Family breakdown - never mind just being DH!

motherofstudents

I think you have coped remarkably well so far. You are only human and nobody could go on in your situation forever.
As well as social services, there are charities who can help by sitting with your mum while you go out for a couple of hours. (I am thinking of Crossroads, The Princess Trust for carers etc.) These could be a real lifeline for you and your mum.
Make sure she is getting all the benefits she is entitled to. Does she get attendance allowance ? Being a carer is one of the hardest jobs in the world and very undervalued. I do hope you get some proper help soon so that you can start to have some pleasure in life. You deserve it.

pebbles88

i wish i could say i felt better today, the social worker has been round, they are looking at a couple of weeks respite for mum starting thursday. I have begged DH to come round cos I can't do this on my own, I'm doing this for us, for our future, but he wont come, says he needs to look after himself. What if i do this, and he doesnt come back. i just want the pain to stop.

suki1001

pebbles88 wrote: »

i wish i could say i felt better today, the social worker has been round, they are looking at a couple of weeks respite for mum starting thursday. I have begged DH to come round cos I can't do this on my own, I'm doing this for us, for our future, but he wont come, says he needs to look after himself. What if i do this, and he doesnt come back. i just want the pain to stop.

This is just respite though, it's not permanent. Even if your mum did move into a home on a more permanent basis, there is no reason she can't move back.

Regardless of whether your DH comes back and he's clearly not thinking straight at the moment, you need to start doing something for yourself. Do you have any friends? Do you go to any clubs? Can you join a walking group? Art group? He can't support you while he's feeling like he is.

It sounds like you are used to looking after other people. I realise you probably don't feel like doing much as the moment, but you really need some time for yourself. You do need space too.

CH27

Good re the respite. Keep pushing for it.
Also hassle SS abut an updated care package for when the respite ends. That needs to be organised ASAP.

You can't make him come back but what you can do is recharge your batteries, make time to see friends, pamper yourself etc.
Suggest going out for lunch or dinner with your OH & talk about anything but your mum & surrounding problems.

pebbles88

suki1001 wrote: »

This is just respite though, it's not permanent. Even if your mum did move into a home on a more permanent basis, there is no reason she can't move back.

Regardless of whether your DH comes back and he's clearly not thinking straight at the moment, you need to start doing something for yourself. Do you have any friends? Do you go to any clubs? Can you join a walking group? Art group? He can't support you while he's feeling like he is.

It sounds like you are used to looking after other people. I realise you probably don't feel like doing much as the moment, but you really need some time for yourself. You do need space too.

suki im sorry, i just feel like i cant breathe. He has said for him all the pressure is off for him, he can't guarantee anything and that every thing thats had ppened has taken a toll on him and how he feels. right now i feel like i would rather die than keep hurting this much. i cant face going outside, am just in my pjs in bed. he's been my love for 12 years, and i dont know how to live without him.

could it just be that he saying he doesn't know what he wants as he's just relieved the pressure is off? he's saying he doesnt even know if he does want to try again.but that he won't abandon me.

whitewing

pebbles, you need to look after yourself and while your mum is in respite, get some rest and a plan for some future help with your mum.

give your man a bit of space. sounds like you are both exhausted.

pebbles88

CH27 wrote: »

Good re the respite. Keep pushing for it.
Also hassle SS abut an updated care package for when the respite ends. That needs to be organised ASAP.

You can't make him come back but what you can do is recharge your batteries, make time to see friends, pamper yourself etc.
Suggest going out for lunch or dinner with your OH & talk about anything but your mum & surrounding problems.

the sw is going to sort a family meeting, he has agreed he will come. i just miss him so much.

ive never even stayed in the house on my own overnight, im petrified, he's going to come see me on thursday night as that is when they are starting the respite, and i have just said that we will need to use the time to talk things through. he is ok with that. I think i need to stop contacting him as much though cos its killing me

pebbles88

whitewing wrote: »

pebbles, you need to look after yourself and while your mum is in respite, get some rest and a plan for some future help with your mum.

give your man a bit of space. sounds like you are both exhausted.

we are, i just hope he wants to come back

jetplane

As tempting as it is to push your husband to come back, you may push him further away. He may need to see that the situation is going to change long term not short term.

You both need time to think and whilst your mother is in respite it will give all three of you a chance to see how things can change. All you can do at the moment is look after yourself.

suki1001

pebbles88 wrote: »

suki im sorry, i just feel like i cant breathe. He has said for him all the pressure is off for him, he can't guarantee anything and that every thing thats had ppened has taken a toll on him and how he feels. right now i feel like i would rather die than keep hurting this much. i cant face going outside, am just in my pjs in bed. he's been my love for 12 years, and i dont know how to live without him.

could it just be that he saying he doesn't know what he wants as he's just relieved the pressure is off? he's saying he doesnt even know if he does want to try again.but that he won't abandon me.

Considering these last few days, you're perfectly entitled to stay in your pj's.

Don't under estimate the immense pressure you've all been under. I used to be a carer for families, where usually an elderly adult who needed support was there. I could walk away from it, there wasn't one family who found it easy. I can very easily see someone snapping.

I think sometimes you carry on and you don't realise what an incredibly difficult job you are doing.

All we know is that your husband is struggling with the situation and he can't cope and these things have a tendancy to come to a head. It's obviously very raw for him, but that doesn't mean he wants to leave you, it just means it's very difficult for him to cope. I would think it's very difficult for him to compute any decisions, if he's someone who's breaking under pressure, any questions will just feel like extra pressure, that doesn't help you.

He isn't rejecting you, he just can't cope. You sound like a fantastic person btw.