prob with other halves attitude to my daughter compared to his kids

shellsuit

The other children all have Mummy and Daddy looking out for them, treating them, taking them out etc, yet your daughter only has you looking out for her, as your OH doesn't seem interested and you're not even sticking up for her.

Is that fair?! I'm sorry but it's about time you put your foot down with this.

Do you really love a man who treats your own daughter second class?!

I wouldn't and couldn't do that. I have 3 children, 2 are my ex's, the youngest is my husbands but they ALL get treated exactly the same, even though there is a large age difference between them.

If my husband wanted to treat our little one different to the older 2, I wouldn't stand for it.

the_cat

Who left who in their split?

It sounds as if he still carries a torch for her tbh. Or is so consumed by the guilt of splitting the family unit that he wants to overcompensate.

Either way, your and your daughters needs and wants still come second to his children AND his ex. It's not a situation I would be prepared to put up with!

If you choose to for yourself, then that's up to you but you don't have the right to choose that for your daughter. She deserves her mother to put her and her needs before any other relationship and you really must insist on the fairness issue in the family, if you do not want her to grow up resentful and bitter that she was a second class citizen in her own family and that you, her mother, sat back and let it happen.

If he won't be fair, then for DD's sake you shouldn't be with him

POPPYOSCAR

I agree with all of the above posts.

You know what is right, you are not happy, he has to change.

I know what I would do in the circumstances as I could just not live my life like that and would certainly not continue to allow my daughter to suffer this way.

dundeediva

OP, please leave him. Your dd deserves soooooo much more. I was in this position as a child. It was all fine at the start then I couldn't get things, then my sister then brother came along and I was treated like a piece of poop on his shoe! It' not fair. You will look back in several months/years and realise this is the best thing you could ever do. I wouldnt be surprised if your dd is saying she's happy just for your sake. You have to leave or she'll start hating you. Some things are more important than being with someone. Your dd is priority number1.

aliasojo

southerngal wrote: »

I'm just bothered by the constant manipulation ...... and him not being able to stand up to her,.....

..... and he should not put restrictions on my daughter doing or having things in case the ex or his kids find out .

That's it in a nutshell.

So what are you going to do about it?

Getting it off your chest on here is one thing, but that wont help you in real life.

You've got 3 choices I think.

You need to force him to listen to you so you can work together to make changes.

You accept that the way you live just now is not healthy for your daughter and you move on without him.

You do nothing much and put up with the knowledge your choice will negatively affect her self esteem in the long term and you will be more responsible for that than he will.

It's easy for us to all chat about what we'd do. Real life is always so much harder, especially when tough choices are involved.

I'm sure he loves you but I'm also sure he doesn't love you enough. If he did, he wouldn't need told how unfair he is being, he would automatically want to do right by you and your girl. The fact he puts you in 2nd place in his mind, just proves that.

Good luck. Life sucks sometimes. Just when you think you've got settled, life throws you a curveball to show you you're not.

Mrs.W_2

southerngal wrote: »

...
I was just hoping that someone would be able to give me advice on how to deal with the situation, yes I could just up and leave him but then I also think that my dd would be heart broken if I did that as she really loves him ..... he has walked out over one of these situations before only for an hour or so ... and she broke her heart .... I want to fix it ........ not hurt my dd

When his petty bullying tactics do not get to you, he uses your DD to manipulate you?

You do not want my advice.

Mrs_Arcanum

Neither you or your DD should have to lie, or lie by omission just to keep his children from asking for more than they already have. This is a terrible lesson to teach your DD.

He needs to learn to say NO and until he does do not continue to enable him by letting him get away with being weak. You need to put your foot down and give him a better example. The only winner at the moment is his ex.

warehouse

OP, the issue here is clear and it's you. You've mentioned several times that you "bite your tongue". You seriously need to stand up for your DD and yourself, else this relationship is only going one way.

Open your b**dy mouth and tell him straight next time it happens, (sorry for the bad word but this story makes me so angry).

pimento

southerngal wrote: »

I seriously do not want to give up on the relationship just yet ... as I said both dd and I love him greatly ....... but it is very hard work, his ex is also very manipulative and clever, I was just looking for advice or to see if anyone else had been in this situation and managed to turn things around for the better.

You're putting yourself and your fear of being left without a bloke before your daughter.

Shame on you.

SandC

Mrs.W wrote: »

When his petty bullying tactics do not get to you, he uses your DD to manipulate you?

You do not want my advice.

I agree with you. Southerngal though, please remember how resilient children are. Your daughter was doubtless upset because she probably felt to blame for the situation. His manipulation of her and you was quite shameful in that example.

For what it's worth though, as you are clearly not at the stage where you are going walk out you need some constructive advice so mine is this. Your children are not all equal because your little girl doesn't see her dad. Therefore, you and her are quite entitled and SHOULD spend mum and daughter time together doing nice things. You have to be in control of some of the budget and quite frankly you can do things with her that don't cost anything much but I'm sure you could find a bit of cash anyway. Did you never do anything together before you met him? Find the time, find the money and enjoy your time together. Your other half's children will not mind in the least just as she doesn't mind what they do with their mum now.