Don't know what to do

FBaby

I re-read your post about his attitude towards your being poorly and to be very honest, I can actually see his position. Not saying that he was right and you wrong, not at all, but i can see how he could consider that you were the one behaving unreasonably. The basis behind this is that he did ask you if you wanted him to come to see you on the Monday, and you didn't tell him that you would, you left him to him. I assume it was because you wanted to see whether he would indeed choose to come without you having to say that's what you wanted, but I can see how a bloke would have interpreted this as 'she isn't feeling great, probably would prefer to be on her own and me not seeing her looking all yuky, I get the message, I'll stay put until she tells me she wants to see me'.

As for the Friday, if it is a case that he was using his company car for his personal use to, I can see how having to go and return it would be a massive blow and put him in a very bad mood. I can see how he could have deducted that if you were finally well enough to spend the evening with him, after 4 days, you would be well enough to get in a car to pick him up rather than expecting him to find out about buses.

Again, I'm not saying he was right to react the way he did, but it might very well be a question of interpretation of the situation.

You told him two weeks ago that you were over, but then back tracked, could it be that he feels you are giving mix messages?

emtsuj wrote: »

He's just text me to ask if 'this is it' previously I would have said yes, tried to get him to see my point of view or had a rant at him and ultimately this would have started off the text war cycle.

Isn't that what you are accusing him of? Ranting and not listening to you, but then you say your response would be to rant and to make him see your views rather than listening to his?

Today will be different today the ball will be staying firmly in his court.

So again playing games, how is this going to help if you are in such a headlock with communication?

I really feel it is a pity you both seem to be stuck in these controlling games. Maybe you are much more similar to each other than you see. I don't know but really, if it does come to this every time and nothing is evolving, then indeed, maybe it is better to put an end to it at this stage.

FBaby

Ha ha, clearly I am the only one who can see things from his perspective too. Oh well, he's not here to read it, so should probably get on to something else

emtsuj

FBaby wrote: »

I re-read your post about his attitude towards your being poorly and to be very honest, I can actually see his position. Not saying that he was right and you wrong, not at all, but i can see how he could consider that you were the one behaving unreasonably. The basis behind this is that he did ask you if you wanted him to come to see you on the Monday, and you didn't tell him that you would, you left him to him. I assume it was because you wanted to see whether he would indeed choose to come without you having to say that's what you wanted, but I can see how a bloke would have interpreted this as 'she isn't feeling great, probably would prefer to be on her own and me not seeing her looking all yuky, I get the message, I'll stay put until she tells me she wants to see me

No I asked him to do what he wanted because he has used this in the past as a way of telling me what he preferred to do, If I'd said that I wanted him to nurse me he would have taken offence and gone off in a huff. I know this because I have experienced it before, I have learnt that when he gives me a choice of what he should do, his mind has already been made up. I didn't want the ensuing argument so I asked him to make his own decision.


As for the Friday, if it is a case that he was using his company car for his personal use to, I can see how having to go and return it would be a massive blow and put him in a very bad mood. I can see how he could have deducted that if you were finally well enough to spend the evening with him, after 4 days, you would be well enough to get in a car to pick him up rather than expecting him to find out about buses.

It wasn't a case of me being well enough to see him. I have been quite ill with a long term medical condition that he is aware of. I wanted to see him because I wanted to spend some time with him, isn't that what you do when you are in a relationship?

Of course losing his car would have been a blow, but it's one he's had 3 months to adjust to. Once again it's his issues that are at the forefront of his mind, that are most important to him. Are you really saying that in a relationship this is the right way to behave? To consider no one but yourself? I have often picked him up and dropped him off and have never had a problem with this. I have also put him on my insurance so that he could use my car once his was gone. However I was too ill to collect him on this occasion but he would have been welcome to take my car if he could have managed the indignity of a bus or taxi.

Again, I'm not saying he was right to react the way he did, but it might very well be a question of interpretation of the situation.

You told him two weeks ago that you were over, but then back tracked, could it be that he feels you are giving mix messages?

If you had read one of my previous posts more carefully you would have seen that we'd had a long talk and sorted out some of our issues, so yes I had backtracked and was trying to make our relationship a success.



Isn't that what you are accusing him of? Ranting and not listening to you, but then you say your response would be to rant and to make him see your views rather than listening to his?

You're slightly misquoting me there and taking my words out of context. I was saying what I might have previously done, and yes I've had my ranting moments as has he, I have never professed to being perfect.

So again playing games, how is this going to help if you are in such a headlock with communication?

I can assure you there will be no more game playing on my part and there hasn't been for quite some time. My remark was merely a confirmation of this and I think you may have misunderstood my intention. The ball will be in his court because I will not rise to his baiting but will be asking him what he wants to do, how he thinks we should move forward and what if anything we need to do to make sure this doesn't happen again. I don't have all the answers and as part of learning to compromise you do need to listen as well as talk, don't you agree?

