Family breakdown - never mind just being DH!

pebbles88

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Supermom wrote: »

Friends of mine were in a very similar situation and for the sake of their marriage made the decision to put her mum into a home. This wasn't an easy choice but I am 100% sure they wouldn't be together now if they had carried on the way they were.

It can't be easy for either of you. Could you maybe arrange for some respite in the short term till you could find her something more permanent. I think you need to act quickly for your husbands well being.

The social worker that came out this week from the hosp where she was admitted was pretty useless, seemed very uninterested & literally just said that she will now refer mum to the local Social Servs as she doesnt cover that area. We did have SS discuss poss respite last year before she got this bad & all they did was give us a huge pile of paper booklets detailing full time care homes, we kept asking for more info, but no one got bk to us. Then when I tried to contact them when mum went into hosp last november, they said as we'd signed off that everything was ok we would need to be referred again.... then stated that our review meeting tcovered all that... weren't too happy when I asked when that meeting was supposed to have taken place...... that was the first we'd heard of it.

Again the SS last week just said she'd get someone to look at getting the respite info. but the only option would be 1 week every 3 months or so.?Q! will discuss further with local SS when they contact, or may go & throw a strop in the office on tuesday!

i do think if we can get mum out of her circle of feeling got at all the time, things wouyld improve greatly, we've had a really really good talk today, but we'll see what happens. We all used to get on great, just these last few months have been awful

wellynever wrote: »

Ok thanks for getting back to me about the mother bit,

Now coming off Citalopram can affect people in different ways I'm talking to someone atm who as had to go back on them as they couldn't cope, Depression is enough to try and sort out without whats been going on lately, Put it this way a person with no MH problems would find the stress too much,

Being a male and watching your partner being reduced to tears all the while would affect most men, Why he as not snapped sooner I'm not sure, As for a breakdown not quite but i can understand him needing time out of what sounds like a mad house (not ment to be nasty just going by your post)

He will be back but things will need to change and quickly,

Who's house is it i ask because when i mean change i really do mean change,

I will get back with more.

It's our house, was hers, be we bought it off her when we got married. was my mums & Dads before that.

CH27 wrote: »

What help do you get with your mum?

We have carers coming in on a morning & lunch during the week to make sure she eats as we are out with work early morning.

We also have homecall pendant & falls detector, community matron is coming in next couple of weeks also.

Oxygen/COPD outreach nurse who came out the other week was fantastic, she was horrified that so many things hadnt been followed up. Have been told it'll be about 4 months before they can even assess for a stairlift.

I have asked for another carers assessment as well as things have changed so much since my last one.

Help wise at the moment thats it. My sister who lives 10 mins away won't help, asked her back in january if she would occasionally come & see mum one night so that me & DH could go out, for a meal or pictures etc, still awaiting an answer.

I asked her to do the same in Nov last yr for my SILS bday party, she said she would but only if we bought her a bottle of wine for it as well. She texted me to say she was leaving at 9.30 as well, despite promising to stay til we got bk at 11, Already had taxi booked to make sure)

I shouldn't be surprised at this, she's never helped us at all. even when mum was in hosp she would only visit once a week if that. now she's home, she comes for 30 mins every now & then, gets huffy if we aren't in when she wants to come over (mum can't get down to open the door). Never even asks if we need anything, but happily asks us to go out of our way for her.

I told her what had happened this morning, all she did was have a go about DH that he should be supporting me & not running away. I felt like saying he is the only one who has been supporting me, but She would've turned nasty & would have to have the last word, and right now, I don't have time nor the energy for her behaviour.

CH27

You need so much more help.
How do you get on with your Mum's GP? Any chance you could get them out & get them to kick SS up the bum?

Dealing with SS you need to be so pushy. Tell them if they don't give you the help you need then your mum is going in a home fulltime.

pebbles88

theoldcynic wrote: »

Okay sounds like things are overwhelming at the moment.

In crisis it is often helpful to separate issues and deal with them separately rather than overwhelm yourself with them all at once.

From your post it looks like there are communication issues between yourself/husband and mother. Have you considered going to RELATE? Or asking for some form of help from your local family therapy services. Often you can be referred by your GP. Especially if your husband has suffered with MH issues. If you have a history of separation I would strongly suggest some form of joint counselling as there may well be some underlying issues (I mean no offence when I say that).

Secondly it looks like your husband MAY be suffering with withdrawal from Citalopram. Citalopram is often prescribed for anxiety. Perhaps his 'heart attack' symptoms were a form of anxiety/panic attack, often people who have panic attacks describe them as feeling like a heart attack. Your husband needs to see a GP though to get this and his heart (just in case) checked up. Coming off anti-depressants can leave you (temporarily) feeling more depressed and it is not unheard of to feel suicidal at this time. This doesn't mean that his depressed/panic feelings owing to circumstance should be negated, just that it may well be that the withdrawal is exaggerating those feelings. I would urge him to see a GP sooner. Often those suffering with depression see themselves as being a pain or a pest to the health services due to low self esteem/prejudice etc (if he says he hates himself that can indicate low self esteem), explain to him that whilst you can see why he might feel that way, encourage him that is not the case and that most GPs would prefer to see their patients sooner rather than later in these circumstances. Coming off any form psychiatric medication is not to be taken lightly.

