Should I have a baby?

Aarons_mummy

I have a son but anyone who says having a baby is always positive is lying. It's not, there's sleepless night, illness, no more long lies, no more going out the door on a whim, everything has to be planned, everything is such a chore especially when they're little, they're cute but my god are they work. And then they get older and some of the strains of babydom are gone such as the sleppless night but then you have the cheek, the attitude, the backchat, the pushing of boundaries, excessive costs and the list doesn't end there in the slightest.

I never wanted children but it happened but if I could go back I probably wouldn't do it over again. I love my son make no mistake of that, he is my world, everything I do is because of him but I wouldn't necessarily have chosen this route.

Having a baby seems like such an easy thing because no-one tells you of the real story, you never get to see or experience the bad parts, the feelings and emotions you have after a day of tantrums and screaming but there is the good points, the first smile, first step, the reason to get up in the morning, the conversations, seeing this person flourish and grow and knowing that it's because of you.

My point is that motherhood is both good and bad, there are positive and negatives. If you're happy with your life then don't change that because someone feels you should not only would it be unfair to you and your partner but also this baby as others have pointed out you can always change your mind and have a baby but you can't go back and change it once it's done. Unless you know categorically it's what you want don't do it, you have plenty time, maybe in 10 years you will be ready and maybe you won't either decision is just fine as long as it's the right one for you.

thehappybutterfly

short and sweet - if in doubt, do nowt. I apply it to life quite frequently.

onlyroz

Regarding career vs. children - you *can* do both. Also, if you have a higher-flying career than your partner, why do you think that you would have to shoulder the greater burden of the childcare?

Gloomendoom

We don't have children. My sister has three. I don't think she has slept since 2002.

Turtle

I agree with you on so many things you've said. I'm nearly 37 and have been with my OH for 16 years. We don't want children. I always assumed it would be something I would want when I got older, but my feelings have never changed. Like you, people told me I would change my mind at 30. We went on holiday for my 35th and I asked my OH whether he thought he'd ever want a child - if he wanted to be a father I'd have to seriously consider it, but I was very glad he said he wasn't bothered. Neither am I so we've carried on as before.

For me it's not motherhood or a career, I can't say I'm particularly career minded either though I have a degree and an interesting relatively well paid job, I certainly work to live and not the other way round. We both have hobbies we enjoy that take up several hours a week, two house rabbits we love to bits and enjoy two lovely holidays a year and nice cars. When I get to the end of my life I'll have achieved some very worthwhile things (in my opinion, I appreciate others might not agree but ultimately I'm only interested in my views on that subject) and have had a good life with a partner I love very much. My mum asks me every now and again if I'm sure I don't want children, and I am. Even if you have them there is no guarantee they will be there for you and look after you in your old age (as some people seem to think).

I have no interest in children or babies, I don't know how to relate to them. I can't tolerate loud and / or badly behaved children and I don't like the way many children are brought up these days. I actually think we'd be really good parents, I'd be happy to go along to school concerts and ferry a child round to friends houses and horse riding lessons, but I fear outside influences ruining my good work and you can't avoid those.

Perhaps I am lucky that I've never been made to feel our choice is odd, indeed I have many friends who do not have children. If I'm entirely honest, when friends or colleagues announce a pregnancy though I am pleased for them as it makes them happy, I find it very difficult to understand why people make this choice as I've never felt that pull to reproduce.

JEEC

I'm a mum and I would say if you don't want children then don't feel pressured into having them. The amount of sacrifice it requires is huge. I suspect if you didn't really want a baby you could quickly grow to resent it when you haven't slept for months, and baby is on it's 5th outfit of the day because it won't stop being sick, and you've got a banging headache because it won't stop screaming and nothing you do is making any difference. Leaving the house is like a military operation, and if you go and stay anywhere overnight you have to take that much stuff it looks like you're moving in permanently.

One of my friends will openly admit that if she had her time again she wouldn't have had her son, she only had him to please her husband. She does love her son but she says she would be equally as happy if she didn't have him, maybe even happier.

Although I have painted a pretty dismal picture above, I have to admit that become a mum was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't put into words just how much happiness my son brings me, the downsides pale into insignificance compared to seeing him achieve all the milestones, just having him smile at me makes me happier than anything else ever could.

But, as I mentioned above, not everyone feels that way about their children.

