Should I have a baby?

clairec79

It doesn't sound like you want a baby AT THE MOMENT at any rate, regardless of how you may feel in the future

Discuss things with your partner- you may find that if you earn more he'd be willing to take on the main carer role, that's what works for my family.

Fainting at a birth video is VERY different from giving birth yourself - for a start you're at the head end and too occupied to think about whats happening

Gillyx

Argh typed a big reply and lost it.

Just because you don't feel maternal doesn't mean you'd be a bad parent or you shouldn't have kids. I'm not maternal and don't particularly like other peoples children but I feel completely different about my own son. He truly is a wee miracle.

On the other hand, my own mother isn't in the slightest way maternal and still had me. My whole life I've felt a bit neglected by her and put to the side. Even from when I was really little, I had to fit around her plans, not the other way around. She didn't want to give up anything for me, and didn't. I missed birthday parties and dance classes, if it encroached on her free time. If you don't want to give up luxuries and things you enjoy in life, having children maybe isn't for you. I'm not saying you will have to, but it is a possibility.

My little boy is 8 weeks old, and the thing that's struck me most limiting is stupid little things like popping to the shop for bread and milk, or going for a hair cut, everything has to be prepped and planned, and even then it doesn't always work out as he may need fed earlier or later, or may be really cranky so I can't go at all. I was prepared for my freedom going and not naive, but I didn't realise just how much it affects the little things, even going to the toilet on my own is a luxury these days.

In saying all that, my son is my world and I can't imagine not waking up to his smiley face every morning and seeing him advance, albeit little things at a time, is worth its weight in gold.

cottonhead

I would say if there are doubts dont do it yet. I never wanted to get married or have kids. In fact kids really used to annoy me ! Then it just changed for no apparent reason and becomming a mum is the single best thing I have ever done. However it is the hardest as well. Totally changes everything. Despite some people claiming you can have it all I strongly disagree. If you become a mum you will probably have to sacrifice either your career or time with your child and will feel guilt as a result. You will have less money for sure. Child care is expensive and if you dont use childcare then you will no doubt drop your working hours. That can put a lot of stain on your whole life. I know it sounds obvious and I dont mean to patronise but its difficult to see how it actually impacts until you do it. You are also restricted in many ways - everything has to be planned and you dont get time to yourself - forget lie ins, lazy sundays, sunbathing holidays and quiet romantic dinners ! Even going to the toilet or trying to cook a meal. It changes your relationship a lot too. Your partner might feel neglected to an extent as most of your time is taken up with a baby and your sex life will certainly change. Its not very sexy when you think a chid could walk in / hear you at any point. Thats if you have the body confidence / energy anyway ! So you need to ensure your relationship can stand the change. The the circles you have to mix in when the kids start school, go to clubs. Its like a whole new world you didnt know was out there.
I would suggest borrowing a friends baby for a weekend if you have the opportunity !That will give you a taster of what its like to live with a child rather than just deal with the fun bits. I am very happy I became a mum when I did. It felt right and I had no doubts. It did change my life more tha I imagined though and once you are a mum there is no going back. Even when your child is grown up and leaves home, you never stop worrying about them , its just a different sort of worry. Bascially being a mum takes up every second of your being so you need to be sure or it could potentially ruin you.

stiltwalker

Echoing what some others have said, you are not even 30 yet so you are far from having to make an immediate decision. I am 34 and have 2 little ones, 3 and 10 months who I adore and who are my world. I am a stay at home mum and am doing an OU degree so I can go back to work in a more child friendly environment than my previous career as a chef once they are at school. However I don't coo over other people's babies and indeed I didn't even want children until I was 30 and with a new partner - just felt right with him. I still wasn't really expecting to enjoy the baby bit much but have surprised myself by thoroughly enjoying it.

Just thought I'd share my story and good luck with whatever decision you finally come to.

Person_one

Nicki wrote: »

I suspect it is the exception rather than the rule that your relationship with your own mother is replicated by your relationship with your children.

I don't think its the exception at all, I think history tends to repeat itself until someone or something special and strong breaks the chain.

