Should I have a baby?

Aless

OP I have not read all your posts but I thought I might have something to add. I was the youngest in my entire family for many years and therefore have had very little experience of babies. I have never had any interest in other people's babies or children really. Babies seem like a lot of hard work and not very interesting but I like older children. This is very similar to how a lot of men feel (I am a woman) and I do not think there is anything unnatural or odd about it. In fact I find my friends who were broody even in their teens very odd as it is an alien feeling to me.

I have a career which I love and value and will not abandon. There is a strong presence of women on these boards who have not strived for careers or given them up. I believe this is their choice and they are welcome to it, I make no criticism of them or those that chose to work. But many mothers do work and strive in their careers, if you want to do this it will mean less time with your children but that is not wrong (I know not everybody will agree with that but I don't care, every generation of mothers in my family worked going back to great grandmothers and maybe beyond so it is not new to be a mother and work despite the ideas around today).

I have never been sure about having children because I have never felt broody. But there are plenty of mothers out there who will admit that they never had a maternal instinct until their own children arrived and in reality I do not think a hormonal surge is the most rational basis on which to make a decision to have children.

Anyway I am married, in my mid 30's and pregnant. I cannot say I am 100% sure this is the best thing but I would never ever be able to put my hard on heart and say I 100% want children. However I think my partner and I will be very good parents and I look forward to lots of parts of being a parent. I do not look forward to the drudge of childcare or even the early baby stages, I look forward to a bit further on down the line. I will be keeping my job and at least initially I intend to go back to work full time but know that I will spend 3/4 of my income on childcare. Outsourcing childcare has been going on for centuries for those who could afford it so I do not think you have to buy into the idea that motherhood is doing everything for your kids yourself. If it works for you to have paid for help, do it.

Some people might shoot me down for things I have written above but I do not state what I have said as working for anybody other than me but these are my choices and I do not care if other people do not agree. I thought you might find a different perspective helpful. PS I had always thought that pregnancy was a horrible concept (I share this with friends who have had children) and the reality is pretty grim. I think women forget how awful it can be with sickness and other issues but like everything, including sleepness nights, teething problems, it will pass.

[Deleted User]

Hi Aless,


I found your post enlightening, mainly because there were many parts which struck a chord with me and I could very much identify with what you said, certainly more so than I can identify with some of my friends who claim to have wanted children since they were kids themselves. I think your perception on parenting is very realistic and rational and I agree that a biological urge is not necessarily a good basis upon which to make such a massive decision. I do think I feel more similarly to the majority of men (i.e. a bit indifferent to babies and children) than the majority of women, and this can be isolating. I agree with you that some posters here may not have worked towards a career or place much importance on career. While some people have always wanted to be mothers, I have always known I wanted to be a psychologist and have worked very hard to achieve this. So while some people have claimed that their experiences with their children eclipse any kind of joy they get from their careers or jobs, I wonder if they have careers which involve helping people through grief, addiction, trauma or mental illness and are aware of how rewarding this is.



I think mothers who stay at home and mothers who work are criticised, as are people who have no children and people who have 4+. You just can’t win. People comment on your lifestyle choices and make assumptions based on their own, very different and individual circumstances. Personally if I were to become a mother, I cannot imagine not working, at least to communicate with adults and for a little variety, but I am well aware that this choice isn’t for everyone.
I can identify with you saying you haven’t been sure about having children because you’ve never been broody. I feel my heart swell whenever I see a puppy or a kitten but my feelings towards babies are more ambivalent. I like older children and enjoy their company but babies don’t really appeal to me.


I think your outlook on your pregnancy and parenting are very realistic and I loved reading your post as I can imagine that is how I would feel if I were in your shoes. I am thinking that adopting a slightly older child might be a more viable option for me as I don’t like the idea of the early baby stages but do like the idea of being involved later on. I also agree that motherhood needn’t mean doing everything yourself. I would certainly enlist the help of others: family, friends, childcare etc. and would only have a child if my partner agreed to do half the work. I don’t think I could hack it otherwise! I don’t think anyone would be justified in shooting you down for what you have written, I think they should acknowledge that your choices are right for you and your family and really, that’s all that matters. I think we all need to be tolerant of other people’s circumstances and choices, regardless of whether they would be appropriate for ourselves. It takes a very strong person not to be influenced by the opinions of others and to make their own choices despite what others say is best for them. Thank you for your honesty, I certainly feel less alone in my views. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy and your new family.

Aless

Hi Deleted_User I am glad my post was helpful. Having children is a big decision but it is also a bit of a leap of faith. I guess what I was trying to say in a round about way was that you may never have a strong urge to have children or know that you absolutely want to have them but that does not mean you should rule it out (for the avoidance of doubt I do not think everybody should have children, some people don't want to and that is great for them). It might just mean you have a realistic view of what it entails and some of it is not so enticing. Also I think quite a few fathers (not all as I know some men are very broody) are a bit unsure about having children but do so because their wives are keen, it does not mean that they do not end up being great fathers.

