Don't know what to do

emtsuj

I agree that neither of us has behaved sensibly and I have taken my portion of the blame. I know I have to be patient and I've been doing that for the last week but it doesn't appear to have made a difference as he let me down twice since then.

I've tried really hard not to rise to his refusal to communicate in any way other than text, his reluctance to be pinned down to a time and to his letting me down at the last minute but he wasn't happy with that either because he said I was just pretending.

Our children do get on, they get on really well but like all kids they sometimes fall out, usually over something trivial like who's had longest on the xbox and I think that's what he was referring to. He's never been a full time dad so I guess he make think that type of squabbling is worse that what it is?

I didn't know that about mobile phones, I'll give it a try later to see if it will work.

So far today he hasn't text me and I have left him alone.

Tamsin_Temrin

phones usually have an 'offline' or 'airplane' mode if you fiddle with the settings. They are on, you can play games/have alarm, but no incoming/outgoing calls.

emtsuj

Mine does have an offline mode. I'm not that well up on phones will this stop me getting texts but still be able to hear my alarm?

Tamsin_Temrin

emtsuj wrote: »

Mine does have an offline mode. I'm not that well up on phones will this stop me getting texts but still be able to hear my alarm?

Its worked for me, it will stop you getting txts and you can try an experiment with the alarm. You wont get calls either - turn it on once a day in case you are missing a call about a lottery win. :cool:

emtsuj

Hhhhmmmm he's asked me to meet him to talk

FBaby

It sounds to me like you just haven't found the way to communicate with harmony with each other. Like you, my partner and I are both very stubborn and our way or communicating, when it comes to matters at heart are totally different. In my case, I tend to let things grow, then let my thoughts take over, so that by the time it comes to a head, I am accusing and aggressive. I don't mind a good heated talk though, letting it all out, and then we can kiss and move on. My partner....well, he is totally the opposite. He can't stand confrontation, and it doesn't matter what I say to him, even if I make all efforts to be as calm as I can be, he goes on the defensive immediately. This results in him going quiet, me getting frustrated because I get nothing back, and he gets overwhelmed with me pushing for a reaction from him which ends up in him losing it and saying hurtful things and me getting all upset Then he normally has the hump for days...

It got to the point, around the same stage of your relationship, where we started to question our relationship. We loved each other very much, didn't want to separate at all, but it felt as if we didn't know how to deal with our mutual frustration with each other. Yet, that love has moved us along, both of us making efforts to understand our different ways of communicating. We've now been together for 3 1/2 years and we have advanced massively. We still occasionally have heated arguments, but they don't frighten us so much any longer. I let him cool down without worrying or growing resentful and when he is ready, he comes back lovingly to me.

One thing I've learnt is that our arguements were mainly fuelled by my insecurities about his commitment to me. I felt that he was keeping a distance and inconsciously, I was pushing him to talk to get answers. I wouldn't get them, grow even more insecure and took my distances. I have now finally understood that my partner is not doubting his feelings for me in any way, but was protecting himself because he didn't trust my ultimate commitment to him. In essence, our past relationships got in the way. His wife cheated on him out of the blue and left him, and even though he is not living in the past and has moved on, he does have insecurities that his difficult way will mean that I will have enough of him and go and his instinct to protect his assets is very ingrained in him. Now that I understand that, I have changed my attitude totally and our relationship is back to where it first was.

My advice would be to try as much as you can to discuss issues when you are not fuming. I know it is not easy because usually, when all is well, you do not think about issues. My partner has complained that my overall attitude when I bring things up is aggressive and accusing. I didn't think it was the case, but that's how he sees it, so I try as hard as I can not to bring things up when I am itching to do so, but wait until I am more settled and can discuss things in a more opened up state of mind. I have now accepted that I will NOT get from him an immediate answer to what I am mulling over which is what always prompted the heated argument. I say what I have to say and expect no response. I now know that he will take the time to think it through in his own time. I can then ask him again when I am calm, or he will himself bring up the subject again, when he is ready for it.

DON'T, definitely DON'T communicate afterwards by text/emails. If either feel the need to do so, it is that you have not yet calmed down and are not still not ready to resolve the matter. It is much much better to give each other time to let the anger/frustration wash off first.

