Is "tough love" acceptable for depression - slight rant (sorry)

londonsurrey

Hootie19 wrote: »

Well there's scope for a whole other thread on that topic! We've been married 26 years now, and with hindsight, we should have parted company years ago. But as he's not a bad person as such (doesn't drink, doesn't gamble, has never hit me or the kids), albeit a bit of a lazy so-and-so, and I've no inclination to be with anyone else, plus the financial implications, sometimes it's just "better the devil you know . . ."

I can see where you're coming from. Consider this. For over a quarter of a century, you've had to nag him finally get him to maybe condescend to do things, and even then in a half hearted manner.

So now, you're wondering if given his medical condition, if it's ok to carry on nagging him, hopefully to maybe get him to do things in a quarter hearted way (if you're lucky )

TBH if he's been mainly successfully ignoring the nagging for over a quarter of a century, I don't think it's going to make much of a difference to what is actually done or if it will affect his final path to getting better or not! Bottom line is the man's really good at ignoring what needs to be done and what you say to him about it.

DylanO

Hootie19 wrote: »

Really? I accept that he is by nature a "don't do any more than absolutely necessary" person, but are you really telling me that he's sly enough to fool our GP into a diagnosis of stress/depression, but that you, a complete stranger to him, can see through it, and decide that he's just indulging in a luxury?

Please tell me that you're not under the impression that diagnosis of 'stress/depression' aren't given out on demand? They really are.

Have you seen the rates of anti-depressant prescriptions in this country? It involves a minimum amount of slyness on anyone's part in order to get them and in most cases they're thrown at you regardless because it's easier, faster and cheaper to give someone pills than it is to really find out what the problem is.

And yes, I'm a complete stranger to him, but I'm going off your words. Just like I can tell that you don't love him and you're only with him because you fear the financial consequences of being without him. Something which, should he continue to wallow, you'll be facing anyway.

When your husband's 'good points' are that he doesn't hit you, and you refer to him as a 'devil' then it's time to grow a pair and end it.

DylanO

picnmix wrote: »

Are you actually being serious?

Do you honestly think that depression doesn't exist in developing countries?

In answer to your question - yes people in developing countries do suffer and "give in" to depression, mostly unreported mainly because of the taboo associated with mental illness within their culture and the lack of resources/practioners to diagnose and treat the illness, mainly the symptoms of depression in these countries eventually present themselves in a physical form, and when/if diagnoses is made treatment cannot be given due to a lack of drugs/resources available.

Many people go through awful situations, and do not suffer with any depression, and some do. Depression is an illness, which can affect anyone at any time.

We cannot diagnose the OP's DH on this thread or tell her what she should do, I would imagine she just needed a good old rant and a bit of support.

Some do, I completely agree, but they are a minority. Not like in this country where we have millions of people claiming to be 'too depressed to work'. That's clearly bull.

People used to get a grip, but now our society incentivises the lazy to do nothing.

DreamerV

Forgot to mention I took liquid fluoxetine. It didn't agree with me although did make me "flat" in other ways - as in I wasn't down, I was completely numb. After the initial week where it dropped my blood pressure so low that I fainted and hit my head and got taken to A&E. The other effect was it removed my appetite immediately, I just did not want to eat (this was not the depression, that just made me not particularly enjoy eating, but this drug made me not eat unless someone put food in front of me). The other problem I had with fuoxetine was that while it was building up (before making me numb) it gave me violent thoughts, but these gave way after a couple of weeks. I have never had thoughts of hurting anyone in my life except in those 2 weeks on that drug. I read up on it, and I'm not the only one who has had violent thoughts about self or others on fluoxetine. I would never take it again, however if I was already on it, I would perhaps continue as it's a bit easier to come back from numbness than from a complete downer. For your husband it sounds like he has been on it long enough that any bad reaction should have passed really.

System

DylanO wrote: »

Some do, I completely agree, but they are a minority. Not like in this country where we have millions of people claiming to be 'too depressed to work'. That's clearly bull.