As for pregnancy and childbirth, my pregnancy was horrendous, I was very ill for the entire pregnancy, and I also developed complications. Whilst still pregnant I decided that my unborn baby was going to be an only child as I was never going through this again. The actual birth was equally horrendous, everything that we'd been warned could go wrong due to the complications did go wrong and my baby nearly died. Due to the fantastic medical staff his life was saved and he's perfectly healthy now. Whether I'll ever fully physically recover from the birth I don't know, it's been nearly a year now and I still haven't fully recovered (emergency c-section combined with physical problems that were caused by the actual pregnancy). However, I would rather have gone through all that and have my son than not have him. Also, despite not having recovered yet me and OH are discussing when would be the best time to have a 2nd baby. Although I said I'd never have another, I have loved being a mum so much that if my body will allow me to I will have at least one more but not for a few years yet. I was terrified about childbirth, but despite having had the most horrendous birth out of all my friends I am no longer scared of childbirth because I know from first hand experience that even if it does go wrong the medical staff know what they're doing.

Myself and several of my friends were well into our 30s before we had kids, so if you're still in your 20s then there's no need to rush a decision, I was forever changing my mind right up until the day I found out I was pregnant. I also have friends who had children in their 40s.

One thing I've noticed about my relatives who are now past childbearing age is that those who did not have children have a much higher standard of living than those that did (although I know this won't be the same for everyone). They don't regret their decisions, they can go where they want/do what they want when they want without giving it a second thought. If they feel the need to be around children they have nieces and nephews and friends with children. They by no means hate children, infact they are fantastic around them, and there was an occasion when both me and my OH were so ill that one of our childless relatives had to come and take our son for a couple of days because we were too ill to provide the level of care that a baby needs. My son had a great time and was well and truly spoiled.

One other thing I should mention is the strain having a child puts on your relationship. We argue a lot more than we ever used to and can snap about trivial things, but it's probably due to tiredness. That said, despite the increased strain having a baby has made us closer than ever, but that's not to say that our friends without children don't have equally as strong relationships.

Ultimately, as you've already said only you can make the decision. But the decision must be yours, don't let anyone push you into a decision you may regret.

The way I look at it is, if you decide you don't want children then regret that decision you could have the option to adopt/foster. If you decide to have children and then regret that choice it's probably going to be a lot harder to deal with.

[Deleted User]

DKLS: I love reading the contributions of CF people. So many people claim that only having children brings happiness but there are many more routes to being happy and living fulfilling lives. I agree with you that bringing up a child is a lot of hard work which is barely acknowledged by society in favour of the joys of rearing children. As someone suggested earlier, I am trying to be open to either choice. No choice is better than the other, though it is often claimed that having children is universally the better option. Both involve sacrifices, both involve joys and hardships and both are equally as likely to experience regret. For someone who has children and loves being a parent, it may be difficult to comprehend that a childfree person wouldn’t regret not having children, but their experiences are completely opposing and child-free people want different things from life. I agree with your deathbed response entirely: it is so easy to say that if you don’t have kids, you’ll die alone, lamenting your lack of family. The reality is that having children does not guarantee they will look after you in old age, nor does not having them mean you will automatically think on your deathbed that you wish your life had been different. If you had a happy life, fulfilled your dreams and potential, I see no reason to regret. Regardless of what choice I eventually make, I will always applaud people who decide to be CF.


Suki: I don’t know if it’s just me but people seem to be having kids a lot earlier in life nowadays. One of my school friends had two kids at the age of 21. That suited her fine but for me, it is a decision that probably won’t be made for a while yet. I just have to try and push it to the back of my mind for a while. It does feel odd that people who I remember being at school with when I was 7 are now having children. To me, it seems too soon but each choice is individual. It’s great you met such a wide variety of people in the early years and who you’ve remained close to. I often find new parents a bit overbearing. My cousin posted sonograms on Facebook and her belly at various stages which I feel is a little strange. You’re right that there is every chance I’d have a loud child, another reason I’m hesitant to have one! But then I suppose if it was your own, it’s more tolerable than someone else’s child (I’m not sure if you’ll agree with that!) You’re right about these things being negative in the grand scheme. It’s funny that people tend to justify their reasons for not wanting children or not wanting anymore, as your friend did. I find myself justifying why I might not have any all the time when in reality, simply not wanting children or wanting anymore should as acceptable as simply wanting them which usually doesn’t require a reason. I think it’s lovely you bought your daughter a sewing machine. It’s something my grandfather bought my mum and she still treasures. That’s a valuable gift.


Aaron’s mummy: Wow. What can I say?! Thank you for telling it like it is. It is easy to imagine it’ll all be sunshine and roses but you’re right about when they grow up and there’s the backchat and pushing of boundaries. I remember it well from when I was younger and gave my mum hell. A lot of people I know have questioned my decision not to have children and have said that parenthood is the best thing that has ever happened to them. I feel that although they have no doubt gained a lot from being parents, they are lying to both me and themselves when they omit the difficulties and hardships involved. I appreciate the friends of mine who admit being a parent isn’t for everyone. It seems so easy to tell someone ‘you’ll regret not having children’ or ‘you’d make such a great mother’ without letting them know everything they will have to give up. I think if there was a lot less candy-coating around being a mother, I (and many other people) would be in a much better position to make a decision based on the facts, not the Kodak images they imagine will comprise parenthood. I really appreciate your honesty and support.


