Family breakdown - never mind just being DH!

pebbles88

He's going into a house share wk on sat, did say it was casual basis, months notice to quit. I feel really scared now as it feels permanent. Said he didn't feel comfy leaning on his friends and this way is.closer to work n gets more privacy. :'-( I suppose that's him looking at it practically, but to me it feels like its him determined not to consider trying to fix us at all.

CH27

Peebles there is a thread on this board by a lady called Too Sad. It's called Husband gone, What now?
It's a long read & very sad at times but I think you would benefit by reading it.
I'll look for it & bump it up for you as I can't do links.

jetplane

Maybe he needs to fix himself first

pebbles88

CH27 wrote: »

Peebles there is a thread on this board by a lady called Too Sad. It's called Husband gone, What now?
It's a long read & very sad at times but I think you would benefit by reading it.
I'll look for it & bump it up for you as I can't do links.

found it, read a few pages already, wish i could feel as strong as her. perhaps once mum is in respite it will give me time to look at myself more. I used to feel amazing, used to be pretty, but feel like i have aged so much over the last few months with mum & everything, and TBH, worrying over him, always asking if we were ok etc. Perhaps I need to get my groove back & bloody well show him what he is missing!

Yorkie1

pebbles88 wrote: »

He's going into a house share wk on sat, did say it was casual basis, months notice to quit. I feel really scared now as it feels permanent. Said he didn't feel comfy leaning on his friends and this way is.closer to work n gets more privacy. :'-( I suppose that's him looking at it practically, but to me it feels like its him determined not to consider trying to fix us at all.

Pebbles I can't imagine how awful it is feeling for you at the moment, but both you and your husband are in crisis at the moment. We all have different thresholds for pressure, different ways of reacting, and different ways of coping / getting ourselves strong again.

From what you've written, it seems clear that your husband's resources to cope with this situation have completely run out. His only way of hoping to get himself better - and thus to be in any position to support you again - is to remove himself from the situation on a temporary basis. That is what he's telling you and as an outsider I see no reason to doubt him. He is trying to reassure you as much about the future as it is within his current capacity to do.

I can imagine that this is really difficult for you because your way of coping may be to rely on him to fix things, but if he literally doesn't have the ability to do that at the moment, then he can't do it. It isn't so much a question of being determined not to even consider fixing things, it's a question of not being well enough to face thinking about it.

The image I have is of you desperately reaching out to grab him back in, and him feeling dragged under by his inability to respond in the way you need.

Please don't feel as though I'm criticising you in any way, because I really am not, and I think you're doing marvellously in the situation; I just wanted to put an alternative interpretation on what might be going on from your OH's point of view.

Good luck and I hope that you do both enjoy tonight.

pebbles88

well i have read some of that thread, and ended up skipping to the last page. I'm heartbroken it didnt work out despite all the effort that was put in. But, being rational, that was their journey & situation. Not mine & my DH.

i'm angry though at him running again, when he should have just spoke to me, or took himself away for a drive, then came home to talk to me, rather than refuse to discuss anything.

perhaps its good that the anger is coming out now, might make me bit more ballsy for tonight.

think once mum is in respite, will get her settled in, come home for a snooze, then prettify myself as much as i can. not being able to eat since Sunday which only ended up as a roast beef bun, has at least lifted a few pounds, thats always good news.

Like Toosad, I do feel like my life is over at 32, im scared no one will ever want me again because of my scars all over the tummy from my emergency surgery few years ago. ive lost my best friend, my love, my soul mate, im so so broken. because of my surgery, we were told if we were to try for kids, it woul dhave to be quickly as I will no doubt need help. Now i am scared that I will never have a family. But it hurts more as I know how much of a good father DH will be, and now i wont seeit.

gotta go, need to get things ready for respite. I also need to ring work, just to keep in touch. I'll admit, i cant face going in on monday. the questions will kill me.

pebbles88

Yorkie1 wrote: »

Pebbles I can't imagine how awful it is feeling for you at the moment, but both you and your husband are in crisis at the moment. We all have different thresholds for pressure, different ways of reacting, and different ways of coping / getting ourselves strong again.

