Should I have a baby?

[Deleted User]

Hi everyone,

I am de-lurking to ask for some advice on whether or not to have a baby. An odd thing to ask strangers perhaps and admittedly, only I can answer this question but I am hoping for some input that might lead me in one direction or another. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

I am fast heading towards my 30s and it seems like everyone around me is pregnant or has children. I have been with my wonderful partner for several years and have always made it clear that having children isn't something on my 'to-do' list. He has accepted this and has said he was undecided and probably wouldn't know what he wanted until he was in his 30s. Although I haven't wanted children (purely because of a lack of maternal urge and not feeling any kind of 'pull' towards babies or children if that makes sense), I have been feeling a strange sense of anxiety and envy whenever a friend announces a pregnancy. I’m not entirely sure why this is and have acknowledged that this might be a result of wondering what I might be missing out on, and worrying that, by committing to not having children, I will be bypassing an incredible experience. Indeed, people who I’ve discussed having children with have assured me that it is nothing but positive, even suggesting that it is a woman’s duty to have children and I would be less of a woman if I decided not to (for the record, I would never agree with these misogynistic opinions even if I were to have children).



There is definitely a part in me that wishes I wanted to have children, but I am ambivalent towards motherhood and feel quite alien in this culture that idealises pregnant celebrities and where programmes like One Born Every Minute are national hits. I certainly would like to experience with a child the kind of relationship my own mother and I have now I am ‘grown up’ and can definitely see how rewarding raising a child might be and I know I would be a very loving mother, but there is so much that scares me. For a start, I have really focused on my education and have obtained three first class degrees, now working towards a career in psychiatry. This is something I am hugely passionate about and know would be massively affected by having a baby. In addition, I find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that the vast majority of child-rearing responsibilities would be left to me, as a woman, especially as my partner is significantly less career-oriented than I am. Thirdly, while I actually like the idea of being pregnant and watching my body change, childbirth absolutely terrifies me and always has done since I watched a video of a woman giving birth in science at school (and promptly fainted). I have friends who have had terrible experiences giving birth and I acknowledge that there is a possibility something bad could also happen to me.


So, I’m wondering what your perception is? I am currently experiencing a great deal of inner conflict as a result of not feeling the maternal urge and feeling the pressure to have children which, even in the 21st century, is still seen as the most valid lifestyle choice. I realise that if you’ve had children, you’re going to be more ‘for’ becoming a mother than someone who doesn’t want children, but if you are able to be a little impartial, that would really help. I also want to stress that there is no urgency as, if I decide to have a child it won't be for several years but this issue is bugging me at the moment. Thank you for your help.

Gavin83

To me it seems like you don't actually want children but feel like it's expected of you. For me at least, this seems like a terrible reason to want children.

If you want children go for it, as long as your partner is happy with the idea of course. If your unsure I would honestly suggest not doing it. You can after all always decide to have children but you can't reverse your decision once you've had one.

I don't have children myself but I'd imagine it's an extremely difficult although admittedly rewarding job. I think you'll find people will normally only have positive comments to make about it due to the nature of the decision. It would take a brave person indeed to admit they didn't like being a parent.

Person_one

I think you shouldn't have a child unless you want one very much.

The potential consequences for the child if your ambivalence continues are too serious to do this because you think you should.

You're not even 30 yet, wait a while, your feelings may become more clear with time.

Nicki

I have three children and am currently trying for a third after a recent miscarriage. One of my existing 3 is quite severely disabled, and I gave up a prestigious and involving career as a consequence of this when she was born and won't be able to go back to it. Her disabilities were not picked up on any of the routine ante natal tests. I have also struggled with reduced fertility and miscarriages, which has added an extra level of stress to things and caused unhappiness in the family.

Whilst I adore my children and am hugely fulfilled by having them, the change they made to my life, and the stresses and anxieties caused both by the problems in conceiving/carrying a child to term, and having a child with significant health issues, both mean that I would never suggest that any woman who is ambivalent about motherhood should have a child in case she regrets not doing so. I personally think if you are happy with your own life, and your husband is too, and you don't particularly feel the desire or need for children, you would be better off staying as you are. You can't turn the clock back once you have them, so if you know you are happy without them and aren't sure you would be as happy with them, why take that risk?

Judith_W

FWIW I don't feel 'drawn' to other people's children, but I've always known that is what I want to do, I wouldn't worry overly about not having much maternal instinct, i think it is different when it is yours.

