Is "tough love" acceptable for depression - slight rant (sorry)

LadyMorticia

It's definitely important that you get support as well as your husband.

Alot of emphasis is placed on supporting the sufferer but family and friends also need support with how to deal with it when a loved one becomes unwell.

I've been mentally ill since I was 11 (although I've had an eating disorder since I was 9) with depression, anxiety, OCD and I also have something called Borderline Personality Disorder.

I was a teenager in care and despite my foster carers supposedly being trained in mental health awareness, they knew !!!!!! all about it and just saw my illnesses as "attention seeking" because I was young. I know it's easy to loose your "rag" but that isn't really beneficial to either party.

There are support groups out there for family and friends of sufferers and you can also get advice from your GP on how to deal with your husband's depression.

Maybe arrange to do something together, even if it's just for half an hour? Walk the dog together or even play a board game. Distraction can be a big help sometimes, especially if he's alone with his own thoughts everyday.

I hope the Fluoxetine kicks in but I will warn you that sometimes it can take two or three trials of different anti-depressents to find the one that will work for him. One that works for someone else, might not work for him and vice versa.

lemontart

do not forget this useful book from Martin

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/cards/mental-health-guide?utm_source=forum&utm_medium=clicks&utm_campaign=resourcebar

ab7

Couple of useful websites for anyone who has depression when they are feeling bit better and will probably benefit those who are carers too. I give these options as they all take a different presentation of the material

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome excellent cognitive behavourial therapy (CBT) site. Uses interactive examples and an online workbook

http://www.llttf.com/index.php CBT written by british doc. Uses slideshows and little worksheets which can help when your brain is mush.

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm mixture of cbt and behavioural therapy with pdf's that you print off and work through. There are a lot of options that may help many from depression, self esteem, panic attacks, bi polar, eating disorders - just scroll down the page to see the options.

Hope this helps someone.

RuthnJasper

Hootie - I am a sufferer of severe depression, now controlled (mostly) after years of treatment and the right balance of medication.

I've not read the whole thread here, because some of the negative posts were a bit much (FYI DylanO - Depression is a real, physical illness, totally different to stress, caused for a large part by the body's inability to produce enough seratonin to the brain. And people in "Third World" countries like Africa DO get it - the difference is that they do not have the treatments available that we are fortunate enough to have - so the sufferers are just left to die).

All I can say is that you sound like you have exactly the right attitude and resources to be able to get through, but you do need to look after yourself. You could try making an appointment with your husband's GP to talk over the matter and s/he might be able to point you towards some support that's relevant to you. Lots of areas have informal groups for partners/parents of depression sufferers - the Mental Health Charity Mind is a good place to start: http://www.mind.org.uk/.

For myself, I can honestly say that I wouldn't be here today if it hadn't been for my dog. He really helped, pets can be very beneficial to depression sufferers. Try to get him to walk the dog every day - maybe get a little book of local walks so that he and the dog can explore different places together, just the two of them. In the meantime, I'd suggest that you set a rule that the TV/Games console stays OFF between, say, 10.00am and 3.00pm - no exceptions (TV can be addictive!). He could read books or magazines (plenty at the library) instead; they're better for the brain.

Good luck - I wish you all the very best. Keep us posted as to how you are getting on. xxx

ms_london

It's such a tough one - I do think that you need to walk a thousand miles in somebody else's shoes before you can judge them though - I imagine there are people out there who are "faking it", as there are people out there who are faking having a bad back or other illnesses to get out of work. However, you know your husband better than anyone here, so only you can know whether he really is suffering or "faking it" - of course it will be hard for you if you if you are holding everything together, so I do understand it from your side also. However, if your husband was sick at home with a physical injury, broken leg for example, I am sure you wouldn't be making him do all of the housework, walk the dog etc etc, you would be encouraging him to rest? - that's the problem with mental illness, just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there. I do agree though that walking the dog and getting some fresh air would do him good, but I don't think nagging him will help - as another poster has said, he may look like he is just sitting there watching tv, but who knows what is really going on in his head? You do also need support though, it is a tough one....

xx

LouLou

raven83 wrote: »

This is so true, well for me anyway, it can be so deliberating even the simplest of tasks can be impossible to do the amount of times in the past i have literally just lay on the sofa unable to do anything and my mind just can't seem to focus on anything, just a blur. I also used to get frustrated when people would just turn round and say, you should be doing this you should do that, when i literally couldn't! It is very misunderstood depression along with most other mental health problems, saying that more people seem to be coming out of the woodwork that have mental health problems, whether that is due to more people suffering with it or more people feeling that it is more acceptable to come out and talk about it i don't know.

