Don't know what to do

emtsuj

Sorry for posting this here but I'm feeling so confused and upset and I don't have anyone to talk to. Sorry that this is so long and rambling.

I split up with my husband of twenty odd years a couple of years ago due to his infidelity. Shortly afterwards I started seeing an old boyfriend who I'd found on facebook, admittedly at first because I knew it would upset my then husband.

I wasn't looking for another relationship but one developed very quickly, probably too quickly as I was still dealing with the end of my marriage but we got on really well and enjoyed each others company, or so I thought.

I'm now having a big problem with my partner, when we disagree on anything he will jump straight in and tell me I'm dismissing his opinion, he tells me that he doesn't have a voice and will often storm off home. He will then refuse to communicate with me in any way than via text. I find this incredibly frustrating as text arguments take days, I do sometimes lose my temper and tell him we're over, childish I know and something I really need to change.

My partner had been on his own for a long time so I appreciate he's used to having his own way. I know that I can also be a bossy boots and I like to have my own way too, although I'm open to discussion and often do compromise,. When we argue I just want to get it sorted out as soon as possible, but my partner sees that as me being controlling and demanding and this makes him dig his heels in even more.

I'm not used to all this as my husband was always willing to discuss our problems and sort it out, he was a lovely husband until he had his midlife crisis and I couldn't forgive him.

I know my partner has some self esteem issues (not that you'd know it to look at him, he's a real life and soul character) especially about my husband and with me ending our relationship when we argue but I feel like he holds onto the past and uses it to punish me for any little disagreement now.

Currently I've seen him twice in the last 2weeks. We'd argued and he'd walked out (we don't live together) I asked him to meet up to talk about it to try to sort it out. The first time he ranted at me without interruption for an hour and then spent the next forty minutes interrupting me each time I tried to speak. The next time I went round his kids were there and he was playing with them, which is fair enough.

I have tried to arrange other times that we could talk but each time he has either taken offence about something I'd texted or has told me he's tired and wants an early night/has something else to do. Last night was the last straw for me, we'd arranged to meet at 8pm and at 8:03pm he text to say he was tired and wanted an early night again, however I then discover he's playing online games til midnight.

I've told him how hurt I am this morning and that as he didn't really want to be with me there's no point carrying on. Now I'm getting texts saying it's me demanding and dumping again.

Is there any point carrying on? If there is how do I get out of this cycle?

January20

Do you really want to have a relationship with somebody who is so childish? so immature in dealing with arguments and differences of opinion?

Of course, you could always switch your phone off and refuse to play these little text games?

I would be worried about his online games as those can be quite addictive.

Re-read your post and imagine a friend wrote it. What would you say to her?

emtsuj

Thanks for the reply, you're right if I had a friend telling me this tale of woe I'd be telling her to get rid!

I'm easily drawn into the text games because I use my mobile phone as my alarm clock and by nature I'm a nosey cow.

I feel torn because he used to be lovely most of the time, our children get on well and we've had some wonderful times together. He's been stressed out for the last few months due to problems at work and being made redundant so I've been using that as an excuse.

I thought we'd be able to get past the childishness on both sides and have a nice life together. I really wanted it to work and I'm not really used to failed relationships.

He's now telling me that his barriers went up because I asked him to leave two weeks ago and that's why he's behaving like this. He seems to have forgotten that he'd already said he was leaving.

sarymclary

It sounds to me that he is punishing you with distance, and by controlling what contact you can have with him.

Power and control sound to be the main crux of your relationship issues here. He wants the control completely, and I'm sure if you were to be compliant, agree with what he said, life would be plain sailing.

However, you sound like a reasonably intelligent person, capable of independent thought, and that's just never going to be right for him.

The issues seem to be his, not your's, and you cannot fix him I'm afraid.

I think you are still in recovery from the failure of your marriage, hence you're struggling with the concept of this relationship failing. The difference here is that you invested into a marriage with your ex husband, and therefore you would have felt honour bound to invest in that relationship through the ups/downs. I think it shows enormous strength of character on your part that you felt that his infidelity was the breaking point for that partnership.

It does sound that perhaps your ex was a more easy person for you to share your life with, and that your way of dealing with any upsets meant that you could deal with them, and move forward. Your new partner doesn't sound like he wants to do that, but actually is using any past issues to add to ammunition against you in the future. His insecurities may be at the root of that, but again, you can't fix that for him.

