Is "tough love" acceptable for depression - slight rant (sorry)

raven83

McKneff wrote: »

Until you actually understand depression you will always be impatient with him.

Read about it, its not just about feeling tired and being lazy.

That goes for you too DylanO.:mad:

Totally agree with the above, you sound as if you have zero understanding on how depression affects you, i am so glad i don't have a partner like that.

LouLou

I agree..DreamerV and lobbyludd's posts are excellent, they brought tears to my eyes (of recognition..how many people can you share those experiences and thoughts with, out loud?).

At my worst I can literally go into a "black hole" and disappear off the face of the earth, imprisoned by the thoughts in my head. Sounds melodramatic but it's as though the negative voices take hold and I can't think logically..not insanity, just irrational and impossible for me to rein in. I don't eat, don't look after myself, and my main impulse is, I Want To Die. I call myself a Dead Woman Walking (I know, not nice). My head is full of many reasons why it's the best option.

I'm too self-conscious to go outside as I know I'll panic. I've ran out of food on numerous occasions because I can't handle stepping out the door. Home isn't even a safe haven because I panic terribly trying to fall asleep..I've spent months on the sofa trying to feel calm at bedtime and failing. Having the TV on is "company" on the long nights but it doesn't really soothe me.

It affects my short-term memory: I can abandon things I've been doing because my head won't shut up, either because I can't concentrate or I just plain forget (half-finished DIY jobs, even silly things like preparing food, reading, answering a letter).

No doubt there are people who fake depression for an easy ride (if it's for state benefits I wouldn't call it that) but when you've suffered real, genuine *distress* it's the emotional equivalent of being in physical agony. I know that I'll have another "episode" again, and in some ways I wish I had a loving partner to help out..but then, would I find another person's demands too stressful? Would I feel guilty that they were lumbered with me? Who knows. Being lonely doesn't help, that's for sure.

The link to Depression Fallout looks interesting..I'll bookmark that and have a read of that later.

I had a doctor ask me, how often do you have these episodes/how long do they last? But if I knew that, at least I'd be able to prepare myself for them..I have no ruddy idea!

LouLou

Regarding your husband..it does sound as though he has a tendency to avoid housework/boring chores regardless of his mood (and I hate housework myself so I can relate to that..you're either a tidy, methodical, organised person or you're not).

How to encourage him to contribute, I'm not sure, but you do have your own responsibilities that you upkeep as part of being a couple, he should have his.

He, at least, should try to do *something*. A huge list is a bit daunting and in at the deep end for a depressed person, but maybe slowly but surely is the way to go. Tidying/DIY is boring but getting a job done is a nice feeling.

It sounds cheesy but praising him for helping and finishing tasks might help (it does for me, my mum says "Good Girl" to me sometimes when I help with housework, which is a bit pathetic, but it reminds me of being a kid and pleasing my mum!).

If he just can't face chores, encouraging him to go out, even for short periods of time, being amongst others who are understanding, any sort of positive distraction that takes him out of the negative "loop" he no doubt has in his head will help immensely.

If he can't handle being around others, even a walk together, or on his own, even round the block, is a start. He needs to break the cycle of ruminating for hours on end..it's hard to do because hours and days can disappear when your head's in that place.

I hope he improves soon, and you find a way to support one another that works for you both.

lostinrates

raven83 wrote: »

Totally agree with the above, you sound as if you have zero understanding on how depression affects you, i am so glad i don't have a partner like that.

I think this and the similar replies are very harsh. Op has already said she is wanting to support him, and has also accepted from what i can see that she doesn't know where to draw a line and has asked for advice.

One could just as easily say to some one suffering depression 'you have no idea what its like to be the person not suffering but a carer for someone with depression' or ' i am so glad my partner doesn't suffer with depression like you, i couldn't live with you'.

I find it easy from my position to empathise with op. being close to someone with depression sometimes the lines between profound and genuine dispondance and just milking it do get blurred..thats not evil, its somewhat human nature. But being emotionally abandoned while also being emotionally and practically leant upon can also be a difficult place to be.

Hootie19

raven83 wrote: »

Totally agree with the above, you sound as if you have zero understanding on how depression affects you, i am so glad i don't have a partner like that.

You're right. I don't. Which is why I came here asking for advice.

How else am I supposed to learn about this ilness, other than by asking others who have been through it, either as the person with the illness or as a partner of someone who has it?

Thankfully, most of the people who have responded have done so in response to my OP and subsequent posts - ASKING for opinions - and have been extremely helpful. I am very grateful to them.

bundance

Don't be too hard on yourself, you weren't to know, and it's not helpful that society treat depression sufferers as malingerers.

Being a more reactive than a pro-active person, says something about his motivation.
Maybe his depression means he has not got the self motivation to see things that need doing, and maybe he only deals with them if there is a problem.
Maybe he doesn't finish jobs because his depression means he loses interest in them.

I try to give myself things to do, but even little things like going to the supermarket for a pint of milk can seem like a mammoth task in depression, everything seems overwhelming.

