Don't know what to do

BugglyB

I rarely post that I think people should break up with their partners. I do think this poster should. She sounds deeply unhappy and like this is affecting her self esteem.

I don't think relationships should be 'automatic' or like they are in rom coms where things are great without people talking about them. Well done to you for sorting out your communication issues with your partner. However my advice to the OP is specific to the circumstances she is in. I do think if you have had a relatively short relationship on the rebound from a long marriage, you have no children together and you are saying things like

I am beginning to realise just how much I'd given up of the things I liked to do to suit him.

I feel confused and not too sure if I'm being unreasonable asking for his support

think I've finally reached the end of my endurance


its time to call it a day.

The OP doesn't have to take my advice, and you don't have to agree with me, thats the beauty of this forum wouldn't you say FBaby, she gets to see two different viewpoints.

BugglyB

267 wrote: »

Sorry, but are you actually thinking about what you are writing or just hitting random keys.

Bit harsh isn't it? We all have different opinions and Fbaby is trying to help the OP as much as anyone else is.

267

FBaby wrote: »

I'm really aghast how common the advice on this forum often only come back with 'ditch him' as if the poster couldn't possibly have thought of that herself.

Is this a reflection of how people deal with their relationships nowadays, because they are struggling to understand each other and find compromises they give up? No surprised there are so many separations/divorces with all what it implies if that is the case.

I have no doubt if I had posted my concerns with my relationship before I moved in with my partner, I would have been getting the same responses, telling me that I was absolutely mad to move in with him. As it is, we are deeply in love, our relationship stronger than ever, and now both prepared to consider marriage next year.

Of course there comes a time when things don't get sorted and you have to accept defeat, but I really don't feel that the OP is there yet. She clearly loves her partner and he says he does too, so there is still scope to try to understand why they can't seem to make each other happy despite their shared love before they decide that it isn't worth the effort any longer.

Did you actually bother to read the OPs very first post? Again, this isn't her over-reacting to a 5 minute relationship, this is her realising that the appallingly juvenile behaviour he has been subjecting her to isn't getting any better.

Perhaps you'd like to suggest she sticks it out until he starts swinging for her? May be a few bruises would look good alongside the emotional turmoil.

267

BugglyB wrote: »

Bit harsh isn't it? We all have different opinions and Fbaby is trying to help the OP as much as anyone else is.

By suggesting she subject herself to more of the same? I'd hardly class that as help.

FBaby

267, how can you be so adament that the OP is being badly treated when all we have is her side of the story? I'm sure you know very well that people can interpret the same situation in a very different light. OP has told us how she interpreted it from her perspective, I tried to give her a view of how it could possibly from his. YOu seem to be very sure of your analysis of the situation and what she should do, I admire your self-confidence....

A lot of what the OP wrote is very similar to what I could have written 18 months ago. I managed to make it work with my partner by understanding how HE was thinking and feeling. It wasn't a question of who was right or wrong, he is far from perfect, but I've learn that neither was I. Yes, it did take me making all the initial efforts to make it work, and I could be resenting that, but from my perspective, it was worth it because I now see how much he is also putting into the relationship in a different way than I am. In the end, when things were bad, I had the choice to either accepting how things were and feeling trapped and frustrated, leaving him, but feeling miserable because I trully adored him, or finding a way to make it work so we could both feel happy in the relationship. It wasn't difficult to come up with these or even to decide which way to go, what was was working on the best way to compromise.

So yes, I did very much read and thought that instead of being told once again that she should just dump him, OP would appreciate to hear from someone who was in a similar situation than her and made it work.

BugglyB wrote: »

Bit harsh isn't it? We all have different opinions and Fbaby is trying to help the OP as much as anyone else is.

thank you. I didn't mean to be so reactive in my message, but I do think it is easy for posters to tell someone they don't know to just dump their partner when they say they are facing difficulties. I think it can easily miselad posters who are already confused and feeling insecure. Do sucessful relationships only the ones where both partners are wonderful communicators, good listeners, who always consider other's point of views, are able to compromise without a second thought?