Turtle: I really enjoyed reading your experience. I think rather than being militantly child-free, I will put it down as a ‘maybe’ for the future and have the discussion with my boyfriend about the possibility of having children and if it’s something he wants in a good few years. I remember talking to someone who had children and who said both she and her husband felt that their relationship alone wasn’t enough, they wanted more which is why she had a child. I found this hard to identify with since I don’t feel there is anything missing from my relationship with my OH, though this may change. I really dislike when someone pulls out the ‘you’ll change your mind’ card as if this is an inevitability. When someone makes a decision as huge as this and puts a lot of thought into it, I doubt they experience regret many years later. I acknowledge that there is every possibility I might change my mind and indeed, I have been thinking about having children in a way that I never have before, so I might experience that ‘urge’ in the future, but I might not. I just feel really patronised when someone says ‘trust me, you’ll change your mind’ as if they know what’s best. I really love that your opinion about what you have achieved in life is what matters most to you, as it should be. I feel very proud of what I have achieved so far and no one can take that away from me. I also relate to how you feel about babies and children: I find them hard to relate to as well. Sometimes I’ll come across a child who I feel a great deal of warmth towards and think they’re wonderful, but mostly I just want to get away from them. I remember someone buying me an Anne Geddes diary once (you know, with the babies all over it) and just thinking it was really creepy instead of cute. I am the same as you: when a friend announces a pregnancy, I am pleased for them but don’t entirely understand. I guess it doesn’t matter if I understand them or not, as long as their choice is right for them.


JEEC: I really admire the honesty of many people on this thread, it is above and beyond what I was expecting. I imagine that many people, like your friend, love their children but hate being a parent and all it entails. I also think that many parents feel such love for their children that nothing else can compare, and that is lovely. I think becoming a parent is a risk. No matter how good a parent you are, there is still the risk your child will be very difficult and demanding and that you will have a very difficult pregnancy, birth etc. People who are sure they want children feel the risk is worth it, I just don’t know if I am willing to take it and potentially end up resentful. I know in my heart of hearts that if I did decide to have children, it would be well-considered and thought-out as opposed to impulsive and based on some biological urge. For a start, I have had health problems myself and really don’t do well on lack of sleep. Your pregnancy sounds so horrific, it’s so wonderful that you and your son are ok. An old housemate of mine had an experience that sounds similar to yours. She had a horrendous birth and was very close to death. When I saw her husband 3 days after the birth, he was completely out of it, he’d been through hell and back as he wasn’t allowed into the room to see his wife and was stuck wondering what had happened for over 24 hours. It took a long long time for them to enjoy their daughter because the birth was so horrific and she had to have an emergency C-section which completely ruined her body, she still has difficulty moving. For me, at least for the moment, the risk seems so great and can’t imagine why anyone would see it as being worth all that pain, which indicates that perhaps motherhood isn’t for me. At the same time, how do you ever know if you don’t take that risk? It’s wonderful that you had such great medical staff and that you enjoy being a mum so much. Did you think you’d enjoy it before you became pregnant? It’s good to know that you changed your mind a lot. I think, as someone suggested before, leaving it up to nature to decide for you is a good idea if you’re unsure.


I really liked what you said about your childless relatives and friends. I feel that childfree people are an asset to people with children. Although I find random children in supermarkets etc. difficult to deal with, I have often been on call for a couple of friends when they are completely knackered. I get on very well with those children, which further complicates things for me in terms of my own decision. As many people have said, I feel I would really love seeing my child grow-up and share many special moments with them. However, the risk is so great…


I can see why having a child would put a strain on your relationship and bring you closer together. I also agree with the fact that I could adopt or foster should I decide too late that I want children. The decision to adopt seems like a completely different one to having your own child, perhaps because I don’t know anyone who has adopted and have no point of reference. It’s certainly something I’d consider seriously, though I’m aware that the adoption process in England is really tough-going. You made some fantastic points in your post, thank you. I’m going to read yours and some of the other posts whenever I’m feeling a bit indecisive!

dktreesea

I never wanted children. And I got married at 17 so had a good many years to think about it before I actually took the plunge 19 years later. I continued to grow my family into my 40s. By then I was so established in my career, having children, if anything, just enhanced it. There is a feeling in workplaces that are male dominated, like where I worked for most of my career, about women that you are not a real woman unless you are a wife and a mother.

I'm now in my 50s and my children are still at school. This has it's challenging aspects. I'm the age of most of my children's friends grandparents rather than parents. I've got cousins who married at a similar age to me, had children straight away and are now great grandmothers, let alone grandmothers, in their 50s. I've got cousins who had four children by 32, all reasonably spaced apart and planned and then had their tubes tied - before I'd even got around to the first, lol.

