prob with other halves attitude to my daughter compared to his kids

southerngal

no sausageface thats not the core of it, my greivance is that my dd cannot talk about anything she has done in case it upsets his kids !! when she does practically nothing anyway ....... and also that she is also always claiming poverty, yet we give her £50.00 pw but we are not allowed to put this down as outgoings because she dosnt declare it to the benefits agency,, so we lose this money from our budget totally, while she gets it on top of her benefits ......... so in a way this annoys me but more so it is the little we give dd and yet her not being allowed to tell his kids in case they get upset !!
And also the difference in treatment of his children to mine .......

catch_me_if_you_can

southerngal wrote: »

no sausageface thats not the core of it, my greivance is that my dd cannot talk about anything she has done in case it upsets his kids !! when she does practically nothing anyway ....... and also that she is also always claiming poverty, yet we give her £50.00 pw but we are not allowed to put this down as outgoings because she dosnt declare it to the benefits agency,, so we lose this money from our budget totally, while she gets it on top of her benefits ......... so in a way this annoys me but more so it is the little we give dd and yet her not being allowed to tell his kids in case they get upset !!
And also the difference in treatment of his children to mine .......

being blunt:

What do you see as positive in your relationship with him?

Please don't be afraid of being alone. x

sausageface

southerngal wrote: »

no sausageface thats not the core of it, my greivance is that my dd cannot talk about anything she has done in case it upsets his kids !! when she does practically nothing anyway ....... and also that she is also always claiming poverty, yet we give her £50.00 pw but we are not allowed to put this down as outgoings because she dosnt declare it to the benefits agency,, so we lose this money from our budget totally, while she gets it on top of her benefits ......... so in a way this annoys me but more so it is the little we give dd and yet her not being allowed to tell his kids in case they get upset !!
And also the difference in treatment of his children to mine .......

How old are the children? Also, are the four children your OH's?

Your DD should be able to talk about things she has done, especially as the other children do have 2 homes and are doing things with their Mum as well.

Mixing families will never be easy, I haven't actually dated a man with children so I can't comment really from that respect but I have been an unwanted step-child once my younger half-sisters arrived. I wish my mum could have seen the situation for what it was at the time but in the end me and my brothers were forced out of home due to the situation and it does not hold good memories for me. That is why I am acutely aware (sometimes may be too much) of how my boyfriend at the moment interacts with my children and I will not accept a man in our lives who cannot treat my children with the love and respect they deserve.

The ex wouldn't have to declare any maintenance, this isn't counted towards any benefits and even if she did it wouldn't affect your income either. If £50 is the CSA rate then whether you think it's fair or not, that's what he should be paying towards his childrens' upkeep. If it is more than the CSA rate then he needs to reduce it accordingly. If he doesn't then he isn't being fair to you and your daughter.

nonnatus

Hmmm, I don't normally post on threads like these because they get a bit "deep" for me but I was really struck by the OP.
Muppette and Dylan have said what I would say - the guy is weird if he can't accept that his behaviour distresses you and your daughter. And he's clearly trying HARD not to recognise his behaviour by getting angry and refusing to discuss it.

I would give him an ultimatum and if (WHEN??) he doesn't take it, get out of that relationship. Oh, and you say your daughter "loves" him, but what a pattern to set up for the future for her!! That you can put up with bad behaviour from the men in your life, if you "love" them the rest of the time.
If the poor girl can love HIM, she will quickly love the next man in her life, who hopefully will return her affection, rather than push her out of the way in favour of his own kids...

FBaby

Can I just ask, do you yourself work? I am asking because if you don't and rely on his salary to support your daughter, he might potential feel some resentment that by having to contribute solely towards your daughter, his kids get less, hence wanting to compensate? Do you get maintenance from your ex?

If it is the case, to some extent, I can understand a bit how he feels. Not the sympathy for the ex on benefits, that's ridiculous, but him feeling that he can't give as much to his children because he has to contribute towards yours. If this is the case, could you get a job yourself.

If you do work and contribute towards the household, then he is indeed being unfair towards you and DD. In this case, is there any possibility you keep some incoming (a part of your salary/maintenance) for yourself so you can treat your DD with this? Maybe it is a bit too early in the relationship to have a shared budget for everything?

thegirlintheattic

Love doesn't matter in this case. Your DD comes first - and she is probably going to suffer if she grows up being treated like this.

midnightraven3

why are you allowing someone to treat your daughter like a 2nd class citizen?
you have a choice to be treated like this, she doesnt
she may "love" this guy but i think in years to come she will look back and resent (quite rightly) how her childhood was, and will look to you for answers

none of us as perfect parents
but i look myself in the mirror and know i try my best
i'd like to think they know that too

Teenie_D

I wasn't going to comment on this as I have no understanding of 'step' families so can't see how difficult it must be, but ......

southerngal wrote: »

but as I said my dd has to be told tales of all the wonderful things they do but we have to keep quiet of things she does in case we upset them !!

southerngal wrote: »

I would like to think that he loves her too, but his way of showing it is pretty rubbish ........

