Family breakdown - never mind just being DH!

pebbles88

*Hi, I have updated the title, as this is really about the family as a whole, not just DH.

Things have changed, not for the better, and I could really do with some further advice on things.

The support I have had on here has been stellar, and if it hadn't been for the lovely people on here, i'd stillbe in bits. so thank you for all your help so far. :beer:

I'll just post as normal at the end with new developments, this is just to explain to anyone who may be new to the thread. *

hello

My DH left yesterday, saying he needed space & that he didn't want to come back or he would just stay out of guilt. Things are very hard at home at the moment, my mum has been very poorly & is now confined to her room. The relationship between me & her is crumbling, as she is understandably really frustrated at not being able to move much. but unfortunately is directing a lot of that anger at me, and regularly has me in tears, suppose you can say she knows all the buttons to press!

im worried for her, as she seems to be taking everything so personally & that any comment, directed at her or not, is having a go at her.

through out all of this, DH has been wonderful, if it hadn't been for him, i literally would be stuffed, as my sibling gives me zero help with mum at all.

My DH is a wonderful man, and I love him very very much. but he has been struggling with depression for a long time, he lost his brother over a decade ago very suddenly, and has never really dealt with it. He has been on other anti depressants, and tried some counselling although that took so long to come through due to waiting lists. and she just called him a sociapath (sp) due to his ability to really shut down emotion wise. and didn't really help


He's been on Citalopram since approx 4 months ago .Had been on them before, but stopped them summer 2011 as he thought he was ok. They don't seem to have been helping much lately, he was on 60mg per day, but due to some new side effects being discovered his Gp put him on 40mg.

He still is really low, so GP told him to go from 40mg, to 20mg for 7 days, then nothing for 2 weeks to allow them to be cleared from his system before prescribing another one. He has has seemed a bit spaced for a few days, but on friday he broke down in tears at a small tiff we had. This isn't like him, (not that he doesn't ever cry) but seemed strange for him to react like that. I asked if everything was ok, but he brushed me off with the usual blokey quip of yeah im fine etc. Told him Im there if he wants to talk. I know men don't always like to talk so never try to force him into discussing whats wrong, but its left open for him to come to me when he is ready to talk.

I went out to see a friend for a few hours yesterday, and got bk to him not here. Rang him, and he just said he had gone for a drive, but I could hear something in his voice. He said he had to get away as he felt like he was having a heart attack, and was so low he had to run. Also said things werent great with us either, which is a complete shock to me as its been really really good.

When he told me what symptoms/feelings he was having, I think he is having severe side effects of just coming off the citalopram just like that (20mg to 0mg) and also possibly a bit of a breakdown, he said that if his mum hadn't already lost one son that he would top himself he feels that low. Ive begged him to go back to GP, but he says no he's going in 2 weeks so that'll do.

We've been together for 12yrs had our ups n downs like everyone, and I know him he even says I know him better than he knows himself. and I am so so scared, not just of him leaving me for good, but also of what he might do.

He is such a good man, very family orientated, kind, supportive, generally alround good guy, & it breaks me into bits to see him hate himself so much. I know I need to handle how I deal with my mum better, and know that I am guilty of being really tied up with her lately and not giving him as much of my time & attention as I should. But I dont know what to do now.
He says he will come home on Monday, but whether he will or not I don't know. I'm honouring his request to give him some space, as goodness knows he does deserve it. I don't really know why I have put this on here. Feels better to let it out, but I have no idea on how to help him through this if it is a breakdown? He's been though really bad bouts of it before, and we have split over it as he's left then but we've found our way back & worked though everything.

I have gone through so many forums & websites this morning looking for advice, and the breakdown symptoms match exactly what he's describing, I'm just totally lost on what to do.

Has anyone else OH gone through this?

Bitsy_Beans

I've no experience of this but I didn't want to read and run.
I just want to offer you a massive virtual hug and I hope your H comes home and you can both get through this difficult time in your lives xxxx

wellynever

Hugs, Just need to know one thing does your mother live with you both.

Wickedkitten

The last thing you want to do really is just come off your antidepressants and yes it can make things a lot worse. What your mum is doing is unacceptable no matter how low she may be feeling and the last thing that your OH will be needing if he is already feeling low is your mum calling him a sociopath.