I would recommend you put your phone into 'flight' mode for a couple of nights, where your alarm will still wake you, but you won't be tempted to keep checking for text messages. If necessary, send him a short message to say you will not be corresponding via text with him, as it is not adding anything constructive to the situation. You need some time to think, etc.

While you have this break from the texting silliness, I would sit down and write down what you want from a loving, supportive relationship... try not to think in terms of your partner or ex, but just what you want. When you read back through that list, make a point of underlining your non-negotiables (ie. honest, demonstrative, honourable, trusting, etc). Then think of how your partner measures up. Is he up to the job? If you invest more years of your life with this man, will he have improved, or gotten worse, due to manipulating you during times of disagreement, so that you are more compliant?

I totally understand that your children get on, and that you've had good times together, but that's not really the basis for a lifetime with someone.

Underneath it all, you seem to know that you went into this relationship blindly, and emotionally bearing the scars of your marriage breakdown. Perhaps you owe it to yourself to take some time out of relationships, to help find out who you are, and what you want, and then when you know your own value and worth, the right person will be there anyway, and you'll be treasured all the more for it.

Good luck!

emtsuj

Thank you so much for your reply, I've been feeling like it's all my fault. I have said previously that I feel the issues we have are to do with power and control. We're both stubborn and I am just as argumentative as he is, so I know I have played a part in what's happening now. However he is adamant that he has no control, that everything is 'my way or the highway', he doesn't see that he controls everything.

In my last text I asked him why bother carrying on with the texts because I'd made my feelings clear (I said for my own sanity I couldn't go on living like this). His reply was 'you're right as always, your opinions always count, my mean nothing, how I feel means nothing. well done you'

I'm taking your advice putting my phone on silent and I'm going to try my hardest to not check for texts.

pinkshoes

Do you REALLY want to be in a relationship with someone who is too immature to communicate?

Sounds to me like a rebound relationship that went much further than it ever should have!

(Your name doesn't begin with L does it???)

emtsuj

(Your name doesn't begin with L does it???)[/QUOTE]

lol, no it doesn't! Do I sound like someone you know?

ItchyFeet

Thanks for this thread and the advice - it sounds just like the relationship i had with my last boyfriend. I kept finishing it because i couldn't see any way forward with him ignoring me. Then he would ask to try again. It's only recently that i have come to the realisation that a relationship really isn't going to work if one person isn't ready or able to communicate sufficiently.

emtsuj

It's sad that I'm not the only person experiencing this behaviour but it is nice to hear that it's not just me. Are you still in a relationship or have you managed to end it? If so how did you do it, if you don't mind me asking.

267

emtsuj wrote: »

Sorry for posting this here but I'm feeling so confused and upset and I don't have anyone to talk to. Sorry that this is so long and rambling.
<SNIP>
Is there any point carrying on? If there is how do I get out of this cycle?

It is indeed sad that your relationship isn't working out but I have to agree wholeheartedly with sarymclary.

He may well have been on his own for sometime but that really is no excuse. If he wanted the relationship to work he would know that there has to be give & take, compromise. As he has children, he has clearly been in a 'long term' relationship before so should know all about being in a PARTNERSHIP.

When my late wife and I first met she had previously been married whereas I was the original confirmed bachelor. I embarked on a very steep learning curve as I had always lived on my own. I managed it because I wanted our PARTNERSHIP to work.

If he truly respected you and wanted to be with you, he would listen to you, he would talk to you, he would do everything in his power to make your PARTNERSHIP work.

Please don't think I am suggesting he should be a door mat, I am not. I do however think he needs to grow up a little. He needs to understand that the only woman in his life that would forgive behaviour like this is his mother and even she would be grinding her teeth.

Concentrate on yourself for now and good luck for the future.

pinkshoes

emtsuj wrote: »

(Your name doesn't begin with L does it???)

lol, no it doesn't! Do I sound like someone you know?[/QUOTE]

I have a work colleague who separated from his wife of 20+ years almost 2 years ago, and she's just about to split up with her "new" boyfriend after 2 years together, who was incidentally someone she used to know...

(The infidelity bit was the other way round though...)