From what you've written, it seems clear that your husband's resources to cope with this situation have completely run out. His only way of hoping to get himself better - and thus to be in any position to support you again - is to remove himself from the situation on a temporary basis. That is what he's telling you and as an outsider I see no reason to doubt him. He is trying to reassure you as much about the future as it is within his current capacity to do.

I can imagine that this is really difficult for you because your way of coping may be to rely on him to fix things, but if he literally doesn't have the ability to do that at the moment, then he can't do it. It isn't so much a question of being determined not to even consider fixing things, it's a question of not being well enough to face thinking about it.

The image I have is of you desperately reaching out to grab him back in, and him feeling dragged under by his inability to respond in the way you need.

Please don't feel as though I'm criticising you in any way, because I really am not, and I think you're doing marvellously in the situation; I just wanted to put an alternative interpretation on what might be going on from your OH's point of view.

Good luck and I hope that you do both enjoy tonight.

thank you. i know you arent criticising, and tbh, your prob spot on with that vision of me. I'm just so so grateful for all your advice that everyone has taken time to post. thanks again. x

dorisday

pebbles88 wrote: »

found it, read a few pages already, wish i could feel as strong as her. perhaps once mum is in respite it will give me time to look at myself more. I used to feel amazing, used to be pretty, but feel like i have aged so much over the last few months with mum & everything, and TBH, worrying over him, always asking if we were ok etc. Perhaps I need to get my groove back & bloody well show him what he is missing!

Yes this is exactly what you want to do.if im honest I would feel let down by him ok I know hes said hes depressed but from my great deal of experience with people with depression they dont function well and dont want to do things must say he quickly lost the not sleeping bit and the chest pains when he went to his mothers. But those are my gut instincts and im not his wife and of course I dont know him so im only seeing what you have written.
carry on doing what you are doing and show him what your made of you may then see what hes made of xx:cool:

pebbles88

well today was unusual.

got mum settled in respite. Was upset as i left, i was too. But i called her after tea as I promised i would, and she sounded great. was chatting away to some others.

all the staff were lovely, when ever i passed one, they asked if i was ok, if we needed anything etc. the relief was immediate, came home, did a mini jig to the radio in the kitchen... just cos i could... had a bit of a tidy, cos I wanted to, not someone else going on at me to do it.....

met up with DH, he came here, was getting his shoes as i came downstairs, said I looked lovely.... (should do, spent long enough getting ready & a whole tub of polyfilla!)

had lovely meal in lovely italian restaurant we've been to before. chit chat about family, how everyone has been (not mum) then stopped at tesco on way home, got heavy bits that i struggle with, cat litter, cat food, bottles tins etc. made big fuss of me not lifting anything, dropped me off at the door as it was raining etc. very gentlemanly. even paid for dinner! even cracked a few jokes about how next time we go out I have to pay......

gave me a huge hug as he went to bed (slept on the sofa, didnt want me to have to sleep in mums room as didnt want to upset me)

is coming for tea on sunday, have made up a fun bag for him & the nephews on saturday (chocs, water bombs, glow in dark bracelets, just cute inexpensive things)

I asked if he might like to go to the pics with me next week, said yes straight away & that he would pick me up....

is it bonkers that i had butterflies in my tummy!

i'm not reading loads into it. but it was just so lovely to spend some time together & not having to take into account any one elses needs. i'm sorry if that sounds selfish. i dont mean it to be.

off to the metro centre tomorrow with my sister & nephew. he 'needs' new clothes apparently... so no doubt i'll be dragged all around the 'chav' shops.... will be nice just to see them both though

goodnight my lovlies. you're all angels. xxx

pebbles88

dorisday wrote: »

Yes this is exactly what you want to do.if im honest I would feel let down by him ok I know hes said hes depressed but from my great deal of experience with people with depression they dont function well and dont want to do things must say he quickly lost the not sleeping bit and the chest pains when he went to his mothers. But those are my gut instincts and im not his wife and of course I dont know him so im only seeing what you have written.
carry on doing what you are doing and show him what your made of you may then see what hes made of xx:cool:

Unfortunatly, regardless of 'great deal of experience' depression & other MH issues will always differ person to person as each person is unique, thats something I believe regardless of whether my DH is involved or not. If only crystal balls really existed I think it would make these kind of things a lot bloomin easier! x