Is "tough love" acceptable for depression - slight rant (sorry)

Hootie19

I am trying desperately hard to maintain a calm approach towards my husband, who is being treated (pending blood test results) with Fluoxetine, for depression/stress.

He his now on Week 3 of being off work (the first was annual leave, the last two weeks and the forthcoming week will be sick), and he is driving me absolutely potty.

I understand that he's not well, and I understand that there would be some side effects until the meds start to kick in, but seriously, literally all he does is sleep and slump on the sofa watching tv.

He claims that he "can't do" anything, that he has no energy etc. He also claims that he has no appetite, but has not rejected, nor failed to finish every morsel of food that has been put in front of him.

He got up this morning at about 9.30. I was watching something that had been recorded on Sky+ that I'd not seen, but that he had. He sat and watched that, and since then has just watched mindless rubbish.

I am seriously at the end of my tether with this. I have more than enough other problems to contend with (not the least of which is the financial mess he has got us into), and I do believe that he has taken the diagnosis as a carte blanche to indulge himself in his favourite pastimes - sleeping, eating and watching tv/playing nonsense games on the computer.

I have just literally thrown him out of the door with the dog - he "can't" even manage to walk her round the block during the day when I am at work, apparently. I believe that a bit of fresh air and exercise will do him good. But omg, the face on him when I told him he needed to get out!

I know I sound unsympathetic and hard hearted, but there really is a limit to how much I can take on my shoulders and still remain upright.

This all stems from problems he had at work almost a year ago, and I can't see an end to that. I have health problems of my own to worry about, and sleep??? Well, I could myself lucky to get 3 hours a night. So I am very jealous of him being able to go to bed and sleep like he hasn't a care in the world. Then get up, watch tv for as long as he likes and sleep again during the day if he feels like it.

And then have me come home from work, start cooking and clearing up after him, and generally being his nursemaid.

So - was I right to chuck him out with the dog, or should I be leaving him until he feels well enough himself to do things? I would say though, that he is by nature a lazy person. If he can find a way to avoid doing something he doesn't want to do, he will snatch it. So his current behaviour is only an extension of the "normal" him - just with a diagnosis and a fit note to back it up.


It's great that the doctor has taken his symptoms seriously and is treating him - but does anyone ever give a thought to the family who live with depressives? No one has told me how to behave around him, or what kind of behaviours to expect.

DylanO

Throw him out. Depression is a luxury few can afford.

londonsurrey

Why are you cooking for him?

Hootie19

Ok, well thank you for your input., DylanO

But our wedding vows included "in sickness and in health", and as I took them seriously when I married him, I'm hardly likely to throw him out when he's ill.

Your reply also shows how little you understand depression. I don't know very much myself, but I DO know it's not a luxury, nor is it something that a person chooses for themselves.


londonsurrey - he can't cook at the best of times. And I need to eat myself at night, so to make something for him doesn't add any more to my workload in the kitchen.

McKneff

Until you actually understand depression you will always be impatient with him.

Read about it, its not just about feeling tired and being lazy.

That goes for you too DylanO.:mad:

CRANKY40

As someone who has suffered from depression on and off for the last 15 years I would say walking the dog is fine. Exercise is good for you...it makes you feel better. You're not asking him to do all the stressful stuff like financial things....just asking him to clip the lead on the dog and move for a small while.

I am a widowed parent of a 7 year old. Even on my worst days I have to feed my son and look after him. I may need medication to achieve this sometimes, and I may sometimes have to apologise to the little person for being grumpy without cause, but all the necessary things get done.

londonsurrey

I've suffered from severe depression for many years. Yes, it can be very debilitating.

However, he can't have it both ways. As you pointed out, if his appetite is fine, then there's no good reason why all the "useful" things he can do are all non-starters.

What did he normally do about the house before the depression?

gingin_2

I would feel the same as you. I don't know whether that would make it right but it would have the same effect on me, as you.

I would wite him lists of things you would like him to do as a last resort. You can't hold everything together forever.

My father in law was treated for depression 25 years ago and has used it as an excuse to live in a fantasy land of self indulgence ever since. He could quite easily work now and for the 14 years that I have known him. My mother in law has had to pick up the pieces and went from housewife to main wage earner to save the house and still has to work full time at 70. He's been on anti d's for 25 years so they've definitely had time to kick in!

Just to add that I don't believe my fil's case is the same for everyone with depression! He's definitely unique in more than one way

Nicki

3 weeks is a very short time to recover from depression, and anti depressants don't usually start to work until you have been taking them for at least 6 weeks.

Only your husband truly knows whether he is too ill to do more than he currently is, or whether he is milking things. I will say that when I had extremely bad post natal depression, I was completely incapable of doing anything - even answering the telephone would trigger an enormous panic attack, and walking a dog if we had had one would have been completely out of the question, both because I was physically exhausted but more importantly because I was not well enough to have any interaction with anyone other than my immediate family and my doctor, and just the fear that I would bump into a neighbour or even be greeted by a complete stranger would have been too much to cope with.

I am not a lazy or an anti social person by nature but that is what the illness made me when I was suffering from it, and it affects different people in different ways. I personally wouldn't second guess anyone else's account of depression because if you get it wrong and tip them over the borderline between severely depressed and suicidal then that's something you have to live with for the rest of your life. However if you also have health issues and need help that is something which you should address separately, either with your GP or with close friends or family members who could perhaps support you until your OH recovers.

lilymay1

To be brutally honest with you, it sounds as though your husband is wallowing a little bit. I don't envy your situation, particularly if he is lazy by nature. Yes, depression can be incredibly hard to deal with, but from what you have said it sounds like your husband is using it as an excuse to be idle.

I know a little about Fluoxetine as I took it after my daughter's death. My situation, and reasons for taking it, were different but I don't recall suffering from side effects and managed to come off the drugs relatively quickly. I am also a very proactive person and sitting in front of the TV for hours is my idea of hell so perhaps that helped.

Hootie19

londonsurrey wrote: »

What did he normally do about the house before the depression?

Very little, if truth be told.

He'd load, unload the dishwasher sometimes.

Put some washing in the machine, but when it came to emptying it, he'd just dump everything in a laundry basket and leave it. Sometimes, very occasionally, he'd have a go at putting it onto the radiators, or the heated drying rack, to dry, but more often than not, he'd leave it in the basket. (Which suited me, actually, because the clothes were so creased up by the time they'd dried, as he'd not smoothed anything about before putting it out, that they were unwearable. - - I don't "do" ironing! I gave up when I was fed up finding piles of neatly ironed clothes just dumped on the floors of wardrobes. I then said if anyone wanted anything ironed, they were free to do their own. To my knowledge, only my youngest son has ever used the iron!)

He'd take the rubbish out, and put the bins out each week.

But that's about it. The rest was/is down to me.

I asked him once to clean the windows. Turns out, our house only has one window, because in response to my request he only did the one next to his computer desk.

He is very very good at DIY. When he can be bothered. Which isn't often. Our kitchen and bathroom still aren't finished after 10 years, and he still hasn't completed (although he has started) sealing the bottom of the new skirting boards in the lounge which were installed (by him) in January of last year.

If I really nagged him, he would cut the grass. We don't have a garden as such - just a big patch of grass with two apple trees, so no gardening involved. But if he did the grass he would either do the front, or the back. Never both. claimed it took too long. But I used to be able to come home at lunch time, get the back grass cut and everything put away again, and get back to work, all in my lunch hour, which shows that it's not that much work involved!