Is "tough love" acceptable for depression - slight rant (sorry)

DylanO

Hootie19 wrote: »

Ok, well thank you for your input., DylanO

But our wedding vows included "in sickness and in health", and as I took them seriously when I married him, I'm hardly likely to throw him out when he's ill.

Your reply also shows how little you understand depression. I don't know very much myself, but I DO know it's not a luxury, nor is it something that a person chooses for themselves.

londonsurrey - he can't cook at the best of times. And I need to eat myself at night, so to make something for him doesn't add any more to my workload in the kitchen.

It is a luxury - or do you think people in far worse circumstances than your husband (think of those in rural India and Africa) give in to 'depression'? Do they do nothing when they're 'ill' or do they pull themselves together and go and fetch the water/earn enough to eat etc? If they don't then they die.

The human mind is so powerful - it doesn't just give up because of a tiny bit of stress unless it knows that it can. The survival instinct is too strong for that to happen. While you're providing your husband with no motivation to get better, he won't.

DylanO

Hootie19 wrote: »

Very little, if truth be told.

He'd load, unload the dishwasher sometimes.

Put some washing in the machine, but when it came to emptying it, he'd just dump everything in a laundry basket and leave it. Sometimes, very occasionally, he'd have a go at putting it onto the radiators, or the heated drying rack, to dry, but more often than not, he'd leave it in the basket. (Which suited me, actually, because the clothes were so creased up by the time they'd dried, as he'd not smoothed anything about before putting it out, that they were unwearable. - - I don't "do" ironing! I gave up when I was fed up finding piles of neatly ironed clothes just dumped on the floors of wardrobes. I then said if anyone wanted anything ironed, they were free to do their own. To my knowledge, only my youngest son has ever used the iron!)

He'd take the rubbish out, and put the bins out each week.

But that's about it. The rest was/is down to me.

I asked him once to clean the windows. Turns out, our house only has one window, because in response to my request he only did the one next to his computer desk.

He is very very good at DIY. When he can be bothered. Which isn't often. Our kitchen and bathroom still aren't finished after 10 years, and he still hasn't completed (although he has started) sealing the bottom of the new skirting boards in the lounge which were installed (by him) in January of last year.

If I really nagged him, he would cut the grass. We don't have a garden as such - just a big patch of grass with two apple trees, so no gardening involved. But if he did the grass he would either do the front, or the back. Never both. claimed it took too long. But I used to be able to come home at lunch time, get the back grass cut and everything put away again, and get back to work, all in my lunch hour, which shows that it's not that much work involved!

The above just shows to me that he isn't actually depressed - he's just lazy and taking advantage.

If you're happy being treated like that and wasting your life then go ahead, if not make him well aware that it ends today.

Hootie19

Nicki wrote: »

3 weeks is a very short time to recover from depression, and anti depressants don't usually start to work until you have been taking them for at least 6 weeks.

Only your husband truly knows whether he is too ill to do more than he currently is, or whether he is milking things. I will say that when I had extremely bad post natal depression, I was completely incapable of doing anything - even answering the telephone would trigger an enormous panic attack, and walking a dog if we had had one would have been completely out of the question, both because I was physically exhausted but more importantly because I was not well enough to have any interaction with anyone other than my immediate family and my doctor, and just the fear that I would bump into a neighbour or even be greeted by a complete stranger would have been too much to cope with.

I am not a lazy or an anti social person by nature but that is what the illness made me when I was suffering from it, and it affects different people in different ways. I personally wouldn't second guess anyone else's account of depression because if you get it wrong and tip them over the borderline between severely depressed and suicidal then that's something you have to live with for the rest of your life. However if you also have health issues and need help that is something which you should address separately, either with your GP or with close friends or family members who could perhaps support you until your OH recovers.

Thank you for this. It is very helpful to get an account of how it feels from someone who has actually been through it. Thankfully I haven't, so I am well aware that I could be being unnecessarily impatient with him.

I wouldn't expect him to recover from this in three weeks. I am aware that we are likely to be in for a long term recovery, but he did say that the doctor told him he would feel quite rough for a couple of weeks, until the meds started to get properly into his system, and then he would start to feel better. I just hope this does happen soon.

londonsurrey

Well, to be fair to him, it sounds like he's an unmotivated so-and-so anyhow, at least as far as the housework goes. So if you couldn't really get him to do much before the depression, it seems a tad ambitious to expect much or in fact anything now!

Depression or not, I think you'll have to take a good hard look as to whether you're happy to put up with him sans depression. Fighting to get the dog walked and the dishes washed for this week or the next six months are almost distractions from the big question.

Hootie19

DylanO wrote: »

The above just shows to me that he isn't actually depressed - he's just lazy and taking advantage.

If you're happy being treated like that and wasting your life then go ahead, if not make him well aware that it ends today.

Really? I accept that he is by nature a "don't do any more than absolutely necessary" person, but are you really telling me that he's sly enough to fool our GP into a diagnosis of stress/depression, but that you, a complete stranger to him, can see through it, and decide that he's just indulging in a luxury?

Hootie19

londonsurrey wrote: »

Well, to be fair to him, it sounds like he's an unmotivated so-and-so anyhow, at least as far as the housework goes. So if you couldn't really get him to do much before the depression, it seems a tad ambitious to expect much or in fact anything now!

