Family breakdown - never mind just being DH!

Mojisola

pebbles88 wrote: »

it's not just the mobile she rings, it the house phone also, we dont have caller id in the landline phones.

i could just not answer, but the voicemails i then get, note the plural.... almost get to like she's dying!

Make an arrangement with the home so that, if you get an upsettling call, you can call them and check how she is.

The staff at these homes, just like those who run nurseries, will have seen this kind of behaviour before. They should know how to handle her if she gets into a strop because you're unavailable.

jetplane

pebbles88 wrote: »

you're both right, I know I enable her to behave this way. I feel so much responsibility for her, my sister visits her once a week if that. I'm worried that if I did back off for a few days, she'd end up in such a state that it would make things worse.

well, i should take my own advice, if i want things to change, I have to do something different!

Hi pebbles I think you are right on both counts. This is what having some space does, you come to realise things for yourself, rather than having people tell you. You really should get that book I mentioned.

There is such a thing as codependancy where you depend on these people to need you and so you enable them to behave as they do. I think the idea to get away is good.

I don't know why a nurse from the surgery should suggest your mother has her own place. Social Services have asssessed the need and will know how expensive the care will be for your mother in the community. I would have a word with this nurse or her carers to put a stop to it. How long would it be before she could not cope and be back with you?

Wonder if you meant your husband bought the sandwich for himself? I don't know if your husband is getting the help he needs but it takes hard work to get well and if he's not making an effort then you can't help him. He said he could not live with your mother any longer and now he isn't, I think he has allowed both you and your mother to carry some blame for how he is acting. Don't let him manipilate you into feeling sorry for him or guilty.

I find your post #161 unsettling. Please don't be changing your behaviour to try to please him, he is back in your home but you can still be your own person. x

pebbles88

Mojisola wrote: »

Make an arrangement with the home so that, if you get an upsettling call, you can call them and check how she is.

The staff at these homes, just like those who run nurseries, will have seen this kind of behaviour before. They should know how to handle her if she gets into a strop because you're unavailable.

Thats a really good idea. I had a good chat with a couple of the girls at the home yesterday about how things were going etc. They themselves are quite...erm ..concerned at this nurse putting the place of her own ideas in her head. They have said she doesn't need the nursing care, but DOES need residential care, not just with the risk to herself, but also she needs encouragement & prompting to do things.

when i went yesterday we ended up having a bit of a tiff. I've said I really don't think she could cope on her own, that I would be fairly sure its only a matter of time until something happened that would end up with her in hospital. cue the victim behaviour of her screaming at me, trying to infer i'm saying all sorts of things much worse than I actually was. but I managed to halt things, and say what I was really worried about & what I really meant. That if it were my choice. She would stay in the home, it couldn't be any closer to us.

I've gone over how if she is in there we can still have her home for meals, go for days out, the home have said they would even support her having an overnight stay with us (although I havent told Mum that!!). But she still doesn't want to stay there.

One of the staff said that quite often the people who go there short term refuse to come out of their rooms, but that once they go permanent. That they then sorta realise that thats their home, and end up trying the different things.

They had a resident yesterday that was 101, there was sing songs, music, cake, balloons & a buffet. was so so lovely, Mum wouldnt go, but I popped my head in for 5 mins, I hope that one day, Mum could have the same there on her birthday.

jetplane wrote: »

Hi pebbles I think you are right on both counts. This is what having some space does, you come to realise things for yourself, rather than having people tell you. You really should get that book I mentioned.

There is such a thing as codependancy where you depend on these people to need you and so you enable them to behave as they do. I think the idea to get away is good.


Wonder if you meant your husband bought the sandwich for himself? I don't know if your husband is getting the help he needs but it takes hard work to get well and if he's not making an effort then you can't help him. He said he could not live with your mother any longer and now he isn't, I think he has allowed both you and your mother to carry some blame for how he is acting. Don't let him manipilate you into feeling sorry for him or guilty.

I find your post #161 unsettling. Please don't be changing your behaviour to try to please him, he is back in your home but you can still be your own person. x

Jetplane you have been a big source of comfort in this thread. I'm really grateful, as I am to everyone that has helped me.

Which book did you recommend? I've gone through the posts but can't find it. I've still got to finish the 5 languages book, don't have a concerntration span at the moment!

i'm trying to be my own person, trouble is, i dont feel like I know who I am, or what I want. I'm just trying to get through each day, not trying to think any longer term than that to behonest as I get scared & overwhelmed.

RAS

peebles

When you are feeling strong you may find it useful to read happyhaddock's thread "I hate my Mother."

Your mother may not be in the same league but she may be playing the same game.

jetplane

If you're into reading books then councelling for toads; a great psychological adventure is great. It is based on the parent / child / adult ego but told in a really humourous way with toad, rat, mole and badger. easy to find on amazon.

This one - it's not a heavy analystic read it is a journey told as a story, it's very clever.

http://www.augment.org.uk/counselling-for-toads.cfm

happyhaddock_2

Hi pebbles, sorry to hear things are still a bit bumpy for you. I was actually going to post, before i saw ras's post (thanks ras) just to say that although the situations aren't the same the way your mum is behaving is. I would in no way expect you to have no contact with your mum, which unfortunately is what I have done, but think you could definately benefit from being 'unavailable'

I agonised over stopping contact with my mum but she hasn't melted, shrivelled up or exploded! She didn't like it, my reasons were totally different to yours, but she got on with and started doing things for herself, because she had to.

