Should I have a baby?

[Deleted User]

1886 wrote: »

OP, I get the feeling you feel you should have a child because other people around you do or are doing so. Instead of doing what you think you should do, do what you want to do.

1886: you are absolutely right. I can't help but feel that it's something I should do rather than something I really desire. I have people telling me non-stop the joys of motherhood as if it's some new trend I must try. I have heard people say things such as life is worthless without children, children are the key to happiness and fulfillment, you're not a natural woman if you don't have children...the choice not to have children is rarely validated and it can feel quite isolating when everyone around you seems to feel quite differently to you. I often feel quite abnormal or feel left out and no matter how much I try, I can't make myself want what I don't want. I am someone who cares a lot about the opinions of others and feel that I need to conquer this and truly listen to what I want and desire rather than what other people insist will make me happy. I appreciate that having children is a great experience for many people, but I cannot stand people insisting that they know you and what you want more than you do yourself.

POPPYOSCAR

But why on earth would you let people make you feel like that?

To have a child because other people make you feel you should is so wrong imo.

You need to have the self-confidence to be you and live your life according to how you want to live it.

Having a child is not just about the 'baby' the beautifully decorated nursery, the cute baby clothes etc. Nor is it about fulfilling others expectations, or giving parents grandchildren.

It is a HUGE commitment,both emotionally and financially and one that never ends.

Better imo to not have a child and regret it than to have one and regret it.

[Deleted User]

I agree Poppyoscar, I would never enter into something so huge and with the potential impact on so many people just because it's what other people expect. However, I am sick and tired of having to justify why I do not want children and even then told I will change my mind. I accept, my mind might change, but it is far more likely not to, and I don't understand why some people find that so acceptable, as if we have to procreate to validate our existence or worth. You're right that I need to have the self-confidence to be me and, despite what others may tell me, know that this is a decision I won't regret.

pinkclouds

Deleted_User wrote: »

I often feel quite abnormal

I don't know if this will help but remember that the "average" 2.4 kids situation is because some people have no kids and some people have lots of kids. If you don't have any kids then you are quite normal. You're just not "average". That's two very different things.

If you... feel in some way "obliged" to society then there are lots of ways to "care" for the next generation without actually having a baby yourself. You could be a dutiful godmother, agree to stand "in loco parentis" for a good friend should the worst happen, sponsor a child in a poorer country, support a children's charity, donate (doesn't have to be eggs - blood is always welcome and a teaspoonful can be enough to help a premie), etc.

The world cannot have too many kind, thoughtful people who care about the future and the good of Mankind. However, the world is certainly not short of new babies. My sister doesn't want to have kids. She is a great sister and a fab auntie and nothing could change how much she is loved whether she has kids or not. She *is* normal - and so are you.

[Deleted User]

Thank you Pink Clouds, your post really moved me, I really appreciate your kind words and it is good to know that you clearly do not love your sister any less because she chooses not to have children. It is difficult to lose sight of the fact that I am loved and have many people who care for me when a lot of people around me are pressurising me to have children and appear not to accept the fact I don't have that desire.

You're absolutely right in saying that there are many ways to help the next generation. I suppose that not having children frees up time that I can spend volunteering, and I already give blood as often as I can. Thank you for saying I am normal (something I rarely feel!) I suppose my focus should be on the people who love me and support my choice without question as opposed to those who constantly ask for justification. Your post has made my day xx

POPPYOSCAR

Deleted_User wrote: »

Thank you Pink Clouds, your post really moved me, I really appreciate your kind words and it is good to know that you clearly do not love your sister any less because she chooses not to have children. It is difficult to lose sight of the fact that I am loved and have many people who care for me when a lot of people around me are pressurising me to have children and appear not to accept the fact I don't have that desire.

You're absolutely right in saying that there are many ways to help the next generation. I suppose that not having children frees up time that I can spend volunteering, and I already give blood as often as I can. Thank you for saying I am normal (something I rarely feel!) I suppose my focus should be on the people who love me and support my choice without question as opposed to those who constantly ask for justification. Your post has made my day xx

Of course you are 'normal', there was another thread about deciding not to have children and there were lots and lots of poster who feel the same way as you.

Perhaps there are more people who think this way than you realize.

1886

I'm 33 and my wife is 27, we've been together for four years and married for one year. Nearly all of our friends are our age, only a couple of them have kids. My brother (30) has a one year old girl. We don't feel ready to have children and it's not high on our agenda.

barbiedoll

Hi OP, have just read this thread with interest. I just wanted to say that if you have to think so hard about whether or not to have a baby, then you clearly don't want one (or two!)
Most women who want a baby, will find that there are always reasons not to go ahead, usually money worries, career prospects, unsuitable housing etc etc. And yet they still go ahead and get pregnant, as most of us mothers will testify, things have a way of working out eventually and even if they don't, we manage somehow.

But.....there's absolutely nothing wrong with being childless by choice. In my family, the urge to breed isn't particularly strong. Of my mum's siblings, two of them were childless by choice and the other two had only one child each. My mum had three of us and I'm the only one with a child, my brother and sister are both childless as is my cousin. I have several childless friends too, I don't just hang out with other mothers so that I can talk about breastfeeding and GCSE's, thank goodness!

I wasn't particularly maternal, I was 10 years old when my sister was born so I knew that babies weren't just cute and cuddly, they were bloody hard work. I didn't ever think that I would have children, when I met my husband, I was quite clear on that point and he wasn't bothered, he has kids by his first wife anyway so he'd already been there and done that.

I can remember exactly the moment when I changed my mind, I saw a picture of my husband with his daughter (as a baby) on his knee and for some inexplicable reason it just hit me then. We spoke about it, he was really happy for us to go ahead and that was that. I don't regret it for a moment but it has changed my life forever and there are lots of things that I probably would have been able to do were I not a (skint) mother. I haven't travelled as much as I would have liked, I can't afford new clothes, I don't go to gigs as often, I haven't been to a festival for years, I spend all of my free time washing, ironing and cajoling my kid to do his homework and so on and so on. I wouldn't change it for the world, but that's just me. My sister loves my son but she is quite happy with her world of pubs, clubs, travel plans and the latest fashions and why not? She has a great career which she enjoys and she is quite content with her lot.

If the maternal urge happens to you, you will recognise it straight away. If it doesn't, then so what? Don't stress about it now, it's obviously not the right time for you. Enjoy your life, don't listen to anyone else, do what's best for you.