Should I have a baby?

BugglyB

I think its important to remember you are not just having a baby, you will be having a child - look around you at the lives of people with 5 years olds, 8 year olds, 12 year olds - is that what you want for yourself? The pregnancy announcement is a fleeting bit of a lifetimes committment and work!

osian

Deleted_User,

I think the NICE guidelines have changed recently regarding maternal request for c sections. I've just tried to have a look for you and found this but there's more info there if you look for it. I don't think it's easy to get one but I think if you genuinely have a phobia and there's no other way you would consider having a baby then they will take you seriously.

http://guidance.nice.org.uk/CG132/ClinicalAudit/MaternalRequestForCaesareanSection/doc/English

To be honest, I'd totally ruled out having a baby in my twenties, then my sister had a baby who was breech so she needed a planned c-section. It was only after seeing how well she recovered that I started to consider it and it seemed like a viable option to me. I recovered very well too and it was the best option for me. If you want to go down this route do your research first and maybe speak to your GP as it's not always an easy option.

[Deleted User]

Suki: What a wonderful post, thank you. I really enjoyed reading about your experiences. I completely agree: most partners lives become extraordinarily different when they have a child. I would like to think that if I did decide to have one, we could come to some arrangement where we take on half the childcare each and both work part-time. I’m not sure it is viable though. You may be right that most people don’t mean to be insensitive when enquiring as to whether or not I’ll have children. My mother didn’t speak to me for fortnight when I told her but she said she was just coming to terms with the fact she wouldn’t have grandchildren. I suppose you’re right that most parents find having a child a profound experience and it completely changes their lives. It hurts when people call those who don’t have children selfish or unnatural because that tends to be untrue and with so many people have children for the wrong reasons, I wish the alternative were more accepted. However, I suppose my biggest worry is that if I don’t have children, I’ll miss out on so many experiences that are challenging and rewarding. Oh, and for the record, I understand what you mean about going abroad. I think anything that deviates from the norm is subject to criticism. I don’t drink alcohol and have been amazed at the number of times people have questioned me about that, as if it’s something I simply must do!

Burnoutbabe: I agree: trying to find people who support the choice not to have children is difficult. I have actually thought I’d be better off telling people I’m unable to have children and suffer their pity as opposed to the barrage of comments about my lifestyle I often get. I also agree that the lives of people with children will change dramatically whereas those without won’t change in any massive way, besides the freedom to do what they want at any time. As yet, I’m unsure as to whether I am content with going along with life the same way for the duration.

BugglyB: You’re absolutely right. It is a lifetime’s commitment which is why it’s not a simple decision to make. I often hear people say ‘I love babies, I can’t wait to have one’ and think that a baby is a baby for a short period of its life, they’ll be a fully grown person before long. One neighbour has had four children in quick succession because she loves babies so much. I don’t know if she has actually considered what it will be like when she has four teenagers to deal with.

Osian: Thank you for the information. That’s definitely something to think about. However, I know there can be a lot of complications with that too so I’m almost as scared about C-sections! I feel like adoption might be a good route for me but perhaps this will change with time.

Pollycat

Deleted_User wrote: »

However, I suppose my biggest worry is that if I don’t have children, I’ll miss out on so many experiences that are challenging and rewarding.

Just a small extract from your post, OP:
if you don't have children you may miss out on so many experiences but you need to consider the other side of the coin:
you may miss out on so many experiences if you do have children.

I agree with Gavin, the first person to reply:

Gavin83 wrote: »

To me it seems like you don't actually want children but feel like it's expected of you.

[Deleted User]

Thanks Pollycat, you're completely right. I suppose no one can experience everything in life, everyone misses out on things whatever decision they make. And Gavin was right too, I very much feel it's expected of me and so I don't know if I actually want to, or will ever really want to.

suki1001

Deleted_User wrote: »

Thanks Pollycat, you're completely right. I suppose no one can experience everything in life, everyone misses out on things whatever decision they make. And Gavin was right too, I very much feel it's expected of me and so I don't know if I actually want to, or will ever really want to.

