Family breakdown - never mind just being DH!

Yorkie1

Glad to hear that plans for your mum are now settled. Hope things become more settled with your OH soon.

CH27

Glad your mum is sorted. That will be a huge weight of your shoulders.

Hope things improve with OH soon.

pebbles88

hello,

well 1 week on after being in the new home, and a complete strop being thrown by mum just cos I was going out to a bbq yest, she rang 8 times even though she was aware I was getting ready to go out & was running late.

has put the phone down on me this morning saying to forget she phoned, forget she existed just because I wouldn't take her a bottle of her drink (martini type alcohol) she likes up, I took her a large bottle up on friday - shes gone through it all already. I said she really needs to be careful drinking as much (she been going through it like water last few weeks) with the meds she is on.

its her version of 'jump' & me normally saying 'how high' and she can't stand that I haven't, so is resorting to emotional blackmail, knowing that I worry when she is upset and normally try to do anything to cheer her up.

i'm actually quite angry that she has spoke to me how she did, and know that I don't have to stand for it. She's safe, being looked after, and perhaps me not bothering to go up to see her might make her realise that I won;t be pi**ed around now.

she has even started refusing food at the home, always tell me they dont give her enough food, yet saying to the staff at the time that she doesnt want stuff..... a game she used to play with me which normally resulted in me going well out of my way to find 'something' she would eat.... even if it meant a 20 mile round journey.

Rather surreal that I am angry rather than panicking over her. I never thought I would get to this stage, but I'm not going to be made to feel guilty or a bad daughter for tiny little things when I know fine well that I am not.

my sister has started coming out with all sorts of cack saying how this was engineered by OH just to get mum out of the house, she suddenly thinks she's an expert on mums feelings & saying how she knows how guilty mum feels re my break up & she didnt want her to feel any worse. !!!!!! would she know anyway!

she was the first person mum contacted this morning asking for her drink (i'd been rang asking to get lemonade only), as usual, she couldn't/wouldn't go, hence mum ringing me. Sister then texted me saying I 'had' to go as she coldn't.

Told her to leave it with me, then she followed it up with things along the line of... well she doesnt have anything else to do, so she 'must' drink to alleviate the boredom.

replied that she does have other things to do, she just wont. I also said that none of this about mum going into a home was without guilt & blame on all sides. and actually said if we had got a bit more support to begin with, things may have turned out differently. she really doesn't like that I have started standing my ground.

No its not nice that mum has had to go in there, it's not nice that my marriage is broken, but it's happened. whether sister likes it or not, her opinion means diddly squat to me, she lost the right to it when she continually refused to help me with anything with mum over the years, prefering to pretend that she is sssooo busy with everything else just cos she works full time, but somehow managed to fit in multiple gym glasses, shopping trips, days out etc etc. Yet woe betide if i want to do something for me!

Mojisola

pebbles88 wrote: »

its her version of 'jump' & me normally saying 'how high' and she can't stand that I haven't, so is resorting to emotional blackmail, knowing that I worry when she is upset and normally try to do anything to cheer her up.

i'm actually quite angry that she has spoke to me how she did, and know that I don't have to stand for it. She's safe, being looked after, and perhaps me not bothering to go up to see her might make her realise that I won;t be pi**ed around now.

Rather surreal that I am angry rather than panicking over her. I never thought I would get to this stage, but I'm not going to be made to feel guilty or a bad daughter for tiny little things when I know fine well that I am not.

No its not nice that mum has had to go in there, it's not nice that my marriage is broken, but it's happened. whether sister likes it or not, her opinion means diddly squat to me, she lost the right to it when she continually refused to help me with anything with mum over the years, prefering to pretend that she is sssooo busy with everything else just cos she works full time, but somehow managed to fit in multiple gym glasses, shopping trips, days out etc etc. Yet woe betide if i want to do something for me!

Stay strong! Look how much you've changed already. You would have been dashing round to her as fast as you could before and you would have felt awful after your sister had had a go at you.

pebbles88

Mojisola wrote: »

Stay strong! Look how much you've changed already. You would have been dashing round to her as fast as you could before and you would have felt awful after your sister had had a go at you.

thanks Mojisola,

Big (((HUGS))) to you. Have just replied on your other thread, Given what you are going through right now, makes my troubles pale in comparison. xxx

Mojisola

pebbles88 wrote: »

Given what you are going through right now, makes my troubles pale in comparison. xxx

I'm not sure about that. I've got lovely memories of my Mum and the whole family work together as a team, even though we're spread around a bit now.

I would really struggle with what you're going through so I'm glad to see you're finding your way out to a better place. The journey won't be easy but it will be worth it in the end.

jetplane

Hi pebbles you're so right not to give in to emotional blackmail. If I recall it was your mother refusing food while you were out that was the final straw in your marriage. Parents can be guilty of this sort of manipulation and even convince themselves that they are doing it for the 'best'. I suspect your mother realised a long time ago that it wasn't going to work with your sister and now that it's not working with you she is trying to get your sister on board.

Any more messages from your sister then just do what you're doing and tell her she can look after mum from now on because your having a break. Good luck, stay strong x

pebbles88

jetplane wrote: »

Hi pebbles you're so right not to give in to emotional blackmail. If I recall it was your mother refusing food while you were out that was the final straw in your marriage. Parents can be guilty of this sort of manipulation and even convince themselves that they are doing it for the 'best'. I suspect your mother realised a long time ago that it wasn't going to work with your sister and now that it's not working with you she is trying to get your sister on board.

Any more messages from your sister then just do what you're doing and tell her she can look after mum from now on because your having a break. Good luck, stay strong x

Thank JP,

trust me, she will fail with my sister, as she only cares about herself & my nephew. im just thankful im not made out of the same cloth.

today was the first time it hit me that whether I go or not to see mum, she isn't in any danger.

i eventually went up to see her though, she was still sulking, she i just said, either you can carry on like this, and it'll be a short sharp visit from me, or she can actually tell me what the problem is & enoy our time together.

Today I'm not talking any prisoners, i deserve more. x

Yorkie1

Good for you Pebbles :-)

pebbles88

well, latest gem from sis, mum should be allowed to drink, after all, its all she has if she's stuck in there all day..... there has been earlier sarcastic texts too, all focused around the fact that ive 'stuck' mum in there... I havent at one point said Mum shouldnt be able to have a drink, its just prudent to make sure it doesnt become too much for her body to cope with as well as the meds.

not bothering to reply, she's childish enough to carry on till the cows come home just to get the last word. Reality is, she doesnt have a bloomin clue about anything to do with mum. and is coming out with nonsense now to make her feel better, and to make sure its me that looks like the bad one to anyone that will listen to her.

particularly funny element .... "well if it was a problem surely the staff @ the home would say something....." She wouldnt know who the ones looking after mum are anyway, and cant quite grasp the fact that they're are registered nurses there 24/7 :rotfl:

if only she realised all the talk she comes out with, and offers of help or having mum over to hers for a bit, mean cack all if she never actually follows through with the actions......remember this is the daughter that said she'd only look after mum for an evening if me & DH went to my sil's 40th bday party if we got her a bottle of wine for doing so:rotfl: