prob with other halves attitude to my daughter compared to his kids

delain

I agree with fbabys post... We have a step family and yes oh and I do have some differing views on parenting and he might have a bit of a sulk if I pull him up on it and not apologise but he does change whatever was the problem, as long as it gets sorted out I don't need him to grovel.

I do wonder about your finances... Do you have to ask him for money? That's worrying! OH and I work things out together, and if I want to take my older 3 (who aren't 'his') in the evening or whatever he will stay home with the babies and we go out with his blessing as long as we can afford it.

It's not always ideal, but step families can be tricky. Two of mine have special needs that cause them to have some rather disgusting habits, that is really our only problem, that and DD1s answering back... She does tend to fall back on 'well you just don't love me' when she's in trouble, though its just getting better now. Children are not silly, ops daughter is probably reacting to all the tension in the house and being upset by that.

If they need little things like socks or whatever I just buy them myself... I wouldn't put myself in a position where I have to ask for every penny, been there, done that, never doing it again.

Seanymph

From the OP's post though - which is what you have to base your response on - it's not about 'fair' it's about 'control.'

Her OH is very controlling, she allows him to be.

southerngal

Hey all, some good constructive posting on here and I take all answers on board ....... first let me say that dd does not have a dad in her life and no I do not recieve maintainance for her ........ and tbh its not about the money as such ....... oh's kids and ex could travel round the world if they so chose and it seriously wouldnt bother me ..... what annoys me is that she pleads poverty all the time and this in turn makes my oh feel guilty as as he puts it ....... " if she's struggling ..... the kids will suffer " so then he's in guilt mode and I think this leads to not wanting my dd to talk about her stuff so it dosnt upset them if they are suffering ..... iyswim ......
I mean one night we were due to go out for a special occasion and someone she knows was coming too, we had a tiny budget to do this on and also hadnt been out for 4 months prior to that ........ but the ex had been once again pleading poverty, so the decision was made by him that we could not go out because it might get back to her that we had enough money to go out and enjoy ourselves ......... as I said I really dont care what she has ........ its when we have to hide anything nice we do that may involve spending cash ...... for fear of annoying the oh's ex ........... so its not just my dd thats not supposed to talk this affects our social life to ........... Its the guilt trip she puts on him ....... I've tried to talk to him about it and reassure him that his kids are not suffering, hence all the things they do and I have also tried to tell him its us that it is in dire straits ........ hence why I find myself here ........... I have been lurking here a while now and have picked up a good many tips and have been slowly sorting ourselves out financially due to this site, ..... my point was we survive and eat well etc on our budget ....... so why cant she ....... he does not need to feel guilty ......
I too take on board that someone said he does not want his kids going home being told of ....... but my issue is that dd see's the double standards ........ and it makes me cross when he says to her or me for that fact if my ds did this they would get treated the same way ......... when we both have seen this is just not so ........ and anytime I approach him on anything even remotely saying I am not happy about any of this, he immediately gets angry and when I try to reason with him, he says its his problem and he will deal with it ....... and no more is allowed to be said ........
But I think some of you have missed that when these issues arnt around he is actually a very lovely man ...........
I was just hoping that someone would be able to give me advice on how to deal with the situation, yes I could just up and leave him but then I also think that my dd would be heart broken if I did that as she really loves him ..... he has walked out over one of these situations before only for an hour or so ... and she broke her heart .... I want to fix it ........ not hurt my dd

aliasojo

southerngal wrote: »

........ and anytime I approach him on anything even remotely saying I am not happy about any of this, he immediately gets angry and when I try to reason with him, he says its his problem and he will deal with it ....... and no more is allowed to be said ........


But I think some of you have missed that when these issues arnt around he is actually a very lovely man ...........

Depends on what is important to you, doesn't it.

I'm sure he is a lovely man at other times. Times that don't involve serious issues maybe? We can all be lovely at those times. I don't think any of us think he's an out an out ogre across the board.

Those times don't count I'm afraid. It's how you deal with the serious stuff in life that counts. Neither you nor he are dealing with it properly and your daughter will be the one that pays.

You seem to value the times he is a lovely man, above those times when your daughter is reduced to second best.

You reap what you sow. Do something about it now before she gets older. If you let this continue, it will be even harder to do anything about.

