Family breakdown - never mind just being DH!

jetplane

Hi pebbles hope you're OK and are benefitting from your enforced, unwanted but much needed rest x

pebbles88

well its been a rollercoaster few days, my heads all over the place. Works been fantastic for me, and I've actually managed to catch up on so many piddly bits that Ive never had chance too for ages....like my leave chart for last year & early this year..... oops


Respite home have had to get GP out again for mum, been struggling with sickness again. She has seemed calmer since they have changed some of her meds & got her on the one for her heart. but on Thurs she really laid into me. Had started trying to get a reaction by plucking my heartstrings by saying how much she missed home, & the cats etc. i just said what I have been all along, that I had no idea what was going to happen as I really honest to god dont know

when that didn't get the reaction she wanted, she then started on how all of this had been a waste of time as DH hadnt even been at home much, to which my reply was, that tbh, I was glad not to have to worry about him at this moment in time as I'm struggling to look after just me, never mind any one else, and that the respite was about us all getting a much needed break.

she then went on just saying i need to realise how bad I am being cos i make her feel lonely & unwanted & that she wished she was dead. I broke down, explained how scared I was at how much she had deteriorated over the last 10 days (never mind the last 6 months) and that I was truly stumped on how the hell I would cope with her at home, as i leave at 8am, not back until 6pm most night and that she needed more care than carers coming in for brekkie & lunch. Her breathlessness has increased, she has to have blood pressure took before most of her meds now to make sure its not too low or her heartbeat is slowing etc. the doctors have even been talking about a do not resuscitate form or plan or something.

we had a good talk, and eventually we both understood, she is scared too.

i feel so cruel for this, but i don't feel like i can have her back, im terrified, for the first time in years, i actually feel like 'I' have a life, i might not be doing much with it at the moment. but thats 'my' choice. but I dont feel like I have a choice. I'm seeing the SW on weds. but i dont know how things will go, im going to tell her my worries, but dont wanna do that in front of mum.

I've realised & accepted that my sister won't change, ive begged, and all it got me was about 30 mins of visiting time. My brother lives too far away, and he's never asked if we need anything for years. so, rather than getting upset with them, im just not going to be bother. I dont have the emotional energy to keep fighting with them. I just want to find a way that allows Mums needs to be met, and hopefully allow me some form of freedom too


Friday was really bad day, horrid at work, just manic, felt ill, mum had a go at me, then on way home saw they were holding blood donor at church near me, thought i'd pop in only to be told they couldnt take it as i failed the drop test thing, walked home with tears in my eyes feeling like no body wanted me.


as for me & DH, saw him for a bit yest, I'd asked for the car so that I could go to my card class. He'd agreed, but as he was moving, said instead of me having the car, said he'd take me, and pick me up so he could still do his things.

on sat i came out the shower to a cuppa, had a nice chat before we left. told him that this time apart, and with mum in respite, I had realised I actually missed him, not the help he gives me with everything, or just having him there, but that I actually missed him & only him. told him that on Friday - watched a few films, and actually shoutedhim a few times with the bits he would like, then remembered he wasnt there....cried my self to sleep, although admit i had a few glasses of wine, so didnt take that long to conk out.

As we were leaving, said he wanted to pay for a taxi for me to come home as he wouldnt be able to pick me up cos he had so much to do. I declined as it would have cost a daft amount, got one of my classmates to drop me off in the town so I could get the bus. I was quite annoyed, as we had arranged me having the car a fortnight ago. I got completely soaked waiting for the bus, the seat i choose was below a leaking window that I hadnt noticed and it leaked onto my coat, didnt realise until my vest (my bottom layer) was soaked through. which made me nearly cry which is so stupid i know!

then found out this morning that he had gone to his friends late afternoon, sat down for a rest, then got drunk with= him and stayed over! which irked me as he said he couldnt pick me up as he was SSSOOO super busy!

not much point to my post, just feels good to get it out, sorry if ive bored you.

off to go see mum, have had 3 phone calls demanding I take her some jam tarts, I know i cant get them from the local shop, and i wasnt going into town just for that. So no doubt I will get shouted at. Wish me luck eh. x

Yorkie1

Just to say I hope it wasn't too bad at the care home, and that you have a better night's sleep.

CH27

Ring the SW & arrange to meet her privately before wednesday.
Tell her straight how you feel.

skypie123_2

Glad things are getting better for you. One day at a time!

I have to say I feel a bit annoyed with your OH at the way he is behaving. It's like he is having his cake and eating it. He has had enough time now IMHO to get his head straight and I think if it was me I would be asking him what his long term plans were. I am cross with him on your behalf for making you get the bus while he got drunk with his mate. It's like he is regressing. I think I would start being less available really. I know it isn't as easy as all that for you though but I feel he should be supporting you rather than just having a fun time.

Yorkie1

skypie123 wrote: »

Glad things are getting better for you. One day at a time!

I have to say I feel a bit annoyed with your OH at the way he is behaving. It's like he is having his cake and eating it. He has had enough time now IMHO to get his head straight and I think if it was me I would be asking him what his long term plans were. I am cross with him on your behalf for making you get the bus while he got drunk with his mate. It's like he is regressing. I think I would start being less available really. I know it isn't as easy as all that for you though but I feel he should be supporting you rather than just having a fun time.

If, as has been accepted by everyone else on this thread, the OH has had to withdraw from the situation because of the toll which months and months of this has had on his mental health, it won't take only a "week or two to get his head straight". It takes 6+ weeks for medication to have a proper impact (if it is being prescribed).

Such a comment merely shows lack of understanding of how mental health issues work.

pebbles88

Thanks yorkie,

I get why it seems that he is having his cake & eating it. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought that at times too.

Like tonight, he's coming over from work, to talk as the sw review is tomorrow. Have asked him to stay over, but he's said no as now he has got his own space, he JustS wants a bit of routine to his life.

He's started walking daily @ 6am, has lost a bit of weight, told him I've always found him attractive, regardless of weight.

Im just worn out thinking all the time. I'm scared to push him for anything.

JustinCredibleGillespie

I think the advice to make yourself less available will do the trick.

Give it a try

Glad your doing well Pebbles.

JCG

xx

jetplane

I think the advice to be less available is good. I think your husband is doing what he feels he needs to do to sort himself out. I think going for a walk is a good start to the day especially when you are depressed. He has gone ahead with the move and may have a minimum term agreement to live there. The point is, he is putting himself first, I'm not saying this is wrong but I think you should follow suit.

For what it's worth I think the incident with the car is unfair on you, he should have stuck to the agreement and this is where you have to step in. Do things for yourself first let him fit in with your plans. If he needs to rearrange, you don't have to oblige, if you need the car then he will have to get the bus. It may be some time before your husband makes any decisions and meanwhile you need to live for you.

You are stronger already, deal with this SW with confidence and determination, make sure it is what you want. By looking after yourself you will be more able to deal with whatever unfolds over the next few weeks. xx

quietheart

Hi Pebbles
I've been reading your thread from the start and think you are doing really well.
You may just be making it a bit easy for your husband to have his cake and eat it though.
I know you just want him back but I think if he saw you getting your life together, going out, having fun without him he'd have a lot more to think about. And i don't mean just do it to make him envious, do it for you and how he reacts will be telling.
Lots of luck