What a shame you feel like you've got that pressure. I should think if I hadn't had my children mid twenties, I'd have got that too. You have got time to think about this though. Either way you strike me as someone who'll have a good life and you've worked hard to acheive that. I did meet a couple of women (near 40's) who found having a child a struggle, going from strong careers to then finding themselves at toddler groups.

I guess because your friends are having babies, it just brings that possiblity of thinking about children a bit closer. So it's not surprising these feelings are suddenly surfacing, when I guess you probably thought, if you did want children ever, you would find yourself getting broody.

I remember having similar feelings to you when one of my closest friends had a baby. I wasn't used to being around babies and there was something about this family unit that she was in that made me feel like her life looked complete. I had a rediculous conversation that I wanted a baby (bit of a tantrum if I'm honest), with my partner. Bizarrely I couldn't put my finger on what it was I felt, it wasn't broodiness. There just seemed a magnetism to their lifestyle. Although I didn't think so later when she had a second child fiteen months later and she suffered pnd and chucked her partner out after 2 years of marriage, but I can relate to how you feel.

[Deleted User]

suki1001 wrote: »

What a shame you feel like you've got that pressure. I should think if I hadn't had my children mid twenties, I'd have got that too. You have got time to think about this though. Either way you strike me as someone who'll have a good life and you've worked hard to acheive that. I did meet a couple of women (near 40's) who found having a child a struggle, going from strong careers to then finding themselves at toddler groups.

I guess because your friends are having babies, it just brings that possiblity of thinking about children a bit closer. So it's not surprising these feelings are suddenly surfacing, when I guess you probably thought, if you did want children ever, you would find yourself getting broody.

I remember having similar feelings to you when one of my closest friends had a baby. I wasn't used to being around babies and there was something about this family unit that she was in that made me feel like her life looked complete. I had a rediculous conversation that I wanted a baby (bit of a tantrum if I'm honest), with my partner. Bizarrely I couldn't put my finger on what it was I felt, it wasn't broodiness. There just seemed a magnetism to their lifestyle. Although I didn't think so later when she had a second child fiteen months later and she suffered pnd and chucked her partner out after 2 years of marriage, but I can relate to how you feel.

Interesting that some of your friends found it hard to go from strong careers to baby and toddler groups. To be honest, one of the things that least appeals to me about having a child is other children and their parents. I know that must sound awful but my tolerance for other children is pretty limited (even more so if they are very loud and demanding) and so I can't imagine going to toddler groups. I know that it's different when it's your own but still, you will naturally have to be around other children when you have a child and I don't know if I can stand that! Also, there are mothers who talk about nothing but their children and that bores me to tears. My friends who have children have a varied conversational repertoire. Of course they talk about their children, but they have retained a lot of their original identities, which is quite reassuring. I don't think I could bare to be around mothers whose children define them. Sorry if that sounds cruel!

I do think that in addition to the pressure that I often feel, many of the people around me are slaves to their children, giving in to their every demand and buying them ridiculously expensive gifts (one of my friends bought his 3 year old a £2,000 robot for Christmas. I couldn't believe this!) and so that style of parenting kind of puts me off. By no means am I suggesting that most people spoil their children in this way but I think it happens quite often.

It's ironic that you envied your friend's seemingly perfect life and later found out it had fallen apart. The feelings you describe (that kind of envy but not broodiness) very much sum up how I'm feeling just now. My friend who just announced she is pregnant is getting lots of praise, congratulations etc. and with the sun shining, people smiling and playing in the parks with their children, I guess I am idealising that kind of life a bit at the moment.

I think a lot of my trepidation and fear comes from the fact that my father left when I was little and his last words to me were expressing his regret at ever having had me. This has stayed with me throughout my life and has had a bit of a ricochet effect. I'm not suggesting that people who don't have children have had some terrible parental experience, but in my case, I have a bit of a block on seeing parenting as a joyful experience and have never actually considered having children until now, always telling myself it's something I'd never do.

