry for how things have turned out. Hope you find what you're looking for - wishing you all the best."

I don't know how long you've been seeing this guy, but if it's been a while then you will obviously have invested emotionally in the relationship so if you've decided enough is really enough, it's still going to be tough. Try to remember that he's not actually suited to you and that you will be much happier once you're with somebody that values working as a couple and giving equal credence to each other's views.

Good luck!

DVardysShadow

emtsuj wrote: »

He will then refuse to communicate with me in any way than via text. I find this incredibly frustrating as text arguments take days,

Text? I could not start, continue, finish or even contribute to an argument by text.

emtsuj

Yes, text message arguments/discussions are exhausting and ultimately pointless.

We have been together for about 15 months so I am already emotionally invested in this relationship. I would have liked it to work as apart from his need to take his ball home we have usually gotten very well. Although I am beginning to realise just how much I'd given up of the things I liked to do to suit him.

He sent another text at 10:30 just as I was getting into bed. Wasn't looking for it but the phone lights up when I receive a text message and of course I couldn't resist but to read it.

He went through a litany of hurts and issues that had caused him concern during our relationship, including the change in his dynamics because our children sometimes argue? Apparently this upsets him.

I did respond to him, yes I know I should have left it but I would have been awake all night formulating responses. I countered everything he said and then went on to tell him that I could see no reason to continue the relationship if he wasn't going to communicate effectively. I've asked him again not to text me, told him he knows where I am if he wants to act like an adult and wished him well for the future.

And importantly didn't shed a tear, think I've finally reached the end of my endurance and I'm beginning to see my future without him in it.

Thanks to everyone who replied, you've all given me plenty of food for thought.

MissMonkeyMoo

Big hugs to you! It's not a pleasant situation to find yourself in and the advice you have been given is spot on so I just wanted to wish you all the best. Stay strong and don't let this guy drag you down, past personal problems are not an excuse for our behaviour, if we recognise that it's am issue wer have the conscious power of choice to do something about it! I'm afraid your boyfriend is a child and he seriously needs to grow up! move on and don't look back! best of luck!

determined_new_ms

emptsuj I read your thread yesterday. It seemed to me that neither of you two, for whatever reason, seem to be able to have a effective relationship with each other. Not communicating, ending the relationship continually - no judgement attached but these aren't mature ways to act in a relationship. I do think its fair enough that people split up over their kids not getting on, that's life and it happens. I honestly can't see what either of you is getting from this relationship. If it were me I would call it a day and look forward to meeting someone who is in the right place to invest in a relationship and one that I could have a mature trusting relationship with. Good luck. Oh by the way you can set your alarm on ur mobile and then switch it off and it will still go off in the morning

267

determined_new_ms wrote: »

emptsuj Oh by the way you can set your alarm on ur mobile and then switch it off and it will still go off in the morning

Sorry to be a pedant (honest) but that isn't true of all mobiles. The LG Optimus One P500 for example, definitely doesn't support this feature strangely though, the LG GT350 does, as does my old Nokia 5200.

Check with your manual or test it before you actually rely on it.