Don't know what to do

emtsuj

Hi

I think I've pm'd you but as I've not done it before I can't tell if I've sent it or not!:o

System

Talk is cheap actions are what counts and your boyfriend doesn't seem to be good at either.

emtsuj

Judi wrote: »

Talk is cheap actions are what counts and your boyfriend doesn't seem to be good at either.

I've told him this but he always has an excuse as to why he can't get round, Tuesday he was helping his dad buy a laptop. Last night it was that he didn't have his car even though he'd had it up until 7pm that evening and was at one point in the day only two miles from where I live. Today he was helping his dad with the caravan because he's too ill to do it on his own.

My adult son thinks he has a bad case of the 'it's all about me's'

The sad thing is that if he had come round he could have taken my car with him when he left as I'm not using it. When he was first put on gardening leave I added him to my insurance so he'd be able to use my car when he lost his.

emtsuj

267 just to let you know, I've received your pm and I'm interested to hear more. Can't send you another pm as I'm only allowed to post one every 60 mins at the moment, what with being new.

BugglyB

I got as far as this:

emtsuj wrote: »

In my last text I asked him why bother carrying on with the texts because I'd made my feelings clear (I said for my own sanity I couldn't go on living like this). His reply was 'you're right as always, your opinions always count, my mean nothing, how I feel means nothing. well done you'

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

In other words, DTMFA! (if you don't know what that means, google it please)

Just do it, please, please please.

You're not some teenager who doesn't know what a healthy relationship looks like.

YOU DESERVE A MINIMUM LEVEL OF RESPECT. Ditch him!!!. Do it. Do it do it do it.

BugglyB

I dont normally say stuff like that OP but the thread is called 'don't know what to do' - thought I'd put in my view of what you should do. Which is dump him. You know it makes sense do it do it do it.

FBaby

emtsuj wrote: »

he could have nipped in to see me at any time. It's what I would have done and have in the past done for him. He tells me all the time how much I mean to him but he never seems willing to offer me any support other than verbal. Am I wrong to be upset by his behaviour?

I think your problem might lay in these few words. You seem to have a lot of expectations of him. Because you would have done something, you expect him to have done to same, get upset when he doesn't and assume it must be that he doesn't care/love you enough.

I have been there and I think we would have ended up separated if the penny hadn't finally dropped that my partner doesn't analyse situations/needs/desires the same way I do. For one, he doesn't do half of the thinking I do!! He also has self-centred tendencies, not because he doesn't care, but because he never really had to look after anyone's feelings before. I used to get upset about so many things, things that I thought he should have done, usually around him dedicating time for me. I couldn't understand how he could put doing things I considered non-propriorities before spending time with me, and concluded that I was just another hobby for him, feeling totally underminded and unloved. I would moan, or even if I didn't, my behaviour and attitude would show my dissatisfaction and that used to really wind him up, leading to arguments and him even more droned to staying away from me.

Through it all, I've learnt that for one, my partner doesn't have the same ability than I to consider what I might want rather than what he thinks I should want, based on his own needs. You say that you are a very considerate person and I bet like me it comes naturally to you to assess what others might want, not understanding when this is not reciprocated. Could your partner be one who retreats onto himself when poorly and therefore can't understand your need to have him giving you much attention when you feel poorly?

My partner self-centeredness comes a lot from the fact that he was single for 5 years and therefore only had to thing about himself. Even when he was married, he and his wife led quite indeependent lives and being childless, he never had to put someone's else needs before his own. Even his own mother used to spoil him with attention, never expecting him to care for her feelings. She is a very strong woman. He admits that he is selfish, but it is not an easy habit to break.

What I have learnt is that this is no way means that he doesn't care or love me less than I love him. Once I realised that and felt more secure, and because I became less demanding, at least in expecting him to behave in one way rather than just asking directly, he started to become more attentive.

I can understand this, when someone has constant overt expectations of you, some that you don't even really understand, it does put you under quite a lot of stress. How many men end up in the pub, saying that oH has the hump and they don't even understand why, so it is her fault, and he will go back when things quiet down?