I dont want his kids to see me as an ogre

southerngal wrote: »

my dd cannot talk about anything she has done in case it upsets his kids !! when she does practically nothing anyway ....... and also that she is also always claiming poverty, yet we give her £50.00 pw but we are not allowed to put this down as outgoings because she dosnt declare it to the benefits agency,, so we lose this money from our budget totally, while she gets it on top of her benefits ......... so in a way this annoys me but more so it is the little we give dd and yet her not being allowed to tell his kids in case they get upset !!
And also the difference in treatment of his children to mine .......

I do have my own daughter and I KNOW for a fact she would NEVER be treated like yours. I feel so sorry for her, she is hardly given any 'treats' and when she is, she is not allowed to talk about it as it may upset other children, who to be fair are not her concern. You don't want to be seen as an ogre but you are quite willing for your partner to be an 'ogre' to your child, he obviously doesn't give a !!!!!! how he comes across to your daughter and you would "like to think he loves her" sorry but !!!!!!, if my partner didn't love my daughter he certainly wouldn't be living with us!!!
Yes you and your daughter may love him to bits but eventually I reckon she will get very resentful of this and you may have problems.

Seanymph

How dreadful for you.

Unfortunately this man refusing to listen to you and validate your concerns by using anger to shut you up is not healthy. Read that twice. It's a dynamic you are supporting by not being assertive in this relationship.

Your daughter does not 'love' him. She is reacting as a child to an adult in a role that she has been forced to adopt him in.

I speak as someone with grown up children - you will feel shame when you look back on how you allowed this man to negatively affect your daughters childhood. You are a mother first, you will always be her mother and your job is to ensure that she has a decent upbringing. You are failing in that, and in time you will see what we see, and see your 'love' and neediness for what it is.

The posters who are saying 'leave him' are just cutting out the process for you - how long that takes will be your awakening, they are trying to speed it up.

He may not be telling you the truth about his ex - that will be hard to learn but history would prove that can be true.

Whilst you are still with him you need to put some guidelines in place so he doesn't push you around, or teach your daughter she is not worthy - her esteem may never recover from him otherwise.

What goes on in his children's home never comes into the equation - never. If they go to St Lucia for four weeks it makes no difference, smile and ask if they had a nice time.

What happens with your daughter whilst they are not present is nothing to do with them. Don't delay birthdays to ensure they are included or whatever.

Speak up!!! If he came back with batteries say 'did you forget xxx needed some, oh well, she can have those and we'll get more for next week'.

Don't agree to pay his ex under the radar - pay her officially.

Resentment is terrible in a relationship - but his bullying will cause it. And your daughter has no understanding of how he is behaving and is following your lead. Never ever use 'she loves him' as justification for staying with him. That's awful.

You are choosing to stay there for whatever benefit you see - and she is not old enough, or experienced enough to understand how she is being damaged, you are - so you don't get to hide behind her.

If you stay there you need to step up and protect YOUR child. Ensure she doesn't miss out - if you have no money spend one day a week with her yourself doing something lovely together. His kids come to see him, clear off out with your child and let them see him, save tesco clubcard vouchers and get entrance vouchers for places.

However what they do with their mum is nothing to do with you - nor is her income, other children, state of play, relationship or anything else - apart from where it directly affects you, like maintenance. If he's paying too much then run his income through the CSA calculator, get proof, and talk to him about reducing it.

jetplane

FBaby wrote: »

Can I just ask, do you yourself work? I am asking because if you don't and rely on his salary to support your daughter, he might potential feel some resentment that by having to contribute solely towards your daughter, his kids get less, hence wanting to compensate? Do you get maintenance from your ex?

If it is the case, to some extent, I can understand a bit how he feels. Not the sympathy for the ex on benefits, that's ridiculous, but him feeling that he can't give as much to his children because he has to contribute towards yours. If this is the case, could you get a job yourself.

If you do work and contribute towards the household, then he is indeed being unfair towards you and DD. In this case, is there any possibility you keep some incoming (a part of your salary/maintenance) for yourself so you can treat your DD with this? Maybe it is a bit too early in the relationship to have a shared budget for everything?

^^^ This makes sense what are the dynamics of your relationship? I don't understand how your partner can dictate to your daughter in this way (or you for that matter).

However if you are working and contributing then you are excusing his behaviour by saying 'but I love him, my daughter loves him'. Even if you allow yourself to be treated as second best please don't allow your daughter to be second best.

You say you want advice on how to turn things around, to what? Not only is he treating your daughter differently he is ignoring your wishes. As another OP has said don't be afraid of being alone.

Step families can be difficult but I am one of those who struggle to understand mothers who put men before their children.