Family breakdown - never mind just being DH!

jetplane

Well if anything good has come out of this so far is that your relationship with your mum is in a better place. It was in a bad way when you first posted and although it's still in the transitional stage and you will have to wean her off the phone calls but at least you enjoyed some time out together.

Now your DH. You know him well after 12 years so sorry if I offend but I think he is being unreasonable in his selfishnes. He has lied to you and then made it out to be your fault that he couldn't tell you the truth. He can not expect you to stay awake at his discretion. Pebbles you might not feel tired but you will be emotionally exhausted and right then - when you felt safe, happy and comfortable is just about the right time to drop off Don't we do that with babies to get them to sleep?

He was to return to his GP a fortnight ago and start his new treatment around now. Has he been back to his GP and has he started his new medication, is he being offered treatment?

Your OH may not be able to put himself in your position but he should respect your version of events. You said that he has the ability to switch off emotionally. Is it possible that he has done this and withdrawn from your relationship? Albeit temporarily.

Some people are enablers in a relationship and put other people first. Your OH needs to get himself well and he has family to support him as well as you and you need to be careful that he does not put you down to make himself feel better.

If you're into reading books then councelling for toads; a great psychological adventure is great. It is based on the parent / child / adult relationship but told in a really humourous way with toad, rat, mole and badger. easy to find on amazon.

The premise is that when we interact some of us take the role of children and let others take responsibilty, decisions and blame. Some of us take the role of parents and take the responsibility, decisions and blame.

One example is that A says to B do you mind if I go out on Friday? By doing this A puts the responsibilty on to B. If B says no I don't mind, then B is given permission. If B says well actually I do mind then B takes responsibilty and blame for A not going out. This is a very crude example but many friendships and marriages are like this, sometimes in a subtle way.

Relationships are always stronger and more equal when we both take the adult role.

Oh I do know how to waffle. Keep strong and in this instance put yourself first. x

desert_rose

At the risk of sounding a bit brutal.....my take on what you're going through is classic 'women who love to much'. And unfortunately, certain blokes see it as a green light to do exactly what they want.

This particular species puts their own needs before anyone else instinctively. Its a form of arrested development really and very common for some odd reason these days...

Additionally, they have an inflated sense of entitlement which is used to being regularly fed by the other half in the relationship.

Advice?

Adopt a confident, dismissive persona toward him. Decide to become a lion rather than a mouse - and watch him and everyone else around developing a new found respect for you.

People treat us the way we allow ourselves to be treated. I think you seriously need to look at your own behaviours here - as well as his.

globetraveller

I've just read this from the start and there is a real change in you, you probably don't realise just how much. I think you did the right thing by giviing your husband some space. You have to give things a go. The alarm bell rang for me, when 3 days after your first post, you talked of your husband playing football. Thats a bit full on active for someone who is having anxiety attacks and is depressed. No-one here seems to have noticed that. I am wondering whether YOU have actually put up with a lot from husband and not realised it. You put up with it because it was YOUR FAULT. The capitals are highlighting what you might feel, not what I think at all.
I know he is ill but I also think he is being selfish. How dare he not be happy that you fell asleep watching the telly. For gods sake, you have put up with deliberately selfish actions from him and he sulks because you do this? The thing is, he was there- you should have been grateful and not falling asleep.
As for the phone- perhaps its something that he did do on the spur of the moment and then had locked himself into a contract.However, to be honest, if it was me, I would probably do something really terrible and try to get hold of it just to check. I know its not clever, but just putting myself in your situation and being honest.
Now, maybe he can't help himself, maybe his illness is dictating things- but I think you need to reflect seriously and be honest with yourself. As you begin to recover from the stresses of 24 hour care for you mum, you will see things a bit clearer, and I would say you are getting there now.
Just a thought- if you husband really doesn't need the second phone, tell him you need it. Give the care home that number and say its not to be given to your mum- and turn off your own phone later at night.
Show husband you can survive without him.Step back and let him do some running after you, without you asking for it. Don't !!!!!foot round him all the time. You might actually like it.
I might be way off the mark but at least it gives you another view and one you can consider and then discard if you think its wrong.
Read through your own thread. You are definitely getting stronger. I hope you get the happiness you so deserve.

pebbles88

Thank you both for your replys. Yes, I know I need to be stronger, & that I shouldn't run after him. I'm truly trying not to. We had words last night where I told him I want him to stop being cold with me when he talks, he keeps swearing too. Apparantly it's to help him as he doesn't know what he wants..... I've said ok, but doesn't mean he has to be nasty or mean with it. I won't keep having him talk to me like that, it's hurtful & rude.

He's been out this morn, & has brought me bk my fave sandwich.... He doesn't know I know, but keeps asking me to get bits out the fridge by saying what he's got without actually saying it.... But I'm no way giving him a thanks or letting him know I know yet. But it is a nice gesture off hihe's also cleaning the kitchen, full on clean, floors & everything .....:eek:

He's trying to be nice, so knows he's hurt me. Won't hurt him to carry on for but longer. - as has been said, he can run after me for a bit .

pebbles88

Oh well, was wrong about sandwich. Oops

pebbles88

pebbles88 wrote: »

*Hi, I have updated the title, as this is really about the family as a whole, not just DH.