People tend to parent the way they were parented unless there is some extreme external influence that shows them another way.

Make-it-3

Why do you feel you have committed to not having children? Just because you have told your partner so?

To my mind, your relationship with him which you have glossed over is more important. So you might be rethinking the possibility of children. Isn't it best just to open that up to him. The most important thing is that a couple agree on something as fundamental as this if they are planning a future together.

Wondering what kind of mother you might be when all others around you are doing so, is natural doesn't mean you go and do it. Perhaps you are envious of the attention they get and no one is saying to you whey-hey what wonderful things you are doing with your career.

I think the only thing you need to do is to open yourself to the possibility of children, nothing more, don't over think it. It doesn't need to fit into some lifestyle plan. But if you want to stick with your current partner then you need to know that you are on the same page even if its just for some indeterminate time in the future.

I think you have given many good reasons why it is not for now and rightly so. You can't have it all - you can't be climbing the career ladder and raising a child whatever some people try to tell you. Something has to give. Most make that sacrifice willingly because of the sheer joy that child brings into your life.

Forget the "am I, aren't I maternal" bit, for some people it only comes once that child is in their arms. And fear of pregnancy or childbirth is a red herring too. If you commit to take that jump, you take that all on and more.

Enjoy your life and just be open to all possibilities.

[Deleted User]

Hello everyone,

I really appreciate all your replies, you've made some extremely thoughtful points and I value them all. I am at work and will have trouble replying to each one individually I'm afraid but a few points struck me which I thought I should respond to.

Firstly, I don't view career or children as a 'one or the other' thing. I also don't view them as being anything alike and am not valuing my career above having children. If the urge struck me to have children, they would come first. As it is at the moment, my partner and my parents are first and foremost in my life and I would do anything for them and I have no doubt the same would apply should I have children. At the moment (and this may change) I can't imagine having to push my ambitions aside. It has always been my ambition to help people and I am able to do this through my career. When it comes to being on my death bed, I just want to know I've had a full and happy life, followed my ambitions and had wonderful people around me. Whether or not that involves children, I don't know.

Nicki: I really appreciate your post and your honesty. I admire any parent who has a disabled child as I imagine this involves twice the sacrifice and dedication that able-bodied children require. I was expecting a lot of people to say the usual: 'you'll change your mind one day' and 'children are a blessing' but it is refreshing to read admissions of parents that having children is difficult and not all sugar-coated.

Pmlindyloo: Thank you. I do feel a sense of urgency in making this decision, perhaps because everyone around me seems to. I lose sight of the fact that I have several years to make up my mind, though obviously the urgency will increase as time goes on. I suppose my main concern is that I will remain on the fence: that I will remain ambivalent and end up not making a decision in either direction. I have heard that when you enter your 30s things change and I hope they do in a way, I hope I get some direction because I am currently experiencing this sense of inner conflict where I feel very little desire to have a child but a growing sense of urgency to make a decision and just to know what might happen in the future. I agree that no one can really tell you how you will feel when your children are born, and it is an experience completely unlike any other. I'm just not sure yet if it's one I wish to experience myself.

Osian: Thank you. I have been with my partner for 5 years now (we are not married but do intend to marry if we both make compatible decisions re: having children. I'm well-aware this is a non-negotiable). I have considered c-sections though really don't know much about them. I wasn't even aware you could decide to have a c-section if you wish. I suppose if I wanted a baby enough this would eclipse my fear of childbirth.

Person_one: you are correct in saying it is such comments that make me feel anxious or guilty for not wanting children. Even if I decide to have children, I will remain entirely supportive of people who are child-free. One person's experience is nothing like that of another person so people who try to guilt-trip others just indicates to me someone who is looking for validation for their own choice. I have gained the most from the posts of people who, whether or not they have children, acknowledge that is a choice and not one that everyone must make.

Tinktinktinkerbell: As I stated at the beginning, I am aware only I can make this decision but am looking for some support and advice from impartial people upon whom my decision has no baring. People share their birth stories on this forum, I see no problem in asking people on an internet forum for their input.

