Family breakdown - never mind just being DH!

whitewing

pebbles, good, it sounds like your mindset is a lot healthier and you are on your way to getting things sorted and more support. Keep up the good work with it all.

Yorkie1

whitewing wrote: »

pebbles, good, it sounds like your mindset is a lot healthier and you are on your way to getting things sorted and more support. Keep up the good work with it all.

I agree. Good luck for tomorrow.

Wickedkitten

earlier this week, found DH up to usual tricks & hiding stuff on his phone (s). I asked to see, got told its nothing to do with me now we aren't together. to which I just replied, no but its about being a human being & not acting so deciteful as he has done for the last few yrs.

Whoa, he doesn't see you two as being together?

pebbles88

Wickedkitten wrote: »

Whoa, he doesn't see you two as being together?

no, but thats been the case since he left. SOrry if I hadnt made that clear in my posts. x

dorisday

Im so pleased you are beginning to see the light with your OH could have told you this was just around the corner but you needed to find out for yourself. Stay strong and positive and you will get there x

jetplane

Oh I'm glad you're back and OK. Mojisola has summed it up perfectly in her post.
Look at all that me me me in your post I love it :T

pebbles88

dorisday wrote: »

Im so pleased you are beginning to see the light with your OH could have told you this was just around the corner but you needed to find out for yourself. Stay strong and positive and you will get there x

dorisday, i don't mean anything bad by this, i truly don't, but you have been very anti DH & almost disbelieving of his depression on all your posts in this thread. It's not about seeing the light nor turning the corner on him, its about survival instinct kicking in

I know I have missed lots of info out, and that a lot of the time my posts just rambled, and you could only go on what I posted.

you've mentioned your gut feelings & in your great deal of experience with depression that none of how he has behaved is along the lines of how depressed people should be. But thats the key thing, thats 'your' experience of the people 'you' have dealt with.

Depression is very personal, symptoms will vary person to person, yes there will no doubt be large similarities, but everyone will have lots of symptoms unique to them as well.

Going with my gut feeling on DH, he is severely depressed, the behaviour in the last 48 hrs have worried me so so much, that I've talked with him tonight, and asked if would consider asking GP for counselling. ive seen this pattern with him 3 times, and I know that unless he realises his problems arent just with whats around him or whom he is with (ie; all external) and that he has to try & find out what keeps causing him to feel this, then he will repeat the pattern for possibly the rest of his life.

His ability to put a brave face on & almost behave with no emotion is,... well huge. he can go almost robot like. He has gone from the almost euphoric behaviour...footy, out with mates etc. To almost crying as he couldnt bear the thought of leaving the house this morning, he is desp for the new anti-ds to kick in as he is struggling with the mood swings.

None of the above means I have gone back to chasing him again. I stand by that he wanted the separation, so he can have it. But regardless of what happens with us personally, I hope to god he trys to seek help, I don't want him still struggling this much for rest of his life with the same problems.

I do love him, more so than the day we married, but I know I have to try & protect myself as best as I can. if he turned round & said he wanted to get back together, I honestly don't know how I'd feel or what i'd say. Ultimately, I think it would depend on whether he would seek help on his demons, as I cannot keep putting myself through this, I want a family, but I couldn't bring children into this. If i'm lucky to be blessed with children, I damn well sure want both parents to be there.

i'm wrestling with so much emotion at the moment. Faithwise, I do still believe that I got married for life. I'd walk the width & length of the world for my marriage, but if i'm the only one fighting for it, what then? But would I want to walk away with even a glimmer of thinking, but what if i've not tried everything to save it?

now i'm having more time for me, im re-discovering who I am, and not quite knowing what or who I want is quite strange. ( and a little bit terrifying!) in fact the time is the hardest thing, as thats when you do get time to thnk... all the things you try and gloss over or keep yourself busy from come out to haunt you.

Mum has come out of the assessment as needing nursing care, so will have to move to another home. As they said, her care needs are complex now, but as they will go downhill anyway. it's better to make sure everything is covered.

well im off to bed,

Again, Doris day - I hope you don't feel attacked by my reply, it truly isnt meant like that, But I had to answer.

I am grateful for all the advice. I'm finally starting to find my own voice again. Will keep you all udated. xx

Yorkie1

What a lovely post PB88. Hope you get some decent sleep.

Just because you are finding yourself doesn't mean that it will have to be without him; it's simply that you are getting a better awareness of what matters to you and how the marriage would work best if it continues. So much has changed in such a short time, and will continue to do so for both of you.

Good luck to you, your mum, your OH and all who support you through this time.

CH27

How are things Pebbles?

pebbles88

CH27 wrote: »

How are things Pebbles?

spooky, i just logged on to do an update.

well, Mum has been accepted into a nursing home & funding agreed. so tomorrow will be liasing with current home & new home to get her moved up there. had good talk with the dep manager @ new home, she was really nice. She's been to assess mum already. mums nervous, but thats to be expected.

We went out on saturday, were meant to be at a jubilee party at the care home, but it was way too crowded for mum, she was really panicking. So we went out for fish & chips in the car & sat on the seafront (still in car) which was really nice. we also had a drive over to the new home.

taking her out into town tomorrow, need to get her some bigger trousers... shes put weight on which I am so so pleased about!

as for me & DH. no change. we've both been home 90% of the long weekend. went to pics friday night, and have eaten together at home etc. He's still all over the place mood wise. Very bad mood swings, quite scary tbh. Very concerned, have gently mentioned a couple of times that if he wants he can access counselling support through my employee help via my work. but so far he still doesnt think he needs it.

i'm very confused over what I want regarding us. scared to walk away from my marriage without trying everything so I would have no regrets, but also don't want a life where i'm walking on eggshells, waiting for the next thing. as I have said before, because of illness & a big op 4 yrs ago, i'm on borrowed time for having children. and if i was to get pregnant, i'm already past the timeframe what my consultant said, & i would need extra monitoring . im so so scared that i'll never get a chance to be a mum, im early 30's, i know if my marriage is done, it would take me a very long time to get over it before I could even contemplate being with anyone else. Not that I attract anyone anyway. I know theres fostering/adopting, and I wouldnt rule those out. I just really want to experience carrying my child & bringing it into the world. The recent thread on having a baby solo really brought things up.

oh look, im waffling again.

well i hope you all had a lovely jubilee weekend. think i better get myself off to bed.