If you can get away, even for a couple of days it would do you the world of good and let you recharge your batteries, it might also benefit your mum as well. Hope things get a bit easier for you pebbles x

pebbles88

good morning,

Happyhaddock i have already seen your thread re your mum. I cried buckets when reading it. It must have been so hard for you ((((HUGS))))

by chance the district nurse arrived to do the dst assessment yest when i was at the home, she walked in just as i was asking mum about the 1am hone call the night before & as she was blaming me as 'well the phone made a noise, what do u expect me to do...' I have found out the noise was a junk text coming through.... so have disabled text alerts, so doesnt know how to text anyway so doesn't matter.

even telling her it was first time id been asleep before midnight in weeks did nothing other than to cause her to glare at me!

had to go & chat with the nurse as mum refused to let them do the assessment, just saying she should be allowed to try & make it in her own place. Care home staff & nurse both agreed it can't happen. Mum hasn't been able to look afterherself over the last 2 yrs, & thats even with us helping. so quite how she thinks she could is bonkers. I said I'm the one who has had to help her, live with her, get her to & from the hospital when things have happened, & that I'm a lot more aware of what she can do rather than a nurse who pops in for 10 mins here & there.

anyway, so know I have to wait to here from the SW about the next steps. so will prob be next month knowing her. she only works 2.5 days a week, have left a msg for her to call me today before she goes....but can't see that happening.

on a plus note, went out for tea & a drive with DH last night, & after an initial bit of frostiness from him as he'd had tough day at work, we ended up having a lovely time. I barred all talk on the mum situation & said right for the next hour whilst we eat no body else exists, lets just chatter about nonsense, and we did just that.

When we got back home, with both had bits to get on with, but we still chatted & kept popping in each others rooms. we ended up talking away like we used to do before any of this happened, really nice & close , humourous, not a massive breakthrough, but felt really good. it's carried on to today as well before he left for work. i kinda mentioned that it was good to be able to do what we wanted like just pop out for tea without a military organising like before. Mood has definitly lifted here. But we'll see what happens.

right, off to watch some tv & climb a pile of ironing that i need to get done. Trying to get bit more organised here & it helps me feel calmer.

hope everyone has a good day. xx

Mojisola

pebbles88 wrote: »

on a plus note, went out for tea & a drive with DH last night, & after an initial bit of frostiness from him as he'd had tough day at work, we ended up having a lovely time. I barred all talk on the mum situation & said right for the next hour whilst we eat no body else exists, lets just chatter about nonsense, and we did just that.

That was good! Now imagine how good life could be with a lot more times like this.

I think you may have to get ready to be really hard if your Mum does get sent home. The only way for it to be clear that she can't cope is if you stay away completely. As soon as you start picking up the pieces, she will be seen as managing.

pebbles88

hiya,

apologies for not being bk earlier with any updates. Things have been quite bad.

Decision Support Tool meeting is tomorrow, which is where it will be decided what will be best for mum. That nurse has still been going in and giving it the place of your own talk. I'm actually going to put a complaint in writing in once mum is settled.

Mum has really been throwing the guilt bombs on me this week, stating she'll give me all her pension if she can stay here & that she'll ok the carers coming in 4 times daily. Have said that even with that, it would be too much for me. which she does understand, well sometimes anyway.

sister as useless as normal. But im past caring

earlier this week, found DH up to usual tricks & hiding stuff on his phone (s). I asked to see, got told its nothing to do with me now we aren't together. to which I just replied, no but its about being a human being & not acting so deciteful as he has done for the last few yrs.

It's this behaviour that has made me feel so worthless, and down. He apologised, i just said, no you arent sorry, all you care about is how you feel.

The doc has put him bk on anti-d's, is now trying to blame me for his sleep pattern going haywire again, yes as its that & not the fact he sits up til early morning watching tv/films on his laptop (which he didnt have in the little room he rented) at all.... he is convinced that he doesn't need the tablets. He cannot grasp the fact that until he deals with his issues, nothing will ever change. He'd rather decide its everyone else who is the problem & walk away from them rather than deal with it.

well something finally clicked. i just realised I cant spend the rest of my life in fear of him walking or hiding stuff or texting random girls just because he needs the attention for his self esteem. He's often said that he feels i have to find him attractive or have s*x just cos we are married. whereas random bints dont have too.

So TBH I have been rather dismissive since then, and he's started pestering me, asking if I want cuppas & excuses to come into my room. dont think he can bear that Ive suddenly switched off. I feel so much lighter as well. think im finally realising that it'd be easier to be alone than be constantly in fear he's doing something he shouldnt or leaving again.

I'm not saying I'm making any rash decisions, but I am putting myself first & looking after me. He wanted the separation, so he can have it. i'm not going to keep pandering to try & get affection from him, or getting ripped to shreds when he upsets me.

so hopefully this time tomorrow, we will know whats happening with mum. will keep you updated. x

Mojisola

pebbles88 wrote: »

I'm actually going to put a complaint in writing in once mum is settled.

Mum has really been throwing the guilt bombs on me this week, stating she'll give me all her pension if she can stay here & that she'll ok the carers coming in 4 times daily. Have said that even with that, it would be too much for me. which she does understand, well sometimes anyway.

sister as useless as normal. But im past caring

well something finally clicked. i just realised I cant spend the rest of my life in fear of him walking or hiding stuff or texting random girls just because he needs the attention for his self esteem. He's often said that he feels i have to find him attractive or have s*x just cos we are married. whereas random bints dont have too.

So TBH I have been rather dismissive since then, and he's started pestering me, asking if I want cuppas & excuses to come into my room. dont think he can bear that Ive suddenly switched off. I feel so much lighter as well. think im finally realising that it'd be easier to be alone than be constantly in fear he's doing something he shouldnt or leaving again.

I'm not saying I'm making any rash decisions, but I am putting myself first & looking after me. He wanted the separation, so he can have it. i'm not going to keep pandering to try & get affection from him, or getting ripped to shreds when he upsets me.

Wonderful post! Look how strong you've been to do act like that - and I'll bet it feels good.