Anxiety might explain his flight response, and leaving the home. Often it leads to a fight or flight feeling.

Thirdly I have never known a counsellor to have the authority to diagnose anyone with such a serious personality disorder. IMO if what you say is correct then that was way out of order. Usually only highly qualified therapists/psychiatrists can make such diagnosis after many months/years of seeing a repeated pattern of behaviour and assessment and it usually involves some sort of DSM test. No wonder your husband stopped going, receiving a 'diagnosis' or 'label' like that can be extremely distressing, and it can also seem like an insult to the person receiving it. If this counsellor was arranged through the GP I would encourage your husband to discuss his feelings around that with them. Often just plastering a label on someone is really unhelpful and I thought was more discouraged these days without looking at managing symptoms.

Has your husband considered some form of specialised bereavement counselling? This may be a more helpful route to go down rather than a general counsellor? It may be worth looking into Cruse?

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

I would probably go along with giving him some space, and without trying to sound like I am stereo-typing it is my experience that many men prefer to approach emotional issues in a practical way. If this is the case perhaps when you are able to communicate with him again, you can make some practical suggestions with how to go forward with this. Looking at reassessing your current living arrangements, booking appointments so on and so forth.

In these instances, I would say google is not your friend. Try to deal with what the problems are at the moment rather than speculating that this may be a complete breakdown. I would say in these circumstances you describe I can understand his response and given what you say it could be justifiable.

Look after yourself too. Perhaps at this time it would be wise to offload some your issues with your mother onto a friend rather than onto him. Someone who won't see it as extra stress and may be able to offer more of an objective view on things. Make sure you have a good support network around you too.

PS in response to your last question this comes from experience in many forms dealing with those in similar situations or my own. I am by no means currently a professional, and these are only (hopefully helpful) suggestions/speculations.

Thank you, your post makes a lot of sense & is really helpful. Looking back, I can see how awful for him it would have been seeing me upset daily. Apart from DH, a couple of close friends, thats all my support network is.. and MSE of course.

jetplane wrote: »

Oh you must be exhausted looking after both of them, my heart goes out to you. Your husband sounds as if he has been supportive even though he is ill while your mother sabotages both of your efforts. Your mother may feel resentful that she has to depend on you both and may show this as agression.

The man you describe does not sound like a sociopath, he sounds like a man withdrawing from his medication, floundering and in dire need of the right help. I am not on a rant against your mother but the last thing your husband needs is criticism.

I don't know if you have children but so far there are three people who need help.

Firstly you, you need support to enable you to tackle what lies ahead. You need to be able to find some breathing space to ensure that you don't become ill yourself because it won't be plain sailing.

Your husband needs professional help, not some councellor who bandies labels about, but if he is having suicidal thoughts I would be calling his family, the GP, the emergency mental health team, mind, sane, mentalhealth.org, anybody to get the ball rolling and to stop him deteriorating and being left on a waiting list.

Your mother needs someone to look after her and despite any of her protests it doesn't all have to fall to you and your OH, if you end up ill yourself then she will have no choice. Be selfish about this and be demanding. I'm not saying put her in a home, although it should be considered if she is totally dependant, but get care in the home and get her into some respite care.

I hope this doesn't sound dictorial, but I think you will crash and burn if things carry on this way. Probably both your mother and husband feel helpless in their different ways, but it is time to get more help from other sources.

Caring is a very demanding task which is frequently underestimated. I wish you strength and good luck :A x

Mums even said if she is the cause then she'll go into a home, I think it's me that has more of a problem with it. i think hers would be more of a residential rather than care though? I have only seen the one my gran went into, it was awful, couple of weeks before she died she was admitted to hosp & was covered in bedsores...and had so many falls each day. Breaks my heart to think about it.

Even if she did go in one, whether it would make any difference to DH i don't know. i love him so so much, and if being away from me & this situation is what he needs, although it kills me to even think it, I would just want what is best for him. For him to be happy.

Miss_Havisham wrote: »

Would he meet you on "neutral" territory such as a pub, McD's so you can talk without having your mum over your heads ?


I have a good idea about the stresses you have with your siblings - my brother and sister are always "too busy" to help with my mum who is nowhere near as needy as your mum sounds. Every so often I blow my top with them and for a while they do help out a bit........ Have you given this a go, it might work for a while. Could Social Services arrange a few days respite care for her so you have the house to yourselves ?

I know from my own depression that is can be under control one minute (with meds) and then flares up from nowhere. I don't have the stresses that you and your hubby have, so I do feel for you.

Sorry not much help but given the circumstances your and your dh's reactions seem quite reasonable

I do hope you can both work through these current problems and regain your health and happy home life.

Miss H

Thankyou.

blowing my top with the siblings won't do anything, apart from my sister screaming at me. Brother lives many miles away, has rang once since december, a surprise visit recently, only to complain that she can't be trying to get better as she hasn't put any weight on. Sister, as described in prev post, doesn't care full stop, yet if mum did have to go in care or anything, would call me to everyone under the sun, but still wouldn't offer any help herself.

