Is "tough love" acceptable for depression - slight rant (sorry)

Boots888

lostinrates wrote: »

Medically its about the sufferer, but clearly interms of impact its not just limited to the sufferer!

As for compassion, its very hard ro have compassion at rimes dor sufferers in your family, hence why i sympathise with op. that is not a jice thing to admit, but its true. To deny it would be to be dishonest about the emotions and impact of being in any relationship with a sufferer, and being a related to aomeone who suffers and not likeing it could well be the new stigma.

Incidentally, tbh, i think your statement about the need for family love and compassion is somewhat manipulative in context, and contradictory. If friends and family support is needed the impact must be felt by the and somewhat create an issue that is to a degree 'abput them' or becoming a factor in them. Some people don't have family, for example, we should not presume they may never be well again with other appropriate support.

Well, trying to understand your last paragraph and so you don't think I'm manipulativly contradicting myself ( whatever that means) I'll just say love and compassion and empathy from friends and family would be ideal when dealing with mental illness as it's more fragile than a fixing a broken leg, for example.

lostinrates

Boots888 wrote: »

Well, trying to understand your last paragraph and so you don't think I'm manipulativly contradicting myself ( whatever that means) I'll just say love and compassion and empathy from friends and family would be ideal when dealing with mental illness as it's more fragile than a fixing a broken leg, for example.

Well, i agree with that, and think it probably is one of the few things that applies universally!

Boots888

So back to the original question.

No! Tough love is a wholly inadequate response to your partner suffering from a mental illness.

Love, love, love - compassion and understanding.

failing that - proffessional help should be sought asap.

Good luck xx

LouLou

I actually think your point, Boots888, that you made about leaning more on professionals might be useful (though everyone's situation is different).

I know that when I'm feeling really ill I feel guilty about hurting or worrying my family/friends unnecessarily..but on the other hand, I'm ashamed of being totally honest, humiliating myself in front of a stranger, ie, a professional. But, that's just me. At a push, if you asked me who I would be more open with, I would say a counsellor.

We have to be mindful of the burdens the OP is carrying right now. She sounds overstressed and frustrated herself, and it's very common for partners/"carers", even, to become depressed themselves.

Love is very important, but it may be trial and error before a suitable solution is found and that may test her patience and resolve. And it's hard to love your partner when resentment is building.

Tough love is for stoic, stiff-upper-lip people..very few of them around, in reality. Most of us suffer and cope in a myriad of ways.

andygb

Boots888 wrote: »

That's harsh too andygb.

OP has come across her husbands behaviour and posted for help.

I thinks she understands now the extent of the problem and the probable cause.

Thanks, mainly, to those that have shared their experiences with her.

A good result all round!! and such a change from the norm.:o

I hope that the OP does start to take her OH seriously, and more importantly take his illness seriously, because the vast majority of people who have never suffered from depression themselves, seem to think that a GP "ticket" for it is akin to giving someone a free holiday for nothing.
I suffered from depression really badly around ten years ago, and unknown to me, it was caused by a serious medical condition I had.
The reaction to me from friends (who did not believe in depression) was that I was faking it (thus ensuring that I did not mix with them again), my wife - stop lazing around and snap out of it, my father - "nobody had depression in my day, we just got on with it!".
When you have depression you do things which you would not normally do and vice versa.
I ate too much
I stayed in the house, watching TV or surfing the net, not really enjoying any of it.
I would go out for long walks on my own, but not really enjoy them, and sometimes turned back home after only minutes.
I felt physically and mentally drained, as if everything was too much effort, and I found it difficult to start jobs and nigh on impossible to finish them.
I didn't want to mix with other people, because I felt "sad" all the time, and I constantly used to imagine things happening to me or my wife.
It must be frustrating for the parther of someone who has depression, but given the gravity of the illness, and the information available, it is pretty easy for people to educate themselves about these things.
I tend to think that many people are too wrapped up in themselves to care about someone else who may impact negatively on their life.
I do hope that the OP finds out more, and acts more sympathetically towards her OH, because the consequences of "tough love" could be far worse than the depression itself.

Judith_W

My OH suffers from depression. I can vouch for being constantly bone tired when going through a rough patch. I also know that some tablets can make you feel a bit like a zombie so just staring watching TV or playing computer games which you can do almost on autopilot is something he could do, but the thought of doing the washing up was intimidating.

One thing I must say though, is that my OH has had it for 10 years nearly and he has worked hard to be able to put in coping mechanisms, so that jobs do get done.

E.g. when he first had it he would sometimes struggle to get out of bed, even having a shower wouldn't be easy to get through, but now he can even go to work and have a busy day with meetings etc coping with the same level of depression.

Flearoy

Depression is one of those conditions where the symptoms it causes tend to make the condition worse. I've had it for years, and will no doubt have a tendency toward it for the rest of my life. I think it might be a good idea for the OP to continue to try to support her OH as she has indicated she wants to, but to try to avoid enabling the idleness which will only make her OH worse, and make her resentful. Don't clear up after him, and make it clear that certain tasks (like walking the dog) need to be done by him - it's only fair in showing willing if the OP is doing everything else. Best of luck.