Turtle

Hello Deleted_User, glad you found my previous post useful as well. I thought it was worth pointing out that although I said I'd never wanted children, I didn't always realise that was the case (if that doesn't sound too odd). I have never been able to picture myself as a mother but I just assumed that one day I'd want children. That day didn't get any closer and the chat I had with my OH when I turned 35 and we both said we weren't bothered about children helped to clarify my thoughts. So the 'will I / won't I?' situation lasted well over 10 years. It seems like this is the place you're in now as well.

I think it's interesting you say it takes a strong person to go against what's expected of them - maybe it's because I've never felt that motherhood was expected of me - but it seems unthinkable to me that someone would be so ambivalent about having a child and essentially just 'going along with it', perhaps many of these people have never even questioned it, but just expected they would marry and reproduce. I'm very much my own person, I do what I like and have plenty of friends (many childless by choice as well) and don't do anything without consideration, let alone have children.

Looking at this from a different point of view, the idea of pregnancy and birth doesn't sit well with me. I find the thought of breast feeding repulsive. I struggle to say out loud words relating to these things and have often thought that those 'womanly' parts of my brain are somehow missing. I can't stand to see pregnant bellies, I don't find them natural and beautiful I just feel they should be covered up. If I actually wanted children however I feel that would override these feelings and I would just somehow come to terms with these things.

You're obviously highly educated and your posts are well articulated and considered. You realise you don't have to make a decision over night. You may well, like me, eventually decide against it. I know not everyone has this same opinion but for me I couldn't do it unless I was absolutely 100% certain I wanted to do it. If I wasn't, that would answer the question for me.

[Deleted User]

Hi Turtle,

I am definitely in that ‘will I/ won’t I?’ situation that you described at the moment. I personally can’t imagine myself as a mother. I can’t really see myself in the way I see other mothers, including my own. I see mothers in the street constantly telling their children off or just tiredly walking beside them as they shout and scream loudly, with no energy to control them. The only way I can see myself as a mother is if I think much further into the future, to where my mother and I are at the moment: with a very close relationship but no longer living under the same roof. I suppose part of me (because I have been told so quite often) believes that when I am older I will change my mind, but I know it would take quite a change in my personality for this to happen. Sometimes I imagine being a mother as being an all-round great experience, then I see kids in the supermarket and in public who make unnecessary noise and really can’t wait to get away from them.


It’s wonderful you’ve never felt motherhood was expected of you. I suppose I feel it’s expected of me because of small comments people have made: my partner’s mother saying she feels sorry for people who have no children who have no one to see them through old age, my own mother bemoaning the fact she won’t be a grandmother, my hairdresser insisting I will change my mind and looking at me with awe when I say there are many people who don’t have children who lead extremely fulfilling lives…So I guess I’ve been a little affected by these comments, wondering what I might be missing out on and wondering also whether not having children will mean my life will more or less be the same rather than experiencing the constant changes that are involved in being a parent. I am a caring person but I’m not maternal. I can’t imagine ever gushing about how much joy my children have brought into my life, putting a ‘Baby on Board’ sign on my car and going to mother and toddler groups. That would involve a massive change in identity for me. I also don’t understand people who are more or less ambivalent about having children just having them because it’s ‘the next natural step’, because that suggests they’re not aware of the sacrifice involved, and it might come as a massive shock. Reading some posts on this thread, I realise that when you have a baby, your entire life revolves around it. Simply answering the door or popping out for milk need to be planned, and although that’s just a short stage in the child’s life, it is still all-consuming and really restricts your freedom.


I understand your feelings towards pregnancy and birth. The idea of being pregnant doesn’t bother me, it’s birth and breast feeding that do. The thought of basically putting your body on the line in order to create another human seems odd to me. The idea of breast feeding doesn’t appeal at all, it just seems a bit animalistic to me and it’s another thing I can’t ever imagine doing. Funnily enough, I also struggle to say these words out loud. An old colleague of mine had no problem breast feeding in public and I always felt very uncomfortable with this. Although it was natural for her, I don’t feel it’s natural for me.


Funny you should say the ‘womanly’ parts of your brain seem to be missing. I remember reading an interview with Mariah Carey (I know: why did I bother?) and she said ‘I finally understand what it is to be a woman now I have given birth’. I have a real problem with that. Didn’t she know what being a woman was for the four decades of her life before she gave birth? It’s along the same lines as people saying (as someone mentioned above) that females who are not married and don’t have children are not ‘real women’. This is absurd to me, and a really 1950s misogynistic take on womanhood. Being a woman does not require that one is attached to a man or has become pregnant, although this notion still prevails. If that’s what being a ‘real woman’ entails, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with it. Whether or not I have children, I will never subscribe to the view that a woman needs to be barefoot and pregnant to be worthwhile. This view really angers me.


I am similar to you in that I couldn’t do it unless I was certain. I spoke to my boyfriend about this today and he told me that while he has always imagined having children at some point, there has never been a time when he has actually wanted to have them as yet. Having children is a massive leap of faith, there is so much about it that is a risk. I know people who have wonderful, easy going children who sleep through the night, I know people whose children cause them a lot of grief. I know a woman whose post-natal depression was so bad after the birth of her child that she voluntarily had herself sectioned and handed her baby over to her parents. I am open to the idea of it happening in the future but, like you said, I would need to really want it and be completely prepared for something going wrong along the way.

sharrison778

I can completely relate to what you are going through, Deleted_User.