I'm guessing when you went out, those two were left in the house with each other? Have you asked your mum about if she has done anything to upset him in that time?

pebbles88

wellynever wrote: »

Hugs, Just need to know one thing does your mother live with you both.

Hi, thanks for replying, yes she does.

Wickedkitten wrote: »

The last thing you want to do really is just come off your antidepressants and yes it can make things a lot worse. What your mum is doing is unacceptable no matter how low she may be feeling and the last thing that your OH will be needing if he is already feeling low is your mum calling him a sociopath.

I'm guessing when you went out, those two were left in the house with each other? Have you asked your mum about if she has done anything to upset him in that time?

Ooops, think I didn't make myself that clear, Mum didn't call him a sociapath, the counsellor did. Sorry for the mix up, not thinking straight today.

I'm on antidepressants also, I know how weird I feel if i miss one dose, never mind stop them completely, which is why I thought it a bit strange what the GP did?

Yes I was out, just for a few hours with my friend. I asked him to make sure she ate something for lunch (had already tried to worry me out of going out by saying she wasn't going to bother with any lunch!) He took her a sandwich, adv she might want to leave it 5 mins or so as he'd had to nuke the ham (will only eae y a particular type of ham so we buy lots & freeze it) and as its a new microwave (more like a spaceship, I melted a plate the other day!) so it may be a bit warm.

She replied (well snapped) that it didn't matter as she wasn't eating until lunch. Innocent enough answer, but will have been said with a lot of sarkiness to it IYKWIM. He admitted it was the straw that broke the camels back. Mum never thinks before she speaks, and has said some very very nasty things over the last few months. So I do try and do the majority of stuff for her on my own to avoid any conflict. Anything for an easy life and all, which is what I think has caused half the problem. I've let her get away with her behaviour, but have always pulled her up the minute she has said anything about DH, even if it's something like, 'oh well DH can go to the shop for me, he isn't doing anything' I've then said she doesn't tell my DH what to do.

Supermom

Friends of mine were in a very similar situation and for the sake of their marriage made the decision to put her mum into a home. This wasn't an easy choice but I am 100% sure they wouldn't be together now if they had carried on the way they were.

It can't be easy for either of you. Could you maybe arrange for some respite in the short term till you could find her something more permanent. I think you need to act quickly for your husbands well being.

wellynever

Ok thanks for getting back to me about the mother bit,

Now coming off Citalopram can affect people in different ways I'm talking to someone atm who as had to go back on them as they couldn't cope, Depression is enough to try and sort out without whats been going on lately, Put it this way a person with no MH problems would find the stress too much,

Being a male and watching your partner being reduced to tears all the while would affect most men, Why he as not snapped sooner I'm not sure, As for a breakdown not quite but i can understand him needing time out of what sounds like a mad house (not ment to be nasty just going by your post)

He will be back but things will need to change and quickly,

Who's house is it i ask because when i mean change i really do mean change,

I will get back with more.

CH27

What help do you get with your mum?

theoldcynic

Okay sounds like things are overwhelming at the moment.

In crisis it is often helpful to separate issues and deal with them separately rather than overwhelm yourself with them all at once.

From your post it looks like there are communication issues between yourself/husband and mother. Have you considered going to RELATE? Or asking for some form of help from your local family therapy services. Often you can be referred by your GP. Especially if your husband has suffered with MH issues. If you have a history of separation I would strongly suggest some form of joint counselling as there may well be some underlying issues (I mean no offence when I say that).

Secondly it looks like your husband MAY be suffering with withdrawal from Citalopram. Citalopram is often prescribed for anxiety. Perhaps his 'heart attack' symptoms were a form of anxiety/panic attack, often people who have panic attacks describe them as feeling like a heart attack. Your husband needs to see a GP though to get this and his heart (just in case) checked up. Coming off anti-depressants can leave you (temporarily) feeling more depressed and it is not unheard of to feel suicidal at this time. This doesn't mean that his depressed/panic feelings owing to circumstance should be negated, just that it may well be that the withdrawal is exaggerating those feelings. I would urge him to see a GP sooner. Often those suffering with depression see themselves as being a pain or a pest to the health services due to low self esteem/prejudice etc (if he says he hates himself that can indicate low self esteem), explain to him that whilst you can see why he might feel that way, encourage him that is not the case and that most GPs would prefer to see their patients sooner rather than later in these circumstances. Coming off any form psychiatric medication is not to be taken lightly.