DKLS

Interesting thread, my wife and I chose to be child free, as for us the benefits outweigh the societal expectations to bear children.

To the deathbed question that appeared earlier, I would rather have the knowledge that I had led a fulfilling life, had a varied and interesting career, helped others, and traveled the world.

From the observations of our friends with children and threads I have read on here I can't cannot see the attraction in having one, to me being a parent seems ruddy hard work, very stressful and expensive.

One couple we know their little boy has a genetic condition which has turned their lives upside down and causes the most horrific anxiety and stress for the parents as well as being crap for the poor kid, another couple their little devil child has just been labelled with ADHD which is a whole other threads worth of what he gets up to, Another couple have a fab little toddler with a great personality, but his parents look like warm death after a couple of years of little sleep.

If I contrast this with our child free friends the difference in profound.


OP be true to yourself, communicate with your husband and do what is right for you both.

suki1001

Ouch, that was cruel. Hmm, we grow up with the faults of our parents. I think a lot of people nowadays see becoming a parent as a background thing. i.e. you concentrate on your career and marriage/children is see as something we do a lot later and in some ways it must hit a lot of people when their friends start doing the baby thing, because you're not really thinking about it. We are in control of our lives and this decision in some ways means letting go of some of that control.

I must say, there were some parents I came across who were obsessed by their little darlings, especially when they start doing things like rolling over and walking, but then I made some very good friends, who were a brilliant support and are still close all these years later.

You kind of get throw together in groups, cos you're new, then quickly weed out the ones that annoy you! The earth mothers and panderers were gone quite quickly.

I remember at a toddler group, one particular mum asking if my child had reached a certain milestone yet, something like walking. I just said, no, she hadn't started walking yet, but we were concentrating on her reading!

It is amazing how quickly these years pass and they are very short in the grand scheme of things.

Other people's children, well yes I can see where you're coming from, but I did have one of those loud children and it might be that you have the same if you did have a child!

Those things you worry about seem very big, but they are very small negatives when it comes down to it. I remember a friend giving me reasons why they'd decided not to have another child and one of them was she'd have to get a bigger car! I did say is it just possible you don't want another child? Which was the crux of it.

For all the baby obsessors and annoying people I've met, I have to say I've met some amazing people who are fantastic and that I wouldn't change.

My friend I was telling you about, her life was far from perfect, it was just the unit that appealed to me.

Interestingly, my sister had a baby last year and she's become one of these annoying mums, we're actually not as close as we were, I think that will change with time though.

Re the spoiling your children. I won't buy mine tv's for their bedrooms, but I just bought my daughter £100 sewing machine, but because I think she will be learning a skill I can do with her, so you have an element of control even if others don't.

You might find out a lot about yourself these next few years and ultimately give you a better idea of what you'd like, which can only be a positive thing for sure.

suki1001

DKLS wrote: »

Interesting thread, my wife and I chose to be child free, as for us the benefits outweigh the societal expectations to bear children.

To the deathbed question that appeared earlier, I would rather have the knowledge that I had led a fulfilling life, had a varied and interesting career, helped others, and traveled the world.

From the observations of our friends with children and threads I have read on here I can't cannot see the attraction in having one, to me being a parent seems ruddy hard work, very stressful and expensive.

One couple we know their little boy has a genetic condition which has turned their lives upside down and causes the most horrific anxiety and stress for the parents as well as being crap for the poor kid, another couple their little devil child has just been labelled with ADHD which is a whole other threads worth of what he gets up to, Another couple have a fab little toddler with a great personality, but his parents look like warm death after a couple of years of little sleep.

If I contrast this with our child free friends the difference in profound.


OP be true to yourself, communicate with your husband and do what is right for you both.

I suppose in some ways it's a bit like chosing to be single. Some people know that they want to be single, but for some people that's a very strange concept. It's the only thing i can liken it to, if you wrote up the disadvantages to being in a couple, although in many ways it's very different.