In the end, if the poster decide that she should dump him, then the decision will be straight foward, but if she does decide that maybe if it worth pursuing further ways to make it work, she might appreciate my advice.

FBaby

267 wrote: »

Perhaps you'd like to suggest she sticks it out until he starts swinging for her? May be a few bruises would look good alongside the emotional turmoil.

Don't you think you are a bit quick jumping to conclusions here... not every one with communication issues or selfish tendencies end up hitting their partner... I hope you are not intending on ever becoming a counsellor...

267

FBaby wrote: »

267, how can you be so adament that the OP is being badly treated when all we have is her side of the story?

Isn't that the case whenever someone asks for advice? whether is be emotional, financial or whatever, advice given can only ever be based on the information given.

I'm sure you know very well that people can interpret the same situation in a very different light. OP has told us how she interpreted it from her perspective, I tried to give her a view of how it could possibly from his. You seem to be very sure of your analysis of the situation and what she should do, I admire your self-confidence....

Thank you But, what I saw is you saying was "continue to make allowances for him" "give him time to adjust" How long do you think he should be given, a year? 5 years? 10 years? OP has invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship has has got little more than diddly squat back.

A lot of what the OP wrote is very similar to what I could have written 18 months ago. I managed to make it work with my partner by understanding how HE was thinking and feeling. It wasn't a question of who was right or wrong, he is far from perfect, but I've learn that neither was I.

I am glad that your situation has improved and you are indeed correct, none of us is perfect but does that really mean we shouldn't strive to achieve perfection in all that we do? I cannot accept that.

Yes, it did take me making all the initial efforts to make it work, and I could be resenting that, but from my perspective, it was worth it because I now see how much he is also putting into the relationship in a different way than I am. In the end, when things were bad, I had the choice to either accepting how things were and feeling trapped and frustrated, leaving him, but feeling miserable because I trully adored him, or finding a way to make it work so we could both feel happy in the relationship.

OP has already changed quite a bit to accommodate him, has accepted he is no longer the person he was all those years ago and has adjusted as best she can to that realisation.

It wasn't difficult to come up with these or even to decide which way to go, what was was working on the best way to compromise.

Sorry but you are missing the point. OP has compromised her socks off, the b/f isn't interested in meeting her 25% of the way. He clearly wants everything his way, no compromise. If that is the sort of relationship you want, then good luck to you but please don't encourage others to accept it.

So yes, I did very much read and thought that instead of being told once again that she should just dump him, OP would appreciate to hear from someone who was in a similar situation than her and made it work.

Again, I am glad your's worked out but that doesn't mean it will for everyone. I have seen this too many times in my lifetime and am adamant that in these circumstances, OP should regain herself respect and move on.

emtsuj

I do appreciate all opinions here and if nothing else it gives me another perspective to think about. It is interesting to hear that others have gone through a similar situation and made it out the otherside with their relationship intact.

Of course you are only getting my side of the story but I have given you a glimpse of his thinking too, though maybe it's been too sketchy for you to get a real feel for his opinions?

I know that I have made mistakes and have behaved childishly in the past but I have made a huge effort to move away from that type of behaviour and I can safely say that I have been calm and level headed in my responses to my b/f in the last few weeks. However the same can not be said for him.

I do have expectations and I don't feel that it is wrong to do so. I expect to receive the same level of consideration that I give, nothing more.

I don't sit there moping and sulking and hoping that he will notice. If something is bothering me then I will tell him in a calm way, I try to explain why I feel disappointed or let down and I try to do it face to face. Invariably this will get his back up because he feels that I am twisting his words/behaviours to show him in a bad light or that I am trying to control him and bend him to my will. Straight away he's on the defensive and his best form of defense is to attack. If that doesn't work he storms off and then we'd have text wars for a few days until he calms down.

