Don't know what to do

FBaby

emtsuj wrote: »

Another week of text contact telling me I'm the love of his life, that we were meant to be together and he'll never love anyone like he loves me.

Another week of not coming round because he has a lot going on that I should appreciate, that he needs to sort his house out just in case he has to sell it.

He sends some lovely texts but then puts the phone down on me because I'm lecturing him.

Emtsuj, stop expecting him to understand you and change his ways because you believe that he should do so. As you say, you believe you have reasonable expectations. So what are you going to do if he doesn't meet them as you keep saying he doesn't?

Funny that he told you exactly what I thought were the reasons for his staying away, that when he is poorly, he wants to be on his own, so he expected that's what you wanted too. You acted the same though, because you wanted him to be by your side, you expected him to understand/guess that's what you wanted. My view is that you are both guilty of being self-centered and having high expectations of understanding each other based on how you yourself feel/think/react to things. Because you are quite at opposite ends of the spectrum, you really struggle to meet half way.

That's what I don't get, that on one end you are not prepared to lower your expectations because you don't think they are too high and you deserve what you expect, but are not prepared to move on despite his letting you down all the time. It will have to be one of the other at some stage.

emtsuj

FBaby wrote: »

Emtsuj, stop expecting him to understand you and change his ways because you believe that he should do so. As you say, you believe you have reasonable expectations. So what are you going to do if he doesn't meet them as you keep saying he doesn't?

Funny that he told you exactly what I thought were the reasons for his staying away, that when he is poorly, he wants to be on his own, so he expected that's what you wanted too. You acted the same though, because you wanted him to be by your side, you expected him to understand/guess that's what you wanted. My view is that you are both guilty of being self-centered and having high expectations of understanding each other based on how you yourself feel/think/react to things. Because you are quite at opposite ends of the spectrum, you really struggle to meet half way.

That's what I don't get, that on one end you are not prepared to lower your expectations because you don't think they are too high and you deserve what you expect, but are not prepared to move on despite his letting you down all the time. It will have to be one of the other at some stage.

You're right this time for the first time I was self centered, I didn't have much choice because I was too ill to do anything else but put myself first. I have put him first many many times because we were a partnership and that's what you do, don't you?

I didn't expect him to be a mind reader and know that I needed him but once he did know I didn't think it was too much to ask for him to support me, wouldn't that be normal in a loving give and take relationship?

I'm actually interested in getting other opinions, yours included. If I am being unreasonable then I need to look again at my own actions.

FBaby

I do very much agree with you if this was a one off situation in a stable relationship, but I understand this was almost the straw that broke the camel's back when your relationship was already under great pressure before this misunderstanding about your feeling poorly and needing his support.

Could it be that you telling him the relationship was over 2 weeks ago still had a significant effect on him. I understand you'd move on from this incident, but maybe he hadn't when you were expecting him to come and give you support. If that is the case, then it is understandble that he would have been even more likely to react in a self-centered way.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all, I just think you too are caught in a vicious circle of misunderstand each other and getting frustrated with each other because of it. He wants you to understand that at the moment, his priority is sorting out the house because it is making him feel anxious, you want to understand that you need -at least some- of his affection and attention. You're frustrated he is not listening to your needs, he is frustrated you are not listening to his.

Feel a bit like a broken record but been there when my partner was going through an extension to his house before my kids and I moved in. It was a very stressful time for him which I failed to understand this (because I am not half as precious about my house being messy and disorganised as he is!). I was getting frustrated with him seeming to prioritise his house AND his hobbies before me and he failed to understand how this made me feel that I came last and therefore insecure. He wouldn't listen to my feelings, I couldn't comprehend why he was getting so tight about the house. This was our worse time... as I've said before, what saved our relationship was me finally moving in together. The house was almost finished so my man relaxed a bit and spending every evenings and nights with him, I felt less needy of his attention.