prob with other halves attitude to my daughter compared to his kids

CH27

You sound resentful of his ex & kids
He sounds as though he feels guilty for leaving them.

Why did they split & how long had they been split before you got together?

How do the finances in your household work?
Do you get maintenance for your daughter? If so why can't you use that to buy her stuff?

Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?

jetplane

Oh i cross posted but seanymph sums it up so well :T

74jax

southerngal wrote: »

rileydog .... I would like to think that he loves her too, but his way of showing it is pretty rubbish ........ its not just treats its also how he treats her ..... prime example my dd had something to eat a few weeks ago which she had eaten before but apparently this time didnt like it, he said she shouldnt be so fussy as it was all we had and that if she didnt want to eat it this was fine but she wouldnt be allowed a desert ........ then lo and behold his kids came round a couple of weekends after and we fed them something they had def eaten before but his ds apparently no longer liked it, I mentioned tha he had eaten it before and oh told him to eat it ....... at this point his ds burst into tears ( as my dd had done ) and he was told not to worry eat what he wanted and was still allowed to have his desert ...... I was so mad ........

and yes to my shame I bit my tongue as I dont want his kids to see me as an ogre

Do you consider his child's feelings more than your own?

I'm sorry but DD comes before any love for this inconsiderate man. Imagine the life you have but with someone who treats your DD as he does his child. Then leave this man and find him. Because if he knows you're upset and hasn't changed then he's never going to.

Stop thinking if him and his children and think your daughter.

As for you both love him and 'think' he loves her......shouldn't you know by now.

POPPYOSCAR

Only You can turn this around.

I understand how this can happen to an extent i.e. did he leave them? Does he feel guilty?

Also it could be that as he does not see them all the time,when he does he wants it to be special and he does not want them to go home having told them off.(I speak from experience)

However,You just have to make it clear to him that it is not acceptable to treat your daughter any differently and that she will not keep anything from his children.If this causes arguments then so be it.

aliasojo

southerngal wrote: »

74jax ...... I have tried to say things but as I said it always end up in apparently me causing an issue ......... trouble is I do love him very much and he does have some amazing qualities ..... but when it comes to his kids ....... and his ex for that matter ..... it seems nothing is too good or too much but me and dd have to just grin and bare it ...... there are so many other examples ....... I get very upset ...... his ex is apparently rubbish with money dosnt work, single 4 kids on benefits in excess of £300 per week, yet apparently he feels sorry for her as she is struggling with money and his children suffer because of this ....... we are now living on approx £120 per week and yet he feels sorry for his ex and kids ....... in the past 4 weeks, his kids have been bowling, swimming and cinema that I know of ......... we took my dd to cinema last weekend ....... this is the first day out she has had with us in 8 months ...... yet she has to listen to all of what they have been up to and yet we have to tell her she cant do these things ...... what gets my goat is when we first got together, we were taking my dd to Mcdonalds after his kids had gone home one Sat and he asked my dd to not tell his kids we were taking her as his kids wouldnt like that we were taking my dd and not them ......... grrrrrr

You had better wise up asap and be the Mother your daughter needs you to be. You are all she has to love her, defend her, protect her, ensure her life is as much as it can be until she is old enough to take over.

You are doing a poor job right now. You are putting your feelings for this man in front of your common sense and care for your daughter.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but there is no way to dress this up.

This isn't something you need to split up over but things DO need to change and you need to develop a backbone and be firmer about your daughter's needs and clearer to your OH about what he is doing and how unfair he is being. He needs to understand this isn't something he can dismiss with another argument.

If he wont take this on board, then you need to make a choice between him or your daughter, because you are doing her no favours bringing her up as Cinderella.

FBaby

I don't want to be rude, but are those people posting involved in step-families themselves? Because I really get a sense of utopic attitude to it rather than what the reality really is.