Dizziblonde: I am not sure why I experience envy when my friends make their announcements. I don't think it's because the friendship will change as I support them and am excited to be a part of their children's lives. In a sense, I think my feelings are to do with the discrepency between what I want to do and what I believe I should want to do, which is reiterated whenever another friend announces their pregnancy. I think it is extremely sad that even in this day and age, some people still view women as only worthy if they have children. It's absolutely ridiculous and implies that even their own children are not worthy unless they pro-create. I suppose it is the ignorant comments I am faced with that makes me feel the need to justify myself and makes me more resistent to having children. I usually find however, that people who make comments like this are generally ignorant and do not accept any lifestyle choice that is different to their own, so that allows me to take their comments less personally. It sounds like you've had to deal with your fair share of cr*p from inconsiderate people too but I am glad it has worked out for you and it definitely sounds like your decision was a well-thought out one and not based on the approval and validation of anyone else, unlike my current one is I fear.

Meer53: Thank you. I appreciate your advice. I would like to be younger than 35 before I make my decision as I am aware of the possible consequences of leaving it too late. I am aware that raising children is more rewarding than a career, I don't really think the two are comparable. I do however think that a career can be extremely rewarding, especially when it is in a field where you are helping other people. May I ask what you mean by letting nature decide? I assume you mean not using contraceptives or anything? I agree that each person should make their own decision and try not to be influenced by what other people say but that is sometimes extremely difficult.

Savingmummy: I am hoping that I will just know one way or the other for definite one day. At the moment I am very indecisive. Interesting question: If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow I would be terrified but also excited and would perhaps feel that it was meant to be. I'm not sure. How I feel about that changes daily, even hourly. I had a 'scare' last month and I was extremely worried as I certainly don't feel emotionally ready. I suppose if I were to become pregnant whilst using birth control anyway, it might be a sign that it is meant to be. Of my two friends who had horrible births, neither have yet had another child. One had a blood clot and had to have her leg removed so while she has a healthy daughter, she won't repeat the experience. I agree that you have a child after the birth and that is very special but I don't know if I would be willing to take that risk. I think if the fear remains and I did want a child, I would adopt.

Pinkclouds: Don't worry, this is something we talk about often. I have always said if I decided not to have children and he did want them, I would not want him to sacrifice that for me. It is a very tricky situation because obviously if that happened, he would then have to find someone to fall in love with and have a child with and he has expressed that he cannot imagine being in love with anyone but me. I am very realistic about the fact this isn't something that can be compromised on, I wouldn't even attempt to compromise or expect my OH to make any compromises or sacrifices on my behalf. That would just lead to resentment. The idea of having a helpful and caring obstetrician would put my mind at rest but I just don't like the whole idea of giving birth. Some people view it as the most natural thing in the world. I just can't see it as being that way. As I said, pregnancy doesn't have that effect on me, I think I would embrace that. Being in so much pain, having the potential of there being serious problems and being in such a vulnerable position in a room full of people just makes me wince and I can't imagine that the months leading up to it would be at all enjoyable knowing that would happen. I found your question as to whether I feel I would regret having or not having children more. I would definitely regret not doing what was best for me and not being true to myself. At the moment, the right thing in that case would be not to have children as my current (small) desire is based more on a rose-tinted vision of motherhood: that it would mean board games, running around the garden with my child, listening to them talk about their day etc. as opposed to the reality, which also involves a lot of heartache. I appreciate your honesty about being a mother. Although as Nicki said, it was an assumption that I had a good relationship with my mum, we actually do have a wonderful relationship and she means the world to me so I suppose I have that experience of being very much loved by my mother, but also pushing her buttons at times!

CamNolliesmum: I'm glad things worked out for you! You sound so happy. I guess sometimes things should just be left up to chance rather than thinking about them so much. Maybe if I didn't ruminate so much over the pros and cons and just let things work out for themselves, that would be great.