We spent our 20s travelling and living in different countries after we qualified. The thing is with children, once you start staying in the same place, the years fly past. I lived in Japan for a while and someone was saying to me recently who had just come here that it was really good I could speak the lingo and how recently was I in Japan. It's only then you realise that the early 80s was....30 years ago!

Even France. it's 10 years since I have been there, let alone lived there. And it's just "over there" so to speak. Children are interesting, They certain add energy to the house. And you do meet a different group of people. But after a while, admittedly a long while, the life you had before disappears into the mists of time. Like a memory of someone else's life, almost.

I don't regret having children, but at the same time I am glad I had a full on and varied life for so long before I did have them. If I had my time again, I probably would have had 4 children rather than 2, and maybe started my family a couple of years before I did. That's a down side to starting late, if you decide you quite like being a mum - you can't have as many children.

I'm probably not going to be a grandparent for at least another 10 years. Sometimes when I see my cousins and their huge families I feel a bit wistful. We count the knees! I've made 4. The one who is a month different in age to me so far has "made" 16 across the what is now 4 generations counting her that she has been responsible for. She's travelled as much as me, but just at a different time of her life. By the time she turned 40 all her children were married and off her hands. She was a gran at 34 and a great gran at 52.

pinkclouds

Deleted_User wrote: »

Being in so much pain, having the potential of there being serious problems and being in such a vulnerable position in a room full of people just makes me wince and I can't imagine that the months leading up to it would be at all enjoyable knowing that would happen. I found your question as to whether I feel I would regret having or not having children more. I would definitely regret not doing what was best for me and not being true to myself. At the moment, the right thing in that case would be not to have children as my current (small) desire is based more on a rose-tinted vision of motherhood

When it comes to giving birth, there's no way to gloss over it - you have to get a little person out of your body. A c-section, whether emergency or elective, is major surgery and not something to consider lightly and it's something to discuss with a qualified OB. However, with regard to "natural" childbirth, it doesn't have to be painful and undignified. You can do it however suits you best so long as you aren't endangering yourself or the baby. Yes, you have to take your knickers off but you can wear a dress and drape a covering over your lower-half. The person delivering your baby is obviously looking at your bottom but it's not like... looking at it normally because there's a baby coming out of it. You don't have to have anyone else in the room except essential medical personnel. You don't have to be in pain. An epidural or spinal block will make it entirely pain-free (although you will have to rely on a midwife feeling your tummy to tell you when the contractions are building so you'll know when to push).

If, at this point in time, you would regret having kids then not having them is clearly the right thing to do. The most gruelling stage is probably between 3 months and 4 years old. The rose-tinted view that you have doesn't become reality until your child is old enough to have acquired a sufficient degree of independence with regard to sleeping, eating, dressing, using the toilet, etc. After the baby arrives, past the initial glow of a tiny little person who loves you unconditionally and stays where you put them and accepts everything you do, if you don't really want to do the actual hard part of motherhood then I think the novelty might wear off. That's an awful thing to contemplate because a child is an actual human being who is completely dependent on you to care for them for a very long time.

I don't want to put you off having kids if you change your mind but equally I don't think it's helpful to gush about how much I love my kids and how I can't imagine life without them. I'm trying to give a neutral perspective, hopefully without painting things too bleakly. I love my kids so much. That doesn't mean you would love having kids too.

[Deleted User]

Hi Pinkclouds,

I appreciate your impartial view. I completely agree with you that just because you and many people enjoy being mothers, doesn't mean everyone will. For a start I worry about how it will impact my relationship with my partner, the most important person in my life. I can't imagine a little person being dependent on me for so long and I worry about that as I don't particularly like babies.

I suppose something like an epidural is an option, although I know there are implications for having one. The main thing I feel about giving birth is that I would be in such a vulnerable position, trusting entirely the people around me and then, exhausted and tired, given a baby to look after who is up all night and losing my sleep and my identity. I know that's mostly to do with pride, but it scares me that I will lose a part of my 'self' and will become 'mum'. It also scares me that the bulk of child-rearing will be left to me, that my OH will be able to lead much the same life but that I will no doubt have to give up my job (at least temporarily) and my freedom. I don't think I could do it unless my OH and I agreed that we would share the childcare responsibilities, that we would both work part time and look after the child part time.

I absolutely agree that gushing about loving one's childen isn't very helpful for someone deciding whether or not to have children. It goes without saying that you love your children, but that does not distinguish the hard work and sacrifice involved in bringing up children. There are too many children who are brought into the world for the wrong reasons or whose parents resent the hard work involved in their upbringing. I want to ensure to the best of my ability, that I know what is involved and I make the right decision for myself, my OH and our potential children. I really appreciate your information and your ability to remain neutral, thank you!