Good luck with the GP. Don't be fobbed off with medication, ask about non drug treatment first and give this a try.

Corelli

Thank you Hootie19 for starting this thread. There has been some wonderful sharing about depression that I have found so helpful. My OH has been depressed for years and found it very hard to get a diagnosis being quite articulate when he is well, he had anti depressants that did not help at all. He became alchoholic and addicted to all sorts on and off - eventually after 30 odd years he has been diagnosed as bi-polar. Something that I suspected a LONG time ago but had the idea rejected by all professionals I put it too. People with bi-polar disorder do tend to 'self medicate' to blot out the pain. Now he has had counselling and appropriate medication he is a lot better and doesn't touch alchohol. The co-codamol are still a problem though.

I found living with him so hard, we've split a couple of times and I sunk down into depression myself. Now my son who as Asperger's syndrome is pretty bad with depression too and yesterday I collapsed into tearful 'non coping' mode myself. We do get professional support, he's on Prozac that seems to help, we see his psychiatrist regularly and there is an appointment with a psycholgist secheduled for next week so I am hoping he will talk to her.

After reading through this thread I have been able to perceive that I have had mild depression myself for a few years and to feel less harsh on my son. Ye gods and little fishes, it can take 3-4 hours sometimes to get him out of bed, let alone to do anything, with me dropping into his room (up and downstairs all the time) every 5 to 10 minutes with requests to get up. I have to keep it quite low key as if he picks up on my annoyance and frustration he will have a melt down and we get nowere. It is exhausting and I really feel I can't cope with him anymore. He was in hospital for all this for 10 months and I can see him going back. Sorry, I was waffling .......

Hootie19, I hope you get the support you need as the partner of a depressed person, its hell and so easy to end up in the same place emotionally.

raven83

LouLou wrote: »

I agree..DreamerV and lobbyludd's posts are excellent, they brought tears to my eyes (of recognition..how many people can you share those experiences and thoughts with, out loud?).

At my worst I can literally go into a "black hole" and disappear off the face of the earth, imprisoned by the thoughts in my head. Sounds melodramatic but it's as though the negative voices take hold and I can't think logically..not insanity, just irrational and impossible for me to rein in. I don't eat, don't look after myself, and my main impulse is, I Want To Die. I call myself a Dead Woman Walking (I know, not nice). My head is full of many reasons why it's the best option.

I'm too self-conscious to go outside as I know I'll panic. I've ran out of food on numerous occasions because I can't handle stepping out the door. Home isn't even a safe haven because I panic terribly trying to fall asleep..I've spent months on the sofa trying to feel calm at bedtime and failing. Having the TV on is "company" on the long nights but it doesn't really soothe me.

It affects my short-term memory: I can abandon things I've been doing because my head won't shut up, either because I can't concentrate or I just plain forget (half-finished DIY jobs, even silly things like preparing food, reading, answering a letter).

No doubt there are people who fake depression for an easy ride (if it's for state benefits I wouldn't call it that) but when you've suffered real, genuine *distress* it's the emotional equivalent of being in physical agony. I know that I'll have another "episode" again, and in some ways I wish I had a loving partner to help out..but then, would I find another person's demands too stressful? Would I feel guilty that they were lumbered with me? Who knows. Being lonely doesn't help, that's for sure.

The link to Depression Fallout looks interesting..I'll bookmark that and have a read of that later.

I had a doctor ask me, how often do you have these episodes/how long do they last? But if I knew that, at least I'd be able to prepare myself for them..I have no ruddy idea!

This is so true, well for me anyway, it can be so deliberating even the simplest of tasks can be impossible to do the amount of times in the past i have literally just lay on the sofa unable to do anything and my mind just can't seem to focus on anything, just a blur. I also used to get frustrated when people would just turn round and say, you should be doing this you should do that, when i literally couldn't! It is very misunderstood depression along with most other mental health problems, saying that more people seem to be coming out of the woodwork that have mental health problems, whether that is due to more people suffering with it or more people feeling that it is more acceptable to come out and talk about it i don't know.

jamespir

hootie my girlfreind has had depression for near on 6 years its not something that just goes away i think you have to have the paticence of a saint though because sometimes it can seem as though its just something they are putting on and is stressful

i know often i felt like just walking away but in reality that wouldnt help her and id feel bad then if anything happened

the tablets will help but they do take time to kick in

lostinrates

raven83 wrote: »

, saying that more people seem to be coming out of the woodwork that have mental health problems, whether that is due to more people suffering with it or more people feeling that it is more acceptable to come out and talk about it i don't know.

i think its probably a mixture of both. For example, in relatively recent history we have got less fit and do less manual work statistically, and if exercise is known combatant to help then this muct have some relation. Plus the increased amounts of 'empty calorie food' when we know we can support our robustness , of all sorts with nutrition. However, these choices may support and help there is no doubt that, rightly, the stigma is dimishing, which can only be good.