Milliemonster: I agree entirely that you can't give 100% to both a career and children. My education and career is something that I am passionate about, but it's also not the be-all-and-end-all. I am delighted to come home to my partner but juggling family and a career is just not realistic and I don't think woman should be expected to be superhuman. I really appreciate reading the input of someone who isn't in the least maternal. I am not maternal but have been accused of 'hating children' because I didn't go all mushy when a colleague brought in her newborn. I tend to put my headphones in when going to the supermarket because I can't stand the incessant screams of some young children there and am always appreciative of a child who is quiet and polite. I am told often that I will regret not having children, but this is not necessarily true. I have 2 sets of aunts and uncles who have never had children and they lead very full lives. I suppose if you commit to a choice and know there will be sacrifices you'll have to make, there won't be much room for regret since you know you did the best you could at the time.

Jediquigley: You sound a lot like me. I don't think childbirth is putting me off. I think that at the moment, I don't feel that the end product is worth going through the pain if that makes sense. If I wanted a child enough, that wouldn't prevent me or be an issue but as I'm not sure I want a child, it's a pretty big issue. I think your reasons for deciding to have a child are really good ones. I know I would make a good mother but for me, I don't feel like it's a natural thing to do, at least not anytime soon.

Meritaten: You make some really good points! If I could see past the 'giving birth' part and look solely at raising a child, it seems like I would enjoy it. It seems like a positive thing and an experience I would cherish. As a result, I have thrown the possibility of adoption into the mix as I don't feel strongly that I want a child that has my genes (although my partner might feel differently) and would very much like to help a child who has been less fortunate and ensure they had a healthy and happy upbringing. Thank you for your kind words and for not judging: you're right, it's no one else's decision but my own, although with the pressures I sometimes feel, it makes it difficult to determine where society's expectations end and my feelings begin.

Gillyx: I agree that your own will always be different. I find it difficult reading about people like your mother's treatment of their children which is why I know I would need to be fully committed before having a child as I would never like them to feel pushed aside or second best. My father left when I was young and I have always felt 'not good enough' and with that in mind, I would never want to inflict that sense of hurt on another human, particularly a vulnerable child. I don't have many luxuries in my life at the moment, I get the most pleasure from helping others and having some time to read a good book as opposed to buying things for myself. The way you speak about your son is truly lovely.

Cottonhead: Thank you for showing a different side to motherhood than the side that is often gushed about in celeb mags! I definitely think that besides all the benefits of having children, they take away your freedom and you are unable to do what you want when you want. I have 'borrowed' my cousin's young children for a day or two but that was mainly because they were forced upon me because she was so knackered! I really enjoyed the time with my little cousins but gladly handed them back at the end of the day, completely knackered myself. Thank you for mentioning that if motherhood isn't for you, it could potentially ruin your life. This is something that is rarely said but is a very real possibility.

Stiltwalker: It sounds like you've had a really good experience with your little ones. I suppose I should feel as if I want children with my OH. He is a wonderful person and so tolerant and supportive and kind, yet I don't have that urge despite people previously telling me that 'when you meet the right person, you'll want his babies'. The right person is here and I am very hesitant. Perhaps when I turn 30 things will change as I've been assured they will. I'm glad you enjoyed the baby stage. I myself am not keen on babies in the slightest, I prefer when children have a little personality and are toddlers and older so I personally can't imagine enjoying that myself, but it's good to know that reality is often different to what you expect.

Make-it-3: I very much agree with you that this is something both partners must agree on. My OH used to say things like 'if I had a son...' or 'if I have children...' as if that's what he was expecting from his future, but has also told me that he can imagine us being very happy together without children and he is not ready to decide yet. He found out his best friend from university was pregnant 2 days ago. He was pleased for her but a little indifferent. I definitely think he is on the fence and that we are each other's main priority for the time being and perhaps forever. I think you're right about opening up to the possibility as opposed to being so against the idea of having children and not allowing myself to even think in that direction. I think the difficulty is that neither of us are decided one way or the other and that could result in us going our separate ways in the future if we decide upon different things. That is a major anxiety for me.