Things have changed, not for the better, and I could really do with some further advice on things.

The support I have had on here has been stellar, and if it hadn't been for the lovely people on here, i'd stillbe in bits. so thank you for all your help so far. :beer:

I'll just post as normal at the end with new developments, this is just to explain to anyone who may be new to the thread. *

the above is from my updated 1st post on this thread. just in case anyone thinks i have lost the plot! well.... i might have.... but might not realise for days yet! :rotfl:

this query doesn't involve DH. It's about my mum, i'm trying to chase things up with the social worker.

a nurse from the local GP surgery keeps suggesting to Mum that she would be ok in a little bungalow on her own. If that was possible, I would support mum in that 110%, however... and I have told mum this, that I'm very concerned as she hasn't really done anything for herself since november 2011 & I'm so so frightened that if she forces on down this route that it would only be a matter of time before something seriously went wrong.

Mum's mind is willing, but her body isn't. She hasn't done anything other than lay in bed & do short bursts of walking around her room since nov 2011. She has put a bit of weight on which is really really good. But I truly don't think she realises how much it would be for her.

She's getting frustrated & angry at the care home, but still will not even consider trying anything - such as maybe having her meals in the dining area they have rather than her room, sitting in one of the lounges for a little while whilst she reads a paper etc. All she has done since november, is to lay in bed, watching tv, getting bored, and blaming others for her boredom.

We have had the talk so many times that they are things there for her to do, but SHE has to do it, but she just won't. SHe hates how things are, but won't do anything different, yet expects things to change. It's ssooo frustrating. She keeps saying she will try them, but has no intention & then shouts at me inferring its my fault..... this is one of the things that was happening at home..... and in the last 2 days, she has really gone back to having a go at me for everything.

Whatever happens from here, wherever she goes into, be it home, care home, sheltered/assisted living.... it will be the same, she'll just stay in the same room, getting frustrated, and blaming everyone else for her being bored. It's killing me to watch her go like this, she used to be strong, but it's as though she just wants someone else to make things different. like taking a painkiller to get rid of headache rather than maybe getting some fresh air & a glass of water.

She's a grown woman, I know I cannot force her to do anything, but is there anything else I could be doing to try & encourage her to take a bit of responsibility for her own life & happiness too? i hope this doesn't come across as being nasty about mum, i truly don;t mean it to be. I just hate seeing her this unhappy, but also I'm angry that she is behaving like a child as well going..im bored...entertain me! i'm trying to wean back the visits as well, I will always happily speak to her each day on the phone, but I need to start doing things for me too. She doesn't like it. & on the days I don't go i get several million phonecalls, if she has ran out of credit on the little mobile she has - she's been getting the carers to call on their phones as they have free minutes! :eek:

might not make much sense, but feels good to get this out! :rotfl:

Mojisola

pebbles88 wrote: »

She's a grown woman, I know I cannot force her to do anything, but is there anything else I could be doing to try & encourage her to take a bit of responsibility for her own life & happiness too? i hope this doesn't come across as being nasty about mum, i truly don;t mean it to be. I just hate seeing her this unhappy, but also I'm angry that she is behaving like a child as well going..im bored...entertain me!

It's a very difficult situation for you. The only thing I can think of suggesting is that you back off and be unavailable (switch off the phone!). While you are there, trying to help her, she can play these games.

theoldcynic

I can understand how you feel pebbles88.

Have you thought about booking some time off work and going away for a week by yourself? Maybe to stay with a friend, do a bit of travelling, go see a place you've wanted to see for a while? It doesn't have to be costly, there are some cheap B&Bs by the coast, an opportunity to switch your phone off and think about things.

It sounds like both your DH and mother expect you there at a drop of the hat and it appears a lot of what you are doing lately is to please them.

Maybe going away and being unavailable for a week to them both will make them both realise how important you are to them, how much they rely on you and force them both to get themselves out of the situations they are in. Being unavailable to your mum might allow her to consider using the home to it's full advantage rather than staying in her room and relying on you for her socialisation and needs.

I'm concerned that no one appears to be looking after your concerns and needs, maybe this is something you have to do for yourself.

pebbles88

you're both right, I know I enable her to behave this way. I feel so much responsibility for her, my sister visits her once a week if that. I'm worried that if I did back off for a few days, she'd end up in such a state that it would make things worse. She would literally still do nothing. For the last 20 yrs or so she has had no social interaction with anyone apart from family or staff in local shops. when I have been away in the past, she's literally seen no one else. i need to try & break the cycle though, will have a chat with the girls at the home when I go later today.

it's not just the mobile she rings, it the house phone also, we dont have caller id in the landline phones.

i could just not answer, but the voicemails i then get, note the plural.... almost get to like she's dying!

well, i should take my own advice, if i want things to change, I have to do something different!

Mojisola

pebbles88 wrote: »

She would literally still do nothing.

But that is her choice! It's all there for her, just outside her room. If she wants to sit in isolation, feeling miserable, you're going to have to let her do that.