prob with other halves attitude to my daughter compared to his kids

FBaby

emma12345 wrote: »

Just a thought (and I might be way off the mark) but is he worried that the ex might start claiming maintenance through the CSA if she thinks you are able to afford to go out and spend money, that might be why he wants to keep things quiet? Is OH paying the correct maintenance amount so is this something he could be worried about?

This came to my mind too. Could it be that he isn't contributing privately what he would under the csa? That would explain some of his behaviour.

You still haven't mentioned whether you are working or not. I think this matter is of importance to decide whether your partner is being totally unreasonable or not. If you are not working and he is supporting you and your daughter completely, he might consider that he is already contributing largely towards your daughter and is actually spending more on her than on his own children, hence the guilt and desire to treat them as a priority?

Chr1s

Hi Southerngal, what horrid situation to be in.

One of my sons took on 2 step children at the age of 20. One was 5 and the other 3. They experienced similar problems in regards to the way my daughter in law felt he was treating her children. Although he had no biological children at the time, he would choose to put his friends before the children e.g. going out clubbing, spending 4/5 days a week with his mates, not being as supportive towards the children as he could be etc. However when it came to the children needing something my son would say to his girlfriend we can’t afford it (although he would think nothing of spending £30/50 every time he went out with his mates!). After hearing about this from his girlfriend over a period of 3 months, my wife and I took it upon ourselves to tell him to grow up or leave as he was at risk of hurting the children and his girlfriend. The fact is we knew that our son loved the children and all he needed was telling straight rather than being gentle about it, as his girlfriend had been. It took a month or so but it did the trick. This was almost 8 years ago, he has since officially adopted them, got married and had a further 2 children of their own and to cap it all they have created one of the most wonderful family I know.

If you’re scared about telling him how you’re feeling or of his reaction when you do tell him (as we know how emotional things can become), do you have anyone else who could sit with you so that you have moral support? Failing that if relationships between the in-laws are good then why not involve them. He may be angry at first, but hopefully he will realise how bad things must be for you to have to go to somebody else in order to get your point across to him. I don’t think you should automatically end the relationship without telling him straight what the problems are and how they are affecting you and your daughter. As stupid as it sounds maybe he just hasn’t noticed how his attitude is affecting you both or even listened, not heard, to what you have been saying (I am often accused by the wife of not noticing/listening to things!). Speak to him straight, lay your cards on the table and let him know in no uncertain terms that your daughter deserves to at least be treated the same way he treats his biological children. You however, as his ex does, are free to be as indulgent as you want when it comes to your daughter.

I understand that you and your daughter love him, but if he doesn’t change, you really do owe it to your child (even if you don’t care about yourself) to maybe think about moving on. I am fortunate in the fact that my wife and I have been together for 28 years, so therefore I have never been a single parent. I have however witnessed many mums and a few dads who struggle to bring up children alone, so I know it‘s not going to be easy, but it does get easier and eventually it becomes normal, as I‘m sure you already know. Making the decision to make changes for your daughters sake as soon as possible would be the best for her, and believe me once you are free to treat your daughter the way you want, and once your daughter can smile, laugh and talk freely about the things she has done and enjoys doing, you will within time realise that you made the right decision.

I wish all the best for you, your daughter and for whatever the future holds.

paddy's_mum

On what basis can this man justify treating you and your child as second rate citizens, in whatever form his discrimination takes?

Do you, yourself, not realise that you are building a mountain of trouble and unhappiness for yourself .. there will come a day when your child lays her entire sense of injustice and resentment at your feet. Will this "lovely man" who won't even discuss a deadly serious issue with you seem worth it if you lose your child, her love, involvement in her life, grandchildren ..? You may love him but what kind of selfish, irrational, deaf-on-purpose man treats children with such cruel inequality?

In my opinion, by far the biggest problem you face is that he is absolutely determined not to hear nor consider your views which, let me tell you, are far from unreasonable. Bluddy-mindedness is a death dealer to relationships and the sooner he realises that, the more chance you have of making things work.

Perhaps it's time you told him that stubborn determination to have things only one's own way is a quick route to disaster. He's in a hole already and needs to stop digging it even deeper. Where does he go if he loses you?

He's a fool and I pity the poor little girl who is the victim of his illogical and dictatorial thinking. Good luck and I hope so much that we have made you stop and think.

POPPYOSCAR

DVardysShadow wrote: »

I have never been near this situation, so I write from ignorance.

But it is not beyond imagination that OP and partner could have another child - whom OP's partner would treat better. Under the same roof. Not good.

Really, this should not be about putting one child above another in a household of scarce resources. It is about treating each child correctly despite scarce resources.

I was thinking the same.

thegirlintheattic

southerngal wrote: »

I could just up and leave him but then I also think that my dd would be heart broken if I did that as she really loves him ..... he has walked out over one of these situations before only for an hour or so ... and she broke her heart .... I want to fix it ........ not hurt my dd

Yet your DD is being hurt every time she is treated like a second class citizen and is likely to grow up feeling that is all she deserves in life.

You need to think of the big picture for your DD. It's like taking kids for jabs or forcing them to miss football so they do their homework - they don't like it in the short term but in the long term it's better for them.

anguk

It's a tricky situation. On one hand posters are saying quite rightly that the OP should put her daughter first but then the husband is being slated because he is putting his children first. Step families can be difficult but I believe that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of who is the parent.

The thing that would concern me is the husband pandering to the ex, as long as he is paying maintenance for his children the exes finances are no concern of his. Just as your finances are no concern of the ex. If you want out go out for dinner and can afford it you go out, why on earth should he be worrying about his ex finding out?

I also wonder why the OP is waiting for him to buy batteries for her daughter, why doesn't she just buy them? Does the guy have full control of the finances and dictate what can be spent and when?

BugglyB

It sounds like your partner has a huge amount of guilt about his children and his ex. Did he leave them? Is he the reason they are living on benefits? Sorry if you've already gone over this...

CH27

BugglyB wrote: »

It sounds like your partner has a huge amount of guilt about his children and his ex. Did he leave them? Is he the reason they are living on benefits? Sorry if you've already gone over this...

I asked pretty much the same thing yesterday & didn't get an answer.

paddy's_mum

The OP must wish she'd never asked!

My hope is that she comes to see that it is unlikely that we are all mistaken in our assessments of the situation she describes. Many, if not most, of us are mothers and/or stepmothers ourselves and perfectly well aware of the dynamics of family living.

What worries me the most is that a young girl is being ordered to keep quiet about what ought to be the day to day activities, events and treats of normal family life. That's quite a burden to place on young shoulders.

Demanding secrecy like this cannot be healthy and I find this aspect of the man's conduct very unsettling. If he was to treat all the children with complete even-handedness, there would be no upset, no trouble and above all, no need to keep anything hidden.

aliasojo

anguk wrote: »

It's a tricky situation. On one hand posters are saying quite rightly that the OP should put her daughter first but then the husband is being slated because he is putting his children first.

No, you're wrong. That is most definitely not the case.

He's being slated because he's not being fair.

These children are all the same, they have the same childish wants and feelings despite having different blood running through their veins.

He may have stronger ties or feelings towards his own flesh and blood but any reasonable adult would accept being told their actions would cause hurt to a kid and do all they could to balance things up a bit.

Not shout the situation down.