To be honest, what has really helped me and my partner was, ironically, moving in together. Spending more time together allowed me to be less demanding of his time, so much that a year later, I am genuinely relieved that he has his own hobbies away from the house! It made it easier for him to try to understand my needs, and me to feel more secure and therefore less questioning of his feelings for me. A lot of the things that would have upset me before I now see as his own peculiar ways. Your exemple of you being ill and feeling hurt that when he called he only cared about his password is one I can so relate to. Yep definitely would have upset me in the past, assuming that he didn't care so much about me if he could be thinking of a computer password rather than how I am feeling. Nowadays.... I would laugh it up and say something to him along the line of 'of course my darling I will sort out your password for you, but I'm sure you won't mind if I download all my favourite films first because you understand being poorly, I need some entertainment', which would probably have prompted him to reply 'eh you cheeky monkey, you better not be spending my money, I better come and check you're not being naughty'.

Reading your message, I don't think your partner is uncaring, I think he feels overwhelmed with your expectations, direct or not. He is a man used to his freedom and doing things for himself even if he has his kids at weekends. If you want to make it work, maybe you could consider this.

FBaby

BugglyB wrote: »

I dont normally say stuff like that OP but the thread is called 'don't know what to do' - thought I'd put in my view of what you should do. Which is dump him. You know it makes sense do it do it do it.

I'm really aghast how common the advice on this forum often only come back with 'ditch him' as if the poster couldn't possibly have thought of that herself.

Is this a reflection of how people deal with their relationships nowadays, because they are struggling to understand each other and find compromises they give up? No surprised there are so many separations/divorces with all what it implies if that is the case.

I have no doubt if I had posted my concerns with my relationship before I moved in with my partner, I would have been getting the same responses, telling me that I was absolutely mad to move in with him. As it is, we are deeply in love, our relationship stronger than ever, and now both prepared to consider marriage next year.

Of course there comes a time when things don't get sorted and you have to accept defeat, but I really don't feel that the OP is there yet. She clearly loves her partner and he says he does too, so there is still scope to try to understand why they can't seem to make each other happy despite their shared love before they decide that it isn't worth the effort any longer.

spirit

emtsuj wrote: »

My adult son thinks he has a bad case of the 'it's all about me's'

.

Your son is right. Just exactly what are you getting out of this 'relationship'?

267

FBaby wrote: »

I think your problem might lay in these few words. You seem to have a lot of expectations of him.

oh dear Lord, did you really just write that? She wants a relationship that is a two way street, that's hardly being demanding.

FBaby wrote: »

Because you would have done something, you expect him to have done to same, get upset when he doesn't and assume it must be that he doesn't care/love you enough.

It's not just about that though is it? It's about so many things, his unwillingness / inability to communicate to resolve issues.

FBaby wrote: »

I have been there and I think we would have ended up separated if the penny hadn't finally dropped that my partner doesn't analyse situations/needs/desires the same way I do. For one, he doesn't do half of the thinking I do!! He also has self-centred tendencies, not because he doesn't care, but because he never really had to look after anyone's feelings before.

So? we all go through life facing situations we haven't come across before by your reasoning we should all walk away saying "I've never had to do that before, so I won't do it now". Sorry, but are you actually thinking about what you are writing or just hitting random keys.

FBaby wrote: »

He admits that he is selfish, but it is not an easy habit to break.

As is pretty much every man on the planet, it's in our DNA. And yes, it can be overcome. Surely, if you truly love someone you put their needs first. That's what mothers do all the time, why would you think this is any different.

This guy loves the idea of being in love but doesn't want the hassle or commitment that comes with it.

FBaby wrote: »

I can understand this, when someone has constant overt expectations of you,

God, yeah. How dare she expect him to show he cares, to ask if there is anything she needs. God, how demanding can you get.

FBaby wrote: »

He is a man used to his freedom and doing things for himself even if he has his kids at weekends. If you want to make it work, maybe you could consider this.

That *may* just be acceptable if they had only known each other for a few weeks but this isn't the case, it is a fairly longstanding relationship. His petulant childlike tantrums are never going to change and for you to suggest otherwise is just plain wrong.