I really think children should come above career, doesn't mean you can't have one, but it should play second fiddle. As you are so career motivated I'm not sure this would be something you would want to do.

Also, for what reason would you end up with the majority of the child responsibilities? Although this is the norm, there are lots of dads who are stay at home or take the main responsibility - is it about the social expectations or the character of your OH?

suki1001

There is of course the possiblity that childbirth scares you so much, that you've blocked being maternal because of this.

Take out the child birth, take out the career worries if you have a partner willing to do the childcare and would you want children?

As a younger person, I came from a career focussed family, being a mum was not seen as something on the list. When I did come to have children, being maternal came while I was pregnant and not before, because of circumstances.

Child birth is a very short part of being a mum in the grand scheme of things. Yes things go wrong, but statistically most people have natural births. If it was that bad no one would ever have children again.

scrappie_2

Like you I'm very career minded and as a result of knowing just how much study would be needed (hence, a lot of time and dedication) made a choice not to have children.

I love my job and I'm good at it. I'm sure if I had have had a child, I would love the child and also be a good mum. I have a glowing example of how to be a mum in the shape of my own mum - who was and still is amazing.

Having a child because others 'expect' it of you, in my oppinion, is the worse reason ever. My friends and some family members always said 'oh, you will end up with kids'. I always told them that this would not be the case. I'm almost 40 now, still no children and still happy with the choices I made. The only time I ever reallt think about it is when I realise I have denied my mum the chance to be a grandmother (I'm an only child). As much as this makes me sad from time to time, it's still no reason for me to run off and have babies.

I'm sure that if/when the day comes in your life that the circumstances are right for you to have children, you will know it. If it never happens, and you're not to bothered about it anyway, is that so bad???

[Deleted User]

On your deathbed, do you want to look back and say "I'm glad I had a fantastic career" or say goodbye to your children?

But kids change your world and you've really got to want to take that responsibility on

pinkshoes

To be honest I was career focussed and not thinking about kids, then found myself pregnant despite being on the pill!

My boy is now 16 months, and although he is wonderful and I wouldn't go back on my decision to have him, he is SUCH hard work, my life has been turned inside out and back to front, and my career (male dominated) has gone down the toilet due to me wanting to put him first rather than putting him in nursery full time, thus I can only work part time.

But who cares?! my career would never bring me as much joy as my little boy saying "mummy" to me for the first time, or the sound of him giggling, or being able to teach him to high five, so although it's hard work, it is far more rewarding than any career, plus one day I can maybe have my career back.

Have kids because you want to, now what everyone else is doing!

FBaby

I think you are on the road to broodiness but not there yet. Let nature does its work. You are young, still many times to have that senseless hold that gets to you that makes your desire for a baby take over any fear of birthing and lack of sleep for eternity.

Don't think it too much, talk about it with your partner and let your feelings do the work!

pmlindyloo

I think this feeling of anxiety and envy you feel towards your pregnant friends is a very normal feeling even if, as you say, you don't have any particular maternal feelings.

I think it is a mixture of the attention pregnant women get from friends and family and society's obsession with the 'you're getting on a bit haven't you thought about having children?'

I have a theory that a lot of women have children because it is 'expected of them' and also because you are made to feel very special during your pregnancy and in the early months afterwards.

Are you and your partner married? None of my business and probably I am of the old school brigade that expected that kind of committment before the procreation of children (please don't shout at me!)

I did not get married until I was in my middle thirties (concentrating on a career and having a good time!) and also did not have any particular maternal feelings. We decided 'if it happened, it happened ' and if it didn't it didn't. I thought that it didn't really matter.

As many people will tell you when your baby is born (in my case twins!) there is no other feeling like it and it is a bond that lasts for ever (and this is from someone who didn't appear to have any maternal feelings). It is bl**dy hard work and yes, unless your OP is very different mainly falls on the woman but despite the horrible times it is the most extraordinary relationship.

Before we married my Ohand I did discuss how we would approach the upbringing of children, discipline etc etc and for the most part it we agreed and it worked very well.

Having said all that, if I hadn't had children then I wouldn't have known about that special relationship you create - nobody can tell you, you have to experience it - so would probably have not felt that I had missed out.

What I really want to say (in a very longwinded way!) was that you still have time and there is no need to make any decision. Life usually has its own way of making decisions for you. Don't worry about your envy of your pregnant friends. Wait until they are falling asleep with tiredness, turning up with screaming, sicky babies who won't stop crying and then you will think 'why was I envious?'