Should I have a baby?

clairehi

Hello GoldenGurl,

Can I recommend you read "Life After Birth" by Kate Figes?

It is not a parenting manual, but an interesting, and challenging read about the experience of becoming a parent, warts and all.

She is of course writing from the point of view of a parent, and not someone who has chosen the childfree route, but I think it shows that many mothers would acknowledge your concerns, and have struggled to deal with the issues you raise, but there is a way through it all without losing your identity. It might just give you some new perspectives to help in thinking this all through.

I havent time to read the whole thread so sorry if this book has already been mentioned.

[Deleted User]

Hi Clairehi,

I'll definitely check this out, thank you. It hasn't been mentioned yet but I mentioned earlier a book called A Life's Work which is an honest account of new motherhood which I found very interesting and honest. I'd really recommend it to people in a similar position to me or new mothers who are struggling. Thanks again Claire!

totmalysh

Hi Deleted_User.

You have had quite a hip of replies of very well weighted and argued replies so far. After reading the discussion i have decided to add my bit.
I can definitely identify with a few of your ideas. Let me explain: I am 30, well-educated, I have always been career-minded and with a greatest fear of childbirth. (From own experience knowing too much about pregnancy and birth or the psychological aspects does increase the fear, as you have too much understanding of what could go wrong and seem to be stuck on the negative sides of it). I have been married for the last 8 years and with my husband 9 years, and I never felt that I want him to be the father of my children (mainly due to issues with in-laws).

Before I got pregnant (my baby is now 6 months old) I felt almost physical pressure on me to have children, friends had them, parents hinted, my husband was silent but his presence was a reminder too.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis, when the lining of the womb grows in other parts of the body and causes pain, following the diagnosis I have had to have 2 laparoscopies to remove the tissue, my doctor suggested getting pregnant ASAP to cure it. This is when I faced my fear first, I sought a meeting with a psychologist to secure a Cesarean section even before I was pregnant! This meeting was helpful and I got the recommendation for C/S, a year and a surgery later, just 3 months after stopping the pill I discovered that I was pregnant which came as a huge shock, as endometriosis makes it difficult to conceive.

In the year prior conception I read all that I could about C/S as this was my choice, I was worried I would not be allowed to have one, but NICE guidelines have changed and C/S may now be requested without a medical reason.

Through the pregnancy I saw a psychologist to help me deal with my fear of childbirth, it did not cure my fear entirely but I was willing to consider giving birth by the end of my pregnancy, nevertheless I had the c/s date booked, but my baby decided otherwise. I ended up having a C/S but I can truly say that visiting a clinical psychologist (you may be referred through your GP or midwife) did ease my fears. She was able to organise a one-to-one care for me, I saw the same midwives through the pregnancy and had the best support possible.

Please be aware that I am not advocating C/S as it is a major operation and should not be taken lightly, in my case I recovered very quickly (I was up and about the next day, and I had 3 operations previously!). I would recommend reading impartial sources on what it is and how it is done. I wish that I could spare my baby coughing up dark brown substance from her lungs by giving birth to her, but I could not bear the pain even with the epidural.

Again like you previously I did not feel maternal, I wouldn't coo over other people's babies, the idea of children was alien to me.
Having a child has not changed my career-mindedness, it has put in a different perspective. I like watching her grow, but I do not go on about her with everyone, as I appreciate the fact others may not care. If I am asked, I will answer, but I will not force my fascination with her on others. My life has definitely changed but it is just another side of me.

Try not to bow to pressure for or against having children, let it be conscious decision. I do not regret mine, and although I have thoughts "why did I not have the child before?", I am glad I did not, if it had happened even 6 months earlier, I might have been regretting it now. But now I enjoy her company as she is sitting beside me on the couch and babbling while I type. And if you decide to adopt, then a child will gain a brilliant mother who is not afraid to question herself.

By the way, I never flashed my pregnant belly or baby's scan on facebook an the like, and do not understand those who do that, as I want to keep my child to myself as it is my private matter.

[Deleted User]

Hi Totmalysh,

I really enjoyed reading your post and could identify with a lot of what you have written. I enjoyed the lack of romanticism in your post, the lack of ‘but you’ll regret not having children’ that I often hear from new mothers. I’m guessing you suffered a lot of this yourself before you had your daughter. Reading your story and the medical difficulties you encountered before and during your pregnancy, it angers me even more that people place so much pressure on women to have children. No one should pressurise you to undergo any kind of medical procedure if you are not willing, and childbirth is a risk, especially if you have pre-existing medical problems. I often think the people who pressurise you have completely ignored the risks involved and are looking at things through rose-tinted specs and what they can get out of the other person having children, whether grandchildren or validation for their own choice. I can only imagine how they might feel if they pressurised someone and something awful happened while they were giving birth. I suppose that’s one of the reasons why having children must be a personal decision and one not to be taken lightly.