Don't take every word said literally. My partner has told me to leave, or don't come back, and I've probably said similar things. We both know that there are just words of frustration that are not meant at all. When all is well, we do remind each other how much we love each other and even after each argument, once things have settled, we always tell the other how much they mean to each other.

My partner and I are still to learn to adjust to each other's way of thinking, communicating, making decisions etc... but we are making great progress and never have we ever doubted our ultimate commitment and love to each other.

Good luck when you meet up. I hope you can discuss solutions to your issue with communication rather than giving up on each other. It sounds like you love each other deeply too and deserve to give your relationship a proper chance.

emtsuj

Well here I am again. We had a long talk last week and sorted out a lot of issues, or so I thought. I became ill over the weekend, which resulted in me being signed off work for a week.

I haven't seen my boyfriend since Sunday. I was supposed to see him Monday but when he found out I was ill he texted to ask if he should do some painting at his house or did I want him to come and nurse me. This irked me slightly but as I was quite ill I just said for him to do what he wanted, he didn't come round.

I had some texts from him on Tuesday and then on Wednesday another text asking for me to get a password for him off his old laptop that he'd left at my house. The password was an online film site, nothing too important.
I was quite upset by this, I have supported him so much over the last twelve months through trouble he's had at work, being made redundant and looking for new jobs; he couldn't even come round to check I was ok but was mithering me for a password. I told him how I felt that I was at the bottom of his priorities but he saw this as me having a go at him.

He was supposed to come round to see me tonight but because he's had to return his company car he got angry because I wouldn't come round to pick him up. At first he said he was going to walk round, (said he didn't know what buses to get) he lives approx 5 miles from me but then I get a text saying he's going home because he was humiliated and embarrassed and that if I was too ill to pick him up I should go to hospital.

He hasn't been in work all week as he's on gardening leave, he could have nipped in to see me at any time. It's what I would have done and have in the past done for him. He tells me all the time how much I mean to him but he never seems willing to offer me any support other than verbal. Am I wrong to be upset by his behaviour?

267

emtsuj wrote: »

Well here I am again.
[Snip]
Am I wrong to be upset by his behaviour?

??? I've sat staring at this for 5 minutes trying to think of a polite answer for you, it's not worked.

I can't believe you are asking the question. You should be his first priority. Four days of illness and the best he can be bothered to do is text you? Shame on him.

As previously said by others, you may well both have been at fault for the petty rows and falling outs but this lousy behaviour is all his own work.

Find yourself someone who gives a damn.

emtsuj

Thanks for the reply, I know if I was reading this on someone else's thread I'd be thinking exactly the same but for some reason now it's happening to me I feel confused and not too sure if I'm being unreasonable asking for his support.

He's just text me to say that he felt like I was trying to humiliate him by making him walk! This never entered my mind, I wanted to see him but physically I just felt too ill to pick him up.

I'm beginning to think that he has issues with women who don't do exactly as they're told.

267

emtsuj wrote: »

Thanks for the reply, I know if I was reading this on someone else's thread I'd be thinking exactly the same but for some reason now it's happening to me I feel confused and not too sure if I'm being unreasonable asking for his support.

He's just text me to say that he felt like I was trying to humiliate him by making him walk! This never entered my mind, I wanted to see him but physically I just felt too ill to pick him up.

I'm beginning to think that he has issues with women who don't do exactly as they're told.

[Deep breath, calm down] Ok, I feel better now. Sadly, I think you are right. He clearly has issues. Why would he think you were trying to humiliate him? perhaps he realised just how appalling his behaviour has been and so was expecting you to get back at him - in all honesty, I don't think he is capable of such thoughts.

Why would he try and walk? I know his car has gone but clearly he has a computer at home so why didn't he look up buses on line? Why not ask a friend for a lift? if all else fails, he could get a taxi. Yes, I get that he is on garden leave so money is short, but, it really isn't an excuse.

Nope, steaming again If you think it will be of use to you, you are welcome to PM me - sometimes it's easier 1 2 1.