Childs party DD not invited

DevilsAdvocate1

It is very hurtful though. When my youngest was a baby and toddler we were friendly with a group of mums. We used to meet every Thursday at a soft play, plus we would meet up at a toddler group each week. We even went on holiday for a week.

During the holiday, the family I shared with (single mum with one son) told me all about her son's birthday plans. I will call her son G for this story. My son's birthday is during the same month as G.

Anway, though we had been to her son's birthday party 2 years running, this year there was no invite. The group were all invited to my son's party which was in our house.

Not long after they arrived, I realised that every time I left the room to make drinks or bring in food, they all started talking about a birthday party they had recently been to. When I entered the room there was a horrible hush and I felt that I was being talked about. I quickly worked out that it was G.'s party, which had taken place 2 days earlier, that they were all talking about. I probably wouldn't have been as upset, but they made me feel very uncomfortable in my own home.

I'm not one to hold grudges and I tried really hard to remain friends. But in the end, I just didn't feel the same way anymore, so I stopped meeting with them. G.'s mum rang me once, to find out why, so I told her. She sounded really shocked, but admitted that it had felt awkward at my son's birthday party and she apologized, saying that we were really good friends.

So I really feel for you, OP. I know how it can change the way you look at people and how hurt it feels to be left out. Try and do something really special for your daughter on that day.

Armchair23

I really think that if you can't just let this go you and your daughter have got years of angst ahead of you when the bigger problems arise. You can choose for this to be a big deal or you can choose to just let it pass .
Learning to hold grudges this early on in your daughters life isn't a good idea, and it's no bad thing to realise that not everything will go your way. Sometimes life just isn't fair, but if you've helped your daughter be a happy and well adjusted kid she'll cope and realise that sometimes things will go in her favour and other times not.

bylromarha

Whilst my class of year 1s is 28, I do feel you're doing the proverbial mountain out of a molehill.

Some kids are invited to parties, some kids aren't. Some girls are best mates for months, then change buddies - if a party falls soon after the change, the mate from last month often doesn't get invited.

I always ask for my invite loudly when invites are being given out and when the birthday lad/lass laughs and tell me I don't have one, I laugh and say "well you make sure you have a great time and who knows, maybe I'll get invited to the next party in our class"

There will always be kids (and mothers - rarely the fathers...) who feel they should receive an invite - I have had to wipe many a tear due to a non invite - but these are the lessons of life they are starting, AND NEEDING, to learn.

duchy

Sorry but all this talk about confrontation is a bit OTT

It's the nature of primary schools-sometimes kids get invited to parties you don't expect them to be...othertimes don't get invitations to ones you'd expect them to.

It could be something as simple as Mum saying to the child -give me X names from school for your party and she gives the names of the X she played with *that* day. Maybe your child was playing with someone else that day or off sick -or whatever.

Move on -it really isn't a huge deal and TBH in some ways better it happened earlier than later as inevitably it happens to every child at one time or another . Do something nice with her the day of the party if you feel it will help (using the £10 you saved on the present of course )

Incidently our school had a rule that invites were never given out in class -the Mum did it in the playground after the kids went in or before they came out -to avoid the angst it can cause the kids . I thought it was a really sensible rule.

whitewing

Devilsadvocate1 - that's horrible that they made you feel awful at your child's party? Did you ever get told why yours hadn't been invited?

System

In my eyes, you really cant ask a mum why your daughter has been excluded from her daughters birthday party. Yes, i agree its unfair and your daughter has every right to be upset, however, she will face much harsher unfairness in life.

If you wade in, your liable of causing bad feeling between the you and the girls Mum and next week your daughters will be probably be best of friends which might make things a little awkward between the two of you.

One thing i learned when my kids were little was not to fight their own minor battles for them if they were able to deal with them themselves.

Unfortunately, dissapointment and hurt feeling are a part of life as your daughter is finding out.

Emmarillo

Don't forget, who was chosen might not have been entirely the little girls choice. I don't live in a village but I bet the 'politics' are even worse than they are in a class of 30 (for the parents, I mean). It wouldn't surprise me if one of the younger girls was invited because her mum is head of the PTA or something that means you have to stay on her good side; and then if she was invited you had to invite her friend.

I don't know, it might be nothing like that, but when mine were little and I had limited numbers it was so tricky as I tried so hard not to upset anyone - sometimes inviting siblings or children of my friends when my daughters would have preferred someone else, just because I felt I had to.

DevilsAdvocate1

whitewing wrote: »

Devilsadvocate1 - that's horrible that they made you feel awful at your child's party? Did you ever get told why yours hadn't been invited?

She said it was G'2 party for his friends and she felt that he did not play with my son as much as the others in the group. She said that if she was having a party for herself then I would be invited because I was one of her main friends.

I pointed out that G wasn't invited to a party that his whole class was invited to and how upset she felt. She told me that it was completely different as it was the whole class. I said, "yes, but you invited the whole group and surely that's worse as we all know each other really well." This was when she apologized and admitted that she'd felt uncomfortable at my son's birthday party.

I really, really tried to remain friends, but didn't feel the same way anymore. I know the group don't meet anymore as I am back in touch with one of them.

Taadaa

I can appreciate that you might view the other girl's mother in a different light if you don't get to the bottom of it. However the chances are she hasn't given it a second thought. She is probably just as busy at the rest of us, and even if she noticed your daughter wasn't invited, she probably thought no more of it upon asking her daughter why, if she even thought to. She might just be too self absorbed - after all, you said you comforted her when she was more upset than her son re the secondary school place. What has she done for you? Maybe the daughter is equally self absorbed.

I'd say to hell with them. And ld find out what they were seeing and take my daughyer to see it first so that she can tell the birthday girl all about it. Muahahahaha

lostinrates

I think its hurtful and horrid, but outside your control.


You cannot reasonably 'confront' the mother (and not sure why any one would 'confront' rather than 'approach') or control how they choose to live or act or bring up theri child.

With your own daughter though, you can. This is hurtful, but a good opportunity to do just that. I would encourage her to give a card wishing her a super birthday, and nothing else, the day of the actual birthday. Then i would do something a bit special with her on the day and explain we cannot control how people act towards us in the short term, though we can influence how they treat us longterm sometimes, what we can control and what might influence their behaviour in the future is how we react and how we choose to feel as a result. No one can help an initial glint of pain, especiallywhen little, but if one chooses to actively do something fun, special and enjoyable instead it gives something else to look forward to and makes us independant and responsible for own own emotional well being. If she is gracious enough to give a card and wish a happy birthday it will be a wonderful reflection on her, and in not moping the others will all form their own little opinions about who is fun and kind to be around in the future.