If I’m honest, I am surprised that your doctor would suggest getting pregnant to cure your endometriosis. I wouldn’t have thought that was very responsible advice. It’s great the clinical psychologist alleviated many of your fears and that you recovered quickly from your C-section. It’s also great that having a baby does not seem to have changed your identity in fundamental ways: you are still the same person, but have some new life experiences. Obviously giving birth changes a person a great deal and makes them reassess their priorities, but it confuses me when people claim to be a completely different person, as if they are ashamed of their pre-parenthood self or have undergone a lobotomy. It’s the people who place themselves on a pedestal simply because they have had a child that I have no time for, the ones who claim to know the true meaning of being a woman. I remember an episode of Sex and the City where a new mother says to Carrie (who doesn’t have children) ‘I don’t have time to buy shoes, I have a real life now’. Although it’s only a TV show, I have encountered some people like that in real life. However, it’s lovely to know, through your post and others, that such attitudes aren’t necessarily common, that other things exist in your life besides your children. Of my friends who have had children, it’s the ones who remain much the same that I see the most. Obviously becoming a parent has changed their lives in many ways, but they are still the same, just have a few more experiences and responsibilities. I have lost a few friends to parenthood though. One in particular talked about nothing but breastfeeding after she’d had her two children (she was only 22 at the time) and, having no knowledge or interest in the subject which seemed to consume her, I decided it might be best to leave her to it and reconnect when her children are a little older. As for Facebook…I dunno. It takes a certain type of person to flaunt their pregnant belly on Facebook, just as it takes a certain type of person to give birth on TV. One of my cousins become completely obsessed with her pregnancy, taking pictures of her belly every day, making several announcements per day on her symptoms, displaying sonograms as her profile picture and, when her baby was born, updating his activities multiple times every day from ‘Jack just did a poo in the bath!’ to ‘Jack just puked up his dinner!’ When I expressed to her that I didn’t think I wanted children, she told me I wasn’t allowed to visit hers ‘until you stop hating children’. This really hurt me. Luckily though, most parents realise that simply not wanting children is not equal to disliking them. I completely agree with you that pregnancy, birth, having a child is a very private matter and shouldn’t be flaunted on Facebook.



Thanks again for your post Totmalysh, you sound like a wonderful person and mother.

clairehi

Deleted_User wrote: »

Hi Clairehi,

I'll definitely check this out, thank you. It hasn't been mentioned yet but I mentioned earlier a book called A Life's Work which is an honest account of new motherhood which I found very interesting and honest. I'd really recommend it to people in a similar position to me or new mothers who are struggling. Thanks again Claire!

No worries. Was "A Life's Work" the one by Rachel Cusk? If so, I thought that was pretty grim reading although I love her fiction - motherhood is not (usually) that bad honest The bit where she forces herself to go to the theatre (I think) whilst still recovering from her C-section really made me cringe!

ps Kate Figes book is not just her own personal account but includes lots of wider interesting research as well.

[Deleted User]

Yes, that's the one Claire! I agree, it was a bit brutal at times but I guess that was her experience. It was good for me to read a memoir that wasn't sugar-coated, although perhaps Rachel Cusk went in the completely opposite direction! It's tough to find a balanced view in the books. I have a book which I think is called something like The Baby Question or something (don't think that's the exact title) and it's written by a woman who didn't want children, but who then went on to have kids. Although a lot of it is very fair, she talks about her child being a God-like creature, and says that when he was born, she physically saw a light shining from his head as if he was Messiah. I found this a bit odd and overly sentimental, which is why I enjoyed A Life's Work and the responses on the forum. If I'm going to have children (which is still a massive 'if') I want to know the cold hard reality rather than expecting a little angel! I have added the book you recommended to my Amazon basket.