Depression or not, I think you'll have to take a good hard look as to whether you're happy to put up with him sans depression. Fighting to get the dog walked and the dishes washed for this week or the next six months are almost distractions from the big question.

Well there's scope for a whole other thread on that topic! We've been married 26 years now, and with hindsight, we should have parted company years ago. But as he's not a bad person as such (doesn't drink, doesn't gamble, has never hit me or the kids), albeit a bit of a lazy so-and-so, and I've no inclination to be with anyone else, plus the financial implications, sometimes it's just "better the devil you know . . ."

DreamerV

I suffer from moderate-severe depression on and off. When well, I do all I can to maintain wellness as I live in fear of getting depressed again. When depressed, I do tend to lie in bed more (with disrupted sleep), and avoid the world as much as possible. When depressed, I get no joy out of anything. I let the letters build up, and bills pile up. I spend in a way I wouldn't if well. I also have a lot of insight into the illness because of a medical background perhaps, and do try to get out of it (the depression). From what I've heard, I'm a rare case, and the medical teams consider me high functioning even when suffering from an acute episode of chronic depression. That is probably because I do (usually) maintain a high quality of work, and keep up a facade on the outside (while crumbling on the inside). What I'm trying to say is, I'm relatively lucky when it comes to this illness (although have been in a and e several times) yet even I languish in bed, or indoors with the curtains closed and the house in a mess as I can't face it (I face only the necessities, like working to bring money in or maintain grades - that may be cultural). I can't imagine how your husband may be feeling but at a guess he won't know how to deal with not getting enjoyment out of anything. At a guess, he'll be going to bed, sleeping a lot, but not feeling rested. He'll feel "flat" and not really know what to do about it, and he won't see the point in doing anything about it because he doesn't think it will help. He may feel like a burden on you but he wouldn't have the "spark" left in him to change the situation. I don't think anyone who has not been through depression (if not their own, then a close relation) can fully understand how awful it is.

What helped me, was my father taking time to sit with me even when I spent all my free time with tears rolling down my cheeks. When I saw tears in his eyes, I knew he cared and was there for me. He dragged me out for walks even though it was a hideous winter and was minus degrees outside and I was usually terrified of slipping on the pavements. I didn't have the energy for it, but looking back I think the walks he dragged me on (about 20 minutes to 30 minutes - even though I only ever agreed to go out for 5 to 10 minutes) were pivotal. I would suggest maybe going for a daily walk with him for 15 to 20 minutes, showing him you are there with him. You may not feel you have the time for this, but if this was to hasten an improvement, you may end up better off in the long run.

Please try and be patient with him. Nobody wants to be depressed. If someone could promise me (truthfully) that I would never get depressed again if I pay them £100,000, I would, even if that meant living on peanuts for the rest of my life. Depression is awful, like someone's ripped out your soul, the bit that makes you who you are. With a little support he will hopefully get to be more like his old self. Although once he is, it may be worth talking to him about his contribution about the house etc. This may be 2 or 3 months down the line though.

gingin_2

I do agree with some of Dylan's sentiments, Hootie. You seem to be being very defensive of your husband in response to his posts but have indicated that he is perhaps stretching the truth in terms of some of his symptoms ( e.g appetite) and having seen a similar type of selfish "depressive" in my FIL it could be a possibility that he is milking it.

That might not be the case at all but it's not an impossibility.

I think you need to give your husband time but also make it clear that you expect him to get as much help as he can to get him on the road to wellness.

skylight

My ex suffers from depression and I had to put up with it for years.

In the end, I snapped. It's OK with everyone feeling sorry for him but what about me? I had to deal with everything, the house, finances, kids, problems etc for a very, very long time. I was ridiculed (mainly by his family) for deserting him when he needed me the most, but the kids needed out. It was not fair on them, they didn't ask for it and everything suffered because of it.

3 years later, the kids are great, happy children. I am happier (still single) and he is still wallowing in self pity, blaming others for his predicament. Nothing would have changed with him had I stayed with him, although I would have had depressed kids on my hands by now.

picnmix

DylanO wrote: »

It is a luxury - or do you think people in far worse circumstances than your husband (think of those in rural India and Africa) give in to 'depression'? Do they do nothing when they're 'ill' or do they pull themselves together and go and fetch the water/earn enough to eat etc? If they don't then they die.

The human mind is so powerful - it doesn't just give up because of a tiny bit of stress unless it knows that it can. The survival instinct is too strong for that to happen. While you're providing your husband with no motivation to get better, he won't.

Are you actually being serious?

Do you honestly think that depression doesn't exist in developing countries?

In answer to your question - yes people in developing countries do suffer and "give in" to depression, mostly unreported mainly because of the taboo associated with mental illness within their culture and the lack of resources/practioners to diagnose and treat the illness, mainly the symptoms of depression in these countries eventually present themselves in a physical form, and when/if diagnoses is made treatment cannot be given due to a lack of drugs/resources available.

Many people go through awful situations, and do not suffer with any depression, and some do. Depression is an illness, which can affect anyone at any time.

We cannot diagnose the OP's DH on this thread or tell her what she should do, I would imagine she just needed a good old rant and a bit of support.