People used to get a grip, but now our society incentivises the lazy to do nothing.

God you really know sweet f.a about mental illness :mad:

DreamerV

DylanO wrote: »

Some do, I completely agree, but they are a minority. Not like in this country where we have millions of people claiming to be 'too depressed to work'. That's clearly bull.

People used to get a grip, but now our society incentivises the lazy to do nothing.

I can testify to people in developing countries having depression. They don't tend to train their doctors to deal with it as they are often more pressing health needs (like loss of life from infection, or more visible physical problems). The statistics aren't as reliable there, and people are more ashamed to talk about mental illness, but if you actually talk to people, they start telling you about depression in their family (well they do if you're from a medical family). They show you medication for depression although they don't always realise the drugs are for depression. Most do still go to work, but most do here in this country too. Some don't though. I do think it's easier for people to stay off work here though, because compared to developing countries, we have more generous sick pay and a benefits system. Over in developing countries, there is usually not benefits to fall back on, or a pension to look forward to, so you work yourself into the ground in a way. However, it is a mark of a civilised nation how it treats its sick, and I think when people are ill, they should be allowed to recuperate.

DylanO

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

God you really know sweet f.a about mental illness :mad:

On the contrary, I know quite a bit and I see through all the excuses.

DylanO

DreamerV wrote: »

I can testify to people in developing countries having depression. They don't tend to train their doctors to deal with it as they are often more pressing health needs (like loss of life from infection, or more visible physical problems). The statistics aren't as reliable there, and people are more ashamed to talk about mental illness, but if you actually talk to people, they start telling you about depression in their family (well they do if you're from a medical family). They show you medication for depression although they don't always realise the drugs are for depression. Most do still go to work, but most do here in this country too. Some don't though. I do think it's easier for people to stay off work here though, because compared to developing countries, we have more generous sick pay and a benefits system. Over in developing countries, there is usually not benefits to fall back on, or a pension to look forward to, so you work yourself into the ground in a way. However, it is a mark of a civilised nation how it treats its sick, and I think when people are ill, they should be allowed to recuperate.

Exactly - so they cope. Of course people should be allowed to recuperate, but that's not what happens here. They are financially incentivised to remain 'depressed' - that's disgusting.

You only have to look on this forum, it's full of people 'too depressed to work' who then post about the various things they've done with their lives. I remember one poster bragging about drinking to excess despite knowing that she shouldn't due to her anti-depressants. She was clearly trying to sabotage any attempts to get better because she's lazy and doesn't think she should have to work.

picnmix

DylanO wrote: »

Some do, I completely agree, but they are a minority. Not like in this country where we have millions of people claiming to be 'too depressed to work'. That's clearly bull.

People used to get a grip, but now our society incentivises the lazy to do nothing.

Ah, now this is something very different, stress! This is what a lot of people have the symptoms of and some Dr's will quite happily dish out pills like sweets, but it is a very different illness than depression. It doesn't make it any less real though than depression if someone is suffering true "stress" I have seen this first hand through my job. The same as some people don't work as they have a "bad back" and then there are those that truely do.

I worked for many years in the late 80s early 90s in Africa and even then when depression was not as widely diagnosed/treated in the Western World, we saw many, many people who clearly were suffering with depression. Witch doctors/medicine men used to say they were cursed, similar to how we used to lock people up in asylums at the first sign of any mental illness.

daisy_darling

DylanO wrote: »

Some do, I completely agree, but they are a minority. Not like in this country where we have millions of people claiming to be 'too depressed to work'. That's clearly bull.

People used to get a grip, but now our society incentivises the lazy to do nothing.

I think it's wrong to make sweeping statements like that. There are many people who have worked ridiculously long hours and have paid the price in the form of depression. My hubby has always worked 70 and 80+ hours a week and ten years ago had a nervous breakdown. He was off work 3 months before the antidepressants facilitated his return to work.
He still relies on the medication and i can tell when each ones optimum efficacy has passed then he has to go back to the doc for a new medication.