JEEC

Deleted_User wrote: »

JEEC: I really admire the honesty of many people on this thread, it is above and beyond what I was expecting. I imagine that many people, like your friend, love their children but hate being a parent and all it entails. I also think that many parents feel such love for their children that nothing else can compare, and that is lovely. I think becoming a parent is a risk. No matter how good a parent you are, there is still the risk your child will be very difficult and demanding and that you will have a very difficult pregnancy, birth etc. People who are sure they want children feel the risk is worth it, I just don’t know if I am willing to take it and potentially end up resentful. I know in my heart of hearts that if I did decide to have children, it would be well-considered and thought-out as opposed to impulsive and based on some biological urge. For a start, I have had health problems myself and really don’t do well on lack of sleep. Your pregnancy sounds so horrific, it’s so wonderful that you and your son are ok. An old housemate of mine had an experience that sounds similar to yours. She had a horrendous birth and was very close to death. When I saw her husband 3 days after the birth, he was completely out of it, he’d been through hell and back as he wasn’t allowed into the room to see his wife and was stuck wondering what had happened for over 24 hours. It took a long long time for them to enjoy their daughter because the birth was so horrific and she had to have an emergency C-section which completely ruined her body, she still has difficulty moving. For me, at least for the moment, the risk seems so great and can’t imagine why anyone would see it as being worth all that pain, which indicates that perhaps motherhood isn’t for me. At the same time, how do you ever know if you don’t take that risk? It’s wonderful that you had such great medical staff and that you enjoy being a mum so much. Did you think you’d enjoy it before you became pregnant? It’s good to know that you changed your mind a lot. I think, as someone suggested before, leaving it up to nature to decide for you is a good idea if you’re unsure.


I really liked what you said about your childless relatives and friends. I feel that childfree people are an asset to people with children. Although I find random children in supermarkets etc. difficult to deal with, I have often been on call for a couple of friends when they are completely knackered. I get on very well with those children, which further complicates things for me in terms of my own decision. As many people have said, I feel I would really love seeing my child grow-up and share many special moments with them. However, the risk is so great…


I can see why having a child would put a strain on your relationship and bring you closer together. I also agree with the fact that I could adopt or foster should I decide too late that I want children. The decision to adopt seems like a completely different one to having your own child, perhaps because I don’t know anyone who has adopted and have no point of reference. It’s certainly something I’d consider seriously, though I’m aware that the adoption process in England is really tough-going. You made some fantastic points in your post, thank you. I’m going to read yours and some of the other posts whenever I’m feeling a bit indecisive!

Apologies for not replying sooner. In my case I think I knew that I'd eventually have a child one day, it was more a case of when. Our son wasn't planned, our contreception failed and I was in shock for the first few months of the pregnancy and remember saying to people that I wasn't ready. I'd wanted to wait until we were more financially secure and until the house had been done up, and until I was a bit closer to 40. Also I had a fear of childbirth. My OH was delighted when we found out I was pregnant as he did want kids and I knew he'd never forgive me if I decided not to continue with the pregnancy and that would have been the end of our relationship. There were times when I was pregnant that I did wonder if I was doing the right thing, and I think I struggled to accept that I actually was pregnant. I refused to go shopping for anything for the baby until a few weeks before he was born, alot of stuff we bought in the last 4 weeks because I kept saying "there's plenty of time yet".

I'd had plenty of exposure to friends children before my son was born so I knew I'd enjoy being a mother, my main issue was that the timing just wasn't right for me. He's one now and I'm so glad I did continue with the pregnancy, and being a mum has definitely changed me. I have absolutely no regrets.

I was made redundant whilst on maternity leave (it wasn't a shock, I knew before I went it would happen) but whilst pregnant I had said that I expected I'd be looking for a new job once the baby was 3 months, as I'd be wanting to get back to work quite quickly. I've always been the higher wage earner and I was focussed on my career at the point of falling pregnant. We'd discussed whilst pregnant that I didn't want having a baby to interfere with my career so if one of us was to give up work, I would expect it to be him. Fast forward a year, and I'm only just feeling well enough to return to work now (still not fully recovered but well enough to work), however, I'm looking for jobs at a lower level than my previous posts (I'll still be the higher wage earner despite this). I've changed because I just want to work 9-5, come home and forget about work. I've put my career aspirations on hold, if anything in reverse, but I don't mind, my focus is now on my son. I would never have thought that would have happened before he was born.

I don't wish to sway your decision either way (I'm just letting you know about my experience), and I hope you don't mind me saying but from reading all your posts in this thread it sounds to me like you don't want children. From what I've read I think it's other people putting pressure on you, making you feel abnormal for not wanting them, and it's that which is making you question whether you want children or not. If scan pictures repulse you and you don't like the smell of newborns then it sounds like motherhood isn't for you. (I hope that doesn't sound harsh, I'm sure you'd be a great mum if you did decide to have a child, I'm just giving my opinion based on what you've written).