Anxiety might explain his flight response, and leaving the home. Often it leads to a fight or flight feeling.

Thirdly I have never known a counsellor to have the authority to diagnose anyone with such a serious personality disorder. IMO if what you say is correct then that was way out of order. Usually only highly qualified therapists/psychiatrists can make such diagnosis after many months/years of seeing a repeated pattern of behaviour and assessment and it usually involves some sort of DSM test. No wonder your husband stopped going, receiving a 'diagnosis' or 'label' like that can be extremely distressing, and it can also seem like an insult to the person receiving it. If this counsellor was arranged through the GP I would encourage your husband to discuss his feelings around that with them. Often just plastering a label on someone is really unhelpful and I thought was more discouraged these days without looking at managing symptoms.

Has your husband considered some form of specialised bereavement counselling? This may be a more helpful route to go down rather than a general counsellor? It may be worth looking into Cruse?

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

I would probably go along with giving him some space, and without trying to sound like I am stereo-typing it is my experience that many men prefer to approach emotional issues in a practical way. If this is the case perhaps when you are able to communicate with him again, you can make some practical suggestions with how to go forward with this. Looking at reassessing your current living arrangements, booking appointments so on and so forth.

In these instances, I would say google is not your friend. Try to deal with what the problems are at the moment rather than speculating that this may be a complete breakdown. I would say in these circumstances you describe I can understand his response and given what you say it could be justifiable.

Look after yourself too. Perhaps at this time it would be wise to offload some your issues with your mother onto a friend rather than onto him. Someone who won't see it as extra stress and may be able to offer more of an objective view on things. Make sure you have a good support network around you too.

PS in response to your last question this comes from experience in many forms dealing with those in similar situations or my own. I am by no means currently a professional, and these are only (hopefully helpful) suggestions/speculations.

jetplane

Oh you must be exhausted looking after both of them, my heart goes out to you. Your husband sounds as if he has been supportive even though he is ill while your mother sabotages both of your efforts. Your mother may feel resentful that she has to depend on you both and may show this as agression.

The man you describe does not sound like a sociopath, he sounds like a man withdrawing from his medication, floundering and in dire need of the right help. I am not on a rant against your mother but the last thing your husband needs is criticism.

I don't know if you have children but so far there are three people who need help.

Firstly you, you need support to enable you to tackle what lies ahead. You need to be able to find some breathing space to ensure that you don't become ill yourself because it won't be plain sailing.

Your husband needs professional help, not some councellor who bandies labels about, but if he is having suicidal thoughts I would be calling his family, the GP, the emergency mental health team, mind, sane, mentalhealth.org, anybody to get the ball rolling and to stop him deteriorating and being left on a waiting list.

Your mother needs someone to look after her and despite any of her protests it doesn't all have to fall to you and your OH, if you end up ill yourself then she will have no choice. Be selfish about this and be demanding. I'm not saying put her in a home, although it should be considered if she is totally dependant, but get care in the home and get her into some respite care.

I hope this doesn't sound dictorial, but I think you will crash and burn if things carry on this way. Probably both your mother and husband feel helpless in their different ways, but it is time to get more help from other sources.

Caring is a very demanding task which is frequently underestimated. I wish you strength and good luck :A x

Miss_Havisham

Would he meet you on "neutral" territory such as a pub, McD's so you can talk without having your mum over your heads ?


I have a good idea about the stresses you have with your siblings - my brother and sister are always "too busy" to help with my mum who is nowhere near as needy as your mum sounds. Every so often I blow my top with them and for a while they do help out a bit........ Have you given this a go, it might work for a while. Could Social Services arrange a few days respite care for her so you have the house to yourselves ?

I know from my own depression that is can be under control one minute (with meds) and then flares up from nowhere. I don't have the stresses that you and your hubby have, so I do feel for you.

Sorry not much help but given the circumstances your and your dh's reactions seem quite reasonable

I do hope you can both work through these current problems and regain your health and happy home life.

Miss H