In the case of the OP, it would appear they have moved together very quickly after knowing each other. The OP's partner seems to still have issues with his ex situation and relationship with his children. We don't know if OP works, how much her partner earns, how old the children's are....many factors that could affect and maybe explain the situation.

Screaming from the little information provided that OP DD is badly treated, that her partner is a pig, that she should leave is really short minded. The reality is that if they have only been together for that short time, the bond between the OP child and her partner is still at his infancy. Of course he is not going to love her as much as his own children. Love is not something that happens instantly, it is something that grows. Same thing with the sense of responsibility, he will automatically (and some would argue rightly so) consider that his responsibilities are towards the children he has once decided to bring into life, not another child.

Of course it is heartbreaking for the OP, but I think there is a possibility she has too much expectations. A step-family is rarely going to have the same dynamics than a 'normal' family, especially after such a short time.

I don't think we have enough information as it is to really gather whether the OP's attitude is trully innapropriate of the natural outcome of their situation as it stands.

POPPYOSCAR

FBaby wrote: »

I don't want to be rude, but are those people posting involved in step-families themselves? Because I really get a sense of utopic attitude to it rather than what the reality really is.

In the case of the OP, it would appear they have moved together very quickly after knowing each other. The OP's partner seems to still have issues with his ex situation and relationship with his children. We don't know if OP works, how much her partner earns, how old the children's are....many factors that could affect and maybe explain the situation.

Screaming from the little information provided that OP DD is badly treated, that her partner is a pig, that she should leave is really short minded. The reality is that if they have only been together for that short time, the bond between the OP child and her partner is still at his infancy. Of course he is not going to love her as much as his own children. Love is not something that happens instantly, it is something that grows. Same thing with the sense of responsibility, he will automatically (and some would argue rightly so) consider that his responsibilities are towards the children he has once decided to bring into life, not another child.

Of course it is heartbreaking for the OP, but I think there is a possibility she has too much expectations. A step-family is rarely going to have the same dynamics than a 'normal' family, especially after such a short time.

I don't think we have enough information as it is to really gather whether the OP's attitude is trully innapropriate of the natural outcome of their situation as it stands.

I agree with most of what you say here.

However, speaking as a step-parent myself I consider my responsibilities are to all our children equally.

FBaby

Just to add, I agree that there seems to be resentment from what the OP step-children are getting with their mum and that this could possibly affect her feelings regarding her DD. What those children get to do when they are with their mum is irrelevant to what is happening within her household. I can fully understand the frustration of her being able to treat her kids as she does whilst being on benefits, but that is another issue all together. It doesn't mean that because she gets to afford what she does for her kids that their dad should do less for them and more for his step-daughter to compensate.

Again, back to the dynamics of step-families that will never be like 'normal' ones. There will aways be differences. It is about how we teach children to accept them. I had the same issue myself with my step-sister (adopted by my dad, so not even his own blood) who got much more than I did in many ways, and even though my dad supported her all her life, is to gain from inheritance a lot more than I. I've never felt resentful though, that's how it was and I accepted it. Ironically, my step-sister once admitted that she'd always been jealous of me because I am more confident and self-assured than her. It's not always about material things.

bestpud

Have I got this right?

You and your partner have only taken your daughter out twice in 8 months?

And yet she isn't allowed to talk about 'all the things she does' - what does she do then as its clearly more than you've made out?

You don't have any access to money at all? He is in complete control of the lot?

I'm also wondering if you receive child maintenance from your child's father?

You've given lots of 'evidence' that he treats your dd differently but it's not all adding up for me. Maybe he does - maybe you are equally blinkered towards your child?

aliasojo

FBaby wrote: »

I don't want to be rude, but are those people posting involved in step-families themselves? Because I really get a sense of utopic attitude to it rather than what the reality really is.


I don't think we have enough information as it is to really gather whether the OP's attitude is trully innapropriate of the natural outcome of their situation as it stands.

Yes.

Answers given are based on information provided.