Don't know what to do

Emmzi

emtsuj wrote: »

The first time he ranted at me without interruption for an hour and then spent the next forty minutes interrupting me each time I tried to speak.

So that's the point at which I'd have left the building and not come back. Too old for that kind of crap.

FBaby

I think I must come from another planet as clearly most people here have perfect partners who never rant, never interrupt, never show any grumpiness, and are clearly perfect themselves.

Writing this with a hint of irony, but seriously, you would leave someone you really liked or found potential to have a relationship just because he once ranted and interrupted? Crap, I have a tendency to do that, got much better over the years, I'm grateful my partner didn't give me the boot the first time I did it, which I do recall happened to be on his birthday 8 months after we met!!!

Emmzi

ranted for an hour? yup.

MissKeith

FBaby wrote: »

I think I must come from another planet as clearly most people here have perfect partners who never rant, never interrupt, never show any grumpiness, and are clearly perfect themselves.

Writing this with a hint of irony, but seriously, you would leave someone you really liked or found potential to have a relationship just because he once ranted and interrupted? Crap, I have a tendency to do that, got much better over the years, I'm grateful my partner didn't give me the boot the first time I did it, which I do recall happened to be on his birthday 8 months after we met!!!

No but I would leave someone if they had behaved like this since day one. I think him refusing to go see her when she was sick would have been enough for me. That's the epitome of selfish to me and a huge sign that he cares about himself way more than her.

My partner isn't perfect but after living with an abusive, selfish ex for three years, this kind of behavior would be a deal breaker for me. I think you're living I in cloud cuckoo land if you think that's okay. It's all very well trying to work on a relationship as nobody is perfect, but when the other person seems so unwilling to work too. Well I wouldn't be wasting my time.

emtsuj

FBaby wrote: »

Then that's where you saw wrong. I never said she should continue to make allowances, I said that she should consider maybe giving their relationship a chance and try to see things from his perspective and not only from her point of view.

emtsuj, your description of your partner so reminds me of mine, it is hard not to see myself in your shoes The acting defensive, the storming out, the too much drinking, the selfisheness. Of course, he has many fantastic qualities too that made me love him very much. The difference between you and I is that I decided to see things from his perspective and when I did, I started to understand how he was functioning. As such, I have adjusted the way I reacted to it, which in turn has had the effect of him acting differently.



Of course it isn't wrong, it's about whether anyone could ever actually give you the consideration you expect. Again, I've been there after I separated from my ex, decided that I deserved better than him and that I would find someone who could meet my expectations.... I meant quite a number of men, but not one even close to reaching these expectations. My partner certainly came the closest, and still I expected more. This is why I say that in the end, I had either the choice of leaving him and hoping that my Mr absolutely perfect came around, or for once reconsider my expectations.

But I have experienced this type of relationship, I know it exists. I had someone who considered me and my feelings as I did his. It didn't happen all at once and it was hard work along the way. Hard work and compromise from both of us but it was something we were both willing to do to make it work. Unfortunately after twenty odd years together he made a mistake that I wasn't able to forgive or forget.

As I've said, ironically, it is now that I've chilled out that he is giving me a lot more than he was before. He has completely curved his drinking, he is giving me much more attention, if anything it is now often him who brings up the issue of us not spending enough time together and more importantly, he has really opened talking about 'upsetting' matters when he would have run a mile before. I would say that he is a different person, but I know he would say the same of me. I think we have just found our middle ground that allow us to grow together.

In the end, we do all agree that it is totally up to you. No one can predict uour future. You might meet someone who does meet all your expectations and you will look back and be grateful that you left him, or you might accumulate bad relationships always feeling frustrated that your partners are not up to your standards, realising that this one wasn't that bad after all, or you might decide that you are actually quite happy on your own. If you are currently not happy at all, not prepared to compromise and don't think he will ever change, then indeed, you might as well get out of it now.

I don't think that my expectations or standards are too high, I'm not expecting the perfect relationship as I know that doesn't exist and all relationships take work and I was more than up for it.

I am surprised that you feel I'm not prepared to compromise, I've never said this, quite the opposite in fact as it is compromise that I have been searching for. I am willing to change and I have made many changes but compromise is not a one way street, it has to come from both people otherwise it is just one person changing to suit the other.

I am pleased for you that you were able to subjugate your own expectations to save your relationship and that this has had the positive effect you wanted. I have taken your previous comments and used them, I have backed off and given him space and I do thank you for giving me that perspective. However I don't know if I have it in me to go to the lengths that you have.
Just to add this is in no way a criticism of you, I am truly glad you got the relationship you wanted and I wish you the best.

emtsuj

He's just text me to ask if 'this is it' previously I would have said yes, tried to get him to see my point of view or had a rant at him and ultimately this would have started off the text war cycle.

Today will be different today the ball will be staying firmly in his court.

267

FBaby wrote: »

Then that's where you saw wrong. I never said she should continue to make allowances, I said that she should consider maybe giving their relationship a chance and try to see things from his perspective and not only from her point of view.

And as has now been pointed out several times she has already been doing that for quite some time. Quite why you keep missing that, I really don't know.

267

emtsuj wrote: »

He's just text me to ask if 'this is it' previously I would have said yes, tried to get him to see my point of view or had a rant at him and ultimately this would have started off the text war cycle.

Today will be different today the ball will be staying firmly in his court.

Be true to yourself, you have nothing to lose.

emtsuj

MissKeith wrote: »

No but I would leave someone if they had behaved like this since day one. I think him refusing to go see her when she was sick would have been enough for me. That's the epitome of selfish to me and a huge sign that he cares about himself way more than her.

My partner isn't perfect but after living with an abusive, selfish ex for three years, this kind of behavior would be a deal breaker for me. I think you're living I in cloud cuckoo land if you think that's okay. It's all very well trying to work on a relationship as nobody is perfect, but when the other person seems so unwilling to work too. Well I wouldn't be wasting my time.

I think being ill and his reaction to my illness has been a real eye opener for me. I haven't been able to do much but sit and think about our relationship this week and I just can't get my head round why he wouldn't come to see me? Even if he's the type that likes to withdraw into his own space when he's ill (and there could be some truth there) why would he not come round when I have specifically said that I would like some support?

MissKeith

I think reading that shocked me. I hope you do have a good think about him as he doesn't seem supportive at all. My current partner went out looking in the pouring rain all night when my dog went missing even though we'd only been together for a few weeks. I don't know what I'd do without him and his support now we've been together for a few years.

You deserve so much better than this, I hope it all works out for you, I really do.