prob with other halves attitude to my daughter compared to his kids

leanneq

My first reaction is the OP has only been with this man a year. It appears that this relationship has gone far too quick. There are children involved on both sides, who appear to have been involved with the new partner quickly too.
I'm surprised that you are financially dependent on this man already anyway. I'm not saying I agree with his behaviour but the fact is, it's still a new relationship and his children will always be his priority.
Do you work? Do you bring money into the household or rely solely on him?

duchy

I've always felt that if you move in with someone who already has children you are not just with your partner but also forming a new family and any children in that new family are entitled to be treated the same as any other children. I do think often couples move in together too quickly and before the dynamics are there to fully create a new family. I feel for this poor little girl -her Mum is trying to please this man and create a family dynamic but this man simply hasn't fully let go of his previous family and is trying too hard to please/placate his former wife. He cannot be a full functioning partner in this relationship until he has let of of the last partner-by putting her wants and reactions before those of his new family he's damaging the new one and hurting the OPs daughter. Her Mum is obviously trying to please -but she's showing her daughter that the way to make a relationship work isn't to have an equal relationship but to be a doormat. It's not a lesson I'd want any daughter of mine to learn.

paddy's_mum

duchy wrote: »

any children in that new family are entitled to be treated the same as any other children

Precisely. :T

Not allowed, granted or permitted but ENTITLED!

FBaby

any children in that new family are entitled to be treated the same as any other children

I agree with this, but this is the joint responsibility of the couple to make sure that is the case, not purely his. If OP had such an issue with his kids getting batteries and not her DD, why didn’t she go and buy them herself? OP seems to expect her partner to consider her DD (who he has only been living with for 12 months) like his own children, which is not fair on him. However, together, they should make arrangements so that all children could be considered fairly. Back to the same question which OP hasn’t answered, is she herself contributing financially to the household, because if she isn’t then he IS already contributing towards her daughter, maybe more all together than he is for his own children and any extra treat could come from herself.

tea_lover

I know it's a small issue out of many but what really stands out for me is the batteries for your DD. Why didn't you just buy some for her? Are you not allowed to spend £8 on your own child without the permission of someone you've only known for a year? That's the part that worries me.

Dasa

I am a step mum and mum and I do my best to treat them all the same.
Surely when you become a partnership with someone everything is shared - including your children? Thats what being in a partnership means for me.

FBaby

tea_lover wrote: »

I know it's a small issue out of many but what really stands out for me is the batteries for your DD. Why didn't you just buy some for her? Are you not allowed to spend £8 on your own child without the permission of someone you've only known for a year? That's the part that worries me.

I agree, but I don't think that is the issue for OP. She states in her first post that she had suggested it for her daughter and he had agreed. The issue seems to be that OP didn't go and buy them for whichever reason, but got cross that her partner ended up buying them for his children that one time. It seems that either he forgot that she had mentioned it for her daughter, or he might have thought she had already bought them for her.

I think there is a difference between working as a partnership and being fair and expecting someone to feel towards your own child the same way you feel for your own after you've been together for such a short time, when each have been used to consider their own children only for a number of years.

southerngal

Hi all, sorry not been able to get to pc to follow up, firstly yes I do work, oh and I have been together 17months yes we moved in quite quickly but nevertheless ..... in my opinion all children have the right to be treated equally and he says he does treat my dd the same ......

its when I point out that it seems unfair that as soon as his kids want something its ok, but the minute my dd wants something ... the answer is money is tight .......

I couldnt just go out and get my dd batteries as we couldnt afford it at the time ( very true ) ...... but as soon as his kids wanted them apparently we could magic the money from somewhere.

I think more the issue for me is that his kids never seem go without but my dd is always being told that we cant afford it !! and unfortunately we usually cant !! but when we can then she is supposed to not mention any treats ....... as in the example, of taking dd to mcdonalds but asking her not to mention this as his kids would of wanted us to take them ......

my dd has been to Mcdonalds prob twice in the last year but his kids go every week at least .........

And its all the pandering ( as someone called it ) that he does to the ex ...... he admits she is rubbish with money ....... she is always moaning to him that she has none and the kids need this and that yet she gets over £300 pw in benefits and even works a few hours on the side to get extra .... and guess who looks after his kids whilst she does that ...... us !!

problem is she lies to him, always saying that they have messed up her benefits etc, theres always an excuse, when I try to point that she is lying as the benefits agency dont just keep recalculating unless you have a change of circumstances, he then says I'm just being anti her and she's not lying because she's not like that !!

She knows how to push his buttons, there are so many other excuses, but its funny how someone who has no money for the kids has managed to in the last 6 months buy a car for £2000, go on holiday and decorate the whole downstairs of her house, I'm not bothered by her doing any of these things as we have a beautiful home with all mod cons and a great car ............

I'm just bothered by the constant manipulation ...... and him not being able to stand up to her, we manage on our money, she should be able to manage on hers ..... and he should not put restrictions on my daughter doing or having things in case the ex or his kids find out .

neneromanova

How can you stand being second best to his ex?! I couldn't and wouldn't let my OH treat me the way yours does. He'd be out the door if he treated my children differently (One's his, one isn't)

But with the replies you are saying it looks like you don't want to listen to what people are telling you, you have just come on here for "oh poor you" responses and not willing to listen to reason.

What you are basically teaching your Daughter is that a man can treat you like !!!! but it's ok if you love the person...

What's to say that you break up with him, then 6 months, a year, 2 years etc down the line you meet a wonderful man who treats you like you SHOULD be treated. Don't just stay with this guy because you're scared financially or emotionally of being alone.

delain

There are 5 children in my house and we have dsd (10) who lives with her mum, she is the only child in her house so its easier for her mum to do things with her and she has her own extended family (as do my children) and when they get together (which isn't as often as I'd like, and dsd is moving away soon) there's no jealousy at all... They talk about what they've been doing like any other kids?

I think a lot of this 'oh they'll be upset/jealous they weren't invited' is in.your OHs head.

And that with the ex is just weird.

If OH and I were to split and he met someone with a child then that child would be family to mine as well and certainly not stopped from doing things on our account, and if I was the op's OHs ex and I got wind of all this I would be telling him not to be so flipping stupid

Also would say that if he won't change or you won't make him you will have to think about what you want for you and DD, obviously we don't have the whole story here.