Should I have a baby?

osian

During my twenties, I had no intention to have children. I really wasn't interested.

Like you I had (and still do) a severe phobia of childbirth. So the thought of that probably put me off too.

It may be a cliche, but it was only when I hit 30 that I really wanted a child. My husband and I were very happy together and it just felt right. I had my daughter at 32, we had had 12 years of being together as a couple without children and we had done all the studying, partying and travelling we wanted to.

If it's the phobia of childbirth that's putting you off, there's always ways around that. With my first child I had a very sympathetic consultant who agreed that I should have a c-section and I am now expecting my second child in September and will be having a c-section again. It took a bit of persistance to get a referral to the consultant last time but I was so glad to have the c-section.

My advice would just be to wait a couple of years and do all the stuff you want to do. If you want a child you will just know. If you don't, then that's fine too.

ognum

ringo_24601 wrote: »

On your deathbed, do you want to look back and say "I'm glad I had a fantastic career" or say goodbye to your children?

But kids change your world and you've really got to want to take that responsibility on

These things are not mutually exclusive, it is possible with or without children to look back and say I have had a wonderful life.

children are not the centre of everyones world, they bring heartache as well as joy.

Person_one

ringo_24601 wrote: »

On your deathbed, do you want to look back and say "I'm glad I had a fantastic career" or say goodbye to your children?

But kids change your world and you've really got to want to take that responsibility on

Way to guilt trip there, you can spot a newish dad a mile away.;)

On my deathbed I hope to be able to say I helped a lot of people I had no genetic connection to, is that less valuable? Is a life without offspring of no worth?

Here's a thread I started a few years ago that might be of interest:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2246907

For the record I am very close to my beloved nephew and now have a wonderful niece as well but I still don't have a strong desire to have my own children. Not everybody does, and that's pefectly natural. There have always been women who had no children.



OP, I imagine its comments like these that are making you doubt yourself, but don't let them get to you. You probably have at least 10 years to wait and see if you want them or not.

tinktinktinkerbell

the fact you have to ask an internet forum if you should have a baby speaks volumes!

[Deleted User]

Person_one wrote: »

Way to guilt trip there, you can spot a newish dad a mile away.;)

On my deathbed I hope to be able to say I helped a lot of people I had no genetic connection to, is that less valuable? Is a life without offspring of no worth?

Here's a thread I started a few years ago that might be of interest:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2246907

For the record I am very close to my beloved nephew and now have a wonderful niece as well but I still don't have a strong desire to have my own children. Not everybody does, and that's pefectly natural. There have always been women who had no children.



OP, I imagine its comments like these that are making you doubt yourself, but don't let them get to you. You probably have at least 10 years to wait and see if you want them or not.

Blood is thicker than water...

dizziblonde

Ignoring the guilt trip brigade who cannot possibly comprehend that not everyone wants to rock along on the baby train because they're loved up on it... only you can know the answers to this one.

Are your feelings when friends announce this news because of some kind of jealousy - or a fear that they're going to move away from you now because they're on Planet Baby and you're still in your life as it was chugging along? Or is it how their reactions change - some people can suddenly take the very judgemental "your life isn't worthy unlike yours now we've had children" line quite easily (intentionally or unintentionally) - which could be causing some of your feelings... or it could be the beginnings of that biological clock ticking - but you need to pick it apart a bit yourself to figure that out.

And yes, you're right, we DO live in a somewhat pregnancy and baby-obsessed culture - and there are some very narrow-minded people out there (I've got them in my own family and I've called them out on it on more than one occasion) for whom a woman is only "worthy" of acceptance or praise when they become pregnant... and it can be quite alienating to be outside of that bubble looking in and seeing it for what it is.

For what it's worth - I've never gone in for the gooing at babies thing - I've always got on well with toddlers upwards, but never been the massive turning to a pile of mush at the sight of a newborn person... and I've never ever wanted to have kids just because it's "the done thing" - indeed for many years through my twenties I vowed not to have kids because I didn't want to repeat the cycle of very destructive mother-daughter relationships within my own family. And yes - I took a tonne of crap from the smug brigade and from the members of my own family for whom a good kid is only one that starts turning out cups of tea on demand and grandkids on a slightly more lenient schedule... my mind only changed when I met my husband - and then it wasn't just a "what if" - it was a definite very very strong change - but one I really picked to bits the reasons behind, to make sure it wasn't some need for acceptance or approval from the family idiots, or to make sure I wasn't just trying to keep up with the classmates from school or whatever - because I wanted to be 100% sure that I wasn't going to screw up as badly as others in my family had done by drifting into things. Hopefully that makes some sense to you (probably not and I'll no doubt get shredded as callous and unmaternal that I sat and dissected things so strongly - I give it about 10 posts before the usual "you can't possibly NOT want children" stuff goes into overdrive). Funnily - deathbeds, retirement support and paying my pension were never reasons that I actively considered - even though they're hurled at you endlessly by people who can't consider other situations but their own.

As for the childbirth thing - it's like if you announce you're about to have a wisdom tooth pulled - everyone rushes to give you horror stories... however, unlike wisdom teeth - I figure if it was that utterly awful, no one would ever roll back up for round 2 and people's !!!!!ish nature of overembellishing things doesn't half kick into effect anyway.

Person_one

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Blood is thicker than water...

Not always.

POPPYOSCAR

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Blood is thicker than water...

Not always.........:(

POPPYOSCAR

Person_one wrote: »

Not always.

SNAP!!

(Did not see your post before I did mine!)

POPPYOSCAR

If you need to ask then I would say no.