Next time he gets angry, stand your ground. Calmly tell him he can rant and rave as much as he wants but you and he need to talk about this as it IS a serious problem.

burnoutbabe

can you try typing in paragraphs and without all the ........... its honestly very hard to read your post with them all in.

you just need to stand up to him, and buy stuff for your daughter if needed. how long have you been together, you don't need to have all linked money, if he chooses to spend all his on his kids, well so be it, you spend your money on your kid without any guilt.

And treat her to whatever treats you want, without caring if the ex hears about it or not. He won't change, you have to change things.

POPPYOSCAR

I understand all you are saying but you cannot live like this.

No one can come along with an answer of how to fix this for you.He simply has to realise that you cannot continue to live your lives around 'what the ex might think'.It is down to you I am afraid to make this happen or put up with it.

You cannot worry that he might leave, what kind of basis is that for a relationship anyway?

It is up to you to be stronger and firmer and make him see that this is not how you want to live and in fact you will not live like it.

As someone else has said you are storing up all kinds of problems for the future. Your daughter may very well grow up resenting him and his children when she is older, and then you may be back on here asking for advice on how to make them all get along!

scooby088

It's easy for posters saying leave him, easy thing to say when you're not in the situation, I come from this as a point of view of a man, His kids come first and quite rightly too, for him your child is of secondary importance to his own biological children, harsh thing to say but true he will always see it this way. There are people on this forum that would slag him off if he gave your daughter everything and not his own biological children anything, it's just circumstances think you really need to declare the 50 per week though. Sorry i haven't really added anything constructive, but i do hope things can be sorted.

emma12345

southerngal wrote: »

I mean one night we were due to go out for a special occasion and someone she knows was coming too, we had a tiny budget to do this on and also hadnt been out for 4 months prior to that ........ but the ex had been once again pleading poverty, so the decision was made by him that we could not go out because it might get back to her that we had enough money to go out and enjoy ourselves .........

Just a thought (and I might be way off the mark) but is he worried that the ex might start claiming maintenance through the CSA if she thinks you are able to afford to go out and spend money, that might be why he wants to keep things quiet? Is OH paying the correct maintenance amount so is this something he could be worried about?

Also any money he is paying ex for maintenance unofficially won't count if she goes to the CSA as there will be no proof he's paid, so it may be time to think about making everything official to protect himself and his new family.

southerngal wrote: »

yes I could just up and leave him but then I also think that my dd would be heart broken if I did that as she really loves him ..... he has walked out over one of these situations before only for an hour or so ... and she broke her heart .... I want to fix it ........ not hurt my dd

The above REALLY annoys me as it is a form of control. My sort of OH used to do this, walking out, leaving a note and leaving my son devastated and curled up on the sofa when he found out. I remember the feeling that you would do anything to change the situation and make it right for your child so understand where you are coming from. In the long term I wish I could be helpful and find an answer to this form of control, I never did. If it didn't affect your children you would tell them to go within a second. However when your child desperately wants them there despite their behaviour, I don't know what the answer is but I feel for you.

DVardysShadow

scooby088 wrote: »

It's easy for posters saying leave him, easy thing to say when you're not in the situation, I come from this as a point of view of a man, His kids come first and quite rightly too, for him your child is of secondary importance to his own biological children, harsh thing to say but true he will always see it this way. There are people on this forum that would slag him off if he gave your daughter everything and not his own biological children anything, it's just circumstances think you really need to declare the 50 per week though. Sorry i haven't really added anything constructive, but i do hope things can be sorted.

I have never been near this situation, so I write from ignorance.

But it is not beyond imagination that OP and partner could have another child - whom OP's partner would treat better. Under the same roof. Not good.

Really, this should not be about putting one child above another in a household of scarce resources. It is about treating each child correctly despite scarce resources.

Mojisola

It sounds as if he has gone into another relationship too quickly. He hasn't worked out in his own mind how to manage the separated relationship. He is allowing his ex to manipulate him.

Any child maintenance money he gives his ex will not impact on her benefits so she may have another reason for insisting on it being hidden.

As he will have no proof that he has paid anything, she could start a CSA claim. It won't be backdated but it could lead to him having to pay twice for a period.

I would not let the current situation go on. For the daughter's sake, if nothing else, it needs changing.