I'm going to try chase SS up this week about getting some respite ASAP.

I miss DH so much already, put his jumper he'd had on in his side of the bed last night just so i could smell it. One of our cats, who never leaves his side, also came & snuggled up to the jumper and me, which he never does, must have sensed that I needed comfort. bless him.

I am sorry if I have missed anything in my posts that I haven't thanked or discussed further, not great at concentrating. Thank you all so much for your support though, means more than you could realise. x

pebbles88

CH27 wrote: »

You need so much more help.
How do you get on with your Mum's GP? Any chance you could get them out & get them to kick SS up the bum?

Dealing with SS you need to be so pushy. Tell them if they don't give you the help you need then your mum is going in a home fulltime.

Mum's GP is ok, the surgery is pants though, last week they tried to claim they haven't issued her any prescriptions since 2011..... despite us getting weekly deliveries of all sorts from them!

It seem really hard to get info on what help is available. It's like they only tell you something if you mention it, it took an awful lot for them to get the girls coming in for the meals as they didn't think it was needed. it's so draining.

wellynever

OP my heart goes out to you it really does,

People have said everything i was going to say and more so not much to add, I'm not sure how you have not cracked up under so much pressure,

Please try and get as much help as possible, Trust me on this your partner will be back but as I've said things need to change and quickly,

Hope you get all the help you need (Hugs)

theoldcynic

NP. It sounds like you are all being let down by so many people and services, I really feel for you.

With regards to knowing what help you are entitled to, have you tried contacting the British Lung Foundation? They might be able to offer more advice. Sometimes it is in the GPs/Services interests not to tell you directly what help you are entitled to, if you see what I mean. The BLF may be able to offer you more impartial advice.

Don't blame yourself for getting upset. You are human and entitled to your feelings and to offload on your nearest/dearest. You could not predict what has happened, it just seems such an unfortunate chain of events.

I do believe cats have a sense of their owners (or are they our owners??!) feelings, enjoy your kitty cuddles, they can be so therapeutic.

Sending hugs.

pinksk8

Hi Op!

I hope hope hope, you can find a way to ease the pressure on ALL of you. I imagine your Mum is just frustrated about not being able to help herself, and of course, because she loves you, she takes her stress out on you because she knows you still love her whatever she says. Have you thought about local day centres, they would arrange to pick her up and drop her home, she would have lunch there. It doesnt sound a lot, but your mum could meet others who are the same situation as her and it helps elderly people feel like they are not the only one!

As for your husband, it might be an idea to sit down and work out how you can both do the best thing at the moment, for example if you could sort out the day centre for Mum, then let hubby know and see if he feels a little better. But seriously you are the one who is taking all this on her shoulders and you need just as much TLC as everyone else.

I hope Im not being too presumptuous, I used to be a carer and I had a lot of my ladies and gents benefit greatly from day centres!

Best Wishes x x

alias*alibi

Hi.

I'm on citalopram and have been for years. Before that it was the dreaded seroxat. Im only on 10mg and mainly for anxiety (used to be 20mg) and when trying to cut down or if I forgot to take one I would get what I can only describe as a woolly head, very short tempered and weapy. When coming off seroxat I used to get electric shocks in my head, awful sensations. I can't understand your DH's GP getting him to cut down to nothing before starting a new one. That's very dangerous.

Get your DH back to his GP ASAP. I would say cutting down on his anti-B's is a big contributory factor and be probably is at odds with how he feels.

polgara

alias*alibi - its standard practice. When I had to change ADs the GP explained about the half life of the medication and why I needed to be clear of one before starting with another.

As someone who recently had a breakdown I can echo how important counselling can be for bereavement - even after all this time.

pebbles88

is it daft that I have teary eyes after reading the replys so far

We have looked at day centres before, the social worker claimed they couldn't find one suitable for mum as they class her as too young for them at 70.... I think some research on the BLF & being more assertive with SS, the GP & also myself is needed.

I;m really scared for tomorrow, DH said he would be home, but when talking to him he said we hadn't been good for a while, that he can't cope with the disasters that get thrown at us. I'm really really hoping it's just the depression talking, he did say he was exhausted. i'm driving myself mad with questions & fear. must try get to sleep myself.

My little SIL, god bless her, has been texting me asing me how I am, and telling me she's there for me.She's got a heart of gold. I haven't heard from my MIL, apart from a brief answer when I told her that he had threatened to kill himself, and that he only stopped because his mum has already had to lose one son.

i'm waffling now, and cross eyed as i'm so tired. trying to distract myself from wanting to text him......We never go more than a few hours without some contact, either - texts, phonecalls, emails etc. we've always been close like that.

I have been thinking about showing him this thread, I want to say to him that I think he should go back to his Gp ASAP, to get the meds sorted, and that I'll be with him throughout anything, In sickness & in health.

getting myself all upset again now, just wish he was here so much.
goodnight, and thanks again. xxx