Thank you all again for your input. Sorry this post has been a bit rushed and I understand that, because of where my mind is at the moment, I may have been contradictory in some places. I really appreciate all your help and suggestions. xx

suki1001

While, I realise you a way off deciding if you want a baby, I just want to tell you what I did to help myself, in terms of fear of childbirth.

First child, hated the epidual, felt all un-natural, so I was quite frightened I could cope with a second child. Not because the first was painful - it wasn't, just didn't like the lack of control and wanted to know I could cope.

I went to hypnotherapy with someone who specialized in labour. Result - said to husband, straight after birth of ds "I could do that again." The thing that it helped with was relaxing - it took relaxation to a bit of a deeper level, which is good when you're in labour, because sometimes it difficult.
My friend said it wasn't as painful as breaking her thumb. That was a real thing I focussed on. It's a different kind of pain. I thought spraining my wrist was far worse

From my experience of having children, I found when they were younger, it was really hard, but each child is different. first child, really hungry baby, didn't like being with anyone else and threw the tantrums from hell, because she was so strong willed. Second child was easy and it wasn't quite so hard. Now mine are 8 and 11, they are so much more independant.

Although there is a part when they are younger, where you don't have enough hands and you really have to make time for your partner and possibly the most difficult bit for me that a lot of mums struggle with is that your and your partners lives become completely different. Especially at the beginning, they're at work and you're at home. you want to hand the baby to them, because you've had the baby all day. They want to put their feet up because they've been at work all day. It's a big issue for a lot of couples. Mix it with sleepless nights and it can get pretty stressful.

The other thing I found was, people automatically have preconceived ideas of the best way to bring up children somewhere in their subconscience, this can sometimes clash with your partner. You assume because you get on, that you'll have the same views on bringing up a child, I discussed it with my oh before we had children, and when the heat was on and the tantrums were blazing, it suddenly appeared we had completely different views.

All this placed stress on my relationship, but we did get through it, we're not competing who has a lie in anymore and we have a social life.

After the toddler bit, it does get a lot easier, but nobody gives you a guide book. I'm now learning how to deal with a brilliant yet sometimes hormonal daughter!

You're right, there isn't a rush. You shouldn't feel under any pressure from people and it is purely your decision. While I'm not sure the pressure is meant to be insensitive as it comes across, I think because most people who have children find it such a profound experience, it's very difficult to look at it impartially.

ps also found my MIL unbearable at times - remember her staring at my boob when I was breastfeeding - grrr. we have a very good relationship now though.

I don't fly and won't go abroad, people talk to me like I'm nuts and say I should do, as if it's the law and are incredulous I wouldn't want to go on a holiday abroad, even though some places mentioned sound my idea of a nightmare. This is rubbish speak as is the "you must have children" mantra.

burnoutbabe

i think the feeling in your 30s when friends announce pregnancies, is often that they will get a lot of change in their lives.

And if you don't have kids, well your life with your partner, whether married/unmarried will be pretty much the same in 5/10/20 years time. which sounds boring (even if you really don't want kids and without kids you could potentially up and move to australia/travel for a year/go back to Uni much more easily etc etc)

you rarely, apart from via these sort of online forums, get people encouraging you NOT to have kids, and people with kids mostly think they are the best thing ever and encourage you to have them, and of course saying back to them "but your kids are boring/rude/so much hassle" is never an option. so you don't usually get an open dialogue on the subject.

I think unless you feel a big urge, the risk of having them after thinking "what if" is that you will actually think "hm, well that wasn't the best choice". Though most of me thinks if you have them, some inbuilt instinct to love your own regardless kicks in and you'd mostly enjoy it.

good luck with the thinking!

POPPYOSCAR

Person_one wrote: »

I don't think its the exception at all, I think history tends to repeat itself until someone or something special and strong breaks the chain.

People tend to parent the way they were parented unless there is some extreme external influence that shows them another way.

I totally disagree.

I have a very close relationship with my children unlike my mother, and the way she was, made me determined to be different with them.The same goes for my siblings and their children.

I also have a friend who was not protected by her mother and now she is overprotective with her own children.