Is "tough love" acceptable for depression - slight rant (sorry)

bundance

You say your husband is naturally pretty lazy.

In my view, there is always something behind laziness.

We are not born lazy.

Lack of motivation is behind laziness.

Chronic lack of motivation is behind chronic laziness.

I believe that lazy types have had the enthusiasm, vitality and drive knocked out of them somewhere along the line.

If someone is brought up to be motivated by fear, say fear was used to discipline them, then they would grow up, recoiling from things in fear, instead of trying them out.

They would also grow up needing fear to motivate them, say, if they were brought up by being bullied to do everything, they never developed personal drive, or enthusiasm, or enthusiasm wanes quickly. Your hubby's DIY.

Maybe another causal factor in laziness is being used to having everything done for them. Being brought up by a mother who does every last thing and not encouraging learning or self discipline.

I'm not saying your hubby was bullied, spoilt, or anything, I am trying to illustrate that laziness is always an efffect of a certain set of habits, these may vary.

Depression can also be behind laziness, as we all know. Maybe your husband has had low level depression a long time and not known about it.

Depression is also our body/mind's way of flagging some issue up that needs addressing.

Some issue that is out of our conscious awareness.
Depression alerts us to possible required life changes in order to recover balance lost.

Depression is basically saying "This pain is to show you that you are not addressing some issues which need bringing to light and changing in order to be happy again, to feel alive, to feel "on the right path in life"

daska

tough love? yes and no...

For the moment I would suggest setting ONE achievable goal and walking the dog would be an excellent one. Actually, this isn't one goal, it just sounds like it's one goal so it isn't too threatening - it gets him out of the house, it gets him exercising and it means he's done something selfless that he can feel good about. It might possibly extend as far as interacting with other people.

Beyond that, for the moment I'd say 'suck it up'. It's not nice for you but baby steps are what he needs until the meds have really started kick in. And, whilst it's possible that they are making a difference at 3 weeks the chances are it's slight, it may be that he gets to 6 weeks and the difference isn't noticeable because he needs a higher dose or a different type.

Vitamins and minerals can play a huge role in energy levels so good, nutritious food is important. And lots of time, and hugs if you can manage them, even if he doesn't respond.

psychopathbabble

I think tough love in the sense that you should make him get out and walk the dog. Even if that is all you get him to do... it's a start for him to exercise and do something.

I'm currently in the midst of trying to deny to myself that I'm back under the black cloud. I have to say, some days it's struggle for me to even get out of bed as I don't see the point. This is partly due to being signed off work for health problems and not having any routine to my life right now (4 months off and counting).

Other people have written more clearly and better than I have, but I think for now you will have to be patient with him. Encourage him to do things, walk the dog etc, even if they are just small things. He may not thank you for it, but it will help him feel better and start to mend.

ETA: Daska seems to have said what I have in a clearer manner

ani_26

Byatt wrote: »

I would also like to add that people can appear to function outwardly when depressed but inwardly are in turmoil.

That one statement , sums it up, more than any other, at all.

No other person can be in someone else's mindspace.

ani_26

In answer to the OP's question is " tough love " the answer to depression?

The simple answer is, no. Its the worst thing you can do. It just makes it worse. The last thing you need or can cope with, is someone saying do this, do that. You have to accept it as it is, for however long it is. In sickness and in health and all that. Maybe you are not too happy with your relationship as it stands, in the first place? Which is going to make it even more difficult, or should i say, challenging?

But, as its been said, you have become a carer, and in doing so, you need support yourself, and also support in understanding your OH's illness.

Hootie19

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to read, consider and respond to my OP. Especially those who have shared their own experiences.

I think, from reading your replies, that I have perhaps been unnecessarily impatient and harsh with him.

Maybe "lazy" wasn't the correct word to use to describe him. Maybe he's more of a REactive person than a PROactive person. He's not the type of person who will look around the house, for example, and think "oh xyz needs doing, I'll make a start". He will wait until I say "can you do x while I do y and z". I call him (in my head) "Half A Job Johnny", because he will indeed make a start on something, but NEVER finishes it.

The tough love I meant was just making him go out with the dog, even though he really didn't want to. I will continue to "make" him do this, just to give him a goal to focus on each day.

I have followed the links that have been posted, and again, I thank those of you who have taken the time to post them. Some very useful information in there.

And I will also have a chat with my GP to see what advice she can offer.

lemontart

oh dear ..........some good advice from those who have been there and some terrible unsupportive statements from others.

I have been both sides of the situation both as a sufferer of depression and a carer of someone with.

As for the appetite situation not all get that it can for many be a case not wanting to eat for others food becomes a comfort and all levels in between, when I am bad I do not eat well at all, I will pick and pick at junk as a distraction, yes if someone puts a meal in front of me I would eat it but as for getting myself a proper meal no, my ex husband was severely ill to point of ending up in hospital several times would eat when I fed him, and would manage some tasks and not others with varying degrees on different days.

Depression is awful I would not wish that on my worse enemy, I have lost 2 people very close to me due to it and have been in that dark place myself as one other poster said I would pay for it to go away for good.

To be honest I feel you need to seek out the support and advice of those who have professional experience of it.

I found the support of a local group invaluable when carer for my ex husband and have referred a friend who is now in that situation to them as the effect on her is leading her down the path of depression to

http://www.mind.org.uk/

http://www.mind.org.uk/help/people_groups_and_communities/how_to_cope_as_a_carer

here is a starting point to finding support and understanding depression

Hootie19

DreamerV wrote: »

Anyone talking about depression and talking about people getting a grip does not really know that much about depression. There are many people who will be milking the system, but there will be many that are not. Just like there are many genuine benefit claimants, and also a considerable minority who are not so genuine. However in the OP's case, her husband sounds like he wouldn't even go out the house. If he was just milking it, I'd have expected he would be going out to spend time with mates, go down the pub perhaps, carry on with his life, rather than wallowing in bed, watching mind-numbing daytime tv all day, etc. Also most people faking mental illness would be unlikely to actually take the anti-depressants.

This. This is exactly why I think there is more to it than milking it.

He goes to a games club on a Monday evening. He's been going for almost 20 years, and I don't think he's missed it more than three times in all those years, other than when we've been on holiday or he's been recovering from surgery. But he's not been for the last three weeks, and for a few weeks before that, I have had to practically force him out of the door to go (before I knew he'd got the depression diagnosis).

I couldn't work out why he didn't seem to want to go, but given some of the replies I've had, detailing how difficult people have found it to just function in their normal day to day lives, it now makes sense.

Byatt

Hootie, I am so glad you have found many of these posts helpful. Lots have been so eloquent and described depression so well it has also been helpful for me.

here's a link that may be of interest, just happened to be on Yahoo news, coincidentally...also states people can have physical symptoms without neccesarily emotional symptoms. Plus the insidiousness of it all.

http://uk.health.lifestyle.yahoo.net/Be-aware-of-the-signs-of-depression.htm

I'd like to add that I have often thought of myself as lazy, because the depression robs you of motivation and what I call ooomph (not very technical), but when I am well, I am such a hard worker, and not only that I *want* to do things, want to have a tidy house, clean etc...I love feeling like that, so I try and get lots done when I am ok. No-one with depression wants to feel the way they do, it robs you of your "self".

xxxxx

Lara44

I found the books by this author SO helpful when my partner had depression/"burn out".

Although in your case it sounds as if you have some issues with how much your partner was doing around the house before his illness. I think it would be helpful for your partner to at least give a wee bit of housework a try.