Family breakdown - never mind just being DH!

pebbles88

jetplane wrote: »

As tempting as it is to push your husband to come back, you may push him further away. He may need to see that the situation is going to change long term not short term.

You both need time to think and whilst your mother is in respite it will give all three of you a chance to see how things can change. All you can do at the moment is look after yourself.

thankyou. youre right, i just want him to come home. im trying to back off now.

pebbles88

Suki: he says he has no pressure now he isnt here.

quietheart

pebbles88 wrote: »

Suki: he says he has no pressure now he isnt here.

but you do.
sounds like you look after everybody else's need but your own get neglected.
really feel for you. it sounds like you've been tolerating so much from your mother. i don't think she knows how lucky she is to have you as her daughter.

suki1001

pebbles88 wrote: »

Suki: he says he has no pressure now he isnt here.

How are you interpreting that though?

He's removed himself from a very difficult family situation, he still has a lot to think through.

Be very wary you don't interpret it to mean the worst case senario, try and look at it for what it is. The situation has caused this to happen - not you.

pebbles88

been to gp, comm nurse pushed for it, have been told give him time, she is going to pass a msg onto his gp. when she found out who my mum was, she said yes she is very unwell, no wonder youre tired. have given me some diazepam to try help calm me down.

patchwork_cat

Your dh needs something to help him get through this. He is almost going cold turkey and he is suffering withdrawl. I feel for you all you need to be together at this time.

He must go to his Dr and tell them what a bad time he is having and they should be able to give him something to help, I can't give anymore advice, but there are lots of other medications other than SSRI's.

RacyRed

pebbles88 wrote: »

the sw is going to sort a family meeting, he has agreed he will come. i just miss him so much.

ive never even stayed in the house on my own overnight, im petrified, he's going to come see me on thursday night as that is when they are starting the respite, and i have just said that we will need to use the time to talk things through. he is ok with that. I think i need to stop contacting him as much though cos its killing me

Hugs pebbles, I really feel for you and have been following your thread from the start but didn't post as others were saying what I thought so much better than I could.

But one thing has struck me. On Thursday night why not award yourselves a night off from all the stress? Don't talk about the situation with your Mum at all. This will be the first time you both have the house to yourselves so it might be an idea to take the opportunity to break the stress patterns you have both gotten into?

What did you used to talk about/do when you had time to yourselves? Go for a walk? Go to the pub together? Anything outside of your usual habits. But please Sweetheart, don't spend your first meeting with the intention of talking things through. Take the opportunity to just enjoy a little time with each other, keep the pressure off.

Give yourselves and each other a proper break. I know you are torn apart and want to hear him say he is coming back, but it is so soon, too soon probably. He must love you very, very much to have stuck it out this long, respect that and give yourselves time to start to heal before getting into any discussions about what happens next.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I've been a carer myself and know so well how the frustrations of the person being cared for can add massively to the weight you already bear.

Wishing you well Pebbles xxx

dorisday

As a few others have commented and even yourself you really need to back off with your husband just let things go with the flow if your mum isnt around on thursday why dont you get dressed up and you and your hubby have a date out somewhere for a meal but without any talk of what has gone on and how he and you are coping - just a chilled night out.
I know its easier said than done and im not a one with a lot of patience i want to know when how and now but i have learnt something in my 65 years but just too late so all i can do is pass my experience on to try and help someone else.
Oh and when the night with hubby is ended send him home to his mum get him to yearn for you the way he used to and how you do for him.

debtfreewannabe321

hi pebbles, i just wanted to add that i've been on citalopram (upto 60 mg) and i had awful side effects with it (my husband told me i was quite literally losing the plot on a daily basis!) and also when i came off of them i went a bit loopy too! They were truly awful please give your hubby time to get used to new meds or dosage. My hubby was so unsupportive when i was changing mine that it very nearly sent me over the edge! I'm on fluoxetine now and found these to be far better for me. (although i'm cutting these down now too) basically all i wanted to say ... it could just be the meds and he probably has no intention of leaving you. Whilst he is depressed he won't be thinking about too much else but himself i expect so he probably doesn't realise what situation he has left you in caring for your mum. Sorry i'm just rambling now, just want to send some hugs though for all of you and hope you get through this trying time xx

pebbles88

RacyRed wrote: »

Hugs pebbles, I really feel for you and have been following your thread from the start but didn't post as others were saying what I thought so much better than I could.

But one thing has struck me. On Thursday night why not award yourselves a night off from all the stress? Don't talk about the situation with your Mum at all. This will be the first time you both have the house to yourselves so it might be an idea to take the opportunity to break the stress patterns you have both gotten into?

What did you used to talk about/do when you had time to yourselves? Go for a walk? Go to the pub together? Anything outside of your usual habits. But please Sweetheart, don't spend your first meeting with the intention of talking things through. Take the opportunity to just enjoy a little time with each other, keep the pressure off.

Give yourselves and each other a proper break. I know you are torn apart and want to hear him say he is coming back, but it is so soon, too soon probably. He must love you very, very much to have stuck it out this long, respect that and give yourselves time to start to heal before getting into any discussions about what happens next.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I've been a carer myself and know so well how the frustrations of the person being cared for can add massively to the weight you already bear.

Wishing you well Pebbles xxx

thats pretty what my friend said tonight.

i have suggested to him that we could go out for tea or something, he's at footy til 8, so said well i wont be there til 8.30, but could go out for a late tea if i didnt mind. First reaction was no its too late for me, but i didnt send that, i said that sounds good, but that if he is playing footy that he is welcome to have a shower here as Im not going anywhere with him if he ponks :-) and that i promised not to try perv on him.... much! just for a bit of daft banter & light heartedness. that it would be nice just to 'be' and not have to worry about getting home.

just emailed him a pic of one of our cats, who is very much his and not mine, just cos he was curled up cute. they def have a bromance going on.

diazepan are helping, im just evened out if that makes sense, still dont feel sleepy, but much more copeable.

spent a few hours with my friend, she helped me washup and had a quick tidy, gave me lots of hugs. then spent an hour with mum having a cuppa & watching something on sky called bunny boilers.... one even put a cat in a tumble dryer , was bit funny where they called them bunny boilers and boiled bunnys! but awful what some people went to!

thanks again to everyone that has posted, i cant describe how much it means just to have your support.

I have brought a book up with me, that i got last summer, and have never had chance to read, its game of thrones. not sure that i would take any of it in tonight, but thought I would start tomorrow so that on thursday, we could even talk about that a bit. DH loves those books, and i got it when he went to near Dubai to work, so that I could read it & we could discuss it over skype etc, as a way of feeling close. But ive never had time to pick it up. so thought it might help to show I am trying to change things for us.

goodnight my lovlies..