I don't think that it is unreasonable to want to be able to have an adult discussion, to talk things through and come to a compromise.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your b/f to sometimes put you first. We are not selfish teenagers, we're both fairly intelligent middle aged people.

Don't get me wrong he has made positive changes in the time we've been together, he used to be (to my mind and he also agrees) a fairly heavy drinker, he has cut this right back to more reasonable levels. He used to be a heavy smoker but has cut right back and has tried to quit altogether.

He was quite selfish with the amount of money he'd spend on his kids, they adore him and of course there are more important things than having treats in life but when I first met them they were quite resigned to not getting many treats, not getting much spent on them at birthdays and christmas, not having holidays with their dad all because they knew he didn't have much money. However this never stopped him treating himself with expensive clothes, alcohol, cigarettes and expensive coffees. He does now spend more money treating his kids than he ever used to.

I know there is a decision coming and I know that without significant changes to his behaviour this relationship will be coming to an end. This saddens me because I do love him and would like to be happy with him. We could have had a happy little life together but I realise that I can't force him to be who I want, the change if change is possible has to come from him.

267

FBaby wrote: »

Don't you think you are a bit quick jumping to conclusions here... not every one with communication issues or selfish tendencies end up hitting their partner...

I don't recall saying they do, so please don't attempt to put words at my finger tips.

I hope you are not intending on ever becoming a counsellor...

:rotfl:
:rotfl:
oh dear. Heaven forbid.

Advice that I give is based on a lifetime of observing and learning not dug out of some outdated reference book with a worthless degree attached.

I am sure the OP will make up her own mind once she has weighed up all the conflicting advice received. Hopefully she will make a decision that, in the future, she accepts was the right one for her.

FBaby

267 wrote: »

Thank you But, what I saw is you saying was "continue to make allowances for him" "give him time to adjust" How long do you think he should be given, a year? 5 years? 10 years? OP has invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship has has got little more than diddly squat back.

Then that's where you saw wrong. I never said she should continue to make allowances, I said that she should consider maybe giving their relationship a chance and try to see things from his perspective and not only from her point of view.

emtsuj, your description of your partner so reminds me of mine, it is hard not to see myself in your shoes The acting defensive, the storming out, the too much drinking, the selfisheness. Of course, he has many fantastic qualities too that made me love him very much. The difference between you and I is that I decided to see things from his perspective and when I did, I started to understand how he was functioning. As such, I have adjusted the way I reacted to it, which in turn has had the effect of him acting differently.

I do have expectations and I don't feel that it is wrong to do so. I expect to receive the same level of consideration that I give, nothing more.

Of course it isn't wrong, it's about whether anyone could ever actually give you the consideration you expect. Again, I've been there after I separated from my ex, decided that I deserved better than him and that I would find someone who could meet my expectations.... I meant quite a number of men, but not one even close to reaching these expectations. My partner certainly came the closest, and still I expected more. This is why I say that in the end, I had either the choice of leaving him and hoping that my Mr absolutely perfect came around, or for once reconsider my expectations.

As I've said, ironically, it is now that I've chilled out that he is giving me a lot more than he was before. He has completely curved his drinking, he is giving me much more attention, if anything it is now often him who brings up the issue of us not spending enough time together and more importantly, he has really opened talking about 'upsetting' matters when he would have run a mile before. I would say that he is a different person, but I know he would say the same of me. I think we have just found our middle ground that allow us to grow together.

In the end, we do all agree that it is totally up to you. No one can predict uour future. You might meet someone who does meet all your expectations and you will look back and be grateful that you left him, or you might accumulate bad relationships always feeling frustrated that your partners are not up to your standards, realising that this one wasn't that bad after all, or you might decide that you are actually quite happy on your own. If you are currently not happy at all, not prepared to compromise and don't think he will ever change, then indeed, you might as well get out of it now.