I have panic disorder (onetime raging agoraphobic) along with depression but I think a lot of depressed people react the same way. It's very tempting to isolate so that you're not the "party pooper", and to protect yourself from the world. At times I feel I have complete sensory overload and hiding under a duvet is about the only respite I get.

In the midst of insomnia where I'm staring at a ceiling, for a friend to say "Get out of bed, lazy" makes you feel like you just lounge around, lady of leisure, quite happy to loaf your life away. The reality is, my heads racing, I've not been eating, I feel I'm in agony, and I am so exhausted. Utterly.

I would LOVE to be able to sleep like a normal person. When I'm sleeping badly my moods go really, really off-kilter. If someone had a pill to control the onset of insomnia/depression and live "normally", not crash at the slightest rejection or knock, I would give you my very last penny.

*In a funny way, what brought me out of agoraphobia was the lack of support from others. My friends would grudgingly get me food/supplies for a while, but they had their own lives to live. My family all had their own issues and were embroiled in their stuff. So if I'm having a cr*p day I just go out, night-time, buy a few things, try to avoid queues (self-service checkouts really help a panicky person..a bit), and get right back home again.

I told counsellors I had my first panic attack at 9 years old and they're always really surprised. Eventually it got to this one-time model student bunking off school because I couldn't handle being in an enclosed classroom. Think if it happened these days there might be more support for my studies..I have asked about at-home studying but it all seems to be fees (?).

andygb

McKneff wrote: »

Until you actually understand depression you will always be impatient with him.

Read about it, its not just about feeling tired and being lazy.

That goes for you too DylanO.:mad:

Well said McKneff, it is a pity that some people cannot be bothered (the OP for instance) to read up about the symptoms of depression, and their debilitating effect on the sufferer. I suggest that the OP gains some knowledge about this ILLNESS, and then attempts to rehabilitate her husband, instead of making his condition worse.

tea_lover

andygb wrote: »

Well said McKneff, it is a pity that some people cannot be bothered (the OP for instance) to read up about the symptoms of depression, and their debilitating effect on the sufferer. I suggest that the OP gains some knowledge about this ILLNESS, and then attempts to rehabilitate her husband, instead of making his condition worse.

That's exactly what the OP is doing! Of course she can be bothered, which is why she's started this thread in the first place.

Boots888

andygb wrote: »

Well said McKneff, it is a pity that some people cannot be bothered (the OP for instance) to read up about the symptoms of depression, and their debilitating effect on the sufferer. I suggest that the OP gains some knowledge about this ILLNESS, and then attempts to rehabilitate her husband, instead of making his condition worse.

That's harsh too andygb.

OP has come across her husbands behaviour and posted for help.

I thinks she understands now the extent of the problem and the probable cause.

Thanks, mainly, to those that have shared their experiences with her.

A good result all round!! and such a change from the norm.:o

LouLou

It's very easy for people to think "lazy, self-pitying, morose b&gger" when the reality can be that you can't cope or control your thought processes and emotional reactions.

I sometimes wish I had an Off switch to give me a break! And I've had many people stare at me blankly or say "You look alright to me"...

(I'm not a moaner, by the way, I can put on the smiliest, wackiest face in company....when I'm not hiding and licking my wounds).

The key is finding a way to live with it and still function. Sadly I don't have those answers. Hopefully the OP and her husband can turn a corner and keep life in balance somehow.

PS: Thanks for the links, ab7

PPS: Has anyone tried EFT? All the tapping business sounds like hokum but some rave about it.