I really feel it is a pity you both seem to be stuck in these controlling games. Maybe you are much more similar to each other than you see. I don't know but really, if it does come to this every time and nothing is evolving, then indeed, maybe it is better to put an end to it at this stage.

It does appear that I may have upset you in some way because the tone of your posts seem to have become more negative. It wasn't my intention and I'm very sorry if anything I have said has upset you.

FBaby

No no, no upset at all As I've said I can relate to your position because I was there, but being where I am now, I can see it from a different perspective, but of course, for one you are not me, and for two, I am drawing the conclusion that our partners are indeed very similar. Maybe not, maybe mine is indeed much more reasonable.

I think I went on because I felt you were writing initially because you were actually looking at ways to try to sort things out rather than getting confirmation that you should tell him to take a hike, because again, if that is what you had in mind, you could just do it. I feel from your message today that this is the direction you are taking, so clearly my interventions are not going to help, but I definitely am not taking offense and I hope I haven't come across to you as too harsh either.

emtsuj

FBaby wrote: »

No no, no upset at all As I've said I can relate to your position because I was there, but being where I am now, I can see it from a different perspective, but of course, for one you are not me, and for two, I am drawing the conclusion that our partners are indeed very similar. Maybe not, maybe mine is indeed much more reasonable.

I think I went on because I felt you were writing initially because you were actually looking at ways to try to sort things out rather than getting confirmation that you should tell him to take a hike, because again, if that is what you had in mind, you could just do it. I feel from your message today that this is the direction you are taking, so clearly my interventions are not going to help, but I definitely am not taking offense and I hope I haven't come across to you as too harsh either.

I'm glad I haven't offended you and as always I have appreciated your perspective.

I can see why you would think that I am looking to end my relationship and yes it does look as though this is the way it will go but it's not what I wanted. I wanted it to work, I really did but you can only bang your head against a brick wall for so long before common sense tells you to give up.

spirit

emtsuj wrote: »

I think being ill and his reaction to my illness has been a real eye opener for me. I haven't been able to do much but sit and think about our relationship this week and I just can't get my head round why he wouldn't come to see me? Even if he's the type that likes to withdraw into his own space when he's ill (and there could be some truth there) why would he not come round when I have specifically said that I would like some support?

again I say that your son's interpretation is correct. If you care about someone surely you would pop in at the very least to see if you needed prescriptions getting, hot drinks/food.

emtsuj

spirit wrote: »

again I say that your son's interpretation is correct. If you care about someone surely you would pop in at the very least to see if you needed prescriptions getting, hot drinks/food.

I agree but it looks like I'm wrong to think this way. I can't ask him about it again because he will get defensive and accuse me of having a go at him. In his eyes he had perfectly good reasons as to why he hadn't been round to see me and that's that.

spirit

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001930/

ring any bells?

267

FBaby wrote: »

Ha ha, clearly I am the only one who can see things from his perspective too. Oh well, he's not here to read it, so should probably get on to something else

I've read this several times now and couldn't understand how you can apparently rejoice in your empathy with this eejit. But when I factor in your admission that emtsuj could be talking about your current partner, it all made sense.

The fact that you are happy to kowtow to this "man" does not make it the measure by which all others should live their lives.

FBaby

267 wrote: »

I've read this several times now and couldn't understand how you can apparently rejoice in your empathy with this eejit. But when I factor in your admission that emtsuj could be talking about your current partner, it all made sense.

The fact that you are happy to kowtow to this "man" does not make it the measure by which all others should live their lives.

What are you on about now?? I've made it clear from the start that I was writing to try to give emtsuj another perspective, not to tell emtsuj what she should do. I never wrote that all was her fault and therefore she should accept the way he is. I don't bother to spend so much time posting unless I feel that the poster's situation is very similar to mine and the way she was describing her partner, indeed, I very much believe that it was the case. Now not only do I not know her, but like everyone, we can only built a picture of who her partner is like from what she wrote. Someone else could have come here and written about him and we could hardly recognise the same person. The outcome was positive in my case, so thought it was worthy to share it.

I've learnt that when people ask for advice about what they should do, the best help they can receive is to be given different perspectives for them to consider and decide what corresponds most to their own situation and help them make their own decision. That's what I was trying to do. Telling someone to just dump their partner isn't helpful advice.

Emtsuj stated that she didn't feel offended by my interventions, she just didn't agree with them which is absolutely fine, so I am not too sure why the fact you don't agree with me either has given you the right to reply aggressively unless you have issues with accepting your opinions being challenged.