Family breakdown - never mind just being DH!

Mojisola

pebbles88 wrote: »

Friday was really bad day, horrid at work, just manic, felt ill, mum had a go at me, then on way home saw they were holding blood donor at church near me, thought i'd pop in only to be told they couldnt take it as i failed the drop test thing, walked home with tears in my eyes feeling like no body wanted me.

Have you seen your GP about this? If you're anaemic on top of everything else you're coping with, no wonder you're struggling.

This could be one thing that relatively easily sorted out and would help you cope better with everything else.

pebbles88

Well an update as promised.

Been carp few days. Been really lethargic & fuzzyheaded. I’m not anaemic, but the inflammation markers in my blood have jumpedreally high again (I have an auto immune disease that attacks my connectivetissues), docs advice to just to try & rest, my condition is more to manageit properly as there isn’t a cure.

I haven’t been looking after myself; only meal I’ve beeneating is lunch at work, sometimes a sandwich, or toast/bagels with bit ofpeanut butter & banana. Rest of time just grabbing snacks, or crackers. SoI know that hasn’t helped. I just can’t be faffed! I will try better though

Mums still in the home, awaiting dst meeting/assessment tosee what nursing care is/if needed. Sw thinks it’s a given she’ll come out asneeding the care.

Mum keeps asking to come home, saying she’ll get carers inmore, but I’ve said that won’t make one bit of difference as she’ll still wantme to do everything, like making all her food & then the carers just takingit to her. Just like last time as nobody makes anything properly for her apartfrom me!

She’s so demanding, not nastily, but is still ringing g me3or 4 times a night, despite me asking her not to. The best one is when sherings me when she goes to sleep to say goodnight, regardless of time, and doesn’tcare if she wakes me up! She’ll ring to make sure I get home ok, despite measking not to (I am 32 !!!!!!), but then she’ll ring anyway using some ridiculousexcuse like her dressings need changing – what does she want me to do....gochange them for her rather than her asking the care home staff!

We had a chat last night about these things. I’ve admittedto her that I can’t bear how she still wants her own way over everything, andthat she won’t even try to meet a happy compromise or meet a middle ground. Sherants & raves over the tiniest thing, if I have a diff opinion she takes itas an attack on her, won’t look at me when she talking to me, and no matterwhat anyone says to try & help, she just says no to everything, she hatesthe way things are, but won’t do anything herself to help. She’s sufferingreally bad wind at the moment, I’ve suggested cycling her legs a bit to get themuscles in tummy moving, virtually screamed at me that she couldn’t possibly dothat as people would see...I said well close the door , no can’t do that, hatesthe door closed, won’t use the en suite toilet in her room as its too small& claustrophobic (its bigger than ours at home), won’t eat any meals in thelunch rooms cos she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, but then complains she’slonely.. She wants everyone else to fix things & make her happy. But I can’tcarry on being everything to her, I’m 32, but feel 82. I’m so so unhappy and soworn out. I’m sorry this has turned into a rant more than anything.

DH has moved back in, but to spare room & sep lives,purely for money reasons. I don’t know how I feel about it. I’m just tired ofthinking all the time. It feels so strange to have him back in the house aswell.

I’m going to a friends tonight, she’s just got engaged, and I’msuper hppy for her. So hopefully will put a smile on my face.
Whydoes everything have to be so hard all the time. L

CH27

Switch your phone off or make it go straight to answephone.

Speak to her when you want to.

anguk

I'm sorry you're still having a difficult time with your mum. If you've asked her not to ring all the time and she still does I would switch it off at night, maybe give her a quick ring before you go to bed then switch your phone off. Get a cheapy mobile phone, give the number to the care home for emergencies but don't give the number to your mum. That way you can be contacted in an emergency but your mum can't ring you all the time.

It is very hard being a carer for a loved one, sometimes they don't realise how self-centered they can be, especially if they're not able to get out and about, they do sometimes forget that you also have a life and things to do. My SIL ended up not speaking to her mother for a few months because she just came to the end of her tether. Her mum expected her to be at her beck and call at all times, rarely said please or thank you, she just expected everything and took my SIL for granted. She loved being centre of attention and also liked the sympathy she got, she would make it sound like she was just left all day with no help! But we knew my poor SIL was being run ragged, it also didn't matter how much help anyone else gave her, including me, she expected and wanted SIL to do everything.

Eventually it all came to a head, SIL told her mum a few home truths and walked out. Of course MIL painted her as the nasty uncaring daughter and told anyone who would listen but eventually she realised the pressure she'd put on her. After a few months SIL started helping again and MIL eased off.

pebbles88

Yes, def self centred, just dropped something off to her, told her I couldn't stay as was going to friends (which we talked bout yesterday) as dh was in car driving, & I hadn't told her, ( we were actually gelding to get burger from macd's before I went)

So she's just rang & asked why id lied to her & really upset her.

Snapped & said about the quick burger before I left, and that as a 32 yr old I certainly didn't have to tell every little thing.

