Family breakdown - never mind just being DH!

pebbles88

I have asked DH to stay over tomorrow night with it being the first night she's away. He's agreed, but has said just that one night & that he's sorry to b selfish/harsh.

pebbles88

I've just texted that as we are going out for late tea that I want him to pick the place, as too much has been about me n mum, and that I just hope we can have a relaxed night n dress up nice. How's that sound dya think?

whitewing

I think it sounds great.

Just keep your expectations low so that you don't make yourself disappointed. You are both exhausted at the moment so if all you do is actually meet up and eat in near silence, anything else is a bonus!

RacyRed

Pebbles, lift your foot off the accelerator a little please Honey, your OH needs a little peace and quiet and it sounds like your mind is jumping all over the place.

Something I do in these situations is put the mobile down and pick up a note pad and pencil instead. Jot everything down and then, after a few hours, read back, see what is really important and text that. Give it a try?

(((hugs)))

JustinCredibleGillespie

Hi pebbles, I can feel your pain, the heartache side of it anyway. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest, I feel there is alot of hope for you and you OH, you need some 'you' time, you just dont realise it yet. I just want to say that I hope it all works out for you. Time will heal all your pain.

Your an angel

Kerry
xx

jetplane

pebbles I think RacyRed is giving you some valued advice, asking your husband to stay over is only going to make it harder the next day when you don't see him at all. He is going to leave again in the morning and if it's one night only then it prevents you from asking him to stay at the weekend, perhaps when your both a bit more relaxed and not at work?

Are you sure that your not hoping that when he comes round he decides he has missed you and wants to stay? Perfectly understandable but have you thought of how you may react when he leaves and if you appear to be too needy you might scare him off even more?

What about keeping your first meeting on neutral ground? There is a possibility of your husband having a panic attack when he comes back into the house to stay over and that would be dreadful.

Im so sorry I'm not trying to scare you but maybe you will need to console yourself with the fact that he is behaving like this because he is unwell and the fact that he is agreeing to all of your requests is because he loves you so much.

Maybe re-read RacyReds post , slow down and write things down.

pebbles88

I know you aren't trying to scare me, and yes, I prob am hoping he will stay. I have even just got a couple of treats in for him.

I was thinking that if he stayed over, and felt more relaxed in house he might realise I'm trying to make changes for us. I hadn't thought of how he might react. I was just so happy that he'd come over. I just don't know what to do. Even my hairdresser has just said that perhaps he feels needd n not wanted by me?

nanto3girls

I don't have anything to add,to all the words of wisdom you have been given. Just that i hope things work out for you and hubby.XX

pebbles88

They've just done the assessment for the care home, despite it being urgent I don't think they could've been more awkward. I have no way of getting her big stuff, oxygen concentrator, mattress pad etc down there, thank god the social worker is helping. Just want to scream, already crying.

Wickedkitten

pebbles88 wrote: »

I know you aren't trying to scare me, and yes, I prob am hoping he will stay. I have even just got a couple of treats in for him.

I was thinking that if he stayed over, and felt more relaxed in house he might realise I'm trying to make changes for us. I hadn't thought of how he might react. I was just so happy that he'd come over. I just don't know what to do. Even my hairdresser has just said that perhaps he feels needd n not wanted by me?

Not meaning to sound harsh, but going by what you have said in the thread, if anything I think he might feel like you need for him to be stronger than he feels like he is able to be now, so is taking himself out of that environment so he can focus on his own mental health.

Not saying that you are in any way at fault because you are dealing with your mother with the best of intentions, but him saying that being away from the house has enabled him to actually get a restful sleep and then going on to say that he's only coming for the one night and then apologising for being selfish makes it seem like its the environment that is the issue for him.

For your own sake though, I would suggest trying to make some changes long term so you don't end up falling back into the same patterns that you were in, you might not believe it, but you are a lot stronger than you think you are and if your husband sees that you are finding the strength to cope, that might take a lot of pressure off him.