prob with other halves attitude to my daughter compared to his kids

elvis86

Sounds to me like you allowed this man into your daughter's life (and into her home)too quickly, before you really knew him, and before you had established the approach you would take to your children and boundaries as to how household finances would be managed etc.

It was your responsibility to do this. IMO, when you have a child you lose the right to impulsively move a man into your home on a whim.

Now he's treating your daughter like a second-class citizen in her own home, and her mother is standing by and letting him because "I love him", "DD loves him". It's too easy to justify your failings as a mother by hiding behind your "love" for this man. As someone else said, shame on you.

There is absolutely no way that I would ever allow myself to end up in a situation where I'm dependant on a partner's permission to buy batteries for my child's toys.

If a woman wants to put herself in this position with a man, fair enough. But how can you allow the needs of your daughter to be put in the hands of a man who begrudges her a packet of batteries?!:eek:

Caroline73_2

Seriously, put your daughter first.

How come money was magicked from somewhere for the batteries? Don't you know how much money there is or isnt?

I doubt your daughter loves him, she's probably saying what she thinks you want to hear.

FatVonD

OP, have you actually seen him give his ex £50 per week? Could he be lying? That's the only thing that would make sense (to me) of him not wanting her to know what you're spending.

olibrofiz

OP, regardless of what a wonderful man you say your OH is I think he hasn't actually come to terms with the break up from his ex - he's trying to please her, at the expense of you, your relationship, and your DD. He's afraid his ex will pull him up on any 'treats' you as a couple, or your DD has, and it's really NONE of her business. He really needs to get his head sorted.

He needs to treat his kids, and your DD,the same - if he can't afford for your DD to do/get something, he can't afford it for his kids either. A walk in the park, lots of love and cuddles, they're free. The way things are now he's doing untold damage to your DD

I was a stepmum, always 4th behind the kids and ex-wife. It eventually drove a wedge. Stand up to him, don't let that happen if you truely want your relationship to work. Best of luck.

FBaby

If money is such an issue (as really, that's where the difference in treatment mainly seems to be), why can't you work out your budget so you both have your own diposable income once the bills are paid. You work, so surely you are entitled to spend some of your money as you want. This way, you can buy your daugther what you want, and he buys his kids what he wants and you agree on what you pay jointly if you all go out together.

jetplane

You asked how you could turn this situation around but as elvis86 has said when you have a child, you really need to discuss these things up front. I think all couples should discuss finances, children etc before moving in but it's especially important with step families. I don't know how long he has been seperated from his ex and children but it's at least 17 month and he's not going to put his foot down with her now is he?

I have a friend whose step children are now in their 20's but before she moved in with her partner, about 10 years ago, he made it clear that his children were his priority and his ex was also high on his list as she was the mother of his children and therefore had his support. He would never see them do without, no matter how badly she handled her money or how many holidays she had. He insisted that they have a room in their house which was for his children to stay whenever they wanted.

Her teenage son lives with them and although they holiday together, fish together, do homework and play on the xbox etc, her partner has never took on the 'dad role' nor would he ever dictate or decide what her son could have/do or not as the case may be. He might not agree and she often hasn't, they have had quite a few disagreements over their respective step children but they knew the ground rules before they moved in.

[QUOTE =southerngal;52216909 I couldnt just go out and get my dd batteries as we couldnt afford it at the time ( very true ) ...... but as soon as his kids wanted them apparently we could magic the money from somewhere.

Who decided that you couldn't afford it for your child but could for his children?

And its all the pandering ( as someone called it ) that he does to the ex ......

When you take on a step family you take on the children and the ex for better or worse. If its all bad and all one way you need to get out of the situation.

I'm not bothered by her doing any of these things as we have a beautiful home with all mod cons and a great car ............

and yet you can't afford batteries?

I'm just bothered by the constant manipulation ...... and him not being able to stand up to her,

You should be more bothered by the constant manipulation of you and your daughter...... and you not being able to stand up to him,
[/QUOTE]

OMG how many times do we tell our children not to keep secrets especially when adults ask them to keep quiet. What are you teaching your daughter?

I think I missed how old she is but she can she really love this man, you haven't known him that long yourself? Your daughter needs to learn that for someone to be worthy of your love you have to trust them and they have to respect you.

Your daughter will learn by your example.