For a really long time I had no interest in having children. I am an only child myself so I have no real experience with babies and certainly no natural instincts around kids. I also have 2 degrees, currently undertaking my third so the idea of having to make a career sacrifice wasnt welcome. And thirdly I also feared what would happen to my relationship with my partner. A large part of our relationship was built around having careers in similiar fields and being able to talk about that. I didnt want to be the stay at home mum - when he comes home from work wanting to talk about his day and all I can contribute about mine is how many times the baby had his/her nappy changed. (I dont mean that as an insult to stay at home mum's - just trying to articulate my fears).

2 things got me past those fears.

The first is that I met my partner's family. He comes from a big family and its so nice to see how they all help each other, support each other. I felt a strong urge to both be part of that and to create that.

Secondly (and luckily) we are in the financial position to be able to afford childcare or, more likely, a nanny. Whilst I know there will be a short period where I will have to leave the workforce, it will be short term. My partner knows that having kids will not mean the end of my career and that he'll have to be there, 50/50 with me.

I suppose my point is that looking at what others are doing and how they do it - its not helpful. Just because some women truly embrace the role of mum and dedicate their lives to their children doesnt mean you have to be a mum in that way - or at all.

The fact that you're feeling this way might be a good thing - it has triggered you into thinking about these things. Take your time, try to understand why you feel the way you do and hopefully you'll end up makign the right decision - one way or another.

[Deleted User]

Thank you Sharrison, what an encouraging reply! Both my boyfriend and I come from small families. He is an only children, and I've always wished I was, so if we do decide to have a child, it will just be one. At the moment, I am currently swaying towards adoption (although this changes frequently). I think the birth experience will be too risky for me and I do feel a strong desire to help children who are less fortunate than those born into loving and supportive families. As you mentioned, following the experiences of other people and being influenced by their suggestions isn't helpful, you have to find your own way and your own path. I have often thought motherhood isn't for me because so many mothers seem to be defined by their children, constantly talking about them, fully embracing the motherly role...that will never be me. If I know an alternative is possible, motherhood might appeal more to me. I also fear the relationship between my partner and I will change and not necessarily for the best. They say 'if it's not broke, don't fix it' and I would worry that at times, a child would get in the way of my relationship with my partner and cause distance between us. He would be a terrific dad though, but neither of us are sure whether that's want we want, and seem to be very far from making that decision.

Thank you for suggesting that the way I am feeling is positive as I've been thinking quite the opposite! I wish I had more of an idea one way or another what it is that I want. I suppose that's something that will come with time. Although I am considering this, I definitely don't have any maternal feelings and am still mostly irritated by children, which isn't exactly a good sign! I envy those people who just 'know' one way or another. I have always thought I'd never have children, but have never completely embraced this decision as some of my friends have. Nor have I been comfortable with the idea of having them. I hope time will solve this dilemma for me! Thank you so much for your input and best of luck with your degree!

sharrison778

I dont think these thoughts are negative at all. In fact it shows a high degree of self awareness but also a willingness to test all possibilities before making a decision. In relation to a decision as big as having a child - its very important.

In fact I'd suggest there are some people who make the decision to have a child a little too flippantly!


(I should also add that part of the process for me was dealing with the fact that my boyfriend has 2 kids from a previous marriage. I'm still wrapping my head around that. So many people told me that I would have to 'love them as though they were my own' and it took me a long to be able to say no, actually I dont and that doesnt make me a bad person. I can like them, maybe even love them but I dont think I will ever feel the same about them as I would my own biological children.)

[Deleted User]

I agree Sharrison, many people don't see it as making a decision, but an inevitability. In a way I envy these people who don't see it as something to at least think over as it is constantly on my mind, but know that I would never be able to leap into something with such a tremendous effect on my life without giving it serious thought. I suppose what my anxiety comes down to is being afraid of missing out. I suppose whatever choice I make, I will miss out on something and will have to make lots of sacrifices. Despite what we are lead to believe, no one can have it all.

bratz81

I'm 30 and do not want children. I have never wanted children. Thankfully my fianc! also feels the same way! I don't feel maternal, can't stand most children and have absolutely no desire to pass on my genes in any way.

That said, I do understand the pressure you feel from society, family, friends to have children. I get so much pressure it's not funny! Even when you say no I don't want children you get told you'll change your mind, everyone has children, etc etc.
I think a lot of people have children purely because it's expected of them - please don't get swayed into having a child because it's 'expected'!

I've recently finished reading a book called Two is Enough, it's about people who are childfree by choice and it goes into a lot of the reasons people have for not wanting children and what they see as the pros and cons. It may be helpful to help you work through your reasons for wanting or not wanting kids.

If you want any more info on the book, or my reasons for not wanting children and how I deal with the pressure from others feel free to PM me