You also touched on anxiety about babies, and I must admit this is something I do struggle with. Sometimes I get no sleep because I have to keep checking my son is breathing. This might be because he wasn't breathing and had to be resuscitated when he was born. I don't disturb him, but if I can't see his chest moving I will sit there until I either hear him breathe or see him move. Although he's generally healthy now he has had to be hospitalised a couple of times in his first year for different reasons so I'm finding that there's always something to worry about, and I've never been to the doctors as many times in my life as I have since I had him (and I'm not one of those that takes my baby to the doctors for no reason, everytime I've been he has been genuinely ill and required medication. My doctor says that babies spend the majority of the first 3 years being ill).

Being well into my 30s I did have a few relatives comment "well it was about time, we thought you were leaving it a bit late" when I announced my pregnancy and also I got told not to be "so silly" when I said I didn't think I was ready yet. In my experience, the people that try to put pressure on others to have children just have a narrow view of life and think everyone should conform to one way of doing things.

Personally, I have a great deal of respect for any woman who has made the decision that she doesn't want children. And it's a shame that others question this, why some people can't understand that just because they have/want children not everybody does I will never know. Life would be very boring if we were all the same! Also, I don't think anybody should have to justify why they don't want kids. If you don't want them you don't want them.

I hope my post doesn't come across as overly pessimistic. I do love being a mother and could quite easily write an essay on all the joys of motherhood, but I don't think extolling the joys of motherhood is very helpful to somebody who isn't sure, and I think it's important to point out that it's not all a bed of roses! What I would say is, although there are a lot of negative things about motherhood, to me they are all worth it and I don't mind the negative bits in the slightest I'd rather go through them and have him than not have him, but I do appreciate this might not be the same for everyone.

Good luck with whatever you decide/happens x

faerie~spangles

Deleted_User wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I am de-lurking to ask for some advice on whether or not to have a baby. An odd thing to ask strangers perhaps and admittedly, only I can answer this question but I am hoping for some input that might lead me in one direction or another. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

I am fast heading towards my 30s and it seems like everyone around me is pregnant or has children. I have been with my wonderful partner for several years and have always made it clear that having children isn't something on my 'to-do' list. He has accepted this and has said he was undecided and probably wouldn't know what he wanted until he was in his 30s. Although I haven't wanted children (purely because of a lack of maternal urge and not feeling any kind of 'pull' towards babies or children if that makes sense), I have been feeling a strange sense of anxiety and envy whenever a friend announces a pregnancy. I’m not entirely sure why this is and have acknowledged that this might be a result of wondering what I might be missing out on, and worrying that, by committing to not having children, I will be bypassing an incredible experience. Indeed, people who I’ve discussed having children with have assured me that it is nothing but positive, even suggesting that it is a woman’s duty to have children and I would be less of a woman if I decided not to (for the record, I would never agree with these misogynistic opinions even if I were to have children).



There is definitely a part in me that wishes I wanted to have children, but I am ambivalent towards motherhood and feel quite alien in this culture that idealises pregnant celebrities and where programmes like One Born Every Minute are national hits. I certainly would like to experience with a child the kind of relationship my own mother and I have now I am ‘grown up’ and can definitely see how rewarding raising a child might be and I know I would be a very loving mother, but there is so much that scares me. For a start, I have really focused on my education and have obtained three first class degrees, now working towards a career in psychiatry. This is something I am hugely passionate about and know would be massively affected by having a baby. In addition, I find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that the vast majority of child-rearing responsibilities would be left to me, as a woman, especially as my partner is significantly less career-oriented than I am. Thirdly, while I actually like the idea of being pregnant and watching my body change, childbirth absolutely terrifies me and always has done since I watched a video of a woman giving birth in science at school (and promptly fainted). I have friends who have had terrible experiences giving birth and I acknowledge that there is a possibility something bad could also happen to me.


So, I’m wondering what your perception is? I am currently experiencing a great deal of inner conflict as a result of not feeling the maternal urge and feeling the pressure to have children which, even in the 21st century, is still seen as the most valid lifestyle choice. I realise that if you’ve had children, you’re going to be more ‘for’ becoming a mother than someone who doesn’t want children, but if you are able to be a little impartial, that would really help. I also want to stress that there is no urgency as, if I decide to have a child it won't be for several years but this issue is bugging me at the moment. Thank you for your help.

I skim read this thread.

I was terrified of the responsibility of bringing another human being into this world.

1886

OP, I get the feeling you feel you should have a child because other people around you do or are doing so. Instead of doing what you think you should do, do what you want to do.

POPPYOSCAR

faerie~spangles wrote: »

I skim read this thread.

I was terrified of the responsibility of bringing another human being into this world.

I agree.

This was a much more frightening prospect to me than the being pregnant and giving birth aspects.