She can't bear my attention not being on her

skypie123_2

Yorkie1 wrote: »

If, as has been accepted by everyone else on this thread, the OH has had to withdraw from the situation because of the toll which months and months of this has had on his mental health, it won't take only a "week or two to get his head straight". It takes 6+ weeks for medication to have a proper impact (if it is being prescribed).

Such a comment merely shows lack of understanding of how mental health issues work.

No it won't take a week or two to get his head straight.
But then neither will going out getting drunk with his mates and generally behaving like a single 20 something!
And for the record I probably understand MHI a lot more than you'd ever realise.

Yorkie1

You're probably not the only one on here that understands MHI either.

pebbles88

well i had a lovely evening with my friends, despite the last minute hitches

feel really tired now, not used to driving much! have just scoffed a little bag of ernie the elephant sweets from mr S - like a certain pig sweets, but much cheaper!

might sleep a bit better at least with someone else here, still have my hockey stick & a big spanner right next to my bed though!

goodnight my lovelies, wishing you all a happy bank hol weekend, just wrap up warm! it's currently zero degrees here!:eek:

jetplane

Hi pebbles I hope your lack of activity on here is because things are settling down for you

pebbles88

Hi Jetplane

Settlingdown, yes, nicely.....no.

Had mum homefor a few hours yesterday for lunch, was really really lovely, had a littlevisit to the local minimarket for a few bits, which doesn't sound exciting, butshe hasn't seen it since it changed! Popped into the chemist too, he said hello& that it was really nice to see her, so that cheered her up, especially ashe is a bit of a dish! I made a cottage pie, well; I’d done the mince weeks agoin a batch cook so just had the potatoes/mash to do. Was very nice even if I dosay so myself!

We had to cutthe visit a bit short as she was struggling with her pain so had to get her bkto the home for her meds.
Some of herclothes were too tight, which is great! Another weight off my mind is that atthe home she try’s more food than she would with me, so is prob getting a morevaried diet.
I felt thebalance was just right yesterday, & I hope to be able to do it more often, Ican cope for a few hours, don't get too overwhelmed & worn out IYKWIM?

Situationwith DH is poo to be honest. we had a good talk the other day, both with tears,he's admitted that when he walked, he felt he had too for his own health as hefelt that no one else was there to care for him.

I’ve said I don’tthink he realises just how hard it is to watch a parent go downhill healthwise. He is lucky enough to have both parents still (not together though). Ihope he doesn’t have to lose either of them for many many years. I only haveMum left, lost my Dad 20 yrs ago.

I said I havejust tried to make sure everyone is ok over the last few months, regardless ofhow it made me feel. I know I haven’t been able to give much of my time to him,but have always made sure he had his fave foods in, things I’ve made etc. andthat to me doing things like that are my way of showing how much I love him. Evenif I can’t physically be there. I’m currently reading the 5 love languages,going to ask DH to read it when I’m finished. Think I’m def the type that doesthings for the people I love.

I’ve askedhim to try & consider the situation reversed how he would feel if it washis mum/dad going downhill. And that as he has a large family that wouldwithout doubt step in & help, whereas I don't. As my siblings don’t give astuff tbh.

Things areawkward @ home; he admits he is being selfish, but that he feels he needs to for now. I’mjust carrying on day to day, we spend the odd bit of time together, watched a DVDlast night, although I'm ashamed to say I nodded off, which he wasn’t happyabout. I didn’t even feel sleepy! Laid down, put my head resting on his leg,next thing I know is him jumping up off the sofa at the end of the film. Iapologised, but don’t think it’s helped. Have sent him a text stating how muchI didn’t mean to, and that I am trying to show him that he is my focus at themoment.

Have also foundout that on the day he left he went & took out another mobile contract, he’sdenied it for weeks, saying he sent it back, but I saw it the other day in hispocket, he had shorts on that have cargo style pockets where it was hangingout, tried to make out it was his wallet....I knew straight away, asked why helied, he just said things were hard enough at the time, and couldn’t takeanother argument from me. Which really peed me off, as when I first found outhe might have taken one, I actually said well do you want another phone? Maybe wecan get him upgraded or whatever, to which he replied no as he wasn’t thatfussed.
I admit a fewyrs ago when I was going through a lot that I was snapping over any &everything. But he knows I haven’t been like that for years. It’s about time heremembered that as otherwise I’m fighting a losing battle.

He’s alsojust got another 2 watches, seems to be going through a buy things to cheerhimself up phase. As long as he makes sure he puts his share into the joint a/cfor bills then I don’t care. I have a little buffer in case he doesn’t to makesure the essentials get paid (he doesn't know this). Like mortgage etc, so I’ll be monitoring it. I reallydon’t like how he is behaving at the moment. I’m very aware that he can switchoff emotionally & be very hard; I know it’s a defence mechanism. I’m juststruggling with the fact he’s doing it to me as much at the moment until Imention it, then I get the normal DH coming through.

Reading back throughall of that, it’s obvious I’m confused. I’m sick of feeling as tired all the time, I’m sick of thinking about it all thetime. Ah well, time heals. Hopefully once we know what’s happening long termwith mum things might settle a bit. I don’t know what I want to happen, everything’sstill raw. oh well, i'll cope! :cool: